The diary of a broken man.

Sounds melodramatic, probably is melodramatic.  But it's also how I feel right now.  Over the last week  I've had so much to deal with, I think it has reached the point where I really cannot cope with it any more.  Work was broken into in the small hours on Monday morning.  The window was smashed through and most of the display stock was taken.  So I was called out and on site from about 3:30am.  SO no sleep then.  Also the house purchase has simply gone from disaster to disaster.  Firstly the place was undervalued and I had to sort that out - That nearly sent me over the edge.  Trying to sort financials with Dad is never an easy thing to do, he always tries to overcomplicate things and we usually end up coming to a disagreement.  Anyway, that was sorted eventually, and I put in a challenge on the given value, just in case it could gain back any ground.  Then there was the break in at work.

So I wasn't really sleeping well before the break in, didn't get any sleep the night of the breaking and haven't really been able to sleep since.  So, today when I popped into the bank to see if there had been any response from the valuer, I get hit with the next load of shit, flying fresh from the fan...

HSBC, my old bank that I am in the process of leaving, have put in a credit check on me for a mortgage quotation and an in-principle decision - without my knowledge or authorisation.  That has screwed up my credit score so that the bank are no longer able to approve me for the mortgage that I need.  SO the shit hits the fan once again.  I have spent the day trying to get HSBC to sort out their mess, but the truth is that I fear the damage has already been done, top the extent that any repair will not be complete in time for the mortgage application to be processed, and it may not restore all of the damage that has been done.  I fully intend to take HSBC to court for breach of the data protection act but right now that will not aid this cause, so that can wait.

It looks like the only way out of this may be for Dad to go 'guarantor' on the mortgage application, and that might just get it through.  Problem is that he is in his 60's - the mortgage is for 35 years, there's no way that they will accept him as being able to cover the whole period (or at least, that's how it seems to me anyway).

So here I am, I think I about to need to find somewhere else to live, at about 2 weeks notice.  I really don't see that as being do-able so it could well be a case of putting everything into storage (and I can't take any time off work to do that) and then dossing down in a b&b until I can get somewhere sorted out.

Jesus this is such a mess.  I actually feel mentally outside of myself at the moment.  I cannot remember things that happened a few hours ago in some cases.  I know they happened but cannot recall any detail.  I don't feel like I'm me right now, I feel like I'm someone on the outside, watching me and my life.

The Bible tells with confidence in many places that the Lord will not place more burden on a man than he can carry - well, Lord - this is getting pretty close.  I cannot carry this for much longer,  PLEASE let something actually go in my favour for once in this matter.  This is quite literally my world right now.  I am committed to making it happen - I need your help in making it so.

I am truly thankful for those around me who are trying their best to get these obstacles from the Devil out of my path, but I REALLY need your hand to clear the way right now, and maybe just to give me a little strength back.

Lord, have mercy.
Lord, I need your help.
In Jesus Name

Amen.

Time away, and the need to repent.

OK, so it's been ages since I've been on here and written anything. that's not a good thing.

Right about now, there's a whole lotta family trouble going down and I need some help. My grandfather has been admitted to hospital for a major circulation problem in his leg and an infection in his foot. I don't know here this will go in the long run. I think that there is still a chance that he may be ok but the alternatives are numerous and seem to preclude the one positive outcome. He may end up having to have an amputation, me may need an operation on his leg to clear the blocked blood vessels. The possibilities are numerous but there's only really one outcome that has a positive ending.

My Granddad is coming up 89 years old and has both asthma and heart problems. Anything that involves a general anaesthetic is a risky bThe truth is that I am scared about the outcome of all this. I don't want to loose him. I know that God chooses when to call people home, but that doesn't mean that I can't not want it to happen. The other outcomes are almost worse. i mean, at 89, he's still basically mobile. Sure, he has a fairly short walking range and has some home help but he still drives a car and is determined to get out and about as much as he can. So if he ends up with some kind of amputation that is going to put an end to all that. I mean, he's still as alert mentally as I ever remember him being, so to completely loose that mobility and all the other implications of that, are seriously scary - and I'm not having to contemplate them happening to me!

I know that my cousin is feeling it too, and I worry for her as well, she hasn't always coped with life's troubles that well and the last thing that I want is for this to set back her progress. And then there's Dad, he's with my Granddad in hospital and kicking around his house when visiting hours are out. I mean, kicking around that empty house with only him in it - that's got to feel awful, I can only begin to imagine the emotions that are going through his head.

I can't get any time away from work until Friday but as soon as I can I'll be heading up to see them all. I'm just scared of what I'll find. Like, the worst case scenario, I don't want the last memory I have of my Granddad being in a hospital bed. And now I feel guilty for even writing that on here, I don't want the worst, I don't want him to suffer, I don't want him to loose his independence. And the worst thing is that I can't do anything about it.

I'm used to problems and set backs that can be figured out, solved by throwing resources at them or working harder. This can't. I can't materially affect the outcome with any resource that I have available to me. If I could, I'd do it without question but all I can do is pray...

After a month away from here...

Ok, Last time I was getting all stressed out over moving house and trying to fond somewhere. Well, the reason for me going quiet is that I have found somewhere and moved in (maybe I'll post some photos on here in a few days). Because of moving I haven't had any web access for the last couple of weeks, partially thanks to British Telecom cocking up my broadband installation. But I'm on now. So I've been through the rough but some how, but now there is a path and it feels pretty much like things are getting back on track with everything in my life.

Silence is not always golden

I've had a bit of a sabbatical from blogging for a couple of weeks. Not really intentionally, although I have been working every day for the last three weeks. Today is my first day off fro three weeks. And as soon as it's over, I;m going back in for another three week stint. The only thing that keeps me interested is that I need the money to move house.

I thin the real thing keeping me off here though, has been the lack of feeling like I have something to say. I guess I can now say that everything has worked into a pattern and a way forward. I won't say that it's all worked out for the best because I'm not so sure that it has. There's still a load of grief to deal with, the place I'm moving to is not really somewhere I want to live but I guess that I'm just going to have to deal with it. Work is still stressing me out a bit - I'm coming up to my 6 month probation and at this point they have the right to decide that they do not want me any more.

I think that the best thing is just not to make a big deal about it and see if I can let the date slip past without anything happening and then there's a different set of rules that they have to play by.

I'm still feeling a little bit fed up at the moment if I'm being honest. Things aren't as heavy going as they were, the balls that I need to juggle have changed a little and it seems like everything at the moment is hinged around waiting. Waiting for the references to come back to the lettings agent, waiting for them to get the tenancy agreement drawn up, waiting to get a date when I can get the keys and move in. There's still a chance that this place could fall through and if it does then I have no backup plan and nowhere to go when my tenancy ends.

Feeling terrible - in more ways the one

Ok, so I'm probably the only person who can manager to catch a cold in the middle of summer! I've got blocked ears, blocked nose and a really sore throat. So, as you can imagine, I'm not quite feeling my best right about now. Don't get me wrong, it could be far worse and I'm aware that plenty of people have to deal with illnesses far worse than the common cold. Right now that isn't really helping though.

Work isn't going according to plan either, for some reason people are just not interested in buying right now. Last month was good, very good. There are still a few people coming in but far less than last month and those who are coming in don't want to buy yet. There's interest in the merchandise but when it comes to the crunch they're all looking in respect to a future purchase.

I'm also now into the space in time where I need to be looking for somewhere else to live. My tenancy agreement comes to an end in July and I don't think there's any chance of an extension. Even if there was, I wouldn't take it unless I was desperate. Commuting is costing me a small fortune right now. Petrol, parking and wear and tear on the car. My income is pretty much at full stretch and I need to drop some costs by moving closer to work. I've really only started looking in the last few days and there's a couple of half decent leads to follow up. the first place I looked as was an absolute hell hole. Damp, peeling wallpaper and probably hadn't been modernised since the 1970's! With a little money put in it could have been so nice but as it was it was barely fit for animals let alone a human! There's somewhere else that I've seen and want to get a viewing for but I cant get hold of anyone at the weekend so I'll have to try on Monday.

Update, after a while...

Not a huge amount going down right now to be honest. We hit 98.4% at work last month. That means a basic bonus but nothing that my bank manager is going to get excited about! However, I've also got a few days of overtime coming up as I'm on a training course for two days, then my deputy is on a course for a day. Couple of weeks alter, one of my sales guys is on a weeks holiday so I'm doing the extra hours to cover. I guess that I'll be pretty tired by the end of it but hopefully that should be just about enough money to sort things out a bit.

So, massive thanks and praise, I think that my prayers have been listened to and it looks like they're going to be answered. It's not really the answer that I was praying for, I was kind of hoping that the store would hit target. However, it is an answer that solves my problems and does not create any other issues, so it's probably a better outcome than I was looking for.

Not A Good Day At Work

I had my boss come down to work to visit today and it didn't go as well as expected. I know that I've had a comparatively easy time of it so far in comparison with life in my previous employer so what would have seemed like a mild inconvenience six months ago now seems much bigger and out of proportion. It kind of feels like a case of 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' . It's not that there's a huge amount of things that I need to deal with but it just sort of feels personal.

My boss does not have a particularly motivation way of promoting the need for change and improvement. It's not his fault, he just seems to have an ability to make you feel guilty for no good reason. I guess I should be used to that, My old man has had the ability to make you feel like dirt for no apparent reason, for as long as I can remember. I can even remember Mum complaining about it at times too.

So I have to lick my wounds tonight and get on with it again tomorrow. There's no point in getting all obsessed about it because the changes that do need to happen are going to have to be driven and role modeled by me. Further more, if they're not sorted out then it's me that is directly accountable for the long term result. (I say long term, he's coming back to see how we're doing in two weeks!)

I don't think it helped that I've been feeling really ill all day. I think that I ate something really iffy last night. Thing is, it smelled alright when I cooked it, tasted alright when I ate it but it's done me in today alright. I've felt sick all day and really bloated. Come to think about it, I don't feel much better now either. The moral of the tale - don't eat my cooking!

Still not really feeling any better

I've been off work today - day off. I haven't done very much really. Put a few things on ebay, finished my latest musical 'masterpiece'. So on and so forth.

Despite doing these things and generally trying to relax and forget about work, it hasn't really helped too much. I am still worried about everything today, that worried me yesterday. I haven't heard from work today, nor did I want to contact them to find out the figures, for fear of being seen to pressure them.

I can't stop everything going round in my head. The though that I may be about to loose my job over the current performance should be making the blood rise in my veins, but for some reason there is a certain resignation in my mind. As if the last experience has taken the fight from me and it is yet to return. I think that there may be some more healing of the past that I have yet to complete. I am not as strong as I though I was, or as indeed I wold like to portray myself as being. I think that my prayers are simple tonight;

A truly terrible day at work

Today was awful. The worst sales day that we've had for a while, combined with the fact that it's the last day of the month and we've got no where near target. Just to top it all off some toe rag has stolen a demonstration product from display. The alarm didn't activate - I now find out that the system is incomplete an there was no way for it to active. Just to top it all off, the cctv hasn't been recording to the hard drive for the last 8 days. I didn't know that either.

The thing is, I feel that it's my fault - or more specifically, as if I didn't feel bad enough already, I'm being made to feel that it's my fault by my boss. In all honesty, I don't think that there was anything that I could have done differently to prevent it but that probably wont save my neck. It certainly doesn't do my chances of being retained after my 6 month probation is over.

I'm personally expecting to be told tat I'm having the value of the stolen item docked from my wages. There's nothing in my contract about that but somehow I just get the feeling that is what could well happen. If it does, I need to find some way of fighting it.

I jest feel really bad about it. The thing is, whoever took it probably sees it as a victimless crime, but in actuality, as well as the company being a victim, I feel like a victim. I feel the same way that I did the time that my room was broken into at university.

I know the cliche is to say 'If they'd only ask I'd have given them the money' and on this occasion, I'm certainly not going to say that - the person who took it is probably going to sell it and use the money to by drugs or alcohol. Whatever your belief about drugs, right or wrong, both they and alcohol are 'luxuries' at best and the Devils temptations at worst. So I wouldn't have given them the money instead. I do, however, wish that they feel as much guilt for their act, as I do upset and pain by them committing it. Maybe their guilt would drive them to seek forgiveness and repent of their sins and seek Jesus salvation.

Father, I know that my reaction to what has happened is not exactly

turning the other cheek

And I certainly can't really forgive right now, even though I know that's what I should do.

But I pray that you can forgive them

Moreover, I pray that they will come to you for forgiveness

for what they have done.

Please don't let the actions of another person

have an impact on my relationship with those higher than me in the company.

And please let me get on with things and not dwell on this too much.

In Jesus name,

Amen

Staring down the barrel

Its been a testing few days. My car failed its MOT the other day and I've had to fork out precious money to keep it on the road. Its a catch 22 - I cant not spend the money on it. I need it to get to work to earn the money in the first place. On the other hand, I could well do without the expense. What with paying the road tax, insurance and the cost of the MOT itself as well, I'm in trouble money wise. Its on the credit card right now but there's no what that I can pay for it right now. I also have to worry about the expenses of moving house in a couple of months time.

Work isn't going fantastically either. The incentive is working well, people are certainly selling more effectively and the results are better than they ever could have been before that. However, its a serious struggle to get to target from where we are. There's another 25% to go with only 4 days to do it. Even with everyone well on board, we are now up against the difference that the credit crunch, nae full blown recession, is making to the business. I have to say that I feel a little helpless in my ability to keep it going. I can see that there is no way that the store is going to do target without some serious divine intervention. I cant let the rest of the team see that though, the confidence is pretty fragile and if I allow my doubts to show, the I will be the one who brings down the whole house of card. - Oh the fun of work-place politics!

Father, I have no idea what I am meant to be doing now,

Or how I am meant to be achieving what is before me.

If I carry on in the same way it is likely that I cannot do what I need to.

please help me to see the best way forward and to deal with those around me,

both my team and my bosses.

I think that right now, what I really need is a little divine intervention.

Please find a way to act through those I am surrounded by,

Please help me to act for the good of those who I am around.

In Jesus Name Amen

Is it wrong?

I'm not sure if it's really wrong or not but I want to pray for success at work right now. There's a promotion on at the moment that means I could win up to £300 in Apple vouchers. I don't really want to win all of them, that'd be greedy. I'd quite like to win some though. The greater aim is to get the store through sales target this month and I guess that's more important to me, especially as my probation is up in a couple of months so I'll be reviewed on current performance. I can't help but feel a little insecure that the store is not yet at target. It's grown every month so far, but never actually hot the complete target.

The thing is, I feel a little unsure that I should be asking for personal gain out of such a situation. Compared with everything else that is going on in the world, me praying for success at work, from which I stand to benefit financially, just seems like greed to me.

The thing is, even if I don't really write it down here, or even say it in my prayers, it's in my heart - and that's where God looks, right? So simply by it being there Gd knows it. But is it an impure thought? I mean, so many times we pray it is for some kind of personal gain. Ultimately it's not (really) about the money, although it would be most welcome, it would really be about hitting target and getting a result that might help keep me in a job.

Christ is risen

It's Easter Sunday and we celebrate Christ's rising from the grave and all that the Resurrection means for us. I don't feel too much different as a physical person, but as a spiritual person I feel stronger. Just as Christ appear to his followers when He rose, I feel like, in spirit, he has shown himself to me once again.

I felt drawn back to my old church in Basingstoke to celebrate today, I don;t know why. It's not like I've been part of the congregation there for a number of years. But it was the church where I was confirmed. Somehow it seemed right, as with the Easter service containing the Profession Of Faith and sprinkling of Holy Water, it seemed that it was a good place to re affirm what I believe.

Easter Sunday has long been a day with meaning for me as when Gemma and I were traveling a few years ago, I am 100% sure that, as we attended a service in a church we had never been to before, I was briefly in contact with the spirit of my mother, who had died a couple of years before. I think that maybe Easter Sunday has a certain power about it. Like maybe the heavens are just a little closer that day, or maybe Christ walks just that little bit closer to us on this day.

All I know is that prayers said in faith on Easter Sunday seem to have more resonance and more effect for me personally an it is a day that I feel drawn to celebrate.

Father, I thank you for

Jesus rising form the dead,

For everything that means for Christians all over the world,

And for those who have yet to discover Christ.

When I pray, may my prayers be true and

May I ask only for that which is your will.

Please share with others who have a weakness of faith,

Or those yet to come to you,

The joy of the Resurrection and the comfort that comes

From knowing that we are truly loved and truly saved.

In Jesus Name

Amen

Happy Easter

The true meaning of forgiveness

Ok, so in the run up to easer, I have been asking for forgiveness for some of my sins and forgiving others for things that I have held against them. Some of those I have shared on here, some of them are just between me and Jesus.

The truth that I think that I have realised is that even when we ask God, or others to forgive us, what we ultimately need to forgive ourselves also.

"I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake; and I will not remeber your sins" (Isaiah 43:25)

"In Him [Jesus] we have redemption, through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the richness of His grace (Ephesians 1:7)

So if God forgives all those who come to him through Christ and confess their sins, seeking absolution, why do we not always forgive ourselves? One of the things that I have long sought forgiveness for, I find out by taking to the friend who I wronged, that they have long since forgotten my indiscretion and did not even recall it when I mentioned it to them. Yet, I still hold it against myself as one of the few things that I wish I could actually travel back in time and change.

And so we are with God, many times we ask for forgiveness and yet we do not really forgive ourselves. God loves us so much that he gave His only son to bring us to salvation. So we ask for forgiveness but do not really forgive our selves. God as forgotten our sins long before we have even truly forgiven ourselves and, indeed each other. Maybe we should all be a little quicker to forgive ourselves once we have asked for forgiveness from God.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9)

So we are just to forgive ourselves, as God does not hold our sins against us if we truly repent.

Father, please help me to forgive myself

Of the sins that I still hold inside

As you have forgiven me the sins that I repent,

Please help me to feel this for real and to move on

from the sins that hold me back.

Please help me not to hold sins against other people.

As I pray for forgiveness of others, please help me to forgive them in my heart,

as you forgive them in yours.

As Easter Sunday approaches, please help me to

Appreciate the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross

And what it truly means to me

And to all those who come to you through Him.

For the fact that you can save the human race,

please help me to spread the gospel of your love

and to show my love for you in a way that others

can comprehend.

This I ask in Jesus Name

Amen

Todays Forgiveness...

Ok, short and to the point;

Father, today I ask for forgiveness for something that happened

about this time of year, many, years ago.

I once prayed for something that I shouldn't have been given

Yet I prayed with such force and conviction that you still answered me.

I prayed to be given a physical relationship with someone who I loved

Yet should not have been with.

And you gave me what I should not have had.

And being weak, I gave in - outside of marriage.

So, please father, forgive me for my moment of weakness.

I also want to forgive someone for the hurt that they have caused me and a close friend

And for trying to drive a wedge between us. I will not name a name

But I will put the initials N.S.

Father, you know who I mean and that is all that matters.

I want to forgive them for their actions,

Please help me to let go of the animosity that I sometimes feel towards them

And heal the hurt that makes me feel it on the first place

This I ask

In Jesus name

Amen

Does God Celebrate Easter?

On the face of it, that seems a really silly question, of corse He would... But think about it; you send your only Son down to earth to save the Human race, who you love as your own image. And what does the human race do? Most of them refuse to accept their salvation and end up killing your son. How much compassion does it take to forgive that? It's not exactly the sort of thing that you'd celebrate, is it? So, maybe its the resurrection? Certainly I think that there is someone in all out lives that we would celebrate the day that the walked again. And that's it. It is the resurrection that we celebrate, the abundance of life, the forgiveness of sins.

So that is what I am going to do. Between now and Easter Sunday, I am going to pray for the forgiveness of a sin that I have yet to repent for, and in turn, forgive another for a sin against me that I have yet to forgive them for.

So, 'Does God celebrate Easter?' My though is that He celebrates that we do.

Father, as I have said above, I pray for forgiveness

Today I hold before you the way that I behaved towards my

Mother when I was a teenager.

I have said that I am sorry before, but never

Have I truly asked for forgiveness.

Whilst she is no longer alive to forgive, I ask you in her place.

Please forgive all that I have done, that I am truly sorry for.

And, father, I ask you to forgive all those who bullied me when I was at school

I will not name names, although I could place a dozen here I'm sure.

You saw them and know who they are.

Despite what they have left me with, I am ready to let go and forgive

For those who have any remorse for their actions,

Please let them feel that they are forgiven and that I bear no grudge.

Please grant me the strength to continue to heal the wounds that they have left behind.

I ask in Jesus name

Amen

The perfect day off

I think that today has been pretty much my perfect day off. I had a nice lie in to start with and then did a bit of housework and got the vacuuming and sweeping out of the way. I then spent a number of hours out in the sun washing and waxing both the car and bike. After that I went out for a little drive in the sun. Just to top the day off perfectly I have a pizza in the oven and a couple of bottles of my favourite cider to wash it down with.

I didnt think about work at all, they didnt phone me or anything and the sunshine was really up lifting. The peace and quiet of the countryside with the sound of the brids, a few horses neighing in the distance and a complete feeling of escapism and of being in paradise. With the exception of buying my pizza and cider when I went out earlier, I have not spoken to another person all day. Whilst that is not my usual way, I have to say that it was exactly what I needed. I feel more relaxed after this one day off than I have after some hollidays that I've had.

I couldn't help but feel that today had a little divine intervention behind it. A day this warm and perfect as today just felt like it had to be made by God himself. Everything looked beautiful, trees, fields, even the centre of Eastleigh (which usually looks like a crap hole at the best of times!) Everything looks good with the sun shining on it. Like God himself is smiling down on the plannet.

Father, thankyou for today

Thankyou the warmth of the sun

And the feeling of being free that it gave me today

Thankyou for all the blessings that I have enjoyed today

My car, my bike and the time away from work to enjoy them

Thankyou for recharging me today,

With the challenges I face at work,

I feel like I now have some energy to take them on again

Please help me to share the feelings that I have

Experienced today with those around me

and to show that they are because of your love.

In Jesus Name

Amen

A return to creativity

After a long absence from writing and producing anything of musical note, I have finally broken the drought. Over the last two days I have written and produced a new track that is completely original. I've been ticking over on remixes for the last couple of weeks, not really being very original but producing some interesting ideas. Now I am back into my creative flow, maybe there will be some more to follow? Better still, maybe I will meet someone who can sing some of the vocals for me. I must admit that it's annoying that I cannot sing any of the lyrics that I write but I guess i would rather be able to write music and lyrics than to have to sing those given to me by someone else. My creativity is my release and somewhere to channel the energies that dwell within.

Father, thank you for allowing me the gift to create music

and to be able to express myself creatively.

There are times when I have thought about trying to

write religious lyrics to with some of my music.

I'm just not sure that they'd do justice to my beliefs.

Maybe you could guide me?

The words that I woke up with in my head the other day,

Were they meant for this purpose?

I guess that they could be but I'm not sure.

Thank you for the words anyway,

And thank you for giving me my creativity back.

In Jesus Name

Amen

After A Long Time Away

Well, I've not put a post up on here for a while. The main reason for that is that I have been working solidly this week and it has knocked me back a little bit. I've done seven days solid so that two of my staff could go on a training course. I have tomorrow off and that will be nice. I can kick back and relax for a day.

I took the bike to work today and I have to say that it was fantastic. It was almost like an early summers day. The sun was warm, a little chill on the air but not enough to make it cold and very little traffic on the road. The perfect day to own a motorbike! I just find biking so relaxing, like it blows all your cares away. I should have felt pretty much dead on my feet today, what with it being my 7th day straight, but after biking in it almost felt like a pyjama day!

However, on the more troublesome side of life, my car is in a bad way. My baby is sick and in need of a little TLC. Unfortunately TLC costs money. Money that I don't really have right now. Having been out of work for a while my finances are all over the place right now and everything is a bit hand-to-mouth. I haven't had chance to get some savings stored up for this sort of thing yet.

Father, whilst I'm pretty sure that I don't want to be asking

for help to deal with things as simple as maintaining my car.

I do feel that I should be praying for the opportunity to

Build some stability back into my life again

In a couple of months I will be needing to move house again

And before then I need to get some stability to my finances and

To my commitments.

Please grant me the presence of mind to do the best I can

With the situations that are in front of me.

In Jesus Name

Amen

Relaxation On My Day Off

It's only going to be a short entry as I 've had a day off from work today. It was nice to be able to do very little for the day. I did the basics - vacuuming, wash the car, do the food shopping etc. And I got my usual day of treat. Old Rosie cider - the nicest cider that I have discovered to date - and, in my opinion, a real taste of freedom. Perfect for a day off. Other than that I haven't been up to too much today. Nice to have a day of doing very little.

Not that I can truly have a day off, I still logged on to see how work did in my absence. Maybe I should have a day off more often?! They did better without me than they do when I am there. As long as that pattern doesn't continue (joke).

I'd like to think that I have been listening today. There's not been too much on my mind to distract me. I can't say that I've heard anything. I'm fully expecting it to take more than a day so the previous comment is pretty much tongue in cheek.

Father, My prayers today are much the same as last night,

All I can say is that, when you feel the time is right to speak,

I am doing my best to listen.

In Jesus name

Amen

It's been a while since I've been on here, not much has changed in all reality. Work is chugging along quite nicely. Things seem to have improved quite a lot in that respect. I think that's what I would call 'a prayer answered'. So that's everything in a nice little stable groove right now. And I guess that's where I need to be. Having been down to the bottom, I can't begin to climb straight back to the top without laying some solid foundations on which to build.

I think that maybe I need to turn my attention back to trying to find a partner again. Thing is, where do I look. I don't want someone who is morally loose. I want someone who shares my Christian values and has some self respect. You don't exactly find them getting drunk and putting themselves around in pubs and clubs. For the same reason that I don't go there, nor do they. So where do I meet them? Where do they go? How do you find someone who has the values to resist the carnal sins of society and by that very resistance, they keep away from the 'meat markets' that (male?) society has created in order to find female prey? It's a dilemma that I can't really answer. All I know is that I am getting weak. I find myself looking at women in the street that I find attractive and having thoughts that I should not be. There is nothing wrong with appreciating the attractiveness of the opposite sex, but those thoughts and observations should be respectful. I am becoming weak.

Father, please forgive me for when I am weak,

I do not really intend to be as weak as I am

Yet I am not strong enough to resist it either.

Where do I find a partner who shares the same values as I do?

Someone who brings out the best in me

Who helps me to be all I can be

Who I can help to be all that they can be

Someone who will love me without hesitation

Someone who I can love unconditionally

Can you guide me to find the right one?

I am listening, if you are ready to speak.

I ask in Jesus name

Amen