Feeling a little empty

I have to say that I am feeling a little empty right now.  There's a sense of lethargy that I haven't felt for a while.  I only managed 45 minutes down the gym tonight for the sake of feeling tired and lethargic.  And now Im home, putting down these words when I really ought to be doing some paperwork for work.  What I really want is to leave all this behind and just get to an emotionally even keel.

I feeling pretty fed up with waiting at the moment - patience has never been one of my strong points, especially with things that seem to really plod.  I just want to fast forward through time, I guess about 6 months or so would do it.  Past the point where I have to cope with a certain someone going out of my life, to the point in time when I have lost enough weight not to be classed as 'fat' any more.  I have been slowly chugging away at the weight loss thing and can now proudly say that I have managed to loose 2 stone since Boxing Day.  Most weeks I am still managing the two pounds but it just feels so slow.  I cant really see / feel that much of a change most of the time.  Occasionally something comes along that makes me realise that I have lost weight and can now do something that I could not before, or I can fit into clothes that haven't fitted me for a while.  If I can keep this up then I should be at or near my target weight in another 6 months, and the maybe I will be confident enough to actually meet someone and do something about what I really want out of life - a wife and family.

At the moment though I am still fat.  Despite the progress, and the positivity that I try to gain from that, I just want to get rid of it all now.  I don't have a problem with people being whatever size they are - as long as they are happy.

I used to pretend I was happy with my size until I was enlightened and came to see that I was self harming and binge eating.  Now I am most definitely not happy with my size - it is a constant reminder of the abuse that sparked the cycle of harm and the years that I proliferated it.  I hate what I see around the person that is inside.  I don't hate myself, I hate the layer of fat that stops the person inside me from being free.

I don't want to be ungrateful, there are many people who are really struggling to loose weight and so far it hasn't been as hard a challenge as perhaps it might be (and may yet become).  I don't want to play down what I have achieved.

The only way I can describe it is that it is like Christmas, when you know what you will get because you asked for it long in advance.  You build up to that big moment when you get what you want but you just want time to rush by quicker.  It doesn't mean that you don't appreciate the anticipation, you just wish time would go by quicker to get to the end reward.

One day I WILL be a normal weight, one day I WILL accept that I deserve to be loved as a person, one day I WILL have the confidence in my own appearance and my own worthiness to do something about finding a long term relationship.

God Willing.