Quick post from work.

Ok, I'm on lunch right now- at 3:30pm. Not really feeling too great right now. Don't really know why but I'm feeling a bit low. I am ridiculously tired, I keep waking up with lower back pain in the middle of the night so I haven't managed more than a few hours sleep per night for ages. I'm also feeling a bit lonely. This is one of those moments when I just want to have a girl to cuddle up to and to be somewhere warm and safe. 

It's not that things are bad right now, on the whole things are good. It's normally when times are tough that this sort of feeling takes hold of me but this time it seems to have come from nowhere. 

It's moments like this when I almost feel like rushing my plans for finding a partner and jumping into online dating now, for the sale of not being alone.   I know that's the wrong thing to do. In not ready physically and emotionally I still keep thinking about H. - which irritates me. I could well do without feeling like that but there we go, what is inside me cannot easily be removed.  Time will mend, I an sure. God willing. 

I also need to sort out my head in respect to the sort if person I am looking for. I work with the public every day, so you can't really help 'window shopping' in the quiet periods. The people I find myself drawn to physically are all a but on the young side for what I am looking for. I am 34 yet the average age for the people that I am finds g myself attracted to is probably 23-25. Mentally that's where I think I am, age wise. But none the less, 10 years odd is a hell of a gap and people tend to judge that sort of thing. But there were 10 years between mum and dad - in the other direction mind you. 

And does it mean that I would be taking advantage if I approached someone 10 years younger than me?  I guess they can (and probably will) say no if they want to.  But I would still feel like a dirty old man for making the first move if there was that kind of age gap. If they asked, that is different because they have decided that they are ok with it.  And worse still, what if I make a love on some one and they turn out to be 18-19 or something? That wound just be wrong. 

But I do want some one younger than me. By 34 most women either have children or don't want children.  I DO want kids but I'd rather not be bringing up someone else's. I would if I had to, but it wouldn't be my first choice.  Also, by 34 a lot of women are 'pipe and slippers' or 'frumpy housewife'. I want someone who will come out on long country walks, share some of my other active interests. 

I guess it would be possible with someone my own age but more likely with someone younger. I just don't want to be single any more. 

The eyes have it

This should be one of the good days - but somehow it just isn't.

The person I have feelings for gave me something so special today, it proves they really get who I am (but they think of it just as a friendship).  It's not something I asked for, it's not something I wanted, but instantly it has become the most sentimentally valuable thing that I own.  Not because they gave it to me (although that sure helps) but because, without any hint or prompt, they gave me something that hits me on such a personal level that it feels like it was just meant to be.

I now feel really like shit that I feel the way that I do - yet it makes me feel that way even more.  It's so unlikely that I would ever find someone who gets me on such a level, the fact that they are out of reach means that I am now looking for a second person who meets that criteria - like that's ever going to happen.

The team at work made a bit of a fuss about my birthday - lead mostly by this person I suspect.  I didm;t really want it, and it hasn't changed my opinion of birthdays, but I have to admit it was quite nice, and I feel quite flattered that people have any kind of regard for me.

Truth is, I find it hard to cope with people placing any kind of value on me when I don't place that kind of value on myself.

I know what I really wanted for my birthday - or rather  who I wanted for my birthday.  Man it cuts me up inside, the dichotomy between what i cannot have and what need on an emotional level.  In so many ways I do not want to feel like I do for the person that I feel for - it just can't be on so many levels and in so many ways.  yet I have an inbuilt need to find someone and this one person ticks every single box without even trying.  I just don't know any more.  I know what I want, what I find attractive and what I need to make me feel as a person.

So this one person, so beautiful in every way, so perfect in the aspects that talk so directly to me.  I have always has a weakness for eyes.  there's just something about them, you can tell so much about someone,  If someone is dead inside, they show it.  If someone is not what they appear to be, the eyes will let you know.  This person has the most amazing eyes.  I could drown in them without wanting to escape.  I could gaze into them forever and never feel board.  And then theres the personality.  Sometimes you just find someone that you want to hug and never let go, someone who you would drop everything for, take a bullet for.  The kind of person that makes you want to be a better person inside.  The kind of person that makes you want to protect them, honour them and do anything you can to help them have a better life.

And to counter that, theres the who thing that, despite my feelings, they do not feel the same and it can never be.  So the chances of feeling like this about someone else are getting increasingly small.  I have to be honest and think back - I don;t think I ever felt this strongly about 'G' even - and here we are now...

Messed up and such a mess.  Despite the fact that it seems that I cannot have what I want, it doesn't stop me wanting it.

End of the line - all change please.

So I haven't updated on here for a while - it's not that things haven't been happening, quite the contrary.  Everything has been happening so fast that, frankly, finding the time to put any of it down here has been the last thing on my mind.

Ok - SitRep.  Since last entry I have been given notice that I have to leave my apartment as the owner is selling.  If these selling, I'm buying!  Pretty short notice as I only had 2 months notice to leave.  However, 2 weeks in and I have completed my mortgage application (and been accepted, pending surveyors report on the place), put in an offer for the place that has been accepted by the seller and gor the solicitors on board to do all the searches.

My stress level has been off the scale frankly but it will be worth it in the long run.  I won't be paying money each month to line someone else's pocket - I'll be paying it to own more and more of my own place.  Other than that, Ive had a dose of food poisoning and spent a few days shitting my arse out and feeling like crap - whilst still having to deal with work etc and if that wan't enough tomorrow is my 34th birthday - which frankly I couldn't give a flying fuck about.  I have never been one to make a big fuss over birthdays (probably just as well as the only person who ever bothers to send me a card is Dad)  I've never been a big one for birthdays, I hate them.  Why would I want to celebrate the fact that another biological year has passed?  My body is a year older and I don't feel it.  So my mental position and my physical being have got even further apart.

I have a feeling that a big deal of it is going to be made at work tomorrow - I'm just planning to smile, say thank you if and when needed and hope that it will all go away as quickly as possible.  Especially as the one thing that I REALY want for my birthday is absolutely not likely to happen.  I say 'one thing' - that's kind of misleading, perhaps that should be 'one person'!  I think I would probably be speechless with excitement if I were to come in to work tomorrow to find them all wrapped up for me!! - especially as they are A grade 'D' material, and I;d be totally up for that!

Any way, that isn't going to happen so I'll have to deal with whatever is going to go down.  Then get the hell out of there at the end of the day.

Truth is, it feels really depressing to be back here, no further forward at 34 than I was at 24.  Different person, still being held to ransom by my feelings and dreams that don't seem as if they are ever going to come true - and can't come true.

Its fucked up - Im fucked up, damaged goods.  ANd for that reason, even if it could happen, whilst I would be so happy with them, I do not believe that they (or anyone) could ever be happy with me.

I am a product of my childhood.  Of the bullying, the beatings, the abuse - mental, physical and sexual - and all that is left is some fuck up shell of a person who dreams of love, falls in love at a distance and cannot do anything to earn love in return.  Most days it is fine (ish) but some days, like tonight, it hurst. It hurts so badly.  I do not want to be alone any more.  I want love.  I need love, but I cannot earn love.

The one person who I thought truly loved me in a relationship sense didn't really.  The people that I fall for could never love me back and thus goes the cycle.

So I don't celebrate the years ticking by on this shell of a man, stick at twenty something in a mental age, because that's where it all came off the rails - and somehow I feel like by staying at that mental age, I can try to get it back on the rails again.  But in reality, I find myself falling for people who are at that point in their life that matches with my mental state,  meaning that I end up falling for people who are substantially younger than I am - to put it bluntly, totally legal, but highly immoral.  Yet if I fall for someone my own biological age, they are unlikely to be able to give me what I want - to pick up and go forward.

God I am so messed up...

Not a good couple of days

There's plenty that's going right at them moment but it just seems to be one of those time that, just as you think you are in control of things, something comes along to prove that you have no control at all.  As Christmas comes nearer, I am starting to feel a positive uplift fro that.  Work is definitely getting busier, the weekend was the busiest for a very long time.  Along side that events that have been out of my control at work have come back to kick me in the gentlemans' area.  One way or another the finances on Sunday came up noticeably short.  After exploration there is no obvious reason for this, otherwise known as 'the busk will stop with me'.  I'm not sure what that means in reality - I've never been here before.  I have a suspicion that it could end up coming out of my wages.

There's other stuff as well, stuff that isn't related to this.  I don't know why but I'm really confused right now.  I have thoughts and feelings that I don't really want to have - not in the literal sense, just not now and just not in the way that I do.  Its all a mess, and I feel a little bit like a moth to the flame.  Its like I am bound to repeat history and almost as if I have something to prove to myself.

There is still 'the issue' that means that it is a totally impractical thing to do.  I mean, this is the problem of all problems when it comes to this sort of thing.  It's not like I can do anything about it and it's not like it can be overlooked or worked around.  Its such a fundamental thing, I don't know how to deal with it.  Head in the sand type stuff is what draws me into the flame and seems to bind me to this course.  The reality is that, even if I manage to get to the point where it has to be dealt with, there is such an issue that I just cant comprehend acceptance.

(It's all cryptic isn't it!  I cant even admit it to myself.  I cant even bear to put it into words, yet it defines everything I do, everything I feel and the very reason that I hold myself in contempt of my own basic feelings)

The person / personality that I try to hide behind simply isn't me.  It's convenient to hide behind it and try to embrace it but the truth is 'I am what I am'.  There's nothing dramatic in that.  It's not like it's a secret really - I've probably done a bad job of hiding it in times of challenge and shown it to enough people when I have felt safe - and despite my best efforts I have always worm my heart on my sleeve.

The honest truth is that I want 2 things more than I have ever really let on, more than I think I even realise myself.  The truth it creates, when one stops to think about it, is that  I am pretty screwed up.

Messengers

Sometimes the Lord seems to choose the strangest messengers.  Sometimes the message isn't quite what you were expecting!  I went to see an old friend yesterday - I haven't seen them for nearly a year, last time was at their wedding.  Anyway, besides the realisation that I need to make an effort to see them more often, comes the the strangest of experiences.

Firstly, their wife, who I have to admit that I don't really know that well yet as I have only met her a couple of times, starts having a whole heart to heart with me about finding the right person and how I still have time to have a family etc.  That really is a strange conversation to have with someone that you don't really know but it felt like a natural conversation.  I think it's fair to say that I really wasn't expecting that kind of message.  More to the point, I am really happy with the sentiment of it.  I mean. it's what I really wanted to hear.  Somehow I just have to believe that it will happen.  The only thing that might cause a set back is the 'problem'.  I guess I have to believe that for the right person, it wont be a problem any more and that there will be a way around things.

Secondly, having spent the day around their two little ones I suddenly realise that looking after children is not as hard as I though it was going to be.  Ok, yes I know that it was only one day but both of them were feeling under the weather and playing up a bit and I felt absolutely fine dealing with it all.  In the afternoon we went out for a bit and I ended up looking after one of them for a while and dealing with what they were throwing at me.  I think that I coped pretty well.  Yes I'm sure that there is much that I have to learn and at some point in the future if I have kids they will have me pulling my hair out and ready to scream blue murder - but the first work of not being able to do it has gone.  Also, despite being a majorly big kid at heart, I've always found it difficult to know what to say to kids when they are too young to have an adult level conversation.  I think I learned a fair amount on that front too, not perfected the technique yet but I learned so much in the space of 12 hours that I honestly believe that if I need to learn 'on the job' in the future, I can do it.

So there we go, an unexpected message, a very strange choice of messenger - but thank you none the less.  Maybe when I fasted a while back, it took a little time for the answer to be given.  I really feel like  so much of what was on my mind has had an answer given.  Not all of it, there was a question over my career too, but the idea of having a family and finding someone to settle down with is far more important and frankly something that I would rather focus on, God willing.

Trés Difficile

Title says it all.  For what is going on in my head right now is a bit of a mess.  WHat I think and feel don't seem to count, in as much as they are completely unobtainable feelings and thoughts.  Best left alone - pretty much like the rest of me!  I wish I didn't have these thoughts, and I have tried to put a positive spin on them from a certain angle.  I have to be careful what I say here, this blog could be read by the people concerned - it's no secret and whilst I don't think they pass this way, you never know.  Plausible deniability is everything (just ask the US government!).

So what it  comes down to is this.  This week I have been on holiday from work.  I haven't really done much, just pottered around at home and been lazy - exactly what I needed to do to get some passion back for work.  Its a job I enjoy but when you do it every day without time off you go stale.  So this time off, I've been thinking, not deliberately mid you, but thinking anyway.  And the same though comes back into my mind again and again.  Its not a great though from the point of view that its never going to happen, but the fact that I can even think about it gives me hope that all might not be lost.  It would be so easy just to start off... "I wish..."  "I want...", the difficult thing is not doing that and realising that I am to be strong and stick with it.  Its impractical and not right, Indeed not what is intended for me I am sure.

Despite the many heavenly blessings and the feeling that this could be a gift, I am pretty sure it is little more then the Devil tempting me.  Little more than a cheap offer for my soul.  It is an offer that is appealing to think of  but it cannot and will not be.  I must be strong in the face of this temptation, true to what I believe and hope that I can find what I am thinking of in another time and place when it is from the Lord and not the Devil.

Instead of "I wish..." , "I hope..."

"Remember, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."
           - Tim Robbins, as Andy Dufrense - The Shawshank Redemption

Its all so confusing...

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