The rambled rantings of a madman

Ok, so my reality cheque just bounced....

Seriously though,  the one I have feelings for is away on holiday for then next week.  They've only been gone a day - heck- I even saw them briefly this morning, and I feel  a sense of loss.  I;m sure that this early on, most of it is psychosomatic and has very little foundation in reality.  But the truth is this.  Regardless of how I feel about them, they brighten my day like no other.  They put a smile on my face at times when I have no right to be happy.  They make me want to be a better person, they make me want to love them.

So its only a week - that's what I;m telling myself.  On the assumption that nothing happens - and to be fair, why would it? - how am I going to cope when they go off to uni?  I guess the answer is that it will cut me up for a fair while, but I will find a way of numbing it.

I think I have pretty much reached a stage of reckoning that I would rather keep them as a friend than loose them altogether - so when they go to uni, I would want to keep in touch.  But all of this is so one sided.  Look back as far as you like on here and it is all "I want", "I pray" this, that and the other.  Although it is forever on my mind, not once have I stopped on here to really vocalise a care about what they want, how they are feeling.

And beside all this there is 14 years...  OMFG, 14 YEARS!  that is just SO wrong when you put it like that.  But numbers are one thing and personal connection is another.  but still - that makes me feel so dirty for even allowing my mind to go there.  I mean, 3 years nab,  3 years and someone that I have feelings for as a person would be under age.  Shit, I'm no sicko.  I cant cope with it like that.  I just take the person at face value and there we have it.  But is that the same kind of twisted rationale that makes these 'people' think the way that they do?

Oh, mon Jesu, this makes no sense.
thoughts, feelings, emotions
I've almost forgotten what a clear head is.
First the hurt of the past,
Now the feelings I have in the present
Dare I ask about the future?!
I know what I want, but I question if it is right.
I know how I feel, but  do I have a right to feel like that?
you can see my inner most thoughts and feelings
I canot hide from you
Please make this right, either cleanse me of these thoughts
or bring this feeling to fruition.

In Jesus name