The musings of a madman

Just feeling a little restless, that all.   Work is pretty crap, business is down and the team is slowly falling apart and there's nothing that I can do.  People leaving and people bringing in their problems from home, etc…  Money is now a constant struggle.  Basically I don't have any.  My staff keep fucking up the mystery shop visit and that is costing me my bonus.  They don't care, they're leaving or don't have the financial commitment to actually need the money.

I always used to live my life on the rule that whatever my finical commitments, I wold never exceed my basic pay outgoings that I had to make.  It's now at the point where I' about to break that and I have no guarantee of anything further whilst the staff keep loosing me my bonus.  There isn't much I can do to deal with it.

The horrible truth is that I haven't had a pay rise in 5 years, My bonus has been eroded away by head office moving the goal posts and by the staff pissing away what I have earned, through their own laziness and incompetence.  I can't hold them to account without head office getting on the way, but they're costing me money month after month - with the exception of one staff member who actually wants to get involved and make progress.

I don't want to leave where I work but it is getting to the point where their choice not to give me a pay rise is making me finically unviable.  With my ratio of income to liabilities, if I was a company- I'd be in administration right now.  Now quite bankrupt, but needing special measures to see things through.

So the answer would seem to be to find either a second job or to find a different job with better pay.  Frankly the second job thing is not going to be a viable option - I've looked and I con't seem to find anything that will fit around the times I want to be down the gym.

So that leaves looking for a different job.  Not sure what that's likely to bring.  I'm sure there are things within retail that i could move to but I would really like to make a move outside of retail, maybe to something a little less volatile and certainly less target driven.  I keep thinking that there may be something that I can do with my ACSP qualification but there does't seem to be anything obvious.  In either case, it needs to be able to pay a basic that is substantially higher than what i am earning now, especially if there is any commuting involved.

But then again, where I am financially would not be so bad had I not bitten off more than I can chew in respect of financial investments and security that my IFA has pushed my way.  That seems to have crept up and been more expensive at every step and it has basically crossed the line between ending affordable and making my finical position unviable.  But all the different elements are so intertwined that I can't see a way of unpicking one from another and making life easier.  I'm stuck with a load of witty insurances that I don't see the value in, but then the commission that my IFA gets from those is paying the handling fees for my stocks and shares ISA which keeps that profitable.  I don't see a way of picking this lot apart and making it any more viable.

Don't get me wrong, compared with some people out there, I am still OK. At the moment the mortgage payments on the mortgage are safe and for that I am truly thankful.  At the same time, I feel that I am justified in wanting to progress and do better in life, earn more money to be stable again.

I guess I'm just feeling the pinch at the moment.  It's ironic really, all the time that the country was in the shit, I was blessed enough not to feel it.  NOw that the economy is allegedly on the up, I am finically squeezed to a level that i advent felt since I first moved out of home, back in Basingstoke just after I left uni.  Back then it was playing off the bank balance to pay day and making money go round twice.  Its not that bad now, but its getting closer.  I need and want a way out.

Lord, money may not be the everything in this world,
I may not be able to take it with me when I leave,
And I know there are many people with far less
Than I possess in this life.

Yet none-the-less I ask,
show me a way to be able to move forward,
To get back to a place of stability and prosperity
so that I may be able to provide for the partner and family 
that I aspire to have.
So that I may enjoy a positive outlook on life
day by day
And have a a stability that allows me to build for the future.

Lent

So we reach this time of year again.  The imminent arrival of the season that is Lent.  The chance to focus upon our faith, our temptations and indeed, our resolve.  And it comes at a moment when I am maybe feeling a little weaker in some areas.

There's a few things that maybe I need to return to my directly conscious mind.  Firstly, I have never really found a Church here in Salisbury.  There are many things that I wish I had, but a sense of community may well be the biggest.  I don't know where I'm going to find it, but I certainly haven't done so yet.

I think back to Easters that have been before.  Many years ago, I was travelling with someone that I then cared about - but we have drifted apart now and that is much for the better.  But those years ago, Easter was a time that really had spiritual impact, something that I had community around me to appreciate.  Then a few years later, I remember Easter at my local Church in Basingstoke at the time.  The place where I was confirmed.  That was a community of a kind.  But it also served to show me what I din't want.

It was a 'nice' congregation.  But it wasn't an inspirational congregation.  It was very formal, very 'old school' and traditional.  That's fine if you're only a few years away from shuffling off or you were born in the 50's.  I want to celebrate and praise.  I want to feel inspired and invigorated to take the feeling with me for the rest of the week.

I felt a little of that last year, when I went to Church with a more recent friend.  It felt good, it felt right in respect of the celebratory elements of there service.  That said, I realised that I have a bit of an issue with being self conscious in such situations.  I wish I could loose that.

I wish I cloud find a local Church where I felt like I fitted in, where I could be me and worship in the style that I feel fits me as a person.  But this is Salisbury, about as conservative and boringly middle England as it is possible to get.

Anyway, to Lent this year.  I think I will give up much the same as I did last year.  Perhaps with a couple of small changes.

My abstinence will be from the following;

• Cheese, and all products containing cheese.
• Beer
• Cider
• Spirits / Fortified alcohol over 20% proof

I will also endevour to do the following;

• Spend at least 15 minutes each day in prayer and reflection - more time when circumstances allow.
• Follow the reading plan for the scriptures laid out here

So, as tomorrow is Shrove Tuesday and there is so little the before Lent begins, I pray and I hope to make these my focus for the period to follow…

Father, please guide me to find a local Church where I can feel at home
to be myself and worship and celebrate in a way that I feel comfortable with.

As this time approaches when I will deny myself things that I enjoy and crave,
please hear my prayers for the things that I need.

I need love, I need companionship.
I need someone to stand by my side as my equal.
I need someone who will love me as I love them.

I feel so lonely at the moment, 
though I fill the time with whatever I can
so that I don't feel so empty.

Please move someone across my path that might make this happen.

Yet, as I pray for the things that I want,
please help me to see what I can do to help others,
to see the things that I can pray for to help them,
and to find the time to do so.

In Jesus Name
Amen

I've only gone and done it now...

So, whether it was the right thing to do or not, I have sent a valentines card to the one who has been on my mind.  I'm pretty miffed cos it looks like Moonpig send the damned thing a day early as she has just posed that she's received it already!  Damn.  No matter, there's not much I can do about that now.

I just can't help feeling that I'm in for a let down.  I really want an chance to see if anything might happen between us and this may well not be the best way to go about it.  Frankly I'm a bit rusty - I've never been a big one for 'having game' and what little I might have once had hasn't exactly had much use lately.  If I'm being honest i don't really want to use it.  I'd rather just be given the grace to be able to say the right thing and do the right thing to be able to get the one person that I want.  It's not about playing the field, it's about playing for keeps. - Hey, that'd do for the concept for a song!  Maybe...

Anyways, I'm frankly feeling a bit nervous about revealing myself tomorrow.  I have a plan that should give the game away.  I just don't know what sort of reception I'm going to get.  I really can;t help but feel that it's going to be an "oh how sweet, but I'm just not interested" or a "I'm not looking for anything right now"  or worse still, relegation into the 'friend zone'.  Still, I've been in too many situations of wondering what if, or not being able to because there was someone else.  There's no real reason why I shouldn't give it a try.  When you start with nothing, you've got nothing to loose and in this case so much to gain.  Could be in for a dark night tomorrow night though.  If I'm being honest, I don't rate my chances.  Too soon, not her type etc...

Father,  I pray that you will is for this to happen
I found the courage to do this much - you gave me that.
I don't want to embarrass or hurt someone that I care about,
But I really want this to happen.
Please grant me the grace to know what to say and do,
To be able to express myself without causing any hurt or upset.

I don't want to be single anymore.  I war happiness with someone I care about
And who cares about me.

I ask in Jesus name

Amen.

Right before my eyes

Ok, I was working today when a certain someone came in.  I mentioned in my last post that they've had a make over and are looking good - well they came in today and yup, they look fantastic!  So there they were, right before me - looking oh so good.  But they've just come out of a long term relationship and therefore I couldn't say anything even if I had the balls to.

So there we go - I realised I had an inters when they were working with me but couldn't because they were with someone and we worked together.  Both of those obstacles are out of the way now but I don't know how they feel about me, and frankly i don't think that I have the confidence to actually say anything anyway.  The more i look at myself in the mirror, the more I realise that I have a long way to  go before I feel that I can have confidence on my appearance.  I still have a lot of stomach fat to loose.  I may have lost 5 stone and reached 13 stone in weight but that extra stone and a half to two stone is really noticeable to me.  I need to get rid of it weigh a vengeance.

Maybe this is the prod I need to make me go the extra mile.  I know who I want a chance to be with now.  I don't really want to get into online dating at the moment, I want a chance to see if there is something here that might happen.  So that means two things.

Firstly I need to double down and really push to get rid of the extra weight.  I don't know how much less I can eat in a day and how much more exercise I can pack into a week but I think I need to push harder and see what i can do.  I have been pretty weak and lax recently.  I need to push on and toughen up on myself.  I am sure that I can drop a naughty night each week and stop at one.  I am also sure that I can regain the motivation not to eat in the evening.  Recently I have been having a little snack when I have got back from the gym and whilst i have been under my RDA for calories still it has reduced the speed at which I have lost weight.  I want and need to feel confident in my appearance, and be desirable to her.  I need to look good.  I have to force myself on, motivate myself to go even further and even harder - as the saying goes... "Go hard or go home!"

Secondly, I need to reevaluate and reprogram my thoughts and expectations in terms of relationships. I seem to be so quick to jump at things right now, almost overkill.  no one is going to want to be with someone who is rushing at the speed that I seem to gallop ahead at.  I need to reign myself in and learn to move at a sensible speed instead of assuming that whatever stage of feelings that I am at, other people are automatically going to mirror them.

I need to go back to basics - deconstruct the person that I am and reconstruct the person that they can fall for.

It's all a bit of a mess but at the same time I feel motivated to really push for what I want.

Lord, what is in front of me shows me what I want.
Is this meant to be?
I know it has re-motivated me and that can only be positive
Please give me the strength though your grace to actually stick with this new motivation.
In a way I don't mind if this isn't meant to be, if it is your will.
But please bring someone into my life.
It's really time now.  I don't want to be on my own anymore.

IJN, Amen

2013 review / New years resolutions

OK, so I'm starting the new year with a glass of champagne for breakfast - dart the way you mean to go on as far as I'm concerned.  Then it'll be roast duck for lunch, cooked by my own hand...  It's all starting to be a yearly tradition.

Anyway to the review.  Looking back at what I said this time last year, there were a few areas that I challenged myself on:


1.  Eating.   - Doing well, I have managed to pretty much stick to 5 controlled days and 2 naughty days per week.  There's been the occasional slip- and the occasional deliberate subversion of the rules.  Anyway, mission accomplished.

2.  Drinking. - so I'm now down to drinking 2 nights per week, usually on the 'naughty' days, with food, but occasionally I have separated them.

3.  Hygiene. - Big change, I have re-discovered Lush bath bombs!  More than happy to spend hours in the bath now!  Only down side is that my water bill has gone up as a result!

4.  Exercise.  - BIG WIN!  I've been going to the gym regularly, usually around 3 times a week, commitments permitting.  The results have been astounding - I have lost 4st 13lb in a year!  I was so desperately trying to get to the 5stone mark but ultimately I am not going to lie or cheat myself.  I missed the 5 stone (just) but it's still an epic win.  I also have the beginnings of a 'body' starting to develop, my weight living capacity has improved vastly and I have some serious muscle tone underneath once I can shift the rest of the fat.

Also this year a truly unexpected event has happened.  What started as a major threat to life stability ahas turned out to be a massive opportunity for progress.  I now own my own home.  Having been given notice to vacate due to the land lady selling up, I was able to put together the finances to purchase the property myself.

I have also managed to achieve another big move forward - I have sorted out my long term finances with various investments and protections, through the advice of my finical adviser, plus I managed to get shares in the Post Office.

SO all in all, it's been a year of good achievement and of notable progress.

I think at this point I need to stop and give thanks to God for what I have received.  I am truly grateful.  I think that I have achieved much of this through my own effort, but with the Lords grace and favour to provide the opportunities and to give me the strength to actually see through the intentions that I have started with so many times before.


SO we move on to this year, the big '14...  What am I going to target myself to achieve?  What will I ask the Lord to give me the strength and opportunity to achieve?

Well, I think I want to carry on with the weight loss a little further,  I have come so far but not yet reached my target goal.  I also need to make good on a 'pinky swear' that I made with a friend - to actually bite the bullet and get into online dating and begin the process of finding a partner.

So in short, I think 2014 is a year of consolidation in many respects.  Last year I changed who I physically am, this year I need to learn to accept that, become confident in that and begin to realise the worth in it.  And so I set my goals thusly;

Weight / Gym:
To loose a further amount of weight with a joint goal of reaching either 11.5 stone (a 1 stone 8 lb reduction from where I am)  OR to reach 25% body fat (currently 32%).  I choose this as a joint goal as I also intend to focus far more on the body building and weight lifting which will result in some muscle gain and increase in weight through that.

To reach a stage where I am confident enough to go shirtless when I am on holiday in France next year - subjective I know - and I'm the one used to using SMART objectives!  However, it's important for 2 reasons, firstly it's an obvious visual measure of my success, but secondly it's also a confidence thing...

Lord, please grant me the self belief and confidence to achieve this.

Personal Life
To find the right place to start looking for love online, to avoid the meat market of the less moral on line dating sites in the hope of finding someone with similar values who might actually be interested in me as a person.

Lord, please grant me the guidance to avoid situations that would have me compromise my moral values and show me to somewhere that I may actually find people that I have a chance of happiness with.

Other
To consolidate on what I have achieved in 2013, to make good to those who have helped me along the way and to make sure that what I have is secure.

Lord,  you gave me so much last year and I am truly thankful.  Please help me to get back to my Faith and the strength that it gives me, to find the way forward to people that I can share my life with.

Please help me to appreciate what I have and to see the way forward to better myself and be happy.

It's a selfish ask, I know, but once I am strong, I can use that strength to help others.

IJN, Amen

Quick post from work.

Ok, I'm on lunch right now- at 3:30pm. Not really feeling too great right now. Don't really know why but I'm feeling a bit low. I am ridiculously tired, I keep waking up with lower back pain in the middle of the night so I haven't managed more than a few hours sleep per night for ages. I'm also feeling a bit lonely. This is one of those moments when I just want to have a girl to cuddle up to and to be somewhere warm and safe. 

It's not that things are bad right now, on the whole things are good. It's normally when times are tough that this sort of feeling takes hold of me but this time it seems to have come from nowhere. 

It's moments like this when I almost feel like rushing my plans for finding a partner and jumping into online dating now, for the sale of not being alone.   I know that's the wrong thing to do. In not ready physically and emotionally I still keep thinking about H. - which irritates me. I could well do without feeling like that but there we go, what is inside me cannot easily be removed.  Time will mend, I an sure. God willing. 

I also need to sort out my head in respect to the sort if person I am looking for. I work with the public every day, so you can't really help 'window shopping' in the quiet periods. The people I find myself drawn to physically are all a but on the young side for what I am looking for. I am 34 yet the average age for the people that I am finds g myself attracted to is probably 23-25. Mentally that's where I think I am, age wise. But none the less, 10 years odd is a hell of a gap and people tend to judge that sort of thing. But there were 10 years between mum and dad - in the other direction mind you. 

And does it mean that I would be taking advantage if I approached someone 10 years younger than me?  I guess they can (and probably will) say no if they want to.  But I would still feel like a dirty old man for making the first move if there was that kind of age gap. If they asked, that is different because they have decided that they are ok with it.  And worse still, what if I make a love on some one and they turn out to be 18-19 or something? That wound just be wrong. 

But I do want some one younger than me. By 34 most women either have children or don't want children.  I DO want kids but I'd rather not be bringing up someone else's. I would if I had to, but it wouldn't be my first choice.  Also, by 34 a lot of women are 'pipe and slippers' or 'frumpy housewife'. I want someone who will come out on long country walks, share some of my other active interests. 

I guess it would be possible with someone my own age but more likely with someone younger. I just don't want to be single any more. 

Feeling a little empty

I have to say that I am feeling a little empty right now.  There's a sense of lethargy that I haven't felt for a while.  I only managed 45 minutes down the gym tonight for the sake of feeling tired and lethargic.  And now Im home, putting down these words when I really ought to be doing some paperwork for work.  What I really want is to leave all this behind and just get to an emotionally even keel.

I feeling pretty fed up with waiting at the moment - patience has never been one of my strong points, especially with things that seem to really plod.  I just want to fast forward through time, I guess about 6 months or so would do it.  Past the point where I have to cope with a certain someone going out of my life, to the point in time when I have lost enough weight not to be classed as 'fat' any more.  I have been slowly chugging away at the weight loss thing and can now proudly say that I have managed to loose 2 stone since Boxing Day.  Most weeks I am still managing the two pounds but it just feels so slow.  I cant really see / feel that much of a change most of the time.  Occasionally something comes along that makes me realise that I have lost weight and can now do something that I could not before, or I can fit into clothes that haven't fitted me for a while.  If I can keep this up then I should be at or near my target weight in another 6 months, and the maybe I will be confident enough to actually meet someone and do something about what I really want out of life - a wife and family.

At the moment though I am still fat.  Despite the progress, and the positivity that I try to gain from that, I just want to get rid of it all now.  I don't have a problem with people being whatever size they are - as long as they are happy.

I used to pretend I was happy with my size until I was enlightened and came to see that I was self harming and binge eating.  Now I am most definitely not happy with my size - it is a constant reminder of the abuse that sparked the cycle of harm and the years that I proliferated it.  I hate what I see around the person that is inside.  I don't hate myself, I hate the layer of fat that stops the person inside me from being free.

I don't want to be ungrateful, there are many people who are really struggling to loose weight and so far it hasn't been as hard a challenge as perhaps it might be (and may yet become).  I don't want to play down what I have achieved.

The only way I can describe it is that it is like Christmas, when you know what you will get because you asked for it long in advance.  You build up to that big moment when you get what you want but you just want time to rush by quicker.  It doesn't mean that you don't appreciate the anticipation, you just wish time would go by quicker to get to the end reward.

One day I WILL be a normal weight, one day I WILL accept that I deserve to be loved as a person, one day I WILL have the confidence in my own appearance and my own worthiness to do something about finding a long term relationship.

God Willing.

The rambled rantings of a madman

Ok, so my reality cheque just bounced....

Seriously though,  the one I have feelings for is away on holiday for then next week.  They've only been gone a day - heck- I even saw them briefly this morning, and I feel  a sense of loss.  I;m sure that this early on, most of it is psychosomatic and has very little foundation in reality.  But the truth is this.  Regardless of how I feel about them, they brighten my day like no other.  They put a smile on my face at times when I have no right to be happy.  They make me want to be a better person, they make me want to love them.

So its only a week - that's what I;m telling myself.  On the assumption that nothing happens - and to be fair, why would it? - how am I going to cope when they go off to uni?  I guess the answer is that it will cut me up for a fair while, but I will find a way of numbing it.

I think I have pretty much reached a stage of reckoning that I would rather keep them as a friend than loose them altogether - so when they go to uni, I would want to keep in touch.  But all of this is so one sided.  Look back as far as you like on here and it is all "I want", "I pray" this, that and the other.  Although it is forever on my mind, not once have I stopped on here to really vocalise a care about what they want, how they are feeling.

And beside all this there is 14 years...  OMFG, 14 YEARS!  that is just SO wrong when you put it like that.  But numbers are one thing and personal connection is another.  but still - that makes me feel so dirty for even allowing my mind to go there.  I mean, 3 years nab,  3 years and someone that I have feelings for as a person would be under age.  Shit, I'm no sicko.  I cant cope with it like that.  I just take the person at face value and there we have it.  But is that the same kind of twisted rationale that makes these 'people' think the way that they do?

Oh, mon Jesu, this makes no sense.
thoughts, feelings, emotions
I've almost forgotten what a clear head is.
First the hurt of the past,
Now the feelings I have in the present
Dare I ask about the future?!
I know what I want, but I question if it is right.
I know how I feel, but  do I have a right to feel like that?
you can see my inner most thoughts and feelings
I canot hide from you
Please make this right, either cleanse me of these thoughts
or bring this feeling to fruition.

In Jesus name

Easter Sunday

First off, Happy Easter one and all.  Never forget what today is really about.Never forget what you are celebrating and what it really means for you.

So I spent today relaxing and celebrating what is important to me - being thankful for what I have.  I went to church this morning but to a new church, somewhere I have never been before.  But I was there with friends and among some of the most welcoming people I could ask for.  I think  I know a bit more about the kind of church where I will fit in now.

Equally I know a bit more about what is going on in my heart.  It's true, it's unconditional and frankly it is probably going to come to nothing.  Friendship is the most important thing, and then maybe something else might come, but friendship is the law.

So after church I went for a bike run.  I haven't been on the motorbike in a while and it felt good, if a little cold.  Spring is definitely starting to poke through, despite the cold.  There were daffodils flowering in the banks and the sun was warm through the jacket.  The air was cold enough though and by the end of the run my knees were frozen through and I did a fair amount of the 'John Wayne' when I got off at the end of the run.  Despite the cold it felt so free, I felt so free.  To be on an open road with the sun on my back and the cold, crisp wind in my face.  So this is what it feels like to be free.

So, church then this - I ended up feeling the freedom and the love for the world that a free man can only feel.  Truth is though, it means nothing on my own.  And I don't want to be on my own, I want to be with someone I love - with someone who loves me.  I have found the person that I think maybe I could love, but they seem to notice me only in passing at best.

All I know is that I would give anything I have, go anywhere, do anything to be with this one person.  To stand before the Lord as a couple, to do His will and spread His word.  Together we could be strong, for each other and for His glory.

I pray for this so much and ask His will and His blessing.

Lord, I am not worthy to ask such a question of you,
To pray for a change in your will to suit my own feelings.
Yet I ask none the less, coming to you through the risen Lord, Jesus Christ,
Through your grace and power, may my dreams and intentions
Become your will. That I can share life and love with the one,
I hold before you in my heart.

In Jesus name amen.

God Willing...

Ok,  there's a bit going on right now and I'm not sure where to start.  On the mundane side of things, I'm going to have to relinquish my iMac for a few days - it's gradually been developing data integrity issues and it's reached the stage where I can't cope with the unreliability anymore.  So I have a genius bar appointment for tomorrow and hopefully I can get it sorted out.  I personally thing that it is a problem with the ssd or hdd not being able to record data accurately but we will see in due course.

On the other hand, tomorrow could be an amazing day for other reasons.  An off the cuff remark could turn into something that I would really like.  A comment to H could result in spending some time together.  I know that I am only kidding myself in the long run - there couldn't possibly be any way that she thinks of me the way that I think of her?  Or so I keep telling myself.

I just can't help but think that her current bf does nothing for her, doesn't treat her the way that she deserves - I don't think that he exactly does wrong by her - but he doesn't do right either.  I just wish it were me in that situation - that I could do what I feel inside and make her feel like she was the most important person in the world.  It's not about physical gratuity, it's about emotional closeness and shared feelings.

Anyway, it's not going to happen.  I have to be realistic about this.  As much as I desperately want it and have prayed for it as much as I feel I dare, it just does not seem like I deserve it, or could dare even dream of it.  All I know is that whenever I see her, I think I feel love.  Whenever she stumbles, I feel like I want to catch her.  Like I could wrap her in my arms and protect her from the slings and arrows of the world, giving her the strength to be all that she could ever dream of being, accepting everything about her, exactly as it is - without ever wanting to change a single thing.  Is that love?  It certainly feels like it.  I thought I was in love before, and it was a little like this - but not really like this.  Before there were always conditions, fears and insecurities.  A feeling that I had to shape an censor who I was in order not to show a side that I feared would be less attractive.  I don't feel that now.  I can just be.

I don't know if that is a good or bad thing really. I mean, if I was looking at myself from a woman's point of view - ok, difficult I know - but what would I see?  and how would I perceive it?  what about me is more attractive or less attractive?  I have all these personality traits and characteristics that I intrinsically accept as being 'me'.  How would someone that I wanted to attract see each of these?  That is a difficult one to answer.  I guess that it varies from person to person.

Something that sprang to mind today - something so little in reality yet when you are tuned in to someone it can seem like a flashing beacon.  At work we were briefly mentioning childhood and the conversation passed over whether childhood days were happy or not.  (Mine obviously not but I glossed that over for the sake of other company...)  The response from H was understated that her childhood days were not happy - not unsurprising in a way, I get the feeling that, like me, she was different from others as a child, more open, emotional, caring and non-conformist - all the things I love -  yet there was something so small in the background there.  So tiny as to be imperceptible to many people - indeed my colleagues did not flinch a muscle as it passed them by.  Yet something hit me at that moment.  A near uncontrollable urge to put my arms around her and just ask "what was it?", "who hurt you?" and more to the point "I will never let anyone hurt you again".  There was just something there.  It just hit me at a level of connection that was above word or communication visible to others.

It sounds really freaky to say this, but I think I have found someone that I would give my all to protect from the evil that the world could throw at them, and underneath all of this is the knowledge that they are with someone else so it cannot be.  Even if they were not, there is the age gap, so maybe it should not be, and above all else, my feelings are clear yet they only look on me as perhaps a friend if I am lucky.  To even dream and pray for more feels like such and abuse of trust and an abuse of my relationship with the Lord.

Yet here I am praying that he will be willing to bring the two of us together - someone who I could be happy with, and someone who I could make happy.  If only it were that simple.  If it were it might just happen.  But it is not that simple, and here I am praying...

A prayer for H and her family

I'm not going to spend very long on here right now, I just want to take the time to offer up a prayer for a dear friend of mine and her family who are going through a tough time right now.  Bereavement is never an easy thing to cope with, least of all when it is a close family member.  Today was the funeral.  I know how it feels to loose a close family member all too well.  I have lost more of mine than there are left living.  It's such a devastating experience.  I can imagine a bit about how they are feeling and I wish I could carry the burden for them.

     Lord, I hold before you H and her family.
     Please provide to them the comfort and strength to deal with what is upon them
     Grant that they might find strength in each other and those around them.
     Help them find the strength of faith to come to you in their time of need.
     Please grant them safe passage through this dark time and lead them to a brighter day.
     This I ask in Jesus name.

AMEN

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" - Matthew 5:4 (NIV)

His, Thy Moll

OK, so I should probably be asleep right now.  Truth is I can't.  So much stuff running through my head, so many thoughts that I wish I didn't have.

So, I'm probably going to blow my whole plausible deniability thing right now with this - TBH, if the right person reads this, they're going to know anyway.  Chances are that they don't read this - and I'll risk it for a biscuit (as they're off biscuits for lent!).

SO anyway - I was talking to the person that I have feelings for today - and they were talking bout their partner.  The more I hear, the more I realise that they have no sense of romance - I mean, they've been together for 2 years and nothing doing.  None of those little surprises, none of those hopelessly overblown romantic gestures...  I just felt like screaming out:

"Loose this guy, I'll treat you like you deserve, I'll make everyday the best you've ever had, I'll make you feel like no one else has ever done, or ever could"

I cant't say that as much as I wanted to, I can't act on what I feel.  There's just so much frustration, I mean - the age thing is still telling me it's wrong - they're only 19 (nearly 20) but thats just a huge gap and can't be healthy.

I try to justify it to myself in my weaker moments, I mean, I'm not really mentally my really age - I'm still very young on the inside (and I look pretty reasonable for my age on the outside) and they're far more mature than their years - so at face value, and in reality - I think we click on a personal level.  But the rest is just wrong.  A few more years and they could (just about) be my daughter - and that just makes it wrong.  But why do I feel like I do?

I don't know anymore, what I want, what's right, what's Gods' will?  It all seems to blur from one space to another.

I was away for work for a couple of days this week.  I though maybe a chance to clear my head, get some perspective on things.  And sure, great - when I was busy, my mind focussed on the task at hand - and when I wasn't busy, all I could think about was her,  what was she doing, wishing I was with her - not like that, but purely in a companion kind of way.  I've never met anyone EVER that I was happy just to be around.  Even G didn't enrapture me like this.

It could be (just?) a crush, but it feels so much more - and so much less.  I can remember what it felt like when I was a teenager, it was always about a physical, short term gain - sex to be blunt.  This is so much less physical, I don't want sex, I want love.  And so much more, I don't want a crush I want romance.

Its a mess.  I wish I didn't have these feelings, but then I'm glad that I do - I love to feel something - it's so much better than being empty and void inside.  I don't know where, if anywhere, this might go.  In reality, it can't go anywhere - and yet I want it so much.

OK, done pouring my heart out with some weird, freaky rambling.  I need some serious duvet time as I have work in the morning and I need to be on top form as I have no staff to cover - that means i'll have to get out of the office and get stuck in myself - oldskool stylé.

PS - pay attention to the title!?

Lent - Day 2

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” - Matthew 11:28-30

*Puts on Northern (UK) accent*
"Its day 2 in the Big Brother (Lent) House, and James is missing his cider. The ham salad sandwiches for lunch seem to be going down ok, so the abstinence from cheese seems less of a problem. In the diary room, James has been talking to God and God has been listening. So far, God has not responded."


In all seriousness, I'd be reaching for the cider and or vodka right now if I wasn't abstaining for Lent. Valentines Day is should be one of the best of the year for a romantic like me - but it hurts so much when you are single. I absolutely rips right through you when there's someone you really want to be with but cant. It just feels so empty right now, I want to be with that person. I can't - and the fact that they are with someone else right now who I suspect is not giving them the valentines day that they deserve, is almost more that I can take.


Anyway, I think I am going to do what I do best in these situations - write a song. Putting pain and feelings into lyrics has an amazingly cathartic effect, and just occasionally I manage to come up with something half reasonable. (or at least I hope its half reasonable anyway).


I just feel totally cut up right now. I can feel a sense of self destruction coming in again. The fact that I can recognise it now means I think I am getting stronger. This feeling would have had me comfort eating and in a destructive cycle by now. I am going to eat something tonight, but I have already bought it and there is no other food available in the house so I can be sure that I cant over eat. I am not going to drink alcohol at all, the only thing I have in the house apart from vodka is wine and I will not open a bottle.


Being honest, I am hurting though.  Not a happy bunny right now.

What to do.

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.”

- Federico Garcia Lorca

This dude knows his stuff.  Right now I am seriously feeling it  I try to convince myself that I feel differently but it isn't working.  I know that the age gap would be questionable - I'd even question it myself - but the thing that makes me wonder if my feelings are real is that they are not sexually orientated.  It's difficult, im I don't feel my age physically or mentally (not that I'm that old) but it means that on a social level I have more in common with someone 10 years younger than me than I do someone of my own age.  

The thought of a physical relationship is a byproduct of an emotional one, I'd rather be cuddled up on the couch in each others arms than between the sheets, to put it bluntly.  I have not once considered a carnal act, I just want to be with them.  I want a relationship on an emotional level before anything else.  Whilst I find them physically attractive (that's an understatement - they're stunning!) the truth is I am more interested in their personality and the fact that we just 'click'.  When I first met them, I thought they were attractive, but thought little more of it.  Once I got to know them that is when feelings began to develop.  WHat really concerns me here is that it all seems to be a little bit of history repeating itself on my part.  I haven't chosen this, I didn't really want this and I am still trying to find ways of convincing myself that I don't want it still.

But here we are, many personality attributes turn out to be the same, the feelings are the same, the way I feel when they are not around is the same, scarier still, the way things are developing are the same in many respects, apart from the fact that this time they are with someone else, which might just be the saving element of all this, I can't even think about saying anything - if indeed I ever would - whilst they are with someone else.  All I know is I would gladly give up everything for a chance - and that is another ting that seems to be repeating itself.  Why do I never learn from my mistakes?  Why does the first person that I develop feelings for after the past is trully over, turn out to be so out of reach?

G absolutely broke my heart, frankly ripped it to shreds.  That is gone and done - in the past and I am healed.  N showed me that it is time to move on and that I can find someone else and have feelings again.  So why does the first person who I find, who I actually accept whole-heartedly, without comparing them to anyone else, have to be so unobtainable.

This is crazy, it cannot be.  I just wish it could.

Praying for guidance doesn't exactly help, especially when they're loaded prayers.

"Lord I want your will, but please can your will be for me to get what I want" is not exactly the right thing to be praying.

If it can;t be or isn't going to be - I just wish I didn't feel like I do.

Lent

So what do I pray for over Lent?  There is the obvious thing that I should be praying for others, known to me and further afield.  But maybe this can also be a time when I can pray for me and my spirit.  I feel like I have been preparing for something recently - the sudden drive to loose weight - and the fact that it is actually working this time too; My resurgence in Faith.  It never left me completely but being brought someone new to share it with and to show me that I can 'live in the open' and be honest about it rather than hiding it at work.  So all this preparation, and I feel good about it.  When I feel hungry now I don't feel it as hunger, it is not uncomfortable.  When someone notices my cross or wrist band i feel empowered by it.

So anyway, Lent.  I have made my choices.  One was suggested by a friend and actually, the more I think about it, the more it seems a very clever choice that will actually force me to think about what I am doing and why.  Their suggestion was 'Cheese'.  Doesn't seem much, until I think about how often I eat it and how much I like it.  Pizza is an all time favourite with me so that's out.  I have it every day in my sandwiches for work, so I'll have to rethink those too.  I love a bit of cheese and red wine - can't do that either.  So every day I will have something to remind me and for me to focus on.  It is so easy at work just to loose focus on things once in a while and maybe this will help ground me.

I'm also giving up my 2 favourite tipples - cider and vodka.  I've cut my drinking down a lot recently but these are my 2 favourites so I will give those up for Lent also.

My final sacrifice is to give up 1 hour per day of TV/Web surfing time to read the Bible and Pray.  Something that I must confess I have not done for a while.  Sure I have said a few prayers for people close to me when I have felt that they needed it, I have certainly said a few recently for things that I want.  But I haven't really stopped and just Prayed to be in the presence of the Lord and to focus on Him.

There's also an interesting web site that I have found: What To Give Up For Lent which had a daily sacrifice to follow as well. I will also be doing this.

Other than that I have decided that any bonus I earn from direct sales at work (otherwise known as 0.1% of the store takings) will be given to charity.  I haven't decided what charity yet, all I know is I want it to be local and actually do something for people.  Maybe a Christian charity that works with the homeless or something like that.  I will look and see what I can find.

So those are my Lent choices.  God willing I will be strong and complete them.

So, for Shrove Tuesday, I will be having the traditional pancakes, washed down with my last bottle of cider for 40 days.

The Rood, The Sad & The Fugly

It's been a while since I wrote on here.  I've been meaning to for a couple of days but it hasn't come to anything until now.  I don't know that much has changed really.  Some days are good, some days are not good - weight loss wise, I haven't made any progress over the last week.  Next weigh in is this Sunday.  I don't think that I will have made any further progress either.  I need to revisit my motivation and get back in control of it all.

Frankly my head is a bit of a mess overall.  There's a really difficult area thats on my mind.  I have to be careful what I say on here - after all, plausible deniability is not just something that governments practice, I do too!  All I can say is that my heart is somewhere that I don;t think it should be.  It wants something that cannot happen.  Yet I keep thinking about reasons why it might, what it would be like if this and if that...  Its probably no bad thing in itself because it is definitely a move forward and away from a toxic relationship in the past that has had a hold on me for far too long.  You think that you are over something but you aren't.  You think that you have found someone that you might be interested in, yet you find yourself comparing them to the one person that you have left behind and told yourself that you were over, only to find that you weren't really.  So that's that... It can never happen and I need to get my mind off it and move on up.

Dad is due back from his travels soon, about 3 weeks or so I think.  With the marvel that is international pay phones, I don't really feel like he's been gone.  There's been the odd occasion that I'd have probably picked up the phone to him when I've had a bad day but on the whole it doesn't feel like anything much has changed.

I guess the main thing is that I need to regroup and revisit my motivations right now.  The felling that nothing much has changed is probably symptomatic of life as a whole.  I don't really know what I;d want to change, other than my ability to loose weight.  I can dream and have unrealistic ideals. - To be fair, I think I have those anyway.  I guess what I really want, what I really feel like I am missing is a partner.  The ideal of getting married and starting a family is a long way down the road, but it would be nice to be on that road and making progress.  But its a long process...

Loosing weight = more confidence and being more attractive to members of the opposite sex = being able to be strong enough to make the first move and go for what I want.

Or so it seems.

I just need the motivation to loose weight.

Lord, I am trying, I have got further than I think I have before but I seem to be weakening again.  Please help me to find the motivation and the strength to make progress...

In Jesus Name,  Amen.

New year and all that jazz

OK, so its a new year - something that I don't normally bother with.  I mean, what is the point - it's a day like any other day, it just happens to be an occasion when they year number changes as part of the date.  Its all relative anyway, ask a Chinese person what year it is and they won't say 2013, thats for sure.  Anyway, all this jazz aside - it is the tradition to come up with new years resolutions.  Again, I don't usually bother - aside from some glib crap about drinking more and eating what I want.  But that was the 'old' me.  The me before I developed some kind of drive to try and deal with my problems, before my problems has a title - CED/BED - gotta love those acronyms...  Anyway, so I understand a bit more about what is going on with me psychologically.  There's more as well.  Seeings as this blog is pretty anonymous and I am not Identifiable by name, I can share what I feel comfortable with.  So here's another revelation.

For a long time I have struggled with gender identity.  I don't think it goes as far as gender dysphoria, but then I'm probably not qualified to make that judgement anyway.  All I know is that from a young age - 4 or 5 years old - I have not been comfortable being male.  It has just felt like the badge 'male' doesn't fit what I feel inside.  Biologically I am male, genetics can't lie - and I am ok with that, I mean, I  like women as my chosen type of partner, and whilst I would describe myself as sexually adventurous, the idea of sex with another male does nothing for me.  That said I do have a thing for she males - traps - ones that are convincing as females - but I can't say that I have ever thought about 'penetrative sex' in either direction.  I think it is the idea of gender fluidity that I fond more attractive than anything else.

So anyway, the genetics that deterring my biological make up do not seem to fit with the emotional personality.  Yes sure there are things that when you know me, they could be seen as masculine traits - an interest in cars, motorbike, the whole DJ / Producer alter ego that goes with my music.  But who is to say that they are not 'tom-boy' traits?  There are many other things that go with my personality that are generally classed as feminine by society as a whole.  I like 'chick flicks' (even the name has gender connotations), I'm not about sex, I'm about romance and love, I'm generally quite a touchy-feely kind of person, given the chance and I am definitely in touch with my emotions and my feminine side.

I am sure that, if you described what I like, how my personality is etc, to a person who did not know me, and did so without using gender constructs, they would guess that the person described is female.

I'm cool with all this.  I've had years to come to terms with it - but I think that when I was younger it became a reason why I was bullied and abused at school.  And also why eating became a problem.  It became the self harm that I have recently realised, and the person that was being harmed wasn't the false outer construct, but the real person within.  At this point, these things start to come together into one interwoven thread.  There is an outer me, the one the world knows as 'James' -  there is an inner me, male in biology, female in gender identity, that occasionally comes to the surface with people that I know and trust.  I think that I have come to terms with that over the many years and reached a situation where I am comfortable with who I am, even if I do not have the courage to go public.  I don't think I ever could whilst my father is alive.  I don't think he would be able to understand it all.

So this come back round to the eating as self harm.  I want to start this by making the following perfectly clear -

SIZE / WEIGHT IS IRRELEVANT TO ATTRACTIVENESS AND IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT USED BY THE IGNORANT WHO CANNOT BE BOTHERED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND.

There are many people with many different numerical sizes that I find attractive, the size part is irrelevant.  If you are a certain size - bigger or smaller - and that is what nature has made you, fine.  If you choose decisions that have an outcome on your size - bigger or smaller - and it is not affecting your health, fine.  No-one has the right to judge.

I am never going to be a size zero, nor would I ever want to be. [I've just realised that, without prior conscious decision, I have equated my body to female clothes sizes...?...]  But what I need to get a handle on is that I am not meant to be this size either.  Much of it is self inflicted, in an attempt to destroy that female part of me that has been the cause of so much pain from other people.  It has been a shell to keep others away from the real me, relationships could be complicated if I have to explain and rationalise these things.  So that has been the defence over the years, self destruction of the real personality and a subconscious attempt to be as unattractive as possible.

So I need to tackle this head on; 4 areas that can change my life and get me to being me, and not 'James'

1.  Eating.  As I have realised, it has become a form of self destruction and only minorly as a way of dealing with pain.  So I need to eat less - sounds easy - and maybe it is - what I need to do is take the 'pain' I inflict with over eating, and use against it a 'pain' from not eating.  I'm not talking about anything like anorexia or bulimia but to 'run with less in the tank' so I feel hungry before meals, eat a sensible amount and carry on again.  That way, when I reach the pinch points when I want to binge, the hungry feeling is never far away and I can use that, instead of the bloated feeling.

2.  Drinking.  This is nothing to do with any of the above - I simply drink too regularly.  I don't often exceed RDA, but I do drink most days.  I need to find a sugar free, alcohol free alternative to drink on weekday evenings and only have alcohol on Saturdays & Sundays.

3.  Hygiene.  I fond it very hard to have a shower or bath.  Despite part of me that loves the pampering of a candle lit bubble bath with some gentle music in the background, the truth is that at school, most of the abuse happened in the showers.  It has actually been a conditioning against it.  the emotional pain that started the cycle started there.  A bath or shower means getting undressed - I have to confront the body that I have destroyed and see the physical manifestation of my hatred.  I need to break this cycle, partly for hygiene reasons but most importantly as part of breaking the spell that is holding me back

4.  Exercise.  Never my strong point, partly because I have a low lung capacity and I have the feeling of being breathless after cardio work - but I can do some basic weights, some recreational cycling and so on.  This isn't going to be a big one, but I have to make an effort in this area.

So this is it.  this is my action plan.  God willing, I can break this affliction and become the butterfly inside this pupae.  As with all these things, there shall be one last hurrah.  Today is the last day without limits.  I shall celebrate the new year today and clear the little that is left in the fridge adnstart a new tomorrow with all temptations out of the way.

I need help

Yesterdays entry has really fucked me up frankly.  What I wanted to be a remembering of the good times and the Golden age (through rose tinted glass of course!) has actually opened up a void in my heart.  Those who I wanted to remember fondly are now an aching gap of what once was.  I know I cant go back but I can't find anything to go on and create new memories with.  this hurts so much.  Part of me wants to rejoice but part of me is hurting so badly.  I keep thinking that I am going to start crying and then somehow it goes away again.  I wish I could just cry it out and get on with it again.

Work is helping mask the feelings during the day, I can always find something to keep me occupied at this time of year, even the basic day-to-day is a lot to be getting on with at the moment.

I think I have kind of had a revelation on something as I was googling around the web this evening.  Something that I often do is simply google what is going on in my head when I am bored, and this time I think it actually came up with something useful.  A week or so back I decided, frankly from no-where that I was going to cut down on what I drink.  I wouldn't say I have a problem with alcohol but I do drink regularly.  The guide might be 3-4 units per day, but probably not 5-6 days a week!  So anyway, I cut down, and after a couple of weird moments when I would have normally reached for a beer, I have go to a point where it feels normal not to drink in an evening.  That is incidental in a way, but kind of prophetic in relation to what I found tonight.

As I was sitting here, a while back, feeling pretty crappy frankly, I began to feel like used to when I cut.  That's a long way back and was only a couple of times anyhow.  BUT, the feeling was there.  This time, the first thing into my mind was food.  To eat.  (I'll come back to this train of though in a moment).  So I simply googled "can over eating be self harm?" and suddenly the one question that I've never asked cracked open a whole realisation.  Yes it can - and is - used as a form of self harm, it has it's own specific disorders associated with it.

Coming back to the train of thought about wanting to eat to deal with the pain.  That was what happened when I was younger and back in that situation.  Then, and more recently, I analysed that as food being an escape and a way of making things feel better - but it wasn't, the fact that it made me feel guilty, emotionally pained and made me overweight MADE IT A PHYSICAL FORM OF SELF HARM.  That's a serious light going on in my head.  Whenever I have tried to tackle myself on this and tried to self-help I have always approached it from the angle of comfort eating in response to emotional trauma or distress, in seek of emotional comfort.  Now I can see that it wasn't - I was looking to punish myself, destroy myself further.  The self image that was so weak anyway was being used to punish myself even further.  The fact that I hate being overweight, despite the carefully constructed subterfuge,  meant that I was punishing myself by increasing this.  I'm not going to go into details in this entry about the start, the bullying, the abuse - yes, with hindsight and in todays climate it would be termed abuse - but it is interesting how the punishments have changed.  Back then it was chocolate bars and sweet things, bought covertly on the way home, and (with hind sight) eaten on the part of the way home that was close enough to be considered safe territory.  Over time it has evolved into savoury, fatty foods - pizza, peanuts (any nuts in fact) cheeses and, in a non-addicted way, alcohol - specifically beer and cider.

And that brings things nearly full circle - what did I decide to force myself to cut down on recently?  That's right - beer and cider.  What have I done with my natural routine at work the last couple of weeks?  My lunch break is now so late that I do not want to eat in the evening and I have deliberately run the fridge out of food so that I CANNOT eat.  So this was what?  An anticipation of the fact that I was going to end up like this, craving to eat in response to how I feel?  Hardly?!  I don't think my grasp of my own psychology is that great.

But anyway, I now discover that this problem that I describe has a medical name - Binge Eating Disorder / Compulsive Eating Disorder.  From the little that I have read so far, the symptoms and emotional conditions seem to fit with me pretty much exactly.  The fact that I seem to be using it as a form of self-harm seems to fit too.  The question is what can I do now?  I seem to have some new information that helps me understand my situation a little better, but  how can I use it to improve my situation?  One thing that I have learned already is that the NHS have no acceptance of this and no treatment plan in place.  Private web sites are talking about psychological treatment and cognitive behavioural therapy - this sounds like some serious stuff and I cant grasp that.  I really am not ready to admit that I need that kind of help.  So that leaves self help - I've tried that before, but before I think Iw as trying to teal with something that I didn't have, so will I be more successful trying this - if it is actually my problem?

When I list our what I want from life - I mean REALLY want, not frivolous consumer goods and pointless short term things, things that would make my life complete, the answer / excuse that I throw back at myself is that I can't achieve, they haven't happened because I am fat.  I do not deserve them, because I am fat.  I have such a low self image of the 'real' me that I cannot find value for these to happen.  How do I deal with that?  HOW?

I have this nice, neat little construct that goes to work, fronts up to the world on the social occasions that I cannot avoid, and is all that is generally positive in what I portray.  then there is the person inside, insecure, looking for love and acceptance, painfully shy, with a very low self worth.  The outer shell isn't fake as such, it is made up out of parts of me, but the person that I really want to have the confidence to let out is the person inside.  I'm not gay, but I feel like I am in the closet.  Some how I have to out myself as a self hating person who suffers from an eating disorder.  I need someone to really love and support me, but I hate myself too much to allow that to happen, even to believe that I could find someone who could anyway.  And even if they did, I think I am so messed up right now that it would be very easy for me to mistake kindness and end up looking for something more that isn't there.

So that's the mess.

Father, in Jesus name, please give me the strength to get out of this mess somehow.

Reflection

Well, I've fasted, and cleared my head as best as I could do.  It got pretty hard towards the end - I ended up feeling very light headed and had a headache too.  Not that I haven't fasted for a long while and I went longer than I initially planned to.  I went 48hrs in then end.  It wasn't initially intentional  but after I fell asleep at the end of day one and then woke up into day two, it seemed right ti continue.

So what did I hear? Indeed, did I hear anything?  That said, was I asking the right questions and was I asking hard enough?  The one thing that does seem to have made a bit of headway was a question that G put on her Facebook profile, about risking everything to travel to Mars one way, leaving everything else behind.  In that sort of situation I have to say that I would.  I'd leave everything in order to pursue  a means of getting away.  Suddenly this gets me thinking, this isnt really an answer to the questions that I have been asking, but it is an answer.  I hadn't really taken the time to conclude that I would actually be prepared to up ends and leave things.

Maybe a realisation then its not such  a  bad thing and that I should be ready to go with the flow on a change of direction.

I don't feel like this is the answer that I was hoping for - but who am I to decide what the right answer is?  One thing it has made me thin about is some kind of longer term fast.  Having done a bit of reading about fasting and how it was done in the time of Jesus, one theme keeps cropping up - that of fasting during daylight hours.  It seems logical, one could fast for a much longer period of time on such a method of fasting.  As we're only just past the autumn equinox, there's a fair balance between daylight and dark still.  If I was to do this, over what period of time? How?  If I was going to do this I would want to be able to go to church and pray - not necessarily in services but just to be able to go and sit quietly and meditate on the thoughts and questions that I have.

Many thoughts, and I'm out of time here as my break at work is over and i have to go back to the day job again.

16 Hours in

I began at midnight and on the whole I feel pretty good.  Its something to focus on and focus my thoughts around.  I think Ive been tested a bit this morning though, things going wrong, not in a big way but many little things.

I don't feel too hungry but I am aware of it.  Im supposed to be on lunch break right now and it does feel a little strange not eating but at the same time, the unfamiliarity of it makes me conscious of it and able to focus my thoughts around it.  Im pretty confident on making it to midnight without breaking.

Answers? , now that's another matter entirely.  Maybe I will have some kind of spontaneous realisation in one of the areas that I am focussing on.  Most probably I won't and I'll have to look and listen for any answers when they come.

I was working on some lyrics last night as well, sounding like a preacher as an MC.  I think it might work quite well if I can produce it right.

I'll check back in later on...