There's plenty that's going right at them moment but it just seems to be one of those time that, just as you think you are in control of things, something comes along to prove that you have no control at all. As Christmas comes nearer, I am starting to feel a positive uplift fro that. Work is definitely getting busier, the weekend was the busiest for a very long time. Along side that events that have been out of my control at work have come back to kick me in the gentlemans' area. One way or another the finances on Sunday came up noticeably short. After exploration there is no obvious reason for this, otherwise known as 'the busk will stop with me'. I'm not sure what that means in reality - I've never been here before. I have a suspicion that it could end up coming out of my wages.
There's other stuff as well, stuff that isn't related to this. I don't know why but I'm really confused right now. I have thoughts and feelings that I don't really want to have - not in the literal sense, just not now and just not in the way that I do. Its all a mess, and I feel a little bit like a moth to the flame. Its like I am bound to repeat history and almost as if I have something to prove to myself.
There is still 'the issue' that means that it is a totally impractical thing to do. I mean, this is the problem of all problems when it comes to this sort of thing. It's not like I can do anything about it and it's not like it can be overlooked or worked around. Its such a fundamental thing, I don't know how to deal with it. Head in the sand type stuff is what draws me into the flame and seems to bind me to this course. The reality is that, even if I manage to get to the point where it has to be dealt with, there is such an issue that I just cant comprehend acceptance.
(It's all cryptic isn't it! I cant even admit it to myself. I cant even bear to put it into words, yet it defines everything I do, everything I feel and the very reason that I hold myself in contempt of my own basic feelings)
The person / personality that I try to hide behind simply isn't me. It's convenient to hide behind it and try to embrace it but the truth is 'I am what I am'. There's nothing dramatic in that. It's not like it's a secret really - I've probably done a bad job of hiding it in times of challenge and shown it to enough people when I have felt safe - and despite my best efforts I have always worm my heart on my sleeve.
The honest truth is that I want 2 things more than I have ever really let on, more than I think I even realise myself. The truth it creates, when one stops to think about it, is that I am pretty screwed up.
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