Everything just seems to be turning to poop

It just seems that right now, everything that I try to achieve is turning to poop.  I get the balcony looking nice, the council want to repaint the exterior of the building so somehow I will probably end up having to try to move plants that are growing up the trellis work on the balcony - not easy.

The car made it to France and back, but it seems that a bolt holding the coil pack in place sheared of (or was sheared by the garage she they serviced it - but I can't prove that) so I had to kludge a fix on that - but I don't know if it will hold or not.

I decided to treat myself to a new set of after-market pipes on the motorbike.  I've ordered them and they've turned up with no fitting instructions and no contents list.  I can't help but feel that there could well be some bolts and brackets missing as there don't seem to be any fittings in the box that I can see.

It just seems to be one thing after another at the moment.  None of them are significant in their own right but it just seems to be adding up to a bigger pile of do-do.  What really seems to be getting me is that the more I try to do a little something to cheer me up, the more it gets thrown back in my face.

Work is adding to the stress at the moment too.  I have a new starter on board to replace one that has left.  TRo give them their due, they have worked for one of our competitors before so know a little bit of the role so they're further ahead on the curve than the average newbie.  What then piles on the pressure is that there's another member of the team on holiday for 2 weeks.  The fact that they've taken a 2 week block really pisses me off.  I can't stop them - it's their right to do it, but it;s the fact that they do it every time.  They do all the customer training when they are working so when they are not in, the rest of us have to rally round to cover their sessions.  In itself, that would be manageable for a week, but 2 weeks just pushes the stress level through the roof.  When other people are off, the sales team can still sell because the training is covered.  When this person is off no-one can get on with their job properly.

On the up side, that means that there should be some overtime going begging - and I think I am going to need it.  That's one thing that the company bonus structure can't take away from me.  They can cap my bonus if other staff members screw up but they can't take away my overtime.

Other than that, there's all the other little irritating things that are going on right now.  I'm still trying to flog myself down the gym to try and hit my target weight - getting there but it's really slow going right now.  I have one particular friend who is determined to push me into online dating and they are starting to get on my nerves again.  Hopefully they'll back off for a while.  They're right of course, but I'm just not in the right place or time to do anything about it at the moment.  I don't have the money to sustain a dating routine, I don't have the time to put into it and right now I don't have the energy to do myself justice in looking for a partner.

All little things, so many little things, all biting at me.  I have a week's holiday at the end of July, a month away.  I think the plan will be to cling on for dear life until then and see if I can get back on an even keel.

I've only gone and done it now...

So, whether it was the right thing to do or not, I have sent a valentines card to the one who has been on my mind.  I'm pretty miffed cos it looks like Moonpig send the damned thing a day early as she has just posed that she's received it already!  Damn.  No matter, there's not much I can do about that now.

I just can't help feeling that I'm in for a let down.  I really want an chance to see if anything might happen between us and this may well not be the best way to go about it.  Frankly I'm a bit rusty - I've never been a big one for 'having game' and what little I might have once had hasn't exactly had much use lately.  If I'm being honest i don't really want to use it.  I'd rather just be given the grace to be able to say the right thing and do the right thing to be able to get the one person that I want.  It's not about playing the field, it's about playing for keeps. - Hey, that'd do for the concept for a song!  Maybe...

Anyways, I'm frankly feeling a bit nervous about revealing myself tomorrow.  I have a plan that should give the game away.  I just don't know what sort of reception I'm going to get.  I really can;t help but feel that it's going to be an "oh how sweet, but I'm just not interested" or a "I'm not looking for anything right now"  or worse still, relegation into the 'friend zone'.  Still, I've been in too many situations of wondering what if, or not being able to because there was someone else.  There's no real reason why I shouldn't give it a try.  When you start with nothing, you've got nothing to loose and in this case so much to gain.  Could be in for a dark night tomorrow night though.  If I'm being honest, I don't rate my chances.  Too soon, not her type etc...

Father,  I pray that you will is for this to happen
I found the courage to do this much - you gave me that.
I don't want to embarrass or hurt someone that I care about,
But I really want this to happen.
Please grant me the grace to know what to say and do,
To be able to express myself without causing any hurt or upset.

I don't want to be single anymore.  I war happiness with someone I care about
And who cares about me.

I ask in Jesus name

Amen.

Right before my eyes

Ok, I was working today when a certain someone came in.  I mentioned in my last post that they've had a make over and are looking good - well they came in today and yup, they look fantastic!  So there they were, right before me - looking oh so good.  But they've just come out of a long term relationship and therefore I couldn't say anything even if I had the balls to.

So there we go - I realised I had an inters when they were working with me but couldn't because they were with someone and we worked together.  Both of those obstacles are out of the way now but I don't know how they feel about me, and frankly i don't think that I have the confidence to actually say anything anyway.  The more i look at myself in the mirror, the more I realise that I have a long way to  go before I feel that I can have confidence on my appearance.  I still have a lot of stomach fat to loose.  I may have lost 5 stone and reached 13 stone in weight but that extra stone and a half to two stone is really noticeable to me.  I need to get rid of it weigh a vengeance.

Maybe this is the prod I need to make me go the extra mile.  I know who I want a chance to be with now.  I don't really want to get into online dating at the moment, I want a chance to see if there is something here that might happen.  So that means two things.

Firstly I need to double down and really push to get rid of the extra weight.  I don't know how much less I can eat in a day and how much more exercise I can pack into a week but I think I need to push harder and see what i can do.  I have been pretty weak and lax recently.  I need to push on and toughen up on myself.  I am sure that I can drop a naughty night each week and stop at one.  I am also sure that I can regain the motivation not to eat in the evening.  Recently I have been having a little snack when I have got back from the gym and whilst i have been under my RDA for calories still it has reduced the speed at which I have lost weight.  I want and need to feel confident in my appearance, and be desirable to her.  I need to look good.  I have to force myself on, motivate myself to go even further and even harder - as the saying goes... "Go hard or go home!"

Secondly, I need to reevaluate and reprogram my thoughts and expectations in terms of relationships. I seem to be so quick to jump at things right now, almost overkill.  no one is going to want to be with someone who is rushing at the speed that I seem to gallop ahead at.  I need to reign myself in and learn to move at a sensible speed instead of assuming that whatever stage of feelings that I am at, other people are automatically going to mirror them.

I need to go back to basics - deconstruct the person that I am and reconstruct the person that they can fall for.

It's all a bit of a mess but at the same time I feel motivated to really push for what I want.

Lord, what is in front of me shows me what I want.
Is this meant to be?
I know it has re-motivated me and that can only be positive
Please give me the strength though your grace to actually stick with this new motivation.
In a way I don't mind if this isn't meant to be, if it is your will.
But please bring someone into my life.
It's really time now.  I don't want to be on my own anymore.

IJN, Amen

Curious...

"Curiouser and curiouser", thought Alice, as she took the the little white pill with the Mitsubishi logo on it... "Oh My, so many colours..."  she enthused, as she slipped deeper and deeper into her new world...

Apart from that, something truly curious and perhaps, inspirational has come to light.  Whilst it is not something that I would have exactly wished for, it appears that someone I have had an interest in for  a while has become recently single.  She's come out of a long term relationship so I don't think I can get any ideas rightly soon.  I think maybe in the future I might look to see if the time is right.  I would certainly hope so.  I have had a thing for her for a long time and it would be absolutely amazing if there might be a chance to see what might be.

That said, to jump right in to something like this might just be too much.  I mean, I'm rusty to say the least when it comes to relationships and romance.  I have good intentions and I want to make it happen but the bottom line is that I have been single for so long that I can't exactly say that I am 'well practiced' in these matters.  Maybe it is time to actually pull my finger out and  look into this online dating malarkey.  If I happen to find the right person while I am at it then that is all good.  If I don't find the right person, at least I will have chance to make a few mistakes and learn from them - hopeful not hurting anyone else in the process.  I guess I'll just have to see where everything goes.

Before any of this came to light, I found myself wondering something the other night...  There was someone that I was all into a few months ago, and this person - who I first met a couple of years ago. I found myself wondering - day dreaming.  I have to say that I was slightly surprised what conclusions I came to.  The one I keep thinking about from time to time is not the one that I would have initially thought I would.  But then again, it's less infatuation and more about a long term thing.

Who knows, it's got me thinking though.  And I'm thinking that it's time...  I just wish I was in better physical shape.  I don't know any more.  I'm on new ground and I'm pretty unsure of where I'm going.  Let the adventure begin...

Quick post from work.

Ok, I'm on lunch right now- at 3:30pm. Not really feeling too great right now. Don't really know why but I'm feeling a bit low. I am ridiculously tired, I keep waking up with lower back pain in the middle of the night so I haven't managed more than a few hours sleep per night for ages. I'm also feeling a bit lonely. This is one of those moments when I just want to have a girl to cuddle up to and to be somewhere warm and safe. 

It's not that things are bad right now, on the whole things are good. It's normally when times are tough that this sort of feeling takes hold of me but this time it seems to have come from nowhere. 

It's moments like this when I almost feel like rushing my plans for finding a partner and jumping into online dating now, for the sale of not being alone.   I know that's the wrong thing to do. In not ready physically and emotionally I still keep thinking about H. - which irritates me. I could well do without feeling like that but there we go, what is inside me cannot easily be removed.  Time will mend, I an sure. God willing. 

I also need to sort out my head in respect to the sort if person I am looking for. I work with the public every day, so you can't really help 'window shopping' in the quiet periods. The people I find myself drawn to physically are all a but on the young side for what I am looking for. I am 34 yet the average age for the people that I am finds g myself attracted to is probably 23-25. Mentally that's where I think I am, age wise. But none the less, 10 years odd is a hell of a gap and people tend to judge that sort of thing. But there were 10 years between mum and dad - in the other direction mind you. 

And does it mean that I would be taking advantage if I approached someone 10 years younger than me?  I guess they can (and probably will) say no if they want to.  But I would still feel like a dirty old man for making the first move if there was that kind of age gap. If they asked, that is different because they have decided that they are ok with it.  And worse still, what if I make a love on some one and they turn out to be 18-19 or something? That wound just be wrong. 

But I do want some one younger than me. By 34 most women either have children or don't want children.  I DO want kids but I'd rather not be bringing up someone else's. I would if I had to, but it wouldn't be my first choice.  Also, by 34 a lot of women are 'pipe and slippers' or 'frumpy housewife'. I want someone who will come out on long country walks, share some of my other active interests. 

I guess it would be possible with someone my own age but more likely with someone younger. I just don't want to be single any more. 

The eyes have it

This should be one of the good days - but somehow it just isn't.

The person I have feelings for gave me something so special today, it proves they really get who I am (but they think of it just as a friendship).  It's not something I asked for, it's not something I wanted, but instantly it has become the most sentimentally valuable thing that I own.  Not because they gave it to me (although that sure helps) but because, without any hint or prompt, they gave me something that hits me on such a personal level that it feels like it was just meant to be.

I now feel really like shit that I feel the way that I do - yet it makes me feel that way even more.  It's so unlikely that I would ever find someone who gets me on such a level, the fact that they are out of reach means that I am now looking for a second person who meets that criteria - like that's ever going to happen.

The team at work made a bit of a fuss about my birthday - lead mostly by this person I suspect.  I didm;t really want it, and it hasn't changed my opinion of birthdays, but I have to admit it was quite nice, and I feel quite flattered that people have any kind of regard for me.

Truth is, I find it hard to cope with people placing any kind of value on me when I don't place that kind of value on myself.

I know what I really wanted for my birthday - or rather  who I wanted for my birthday.  Man it cuts me up inside, the dichotomy between what i cannot have and what need on an emotional level.  In so many ways I do not want to feel like I do for the person that I feel for - it just can't be on so many levels and in so many ways.  yet I have an inbuilt need to find someone and this one person ticks every single box without even trying.  I just don't know any more.  I know what I want, what I find attractive and what I need to make me feel as a person.

So this one person, so beautiful in every way, so perfect in the aspects that talk so directly to me.  I have always has a weakness for eyes.  there's just something about them, you can tell so much about someone,  If someone is dead inside, they show it.  If someone is not what they appear to be, the eyes will let you know.  This person has the most amazing eyes.  I could drown in them without wanting to escape.  I could gaze into them forever and never feel board.  And then theres the personality.  Sometimes you just find someone that you want to hug and never let go, someone who you would drop everything for, take a bullet for.  The kind of person that makes you want to be a better person inside.  The kind of person that makes you want to protect them, honour them and do anything you can to help them have a better life.

And to counter that, theres the who thing that, despite my feelings, they do not feel the same and it can never be.  So the chances of feeling like this about someone else are getting increasingly small.  I have to be honest and think back - I don;t think I ever felt this strongly about 'G' even - and here we are now...

Messed up and such a mess.  Despite the fact that it seems that I cannot have what I want, it doesn't stop me wanting it.

Getting all emotional again

Sunday was an amazing day for me - I  became a Godfather for the first time, to my best friend's youngest.  To some people I guess that it isn't a big deal but to me it's really important.  One thing that I think I am realising is that I am actually now as ready as I will ever be for children of my own.  Only thing is, the person that I can't help but think about having them with.

I need to get my head straight.  To say that I am feeling broody is an understatement but its the rest of it that seems so hard.  My heart is giving me  away again.  As much as my God daughter is important to me in a way that no-one else is, I want a family of my own and the person that I have feelings for is pretty much everything that I would ever want the mother of my child to be.

But I really can't be thinking like this anymore.  No matter how much  have prayed for it - and Lord knows, I have prayed enough - it doesn't seem like it is in His plan.  And the person that I want seems to be happy with who they are with.  I would't want them to be unhappy either.  So what I am left with is the basic option that has been in front of me all this time.  Get myself fit and in good shape so that I have confidence and deserve what I am asking for, and then look for someone that might actually be available.

So I guess that, really, not much has changed, other than I am now really broody to add to the confusion in my head.

What I need to do is take some of this confusion and turn it against myself.  I feel like crying right now - and I don't really know what for, or what about.  It just seems like a well of emotions that need to be let out some how.   I need to take that and turn it towards myself.  I can see the signs of what in the past could trigger a binge eating session, a sort of urge to self harm though food.  I need / want to take that urge and turn it back on myself in the sense that the power of that urge is put into not eating and the self destructive notion becomes exercise at the gym.

All I really want right now is someone to cuddle up to and have them tell me that they care about me.  I guess I am just feeling a little bit vulnerable and a bit lonely right now.

The rambled rantings of a madman

Ok, so my reality cheque just bounced....

Seriously though,  the one I have feelings for is away on holiday for then next week.  They've only been gone a day - heck- I even saw them briefly this morning, and I feel  a sense of loss.  I;m sure that this early on, most of it is psychosomatic and has very little foundation in reality.  But the truth is this.  Regardless of how I feel about them, they brighten my day like no other.  They put a smile on my face at times when I have no right to be happy.  They make me want to be a better person, they make me want to love them.

So its only a week - that's what I;m telling myself.  On the assumption that nothing happens - and to be fair, why would it? - how am I going to cope when they go off to uni?  I guess the answer is that it will cut me up for a fair while, but I will find a way of numbing it.

I think I have pretty much reached a stage of reckoning that I would rather keep them as a friend than loose them altogether - so when they go to uni, I would want to keep in touch.  But all of this is so one sided.  Look back as far as you like on here and it is all "I want", "I pray" this, that and the other.  Although it is forever on my mind, not once have I stopped on here to really vocalise a care about what they want, how they are feeling.

And beside all this there is 14 years...  OMFG, 14 YEARS!  that is just SO wrong when you put it like that.  But numbers are one thing and personal connection is another.  but still - that makes me feel so dirty for even allowing my mind to go there.  I mean, 3 years nab,  3 years and someone that I have feelings for as a person would be under age.  Shit, I'm no sicko.  I cant cope with it like that.  I just take the person at face value and there we have it.  But is that the same kind of twisted rationale that makes these 'people' think the way that they do?

Oh, mon Jesu, this makes no sense.
thoughts, feelings, emotions
I've almost forgotten what a clear head is.
First the hurt of the past,
Now the feelings I have in the present
Dare I ask about the future?!
I know what I want, but I question if it is right.
I know how I feel, but  do I have a right to feel like that?
you can see my inner most thoughts and feelings
I canot hide from you
Please make this right, either cleanse me of these thoughts
or bring this feeling to fruition.

In Jesus name

Easter Sunday

First off, Happy Easter one and all.  Never forget what today is really about.Never forget what you are celebrating and what it really means for you.

So I spent today relaxing and celebrating what is important to me - being thankful for what I have.  I went to church this morning but to a new church, somewhere I have never been before.  But I was there with friends and among some of the most welcoming people I could ask for.  I think  I know a bit more about the kind of church where I will fit in now.

Equally I know a bit more about what is going on in my heart.  It's true, it's unconditional and frankly it is probably going to come to nothing.  Friendship is the most important thing, and then maybe something else might come, but friendship is the law.

So after church I went for a bike run.  I haven't been on the motorbike in a while and it felt good, if a little cold.  Spring is definitely starting to poke through, despite the cold.  There were daffodils flowering in the banks and the sun was warm through the jacket.  The air was cold enough though and by the end of the run my knees were frozen through and I did a fair amount of the 'John Wayne' when I got off at the end of the run.  Despite the cold it felt so free, I felt so free.  To be on an open road with the sun on my back and the cold, crisp wind in my face.  So this is what it feels like to be free.

So, church then this - I ended up feeling the freedom and the love for the world that a free man can only feel.  Truth is though, it means nothing on my own.  And I don't want to be on my own, I want to be with someone I love - with someone who loves me.  I have found the person that I think maybe I could love, but they seem to notice me only in passing at best.

All I know is that I would give anything I have, go anywhere, do anything to be with this one person.  To stand before the Lord as a couple, to do His will and spread His word.  Together we could be strong, for each other and for His glory.

I pray for this so much and ask His will and His blessing.

Lord, I am not worthy to ask such a question of you,
To pray for a change in your will to suit my own feelings.
Yet I ask none the less, coming to you through the risen Lord, Jesus Christ,
Through your grace and power, may my dreams and intentions
Become your will. That I can share life and love with the one,
I hold before you in my heart.

In Jesus name amen.

SNAFU

Its starting to get to the time of year when Lent is nearly over and Easter Sunday is nearly upon us.  Over the time of lent so far, I have to admit that my faith has been on a bit of a roller coaster ride as to how much time I have taken to nurture it.

Ive got to be honest - my feelings are still in a mess at the moment, and I ended up pouring my heart out at work today to the person that I have all these feeling for.  That really doesn't help matters much.  I don't know if I ended up giving the game away - I din't mean to but then I was just drawn like a moth to the flame.  How close can I hint without actually stating it - and will the hints be picked up?  I don't mean it as a game - I don't mean any harm with it but its like I am drawn in.  Despite I fear that I know what the outcome will be, I just can't help myself.  A million to one chance is better than no chance - and yet i am risking a good friendship that may grow even stronger over time.

I hate myself, I hate this situation, I hate how I am handling it.  Most of all I hate the fact that I cannot have what I want, be the one to give her everything that she needs.  Get rid of what passes as a partner at the moment and get a real man, one who is caring and sensitive as well as strong and supportive.

I just feel like I want to cry.  Weak and pathetic I know but there we are.  I have found someone who I have feelings for based on who they are and their personality - I also happen to think they are physically about as perfect as it is possible to get and they are out of my reach for so many reasons.

This.  Sucks.

Feeling a bit down.

Hmm, today has not been the best of days.  I had to book my iMac in at the genius bar for it to be fixed, my plans for this afternoon did not come to fruition and now just to rub my nose in it, I've just seen something on Facebook that really rubs my nose in it.  the Facebook thing wasn't deliberate, of that Im sure, but either way it just royally sucks and makes me feel really fed up.

I would go as far as to say that I even feel a little bit depressed right now.  When you want something so bad that its all you focus on it just seems to override everything else.  I  might be fighting the fat off at the gym but mentally I am not fit right now.  I feel like crying, but I'm not sure why.  This feeling is strange to me in a way - but I've been here before.  This feeling of deflation is somehow familiar.  What I really want is to just be wrapped up in the arms of someone I love - someone who loves me.  What I feel like I'm missing right now is the comfort of the human touch.

It makes me feel weak to say it, it even sounds weak reading it back - but I feel weak right now.  The room is warm, but I feel cold.  I am rested after a day off work, yet I feel tired.  I have much that i should be thankful for, yet right now all I feel is a sense of loss.

Its all screwed up - I'm all screwed up.  What I really want and need is my emotions to be sorted out and to meet someone who can reciprocate if I develop feelings - or for the person I have feelings for to develop feelings for me too.  But I cant see either of these options happening right now.

So why has today had this effect on me?  I thought I had left this sort of feeling behind.  I guess it is because I care, because I have emotions rather than just turning them off.  I suppose on a more selfish level, one could argue that it's because I didn't get what I wanted on various things.  But it isn't that.  Its something else on a much deeper level.

The difference is that, in the past, this would frequently become the start of another destructive cycle that would have ended up with eating and drinking to a point of harm.  The fact that I can identify this and head it off (or at least I hope I can head it off, I am strong at the moment at any rate) should mean that I have made progress.

I think I will just have an early night, in the hope that the new day will bring renewed motivation.

God Willing...

Ok,  there's a bit going on right now and I'm not sure where to start.  On the mundane side of things, I'm going to have to relinquish my iMac for a few days - it's gradually been developing data integrity issues and it's reached the stage where I can't cope with the unreliability anymore.  So I have a genius bar appointment for tomorrow and hopefully I can get it sorted out.  I personally thing that it is a problem with the ssd or hdd not being able to record data accurately but we will see in due course.

On the other hand, tomorrow could be an amazing day for other reasons.  An off the cuff remark could turn into something that I would really like.  A comment to H could result in spending some time together.  I know that I am only kidding myself in the long run - there couldn't possibly be any way that she thinks of me the way that I think of her?  Or so I keep telling myself.

I just can't help but think that her current bf does nothing for her, doesn't treat her the way that she deserves - I don't think that he exactly does wrong by her - but he doesn't do right either.  I just wish it were me in that situation - that I could do what I feel inside and make her feel like she was the most important person in the world.  It's not about physical gratuity, it's about emotional closeness and shared feelings.

Anyway, it's not going to happen.  I have to be realistic about this.  As much as I desperately want it and have prayed for it as much as I feel I dare, it just does not seem like I deserve it, or could dare even dream of it.  All I know is that whenever I see her, I think I feel love.  Whenever she stumbles, I feel like I want to catch her.  Like I could wrap her in my arms and protect her from the slings and arrows of the world, giving her the strength to be all that she could ever dream of being, accepting everything about her, exactly as it is - without ever wanting to change a single thing.  Is that love?  It certainly feels like it.  I thought I was in love before, and it was a little like this - but not really like this.  Before there were always conditions, fears and insecurities.  A feeling that I had to shape an censor who I was in order not to show a side that I feared would be less attractive.  I don't feel that now.  I can just be.

I don't know if that is a good or bad thing really. I mean, if I was looking at myself from a woman's point of view - ok, difficult I know - but what would I see?  and how would I perceive it?  what about me is more attractive or less attractive?  I have all these personality traits and characteristics that I intrinsically accept as being 'me'.  How would someone that I wanted to attract see each of these?  That is a difficult one to answer.  I guess that it varies from person to person.

Something that sprang to mind today - something so little in reality yet when you are tuned in to someone it can seem like a flashing beacon.  At work we were briefly mentioning childhood and the conversation passed over whether childhood days were happy or not.  (Mine obviously not but I glossed that over for the sake of other company...)  The response from H was understated that her childhood days were not happy - not unsurprising in a way, I get the feeling that, like me, she was different from others as a child, more open, emotional, caring and non-conformist - all the things I love -  yet there was something so small in the background there.  So tiny as to be imperceptible to many people - indeed my colleagues did not flinch a muscle as it passed them by.  Yet something hit me at that moment.  A near uncontrollable urge to put my arms around her and just ask "what was it?", "who hurt you?" and more to the point "I will never let anyone hurt you again".  There was just something there.  It just hit me at a level of connection that was above word or communication visible to others.

It sounds really freaky to say this, but I think I have found someone that I would give my all to protect from the evil that the world could throw at them, and underneath all of this is the knowledge that they are with someone else so it cannot be.  Even if they were not, there is the age gap, so maybe it should not be, and above all else, my feelings are clear yet they only look on me as perhaps a friend if I am lucky.  To even dream and pray for more feels like such and abuse of trust and an abuse of my relationship with the Lord.

Yet here I am praying that he will be willing to bring the two of us together - someone who I could be happy with, and someone who I could make happy.  If only it were that simple.  If it were it might just happen.  But it is not that simple, and here I am praying...

His, Thy Moll

OK, so I should probably be asleep right now.  Truth is I can't.  So much stuff running through my head, so many thoughts that I wish I didn't have.

So, I'm probably going to blow my whole plausible deniability thing right now with this - TBH, if the right person reads this, they're going to know anyway.  Chances are that they don't read this - and I'll risk it for a biscuit (as they're off biscuits for lent!).

SO anyway - I was talking to the person that I have feelings for today - and they were talking bout their partner.  The more I hear, the more I realise that they have no sense of romance - I mean, they've been together for 2 years and nothing doing.  None of those little surprises, none of those hopelessly overblown romantic gestures...  I just felt like screaming out:

"Loose this guy, I'll treat you like you deserve, I'll make everyday the best you've ever had, I'll make you feel like no one else has ever done, or ever could"

I cant't say that as much as I wanted to, I can't act on what I feel.  There's just so much frustration, I mean - the age thing is still telling me it's wrong - they're only 19 (nearly 20) but thats just a huge gap and can't be healthy.

I try to justify it to myself in my weaker moments, I mean, I'm not really mentally my really age - I'm still very young on the inside (and I look pretty reasonable for my age on the outside) and they're far more mature than their years - so at face value, and in reality - I think we click on a personal level.  But the rest is just wrong.  A few more years and they could (just about) be my daughter - and that just makes it wrong.  But why do I feel like I do?

I don't know anymore, what I want, what's right, what's Gods' will?  It all seems to blur from one space to another.

I was away for work for a couple of days this week.  I though maybe a chance to clear my head, get some perspective on things.  And sure, great - when I was busy, my mind focussed on the task at hand - and when I wasn't busy, all I could think about was her,  what was she doing, wishing I was with her - not like that, but purely in a companion kind of way.  I've never met anyone EVER that I was happy just to be around.  Even G didn't enrapture me like this.

It could be (just?) a crush, but it feels so much more - and so much less.  I can remember what it felt like when I was a teenager, it was always about a physical, short term gain - sex to be blunt.  This is so much less physical, I don't want sex, I want love.  And so much more, I don't want a crush I want romance.

Its a mess.  I wish I didn't have these feelings, but then I'm glad that I do - I love to feel something - it's so much better than being empty and void inside.  I don't know where, if anywhere, this might go.  In reality, it can't go anywhere - and yet I want it so much.

OK, done pouring my heart out with some weird, freaky rambling.  I need some serious duvet time as I have work in the morning and I need to be on top form as I have no staff to cover - that means i'll have to get out of the office and get stuck in myself - oldskool stylé.

PS - pay attention to the title!?

The Rood, The Sad & The Fugly

It's been a while since I wrote on here.  I've been meaning to for a couple of days but it hasn't come to anything until now.  I don't know that much has changed really.  Some days are good, some days are not good - weight loss wise, I haven't made any progress over the last week.  Next weigh in is this Sunday.  I don't think that I will have made any further progress either.  I need to revisit my motivation and get back in control of it all.

Frankly my head is a bit of a mess overall.  There's a really difficult area thats on my mind.  I have to be careful what I say on here - after all, plausible deniability is not just something that governments practice, I do too!  All I can say is that my heart is somewhere that I don;t think it should be.  It wants something that cannot happen.  Yet I keep thinking about reasons why it might, what it would be like if this and if that...  Its probably no bad thing in itself because it is definitely a move forward and away from a toxic relationship in the past that has had a hold on me for far too long.  You think that you are over something but you aren't.  You think that you have found someone that you might be interested in, yet you find yourself comparing them to the one person that you have left behind and told yourself that you were over, only to find that you weren't really.  So that's that... It can never happen and I need to get my mind off it and move on up.

Dad is due back from his travels soon, about 3 weeks or so I think.  With the marvel that is international pay phones, I don't really feel like he's been gone.  There's been the odd occasion that I'd have probably picked up the phone to him when I've had a bad day but on the whole it doesn't feel like anything much has changed.

I guess the main thing is that I need to regroup and revisit my motivations right now.  The felling that nothing much has changed is probably symptomatic of life as a whole.  I don't really know what I;d want to change, other than my ability to loose weight.  I can dream and have unrealistic ideals. - To be fair, I think I have those anyway.  I guess what I really want, what I really feel like I am missing is a partner.  The ideal of getting married and starting a family is a long way down the road, but it would be nice to be on that road and making progress.  But its a long process...

Loosing weight = more confidence and being more attractive to members of the opposite sex = being able to be strong enough to make the first move and go for what I want.

Or so it seems.

I just need the motivation to loose weight.

Lord, I am trying, I have got further than I think I have before but I seem to be weakening again.  Please help me to find the motivation and the strength to make progress...

In Jesus Name,  Amen.

Good times

OK, so there's been much that has happened over the last couple of weeks.  the incidental stuff is that work is going well, business has picked up and there is a small supply of stock on the items that people want so we can actually sell stuff.  I've ordered a new iMac and that is due to ship in the next couple of days so the music studio will be back up and running with some new hardware.

The parting gift from the old setup was finished a couple of days ago and frankly its its a song that Ive been wanting to write for so long.  Ive had a crack at it  a couple of times and not really got anywhere with it but now I have some real progress and a finished article.  Its a Gospel House track, a preacher style sermon split into two verses, set over a tradition house sound.  Quite simple in many respects but done with passion and sincerity.  The inspiration came from a couple of sources.  I listen to a fair amount of Gospel House music anyway, I'm a big fan of DJ Revelation and the style of music he plays.  I also remember a song called "The Prophet" by CJ Bolland - that was far more tongue in cheek and almost a parody of evangelical preaching, I liked the style but wanted to 'play it straight' with what I feel.

Any how, it feels good to have done it and got it out there,  I just wish and pray that there is some more of this kind of stuff inside me, that just maybe, this could be a calling and I can do something with it.

I have often thought that if I could ever be so bold as to make a deal with God, I would ask that I was able to sing as well as write and produce, and in exchange I would use this talent only to His glory.  It doesn't work like that, and I am happy with what I have, but if the opportunity arose...

Anyway, other than that - I have the day off work today so I will be putting up the Christmas Tree and tinsel and then I have a friend coming down to stay tomorrow night and Wednesday as I am off work again.  After that the days off are all used up for a while and the mad patch begins.  I love it but it is pretty tiring.

On another matter, I still have some feelings towards someone that I wish I could shift.  Nothing will come from them, nothing can come form them, not least because they have a partner and further more, with a 10 year age gap between us, I'd feel like a dirty old man if I made the first move.  Age is nothing, I know, there was a decade between Mum and Dad and they would still be together now, had she not been taken from us.  However, when an older man is with a younger woman...  I just wouldn't ever want to be accused of taking advantage.

Anyway, it cant happen for various reasons, I just wish I didn't find them so attractive, I just wish I didn't 'get them' on a personal level.  It would just be easier if there was an off switch.

Messengers

Sometimes the Lord seems to choose the strangest messengers.  Sometimes the message isn't quite what you were expecting!  I went to see an old friend yesterday - I haven't seen them for nearly a year, last time was at their wedding.  Anyway, besides the realisation that I need to make an effort to see them more often, comes the the strangest of experiences.

Firstly, their wife, who I have to admit that I don't really know that well yet as I have only met her a couple of times, starts having a whole heart to heart with me about finding the right person and how I still have time to have a family etc.  That really is a strange conversation to have with someone that you don't really know but it felt like a natural conversation.  I think it's fair to say that I really wasn't expecting that kind of message.  More to the point, I am really happy with the sentiment of it.  I mean. it's what I really wanted to hear.  Somehow I just have to believe that it will happen.  The only thing that might cause a set back is the 'problem'.  I guess I have to believe that for the right person, it wont be a problem any more and that there will be a way around things.

Secondly, having spent the day around their two little ones I suddenly realise that looking after children is not as hard as I though it was going to be.  Ok, yes I know that it was only one day but both of them were feeling under the weather and playing up a bit and I felt absolutely fine dealing with it all.  In the afternoon we went out for a bit and I ended up looking after one of them for a while and dealing with what they were throwing at me.  I think that I coped pretty well.  Yes I'm sure that there is much that I have to learn and at some point in the future if I have kids they will have me pulling my hair out and ready to scream blue murder - but the first work of not being able to do it has gone.  Also, despite being a majorly big kid at heart, I've always found it difficult to know what to say to kids when they are too young to have an adult level conversation.  I think I learned a fair amount on that front too, not perfected the technique yet but I learned so much in the space of 12 hours that I honestly believe that if I need to learn 'on the job' in the future, I can do it.

So there we go, an unexpected message, a very strange choice of messenger - but thank you none the less.  Maybe when I fasted a while back, it took a little time for the answer to be given.  I really feel like  so much of what was on my mind has had an answer given.  Not all of it, there was a question over my career too, but the idea of having a family and finding someone to settle down with is far more important and frankly something that I would rather focus on, God willing.

It's been a while since I've been on here, not much has changed in all reality. Work is chugging along quite nicely. Things seem to have improved quite a lot in that respect. I think that's what I would call 'a prayer answered'. So that's everything in a nice little stable groove right now. And I guess that's where I need to be. Having been down to the bottom, I can't begin to climb straight back to the top without laying some solid foundations on which to build.

I think that maybe I need to turn my attention back to trying to find a partner again. Thing is, where do I look. I don't want someone who is morally loose. I want someone who shares my Christian values and has some self respect. You don't exactly find them getting drunk and putting themselves around in pubs and clubs. For the same reason that I don't go there, nor do they. So where do I meet them? Where do they go? How do you find someone who has the values to resist the carnal sins of society and by that very resistance, they keep away from the 'meat markets' that (male?) society has created in order to find female prey? It's a dilemma that I can't really answer. All I know is that I am getting weak. I find myself looking at women in the street that I find attractive and having thoughts that I should not be. There is nothing wrong with appreciating the attractiveness of the opposite sex, but those thoughts and observations should be respectful. I am becoming weak.

Father, please forgive me for when I am weak,

I do not really intend to be as weak as I am

Yet I am not strong enough to resist it either.

Where do I find a partner who shares the same values as I do?

Someone who brings out the best in me

Who helps me to be all I can be

Who I can help to be all that they can be

Someone who will love me without hesitation

Someone who I can love unconditionally

Can you guide me to find the right one?

I am listening, if you are ready to speak.

I ask in Jesus name

Amen

Don't Just Stand There... Pray Something!

The last few days have been kind of non events, wirk has been up and down business wise but pretty good in terms of atmosphere and morale. I think that its fair to say that everybody's feeling a bit tight money wise at the moment. Retailing luxury goods, albeit good quality ones for the high demographic market, is not a certain income in such times by any means.

The thing is, because it hasn't been one thing or the other, I havent really had much to pray about. Well, that's not true - there's always a reason to talk to God. If I am being more honnest, I havent felt motivated to do any talking becuase I dont have anything that I feel I need to say. That, I guess is a blessing in itself.

But I do have something I have to pray about. This is a long one and it requires some serious catharsis on my part before I pray. I have a story to tell here and I feel the need to tell it and to ask for healing to move on and get over it trully.

This story goes back 8 years ago now and its a long one. I'll try to keep it as short as I can without cutting off too much.

In my second year of uni my Mum died of lung cancer. I chose to move home for the third year so I could be arround for Dad. I'd have been happy to carry on away from home - my response to things is always to put my head down and pretend that it isn't happening! ANyway, while I was in the third year I took a job in a locla toyshop to help apy may way through uni. Working there I met a girl and instantly took a shine to her. We seemed to have an instant connection and she was the most amazing person that I have ever met - still is for that matter! We grew closer and in the end I got the guts together to tell her how I felt and that I wnated to be more than jsut friends. We started meeting up outside of work and going for walks etc. Not totally like a date but as more than normal firends. I discovered that they were quite hard to get close to but persevered. Eventually we ended up in a relationship but it was always a little difficult to get them to be emotionally close to me. I later found out why but that is not relevant to this.

I very quickly fell in love with them and eventually told them. Shortly after that we went travclling for three months and that was when things became a fully physical relationship. For me that cemented my love for them and in return they said that they loved me too. I was right on the edge of proposing to them, marriage was something that came up in conversation and I was more than ready to commit.

At the time it was in my prayers taht this would be Gods' will for us to work out like this. As I got to know them and I found out more about them I became a confidant for some seriously terrifying things that had happened to them in the past and had to deal with them self harming (I wish I had dealt with that so much better than I did!) and even a suicide attempt. Whilst I respected that as a confidant I had to keep a certain distance until I was invited further, in a way it made me love them even more, that this person had survived all this and was still so amazing. I was totally in love, head over heels. Anyway, after we got back from travelling we were good for a while and things were fantastic - or atleast so I thought. As it turns out, they were cheating on me. Worse still they were doing it with another woman.

I still find it hard to accept it as cheating, how can I compete with a woman? They can do things that I can't, love in a different way to me. Anyway, before to long, I was left for this woman and they came out as lesbian. It ripped me in two, I cried daily for weeks and suddenly I was the one who was self harming. I forgive them, in fact I think I forgave them as soon as it happened. We are still friends to this day, more like brother and sister than anything else. I would never change that now, having them in my life is worth having to deal with the pain of being constantly reminded of what could have been. The truth is that I could never tell them just how much they hirt me, just how much it still hurts.

It ended about 6 1/2 years ago and for atleast 3 years after I would not even look at another woman without feeling guilty. I've been on dates since but noone ever compares. The hurt is still very real and if I am being honnest I still love them completely. I'd drop everything if the opportunity ever arose. But it won't.

I need to be healed of this so that I can move on and find love again. I am pretty lonely on my own. I can cover it with work and by finding things to do but in all honnesty, I'd rather find someone to share life with.

So my prayer is this;

Father, at this time
I pray to be healed
I bear to you my heart on this page
And in person

I offer you this in all honnesty
and ask you to heal me of it
Please dont take away anyone close to me
But please take away the pain of the past with them

I am sorry for all the prayers
that I have offered
asking for this relationship to work
when it clearly was not your will

Please heal me of the hurt
and make me free to love without retraint

When the time is right
and I am ready to meet someone
please guide me
to find a parter

This I ask
With all my heart
In Jesus Name

Amen

NB - any comments of an anti Gay nature will be removed, anyone who wants to try to justify that approach based on Bible passages. go and re-read them with an open mind and you will realise that they do NOT condem homosexuality but condem loveless relationships, based on sex. And that can apply to any of us.

Looking For Love

Ok, I've been off from work for two days so there's not been too much happening really.  Its been pretty cold and snowed a bit more but it hasn't settled like on Monday and Tuesday.  Yesterday the wide of my land lord knocked on my door at about 11am having locked herself out of the house so I had to let her in and let her borrow the phone to see if she could get hold of her housekeeper for a spare key.  When she couldn't I volunteered to driver her over there to see if she could find her at home but she didn't seem to be.  That's about as much excitement as I've had over the last couple of days.

I guess in true selfish fashion, now that my work life seems to be on the up at the moment my mind is turning to the other things that I want and do not currently have.  Sure there are various frivolous consumer items on the list, I'll have to work for those - Im not about to waste Gods time praying for things that I can achieve myself in good time.  There is one thing that is on my mind at the moment though.

With valentines day on the way, I'm starting to feel a little agitated that I am still single.  I have been single for a number of years, after I got severely hurt by someone I loved with all my heart.  It took me many years to forgive them and to heal the pain that they left me.  I have been ready for a while to begin looking for someone but I never seem to move in the right circles.  After all, the sort of person that I want to meet is not the sort of person that I am likely to meed in bars and clubs, so that's out.  So where do you meet someone with a degree of class and morality who will conduct themselves according to Christian values?  It's not like they fall from trees or just turn up, walking down the street.

Father,  I thankyou for everything that you have done for me

Far more than I deserve

But the truth is that, for all that I have

I really long for someone to share it with.

Long term I want to find someone to settle down with

Get married and start a family.

What is it that I need to do?  I get the feeling that there is a reason

why you have not brought someone into my life.

I pray that you will grant me ears that will hear

and the presence of mind to comprehend what you are telling me.

Where should I look?  WHat should I do to be fit and ready?

I ask in Jesus Name

Amen