Quick post from work.

Ok, I'm on lunch right now- at 3:30pm. Not really feeling too great right now. Don't really know why but I'm feeling a bit low. I am ridiculously tired, I keep waking up with lower back pain in the middle of the night so I haven't managed more than a few hours sleep per night for ages. I'm also feeling a bit lonely. This is one of those moments when I just want to have a girl to cuddle up to and to be somewhere warm and safe. 

It's not that things are bad right now, on the whole things are good. It's normally when times are tough that this sort of feeling takes hold of me but this time it seems to have come from nowhere. 

It's moments like this when I almost feel like rushing my plans for finding a partner and jumping into online dating now, for the sale of not being alone.   I know that's the wrong thing to do. In not ready physically and emotionally I still keep thinking about H. - which irritates me. I could well do without feeling like that but there we go, what is inside me cannot easily be removed.  Time will mend, I an sure. God willing. 

I also need to sort out my head in respect to the sort if person I am looking for. I work with the public every day, so you can't really help 'window shopping' in the quiet periods. The people I find myself drawn to physically are all a but on the young side for what I am looking for. I am 34 yet the average age for the people that I am finds g myself attracted to is probably 23-25. Mentally that's where I think I am, age wise. But none the less, 10 years odd is a hell of a gap and people tend to judge that sort of thing. But there were 10 years between mum and dad - in the other direction mind you. 

And does it mean that I would be taking advantage if I approached someone 10 years younger than me?  I guess they can (and probably will) say no if they want to.  But I would still feel like a dirty old man for making the first move if there was that kind of age gap. If they asked, that is different because they have decided that they are ok with it.  And worse still, what if I make a love on some one and they turn out to be 18-19 or something? That wound just be wrong. 

But I do want some one younger than me. By 34 most women either have children or don't want children.  I DO want kids but I'd rather not be bringing up someone else's. I would if I had to, but it wouldn't be my first choice.  Also, by 34 a lot of women are 'pipe and slippers' or 'frumpy housewife'. I want someone who will come out on long country walks, share some of my other active interests. 

I guess it would be possible with someone my own age but more likely with someone younger. I just don't want to be single any more.