Well, thats buggered it!

Game over.  Crappy valentines day guaranteed.  Looks like my romantic advances have fallen on barren ground.  Not a great feeling - but if you don't ask, you'll never know.  I asked, and now I know.  It's just a bit gutting that it wasn't the answer that I was looking for.

But then what actually made me think for a minute that I deserved the answer that I wanted?  I mean, lets face it - I'm not exactly good looking.  I'm still overweight, albeit not as much overweight as I was a year ago.  And in either case, I'm still stuck with the face I was born with.

From somewhere I managed to find some seriously uncharacteristic confidence to actually do something about my feelings, and now I'm just back to not really believing in myself again.  I just wish there was some kind of way of putting myself 'on the open market' and just letting people that were attracted to me actually come to me - I guess that would be a pretty short queue anyway.

Not really feeling self pity, more a pretty sharp reality check.  Deep down inside, I knew that this would be the outcome, yet somehow I stupidly put myself forward to the edge of the abyss.  And promptly jumped straight off!  So I'll free fall for a while, hit the bottom and then splatter in a big old mess.  All I really need is some brave soul to pick up the pieces.

But for tonight, Mr Smirnoff will be my saviour.

I've only gone and done it now...

So, whether it was the right thing to do or not, I have sent a valentines card to the one who has been on my mind.  I'm pretty miffed cos it looks like Moonpig send the damned thing a day early as she has just posed that she's received it already!  Damn.  No matter, there's not much I can do about that now.

I just can't help feeling that I'm in for a let down.  I really want an chance to see if anything might happen between us and this may well not be the best way to go about it.  Frankly I'm a bit rusty - I've never been a big one for 'having game' and what little I might have once had hasn't exactly had much use lately.  If I'm being honest i don't really want to use it.  I'd rather just be given the grace to be able to say the right thing and do the right thing to be able to get the one person that I want.  It's not about playing the field, it's about playing for keeps. - Hey, that'd do for the concept for a song!  Maybe...

Anyways, I'm frankly feeling a bit nervous about revealing myself tomorrow.  I have a plan that should give the game away.  I just don't know what sort of reception I'm going to get.  I really can;t help but feel that it's going to be an "oh how sweet, but I'm just not interested" or a "I'm not looking for anything right now"  or worse still, relegation into the 'friend zone'.  Still, I've been in too many situations of wondering what if, or not being able to because there was someone else.  There's no real reason why I shouldn't give it a try.  When you start with nothing, you've got nothing to loose and in this case so much to gain.  Could be in for a dark night tomorrow night though.  If I'm being honest, I don't rate my chances.  Too soon, not her type etc...

Father,  I pray that you will is for this to happen
I found the courage to do this much - you gave me that.
I don't want to embarrass or hurt someone that I care about,
But I really want this to happen.
Please grant me the grace to know what to say and do,
To be able to express myself without causing any hurt or upset.

I don't want to be single anymore.  I war happiness with someone I care about
And who cares about me.

I ask in Jesus name

Amen.