Getting all emotional again

Sunday was an amazing day for me - I  became a Godfather for the first time, to my best friend's youngest.  To some people I guess that it isn't a big deal but to me it's really important.  One thing that I think I am realising is that I am actually now as ready as I will ever be for children of my own.  Only thing is, the person that I can't help but think about having them with.

I need to get my head straight.  To say that I am feeling broody is an understatement but its the rest of it that seems so hard.  My heart is giving me  away again.  As much as my God daughter is important to me in a way that no-one else is, I want a family of my own and the person that I have feelings for is pretty much everything that I would ever want the mother of my child to be.

But I really can't be thinking like this anymore.  No matter how much  have prayed for it - and Lord knows, I have prayed enough - it doesn't seem like it is in His plan.  And the person that I want seems to be happy with who they are with.  I would't want them to be unhappy either.  So what I am left with is the basic option that has been in front of me all this time.  Get myself fit and in good shape so that I have confidence and deserve what I am asking for, and then look for someone that might actually be available.

So I guess that, really, not much has changed, other than I am now really broody to add to the confusion in my head.

What I need to do is take some of this confusion and turn it against myself.  I feel like crying right now - and I don't really know what for, or what about.  It just seems like a well of emotions that need to be let out some how.   I need to take that and turn it towards myself.  I can see the signs of what in the past could trigger a binge eating session, a sort of urge to self harm though food.  I need / want to take that urge and turn it back on myself in the sense that the power of that urge is put into not eating and the self destructive notion becomes exercise at the gym.

All I really want right now is someone to cuddle up to and have them tell me that they care about me.  I guess I am just feeling a little bit vulnerable and a bit lonely right now.