The eyes have it

This should be one of the good days - but somehow it just isn't.

The person I have feelings for gave me something so special today, it proves they really get who I am (but they think of it just as a friendship).  It's not something I asked for, it's not something I wanted, but instantly it has become the most sentimentally valuable thing that I own.  Not because they gave it to me (although that sure helps) but because, without any hint or prompt, they gave me something that hits me on such a personal level that it feels like it was just meant to be.

I now feel really like shit that I feel the way that I do - yet it makes me feel that way even more.  It's so unlikely that I would ever find someone who gets me on such a level, the fact that they are out of reach means that I am now looking for a second person who meets that criteria - like that's ever going to happen.

The team at work made a bit of a fuss about my birthday - lead mostly by this person I suspect.  I didm;t really want it, and it hasn't changed my opinion of birthdays, but I have to admit it was quite nice, and I feel quite flattered that people have any kind of regard for me.

Truth is, I find it hard to cope with people placing any kind of value on me when I don't place that kind of value on myself.

I know what I really wanted for my birthday - or rather  who I wanted for my birthday.  Man it cuts me up inside, the dichotomy between what i cannot have and what need on an emotional level.  In so many ways I do not want to feel like I do for the person that I feel for - it just can't be on so many levels and in so many ways.  yet I have an inbuilt need to find someone and this one person ticks every single box without even trying.  I just don't know any more.  I know what I want, what I find attractive and what I need to make me feel as a person.

So this one person, so beautiful in every way, so perfect in the aspects that talk so directly to me.  I have always has a weakness for eyes.  there's just something about them, you can tell so much about someone,  If someone is dead inside, they show it.  If someone is not what they appear to be, the eyes will let you know.  This person has the most amazing eyes.  I could drown in them without wanting to escape.  I could gaze into them forever and never feel board.  And then theres the personality.  Sometimes you just find someone that you want to hug and never let go, someone who you would drop everything for, take a bullet for.  The kind of person that makes you want to be a better person inside.  The kind of person that makes you want to protect them, honour them and do anything you can to help them have a better life.

And to counter that, theres the who thing that, despite my feelings, they do not feel the same and it can never be.  So the chances of feeling like this about someone else are getting increasingly small.  I have to be honest and think back - I don;t think I ever felt this strongly about 'G' even - and here we are now...

Messed up and such a mess.  Despite the fact that it seems that I cannot have what I want, it doesn't stop me wanting it.