The eyes have it

This should be one of the good days - but somehow it just isn't.

The person I have feelings for gave me something so special today, it proves they really get who I am (but they think of it just as a friendship).  It's not something I asked for, it's not something I wanted, but instantly it has become the most sentimentally valuable thing that I own.  Not because they gave it to me (although that sure helps) but because, without any hint or prompt, they gave me something that hits me on such a personal level that it feels like it was just meant to be.

I now feel really like shit that I feel the way that I do - yet it makes me feel that way even more.  It's so unlikely that I would ever find someone who gets me on such a level, the fact that they are out of reach means that I am now looking for a second person who meets that criteria - like that's ever going to happen.

The team at work made a bit of a fuss about my birthday - lead mostly by this person I suspect.  I didm;t really want it, and it hasn't changed my opinion of birthdays, but I have to admit it was quite nice, and I feel quite flattered that people have any kind of regard for me.

Truth is, I find it hard to cope with people placing any kind of value on me when I don't place that kind of value on myself.

I know what I really wanted for my birthday - or rather  who I wanted for my birthday.  Man it cuts me up inside, the dichotomy between what i cannot have and what need on an emotional level.  In so many ways I do not want to feel like I do for the person that I feel for - it just can't be on so many levels and in so many ways.  yet I have an inbuilt need to find someone and this one person ticks every single box without even trying.  I just don't know any more.  I know what I want, what I find attractive and what I need to make me feel as a person.

So this one person, so beautiful in every way, so perfect in the aspects that talk so directly to me.  I have always has a weakness for eyes.  there's just something about them, you can tell so much about someone,  If someone is dead inside, they show it.  If someone is not what they appear to be, the eyes will let you know.  This person has the most amazing eyes.  I could drown in them without wanting to escape.  I could gaze into them forever and never feel board.  And then theres the personality.  Sometimes you just find someone that you want to hug and never let go, someone who you would drop everything for, take a bullet for.  The kind of person that makes you want to be a better person inside.  The kind of person that makes you want to protect them, honour them and do anything you can to help them have a better life.

And to counter that, theres the who thing that, despite my feelings, they do not feel the same and it can never be.  So the chances of feeling like this about someone else are getting increasingly small.  I have to be honest and think back - I don;t think I ever felt this strongly about 'G' even - and here we are now...

Messed up and such a mess.  Despite the fact that it seems that I cannot have what I want, it doesn't stop me wanting it.

Getting all emotional again

Sunday was an amazing day for me - I  became a Godfather for the first time, to my best friend's youngest.  To some people I guess that it isn't a big deal but to me it's really important.  One thing that I think I am realising is that I am actually now as ready as I will ever be for children of my own.  Only thing is, the person that I can't help but think about having them with.

I need to get my head straight.  To say that I am feeling broody is an understatement but its the rest of it that seems so hard.  My heart is giving me  away again.  As much as my God daughter is important to me in a way that no-one else is, I want a family of my own and the person that I have feelings for is pretty much everything that I would ever want the mother of my child to be.

But I really can't be thinking like this anymore.  No matter how much  have prayed for it - and Lord knows, I have prayed enough - it doesn't seem like it is in His plan.  And the person that I want seems to be happy with who they are with.  I would't want them to be unhappy either.  So what I am left with is the basic option that has been in front of me all this time.  Get myself fit and in good shape so that I have confidence and deserve what I am asking for, and then look for someone that might actually be available.

So I guess that, really, not much has changed, other than I am now really broody to add to the confusion in my head.

What I need to do is take some of this confusion and turn it against myself.  I feel like crying right now - and I don't really know what for, or what about.  It just seems like a well of emotions that need to be let out some how.   I need to take that and turn it towards myself.  I can see the signs of what in the past could trigger a binge eating session, a sort of urge to self harm though food.  I need / want to take that urge and turn it back on myself in the sense that the power of that urge is put into not eating and the self destructive notion becomes exercise at the gym.

All I really want right now is someone to cuddle up to and have them tell me that they care about me.  I guess I am just feeling a little bit vulnerable and a bit lonely right now.

SNAFU

Its starting to get to the time of year when Lent is nearly over and Easter Sunday is nearly upon us.  Over the time of lent so far, I have to admit that my faith has been on a bit of a roller coaster ride as to how much time I have taken to nurture it.

Ive got to be honest - my feelings are still in a mess at the moment, and I ended up pouring my heart out at work today to the person that I have all these feeling for.  That really doesn't help matters much.  I don't know if I ended up giving the game away - I din't mean to but then I was just drawn like a moth to the flame.  How close can I hint without actually stating it - and will the hints be picked up?  I don't mean it as a game - I don't mean any harm with it but its like I am drawn in.  Despite I fear that I know what the outcome will be, I just can't help myself.  A million to one chance is better than no chance - and yet i am risking a good friendship that may grow even stronger over time.

I hate myself, I hate this situation, I hate how I am handling it.  Most of all I hate the fact that I cannot have what I want, be the one to give her everything that she needs.  Get rid of what passes as a partner at the moment and get a real man, one who is caring and sensitive as well as strong and supportive.

I just feel like I want to cry.  Weak and pathetic I know but there we are.  I have found someone who I have feelings for based on who they are and their personality - I also happen to think they are physically about as perfect as it is possible to get and they are out of my reach for so many reasons.

This.  Sucks.

His, Thy Moll

OK, so I should probably be asleep right now.  Truth is I can't.  So much stuff running through my head, so many thoughts that I wish I didn't have.

So, I'm probably going to blow my whole plausible deniability thing right now with this - TBH, if the right person reads this, they're going to know anyway.  Chances are that they don't read this - and I'll risk it for a biscuit (as they're off biscuits for lent!).

SO anyway - I was talking to the person that I have feelings for today - and they were talking bout their partner.  The more I hear, the more I realise that they have no sense of romance - I mean, they've been together for 2 years and nothing doing.  None of those little surprises, none of those hopelessly overblown romantic gestures...  I just felt like screaming out:

"Loose this guy, I'll treat you like you deserve, I'll make everyday the best you've ever had, I'll make you feel like no one else has ever done, or ever could"

I cant't say that as much as I wanted to, I can't act on what I feel.  There's just so much frustration, I mean - the age thing is still telling me it's wrong - they're only 19 (nearly 20) but thats just a huge gap and can't be healthy.

I try to justify it to myself in my weaker moments, I mean, I'm not really mentally my really age - I'm still very young on the inside (and I look pretty reasonable for my age on the outside) and they're far more mature than their years - so at face value, and in reality - I think we click on a personal level.  But the rest is just wrong.  A few more years and they could (just about) be my daughter - and that just makes it wrong.  But why do I feel like I do?

I don't know anymore, what I want, what's right, what's Gods' will?  It all seems to blur from one space to another.

I was away for work for a couple of days this week.  I though maybe a chance to clear my head, get some perspective on things.  And sure, great - when I was busy, my mind focussed on the task at hand - and when I wasn't busy, all I could think about was her,  what was she doing, wishing I was with her - not like that, but purely in a companion kind of way.  I've never met anyone EVER that I was happy just to be around.  Even G didn't enrapture me like this.

It could be (just?) a crush, but it feels so much more - and so much less.  I can remember what it felt like when I was a teenager, it was always about a physical, short term gain - sex to be blunt.  This is so much less physical, I don't want sex, I want love.  And so much more, I don't want a crush I want romance.

Its a mess.  I wish I didn't have these feelings, but then I'm glad that I do - I love to feel something - it's so much better than being empty and void inside.  I don't know where, if anywhere, this might go.  In reality, it can't go anywhere - and yet I want it so much.

OK, done pouring my heart out with some weird, freaky rambling.  I need some serious duvet time as I have work in the morning and I need to be on top form as I have no staff to cover - that means i'll have to get out of the office and get stuck in myself - oldskool stylé.

PS - pay attention to the title!?

What to do.

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.”

- Federico Garcia Lorca

This dude knows his stuff.  Right now I am seriously feeling it  I try to convince myself that I feel differently but it isn't working.  I know that the age gap would be questionable - I'd even question it myself - but the thing that makes me wonder if my feelings are real is that they are not sexually orientated.  It's difficult, im I don't feel my age physically or mentally (not that I'm that old) but it means that on a social level I have more in common with someone 10 years younger than me than I do someone of my own age.  

The thought of a physical relationship is a byproduct of an emotional one, I'd rather be cuddled up on the couch in each others arms than between the sheets, to put it bluntly.  I have not once considered a carnal act, I just want to be with them.  I want a relationship on an emotional level before anything else.  Whilst I find them physically attractive (that's an understatement - they're stunning!) the truth is I am more interested in their personality and the fact that we just 'click'.  When I first met them, I thought they were attractive, but thought little more of it.  Once I got to know them that is when feelings began to develop.  WHat really concerns me here is that it all seems to be a little bit of history repeating itself on my part.  I haven't chosen this, I didn't really want this and I am still trying to find ways of convincing myself that I don't want it still.

But here we are, many personality attributes turn out to be the same, the feelings are the same, the way I feel when they are not around is the same, scarier still, the way things are developing are the same in many respects, apart from the fact that this time they are with someone else, which might just be the saving element of all this, I can't even think about saying anything - if indeed I ever would - whilst they are with someone else.  All I know is I would gladly give up everything for a chance - and that is another ting that seems to be repeating itself.  Why do I never learn from my mistakes?  Why does the first person that I develop feelings for after the past is trully over, turn out to be so out of reach?

G absolutely broke my heart, frankly ripped it to shreds.  That is gone and done - in the past and I am healed.  N showed me that it is time to move on and that I can find someone else and have feelings again.  So why does the first person who I find, who I actually accept whole-heartedly, without comparing them to anyone else, have to be so unobtainable.

This is crazy, it cannot be.  I just wish it could.

Praying for guidance doesn't exactly help, especially when they're loaded prayers.

"Lord I want your will, but please can your will be for me to get what I want" is not exactly the right thing to be praying.

If it can;t be or isn't going to be - I just wish I didn't feel like I do.

Questions on my mind

I have many questions on my mind and not too many answers right now.  Maybe it will help if I put them all somewhere (like on here...)

Why aren't I getting any support from head office at work?
What do I have to do to get noticed for a promotion?
Why do I feel like I have just been sidelined as a "safe pair of hands" for my current role.
Will I ever find someone to accept me with all my problems and settle down with me?
Will I ever start a family?
Is it wrong to want love more than anything that I already have?
Why is the whole family thing suddenly back on my mind when I thought I had put it away for now?
Why can't I get a certain someone out of my head when I know that it's not a good thing to be thinking about?
What does God make out of all these questions that I have?
Am I being ungrateful for wanting more?
Does having dreams and ambitions make you ungrateful for what you already have?
Is this really what He wants me to be doing with my life?
Why can't I loose weight?
Am I really over the past and what happened back then?
If I am not over it (and I don't feel like I fully am) then what do I have to do to move on?
Why cant I find the strength to be the person I want to be, the person that I can feel trapped inside and can't quite set free?
What would Mum think about all this, what would she say to me if she was alive now?
Why couldn't I have been less of a little shit and actually opened up about everything that was happening instead of bottling it up and taking it out on everyone?
HOw much of what I'm feeling right now is about either regretting the past or living in the past instead of looking to the future?
Why can't I break the cycle of living on past upsets and past glories?

Frankly I don't know the answer to a lot of these, some I do know answers to but it doesn't seem t o get me any further.  I don't know what to make of any of it any more.  I think sometimes all I really need is for someone to give me a cuddle and tell me that it's all going to be alright.