Why do I suffer from Pygmalion syndrome?! Why do I feel attracted to the most hopeless, needy and classless people? I really don't get it. It just seems that someone who I might find moderately attractive as a person suddenly becomes infinitely more attractive and desirable under those circumstances.
It's so hard to describe without seeming to be nasty and snobbish. Anyway, there's someone who I quite like but they seem to be more attractive for being a little rough around the edges. I think maybe I am going to have tom come to terms with the idea that I seem to be attracted to 'bad girls' with a vulnerable streak.
That, I guess, make me a grade A fuck-up. I hate myself for it but I can't help it.
Saturday 22 November 2014
Monday 25 August 2014
Really? Really?!
It's one of those days when you shouldn't look at Facebook! So I see that someone who I really like would appear to have separated from their partner. I expressed and interest and made my intentions clear before they met up with them. I wasn't successful then so I'll keep my council now. All I know is that I'm not out to be a game player and take advantage of people. I've offered a little bridge, if they choose to take it up and build upon it I'd be receptive. Chances are it won't happen and I'll have to let it go.
On another note, I was at a family do yesterday and I had to deal with my cousin and her partner with their baby. The first thing that springs to mind is a child outside of marriage. Fine for them as they don't subscribe to the views that I do - but there is no way that I could have a child with someone without being married. That said, chances of finding someone else that shares that sentiment are looking slimmer by the moment.
It just feels like a couple of days of being kicked in the teeth for various reasons but with a few good sides as well. What I think it seems to say to me is that time is running out. I need to find someone really quickly and actually get down to getting what I want.
it's not as easy as that, it's a case of convincing myself that I want to trade / sacrifice / share what I have built up un my life so far and allow someone else in to potentially compromise that and take away what I have achieved so far. And that comes down to trust, or more precisely - my inherent lack of it.
It's all a bit of a mess really and I don't seem to be making that much of a good job of dealing with it. I kind of want it all, in my own way and on my own terms. The chances of fining someone that will be happy to fit in with that idea is pretty slim.
Its all a bit of a mess really.
On another note, I was at a family do yesterday and I had to deal with my cousin and her partner with their baby. The first thing that springs to mind is a child outside of marriage. Fine for them as they don't subscribe to the views that I do - but there is no way that I could have a child with someone without being married. That said, chances of finding someone else that shares that sentiment are looking slimmer by the moment.
It just feels like a couple of days of being kicked in the teeth for various reasons but with a few good sides as well. What I think it seems to say to me is that time is running out. I need to find someone really quickly and actually get down to getting what I want.
it's not as easy as that, it's a case of convincing myself that I want to trade / sacrifice / share what I have built up un my life so far and allow someone else in to potentially compromise that and take away what I have achieved so far. And that comes down to trust, or more precisely - my inherent lack of it.
It's all a bit of a mess really and I don't seem to be making that much of a good job of dealing with it. I kind of want it all, in my own way and on my own terms. The chances of fining someone that will be happy to fit in with that idea is pretty slim.
Its all a bit of a mess really.
Wednesday 6 August 2014
Minor victories
After a few well aimed emails, I am pleased - and indeed a little proud to say that the scaffolding outside the flats is beginning to disappear. The bits that I am directly concerned with, outside my balcony and above it blocking the light are completely dismantled and it looks like the rest are on the way down as well.
Sounds like a little think but it is SO much bigger than that. It means that everything on the balcony has a decent amount of light again. My chillies have light as well as heat, my tomatoes might also ripen and will stop being drawn towards the little light that was left. The rest of the plants hopefully will return to flowering and the cacti that I have inside will get back to growing and flowering.
I think that it is telling that the council have pretty much passed the buck at every stage and refused to answer any of my emails. On the other hand, the contractors, Ian Williams Ltd, have been extremely helpful white their contractors on site and in their email responses. Not looking too good for Wiltshire Council then!
Wiltshire Council, I call you out! I pay council tax every month, you are MY employee! Why do you not even answer my emails? Maybe I will ignore your requests for payment for a wile?! I bet that doesn't last me too long huh? I bet I get some hardcore, badass debt collector later within a few days! So where does that leave your lack of answers to my emails?!
None the less, a little victory that means far more than the deeds that have created it,
Lord, I thank you for the little things
And for those who make them happen.
May they be blessed,
Even though they may not know the significance of what they do.
For those of us who benefit from their actions,
May we realise that our gratitude is best shared,
By doing deeds that will bring benefit to others.
And passing on the little things that make life that much better.
IJN, Amen.
Sounds like a little think but it is SO much bigger than that. It means that everything on the balcony has a decent amount of light again. My chillies have light as well as heat, my tomatoes might also ripen and will stop being drawn towards the little light that was left. The rest of the plants hopefully will return to flowering and the cacti that I have inside will get back to growing and flowering.
I think that it is telling that the council have pretty much passed the buck at every stage and refused to answer any of my emails. On the other hand, the contractors, Ian Williams Ltd, have been extremely helpful white their contractors on site and in their email responses. Not looking too good for Wiltshire Council then!
Wiltshire Council, I call you out! I pay council tax every month, you are MY employee! Why do you not even answer my emails? Maybe I will ignore your requests for payment for a wile?! I bet that doesn't last me too long huh? I bet I get some hardcore, badass debt collector later within a few days! So where does that leave your lack of answers to my emails?!
None the less, a little victory that means far more than the deeds that have created it,
Lord, I thank you for the little things
And for those who make them happen.
May they be blessed,
Even though they may not know the significance of what they do.
For those of us who benefit from their actions,
May we realise that our gratitude is best shared,
By doing deeds that will bring benefit to others.
And passing on the little things that make life that much better.
IJN, Amen.
Sunday 3 August 2014
A weeks holiday
So I've been on holiday for the last week. Started it off in style with a day at the cricket, watching England Vs India. That was a really good day out, shared with Dad. I felt a bit guilty about not telling him that I'd booked the whole week as holiday but if I had, he's have only invited himself into it some how - probably with a forceful invite for me to go and spend a few days with him instead.
What I really needed, and I'm pleased to say that I was able to achieve, was a few days of doing what I wanted when I wanted to do it. I cleared up the balcony and replanted - not that there was a huge point to that as the scaffolding that killed the last lot of plants by cutting off the light is still in place so the new ones probably won't do that well, but I can't stand dead plants and empty spaces. I repotted my cacti and ended up with pickles all over my hands for my troubles! Did a few other housekeeping and DIY bits that Id been putting off as well.
Other than that I pretty much chilled out and tried to de-stress as much as I could do. I know that I'm going back into it tomorrow. It might have been a week away but all the problems are still there when I go back in. At least I have enough energy back to try and take them on again.
I went to see a couple of good friends and my God Daughter yesterday. I know I am biassed, but she is so sweet. I think I am feeling broody again! Think maybe I should do something about finding someone and getting a family started.
I am feeling very much in tune with what I want long term as life goals but I am also feeling more positive about them than I have done for a long time. God willing, they will come to fruition and His will might bring me what I want to be happy.
So, all in all I am in a reasonably good place right now. Ask me again after a few days back at work!
What I really needed, and I'm pleased to say that I was able to achieve, was a few days of doing what I wanted when I wanted to do it. I cleared up the balcony and replanted - not that there was a huge point to that as the scaffolding that killed the last lot of plants by cutting off the light is still in place so the new ones probably won't do that well, but I can't stand dead plants and empty spaces. I repotted my cacti and ended up with pickles all over my hands for my troubles! Did a few other housekeeping and DIY bits that Id been putting off as well.
Other than that I pretty much chilled out and tried to de-stress as much as I could do. I know that I'm going back into it tomorrow. It might have been a week away but all the problems are still there when I go back in. At least I have enough energy back to try and take them on again.
I went to see a couple of good friends and my God Daughter yesterday. I know I am biassed, but she is so sweet. I think I am feeling broody again! Think maybe I should do something about finding someone and getting a family started.
I am feeling very much in tune with what I want long term as life goals but I am also feeling more positive about them than I have done for a long time. God willing, they will come to fruition and His will might bring me what I want to be happy.
So, all in all I am in a reasonably good place right now. Ask me again after a few days back at work!
Sunday 20 July 2014
So tired
I'm feeling so tired right now. I've been on 6 and 7 day weeks for the last couple of months and it's really starting to take a toll on me. There's been some up sides too - the money has been very welcome and has given me a decent income for a couple of months where it would otherwise have been pretty minimal. That said, it's reached the point where I cant really keep this up much longer. Luckily, I don't have to - I only have one week to go before I have a weeks holiday.
The money has come in handy, I've been on a little spending spree. I bought the motorbike a set of straight pipes and it's rekindled my love for biking again!
One way or another though I'm feeling pretty run down and pretty lack lustre. I'm planning a day away tomorrow as I have a day off. I'm planning on taking the bike down to Lulworth Cove for the day and chilling out for a while. Take a walk along the coast for a few miles then chill out on the beach for the afternoon.
Its not exactly going to undo weeks of overworking but it might just gove me the strength to get through the next week. Either way, I'm really tired right now and my usual sleep cycle is gone, replaced by a cycle of sleeping based on urgency.
I don't feel tired most of the time, but when I do go to sleep I basically pass out until the morning - a couple of nights ago I managed to pass out and sleep right through a thunderstorm that passed directly overhead.
Work wise, it seems to be change over time. People are leaving and new people hopefully joining. The combination of staff loss and holiday time seems to have left me in this overall situation. For the first time ever, there's a continuous block of holidays for the best part of three months, combined with staff leaving at the same time, so that creates the need for me to work so many days at a time. I could really do with the money though so somehow I will find the energy to see it through and take the cash, after all - "it's money, take it and buy things with it".
The money has come in handy, I've been on a little spending spree. I bought the motorbike a set of straight pipes and it's rekindled my love for biking again!
One way or another though I'm feeling pretty run down and pretty lack lustre. I'm planning a day away tomorrow as I have a day off. I'm planning on taking the bike down to Lulworth Cove for the day and chilling out for a while. Take a walk along the coast for a few miles then chill out on the beach for the afternoon.
Its not exactly going to undo weeks of overworking but it might just gove me the strength to get through the next week. Either way, I'm really tired right now and my usual sleep cycle is gone, replaced by a cycle of sleeping based on urgency.
I don't feel tired most of the time, but when I do go to sleep I basically pass out until the morning - a couple of nights ago I managed to pass out and sleep right through a thunderstorm that passed directly overhead.
Work wise, it seems to be change over time. People are leaving and new people hopefully joining. The combination of staff loss and holiday time seems to have left me in this overall situation. For the first time ever, there's a continuous block of holidays for the best part of three months, combined with staff leaving at the same time, so that creates the need for me to work so many days at a time. I could really do with the money though so somehow I will find the energy to see it through and take the cash, after all - "it's money, take it and buy things with it".
Saturday 28 June 2014
Everything just seems to be turning to poop
It just seems that right now, everything that I try to achieve is turning to poop. I get the balcony looking nice, the council want to repaint the exterior of the building so somehow I will probably end up having to try to move plants that are growing up the trellis work on the balcony - not easy.
The car made it to France and back, but it seems that a bolt holding the coil pack in place sheared of (or was sheared by the garage she they serviced it - but I can't prove that) so I had to kludge a fix on that - but I don't know if it will hold or not.
I decided to treat myself to a new set of after-market pipes on the motorbike. I've ordered them and they've turned up with no fitting instructions and no contents list. I can't help but feel that there could well be some bolts and brackets missing as there don't seem to be any fittings in the box that I can see.
It just seems to be one thing after another at the moment. None of them are significant in their own right but it just seems to be adding up to a bigger pile of do-do. What really seems to be getting me is that the more I try to do a little something to cheer me up, the more it gets thrown back in my face.
Work is adding to the stress at the moment too. I have a new starter on board to replace one that has left. TRo give them their due, they have worked for one of our competitors before so know a little bit of the role so they're further ahead on the curve than the average newbie. What then piles on the pressure is that there's another member of the team on holiday for 2 weeks. The fact that they've taken a 2 week block really pisses me off. I can't stop them - it's their right to do it, but it;s the fact that they do it every time. They do all the customer training when they are working so when they are not in, the rest of us have to rally round to cover their sessions. In itself, that would be manageable for a week, but 2 weeks just pushes the stress level through the roof. When other people are off, the sales team can still sell because the training is covered. When this person is off no-one can get on with their job properly.
On the up side, that means that there should be some overtime going begging - and I think I am going to need it. That's one thing that the company bonus structure can't take away from me. They can cap my bonus if other staff members screw up but they can't take away my overtime.
Other than that, there's all the other little irritating things that are going on right now. I'm still trying to flog myself down the gym to try and hit my target weight - getting there but it's really slow going right now. I have one particular friend who is determined to push me into online dating and they are starting to get on my nerves again. Hopefully they'll back off for a while. They're right of course, but I'm just not in the right place or time to do anything about it at the moment. I don't have the money to sustain a dating routine, I don't have the time to put into it and right now I don't have the energy to do myself justice in looking for a partner.
All little things, so many little things, all biting at me. I have a week's holiday at the end of July, a month away. I think the plan will be to cling on for dear life until then and see if I can get back on an even keel.
The car made it to France and back, but it seems that a bolt holding the coil pack in place sheared of (or was sheared by the garage she they serviced it - but I can't prove that) so I had to kludge a fix on that - but I don't know if it will hold or not.
I decided to treat myself to a new set of after-market pipes on the motorbike. I've ordered them and they've turned up with no fitting instructions and no contents list. I can't help but feel that there could well be some bolts and brackets missing as there don't seem to be any fittings in the box that I can see.
It just seems to be one thing after another at the moment. None of them are significant in their own right but it just seems to be adding up to a bigger pile of do-do. What really seems to be getting me is that the more I try to do a little something to cheer me up, the more it gets thrown back in my face.
Work is adding to the stress at the moment too. I have a new starter on board to replace one that has left. TRo give them their due, they have worked for one of our competitors before so know a little bit of the role so they're further ahead on the curve than the average newbie. What then piles on the pressure is that there's another member of the team on holiday for 2 weeks. The fact that they've taken a 2 week block really pisses me off. I can't stop them - it's their right to do it, but it;s the fact that they do it every time. They do all the customer training when they are working so when they are not in, the rest of us have to rally round to cover their sessions. In itself, that would be manageable for a week, but 2 weeks just pushes the stress level through the roof. When other people are off, the sales team can still sell because the training is covered. When this person is off no-one can get on with their job properly.
On the up side, that means that there should be some overtime going begging - and I think I am going to need it. That's one thing that the company bonus structure can't take away from me. They can cap my bonus if other staff members screw up but they can't take away my overtime.
Other than that, there's all the other little irritating things that are going on right now. I'm still trying to flog myself down the gym to try and hit my target weight - getting there but it's really slow going right now. I have one particular friend who is determined to push me into online dating and they are starting to get on my nerves again. Hopefully they'll back off for a while. They're right of course, but I'm just not in the right place or time to do anything about it at the moment. I don't have the money to sustain a dating routine, I don't have the time to put into it and right now I don't have the energy to do myself justice in looking for a partner.
All little things, so many little things, all biting at me. I have a week's holiday at the end of July, a month away. I think the plan will be to cling on for dear life until then and see if I can get back on an even keel.
Tuesday 20 May 2014
The smell of rotting flesh
Oh man, the body might have been removed on Sunday night but now that the door has been broken in and the seal in it compromised the stench that is filling the hallway now is ridiculous. It's so bad that I haven't been out of the flat today because I don't want to plough through the smell.
I've put scented oils in the hall near the door and that seems to have held the smell at any for now. So anyway, since Sunday night when the police forced entry, there's been not activity there at all. I don't know what protocol is for this sort of situation, not ever having been here before, but would seriously thought that someone would have been in to clean the place up by now. In the interests in environmental health, if nothing else.
Not the start to the weeks holiday that I was looking for...
I've put scented oils in the hall near the door and that seems to have held the smell at any for now. So anyway, since Sunday night when the police forced entry, there's been not activity there at all. I don't know what protocol is for this sort of situation, not ever having been here before, but would seriously thought that someone would have been in to clean the place up by now. In the interests in environmental health, if nothing else.
Not the start to the weeks holiday that I was looking for...
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