The diary of a broken man.

Sounds melodramatic, probably is melodramatic.  But it's also how I feel right now.  Over the last week  I've had so much to deal with, I think it has reached the point where I really cannot cope with it any more.  Work was broken into in the small hours on Monday morning.  The window was smashed through and most of the display stock was taken.  So I was called out and on site from about 3:30am.  SO no sleep then.  Also the house purchase has simply gone from disaster to disaster.  Firstly the place was undervalued and I had to sort that out - That nearly sent me over the edge.  Trying to sort financials with Dad is never an easy thing to do, he always tries to overcomplicate things and we usually end up coming to a disagreement.  Anyway, that was sorted eventually, and I put in a challenge on the given value, just in case it could gain back any ground.  Then there was the break in at work.

So I wasn't really sleeping well before the break in, didn't get any sleep the night of the breaking and haven't really been able to sleep since.  So, today when I popped into the bank to see if there had been any response from the valuer, I get hit with the next load of shit, flying fresh from the fan...

HSBC, my old bank that I am in the process of leaving, have put in a credit check on me for a mortgage quotation and an in-principle decision - without my knowledge or authorisation.  That has screwed up my credit score so that the bank are no longer able to approve me for the mortgage that I need.  SO the shit hits the fan once again.  I have spent the day trying to get HSBC to sort out their mess, but the truth is that I fear the damage has already been done, top the extent that any repair will not be complete in time for the mortgage application to be processed, and it may not restore all of the damage that has been done.  I fully intend to take HSBC to court for breach of the data protection act but right now that will not aid this cause, so that can wait.

It looks like the only way out of this may be for Dad to go 'guarantor' on the mortgage application, and that might just get it through.  Problem is that he is in his 60's - the mortgage is for 35 years, there's no way that they will accept him as being able to cover the whole period (or at least, that's how it seems to me anyway).

So here I am, I think I about to need to find somewhere else to live, at about 2 weeks notice.  I really don't see that as being do-able so it could well be a case of putting everything into storage (and I can't take any time off work to do that) and then dossing down in a b&b until I can get somewhere sorted out.

Jesus this is such a mess.  I actually feel mentally outside of myself at the moment.  I cannot remember things that happened a few hours ago in some cases.  I know they happened but cannot recall any detail.  I don't feel like I'm me right now, I feel like I'm someone on the outside, watching me and my life.

The Bible tells with confidence in many places that the Lord will not place more burden on a man than he can carry - well, Lord - this is getting pretty close.  I cannot carry this for much longer,  PLEASE let something actually go in my favour for once in this matter.  This is quite literally my world right now.  I am committed to making it happen - I need your help in making it so.

I am truly thankful for those around me who are trying their best to get these obstacles from the Devil out of my path, but I REALLY need your hand to clear the way right now, and maybe just to give me a little strength back.

Lord, have mercy.
Lord, I need your help.
In Jesus Name

Amen.

Lent

So what do I pray for over Lent?  There is the obvious thing that I should be praying for others, known to me and further afield.  But maybe this can also be a time when I can pray for me and my spirit.  I feel like I have been preparing for something recently - the sudden drive to loose weight - and the fact that it is actually working this time too; My resurgence in Faith.  It never left me completely but being brought someone new to share it with and to show me that I can 'live in the open' and be honest about it rather than hiding it at work.  So all this preparation, and I feel good about it.  When I feel hungry now I don't feel it as hunger, it is not uncomfortable.  When someone notices my cross or wrist band i feel empowered by it.

So anyway, Lent.  I have made my choices.  One was suggested by a friend and actually, the more I think about it, the more it seems a very clever choice that will actually force me to think about what I am doing and why.  Their suggestion was 'Cheese'.  Doesn't seem much, until I think about how often I eat it and how much I like it.  Pizza is an all time favourite with me so that's out.  I have it every day in my sandwiches for work, so I'll have to rethink those too.  I love a bit of cheese and red wine - can't do that either.  So every day I will have something to remind me and for me to focus on.  It is so easy at work just to loose focus on things once in a while and maybe this will help ground me.

I'm also giving up my 2 favourite tipples - cider and vodka.  I've cut my drinking down a lot recently but these are my 2 favourites so I will give those up for Lent also.

My final sacrifice is to give up 1 hour per day of TV/Web surfing time to read the Bible and Pray.  Something that I must confess I have not done for a while.  Sure I have said a few prayers for people close to me when I have felt that they needed it, I have certainly said a few recently for things that I want.  But I haven't really stopped and just Prayed to be in the presence of the Lord and to focus on Him.

There's also an interesting web site that I have found: What To Give Up For Lent which had a daily sacrifice to follow as well. I will also be doing this.

Other than that I have decided that any bonus I earn from direct sales at work (otherwise known as 0.1% of the store takings) will be given to charity.  I haven't decided what charity yet, all I know is I want it to be local and actually do something for people.  Maybe a Christian charity that works with the homeless or something like that.  I will look and see what I can find.

So those are my Lent choices.  God willing I will be strong and complete them.

So, for Shrove Tuesday, I will be having the traditional pancakes, washed down with my last bottle of cider for 40 days.

16 Hours in

I began at midnight and on the whole I feel pretty good.  Its something to focus on and focus my thoughts around.  I think Ive been tested a bit this morning though, things going wrong, not in a big way but many little things.

I don't feel too hungry but I am aware of it.  Im supposed to be on lunch break right now and it does feel a little strange not eating but at the same time, the unfamiliarity of it makes me conscious of it and able to focus my thoughts around it.  Im pretty confident on making it to midnight without breaking.

Answers? , now that's another matter entirely.  Maybe I will have some kind of spontaneous realisation in one of the areas that I am focussing on.  Most probably I won't and I'll have to look and listen for any answers when they come.

I was working on some lyrics last night as well, sounding like a preacher as an MC.  I think it might work quite well if I can produce it right.

I'll check back in later on...

New Pet Project

Ok, so things are ticking over in most of my life in the same way as they alway have done. Work is the same old stuff, albeit a little better than before.

But that's not what this entry is about. I have started my own web site, ratherodd.org and have spent most of my free time over the last week on getting it up and running.

It's by no means finished but it's ready for visitors. As well as being a place to have some fun, I'm also using it to promote my music as well. I'm not sure what will come of putting my music more prominently on display, if anything, but it will be interesting to see. I've decided that the web site is going to focus on bizarre, unusual and disgusting things. Now all I have to do is tread the fine line between that and my religion. I'm sure at some point I'll get it wrong. It's a fine line to tread. but I want to try. After all, having my own web page is a great new adventure!