Crappy Christmas

So Christmas is over for another year, and Boxing day is soon to follow.  I have to say I'm pretty glad it's all over.  It wasn't a bad one, it wash;t exactly a good one either.  To be honest, I think I slept through more of it that I was away through.

That said, Church was OK and I go what I wanted from 'Santa'.  It would be nice if people stopped giving me alcohol for Christmas.  I feel a little bit tragic - is that all people can think of to give me?  Is that how they perceive my personality - an alcoholic?

Christmas down at Dads would have been fine if it wasn't for the other people there; Dad's partner's Daughter (who I refuse to dignify with the title of 'step-sister') and her little shit, spooled brad of a child.  Frankly I want nothing to do with them but sadly I am stuck with being under the same roof as them from time to time.  Anyway, it want great to be honest, poor company, the food wasn't great either.  Dad seems to have convinced himself that his partner can cook - by his standards she probably can - but someone needs to teach her how to cook vegetables!

Really, after all of this I am feeling a bit down and fed up.  It's one of those moments when I just feel like I want to withdraw away from everyone and drop back into my own little world.  I think that I would actually have been quite happy to spend Christmas on my own.  Cook my own dinner, my way and not have to deal with all the other tossers.

Going back to work tomorrow - at least that will keep me occupied and my mind off things.  Money is tight right now as well.  On face value I have a reasonable amount in my current account but I have a bucket load that I need to clear off the credit card as well, which more than cancels it out and will probably wipe out my bonus this month as well.

It's all a bit depressing really.  No one thing is that big but it all seems to come together into one larger mass of issues.

Every once in a while

Every so often you come across a time in your life when everything you touch turns to brown.  It seems to be my turn for some of that right now.  The Christmas temp that I have taken on turns out to be bloody pregnant so is feeling sick all the time, they can't work half the days that I wanted - or that they said they could when I interviewed them.  So that means ore work for everyone else - particularly me.

Then to add to it, the person that bought my mac on eBay turns out to be a complete numpty that doesn't know how to use it so I have not had to issue a blood refund and go through all the grief of delisting the damned thing.

Then just to put the icing on the cake, a machine at work yesterday came out of the box with a mark on the lid - a custom machine that that they'd been waiting for weeks for.  So i ended up dealing with all the stress between the customer and head office.  Frankly my stress level is off the scale and somehow I need to get rid of it before I have this bloody medical on Tuesday.  I really wish I could have a drink but I can't until after the medical.

I could do with a bit of a turn in fortune really.  It's about time that something went better for me.  It's one of those times that I wish I had a partner to support me.  Sometimes a cuddle  would just solve so many different problems.  I just feel so fed up right now, so many little things that are just niggling away at me.

I really need some blue skies ahead somewhere soon.

The diary of a broken man.

Sounds melodramatic, probably is melodramatic.  But it's also how I feel right now.  Over the last week  I've had so much to deal with, I think it has reached the point where I really cannot cope with it any more.  Work was broken into in the small hours on Monday morning.  The window was smashed through and most of the display stock was taken.  So I was called out and on site from about 3:30am.  SO no sleep then.  Also the house purchase has simply gone from disaster to disaster.  Firstly the place was undervalued and I had to sort that out - That nearly sent me over the edge.  Trying to sort financials with Dad is never an easy thing to do, he always tries to overcomplicate things and we usually end up coming to a disagreement.  Anyway, that was sorted eventually, and I put in a challenge on the given value, just in case it could gain back any ground.  Then there was the break in at work.

So I wasn't really sleeping well before the break in, didn't get any sleep the night of the breaking and haven't really been able to sleep since.  So, today when I popped into the bank to see if there had been any response from the valuer, I get hit with the next load of shit, flying fresh from the fan...

HSBC, my old bank that I am in the process of leaving, have put in a credit check on me for a mortgage quotation and an in-principle decision - without my knowledge or authorisation.  That has screwed up my credit score so that the bank are no longer able to approve me for the mortgage that I need.  SO the shit hits the fan once again.  I have spent the day trying to get HSBC to sort out their mess, but the truth is that I fear the damage has already been done, top the extent that any repair will not be complete in time for the mortgage application to be processed, and it may not restore all of the damage that has been done.  I fully intend to take HSBC to court for breach of the data protection act but right now that will not aid this cause, so that can wait.

It looks like the only way out of this may be for Dad to go 'guarantor' on the mortgage application, and that might just get it through.  Problem is that he is in his 60's - the mortgage is for 35 years, there's no way that they will accept him as being able to cover the whole period (or at least, that's how it seems to me anyway).

So here I am, I think I about to need to find somewhere else to live, at about 2 weeks notice.  I really don't see that as being do-able so it could well be a case of putting everything into storage (and I can't take any time off work to do that) and then dossing down in a b&b until I can get somewhere sorted out.

Jesus this is such a mess.  I actually feel mentally outside of myself at the moment.  I cannot remember things that happened a few hours ago in some cases.  I know they happened but cannot recall any detail.  I don't feel like I'm me right now, I feel like I'm someone on the outside, watching me and my life.

The Bible tells with confidence in many places that the Lord will not place more burden on a man than he can carry - well, Lord - this is getting pretty close.  I cannot carry this for much longer,  PLEASE let something actually go in my favour for once in this matter.  This is quite literally my world right now.  I am committed to making it happen - I need your help in making it so.

I am truly thankful for those around me who are trying their best to get these obstacles from the Devil out of my path, but I REALLY need your hand to clear the way right now, and maybe just to give me a little strength back.

Lord, have mercy.
Lord, I need your help.
In Jesus Name

Amen.

Feeling a bit down.

Hmm, today has not been the best of days.  I had to book my iMac in at the genius bar for it to be fixed, my plans for this afternoon did not come to fruition and now just to rub my nose in it, I've just seen something on Facebook that really rubs my nose in it.  the Facebook thing wasn't deliberate, of that Im sure, but either way it just royally sucks and makes me feel really fed up.

I would go as far as to say that I even feel a little bit depressed right now.  When you want something so bad that its all you focus on it just seems to override everything else.  I  might be fighting the fat off at the gym but mentally I am not fit right now.  I feel like crying, but I'm not sure why.  This feeling is strange to me in a way - but I've been here before.  This feeling of deflation is somehow familiar.  What I really want is to just be wrapped up in the arms of someone I love - someone who loves me.  What I feel like I'm missing right now is the comfort of the human touch.

It makes me feel weak to say it, it even sounds weak reading it back - but I feel weak right now.  The room is warm, but I feel cold.  I am rested after a day off work, yet I feel tired.  I have much that i should be thankful for, yet right now all I feel is a sense of loss.

Its all screwed up - I'm all screwed up.  What I really want and need is my emotions to be sorted out and to meet someone who can reciprocate if I develop feelings - or for the person I have feelings for to develop feelings for me too.  But I cant see either of these options happening right now.

So why has today had this effect on me?  I thought I had left this sort of feeling behind.  I guess it is because I care, because I have emotions rather than just turning them off.  I suppose on a more selfish level, one could argue that it's because I didn't get what I wanted on various things.  But it isn't that.  Its something else on a much deeper level.

The difference is that, in the past, this would frequently become the start of another destructive cycle that would have ended up with eating and drinking to a point of harm.  The fact that I can identify this and head it off (or at least I hope I can head it off, I am strong at the moment at any rate) should mean that I have made progress.

I think I will just have an early night, in the hope that the new day will bring renewed motivation.