What to do.

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.”

- Federico Garcia Lorca

This dude knows his stuff.  Right now I am seriously feeling it  I try to convince myself that I feel differently but it isn't working.  I know that the age gap would be questionable - I'd even question it myself - but the thing that makes me wonder if my feelings are real is that they are not sexually orientated.  It's difficult, im I don't feel my age physically or mentally (not that I'm that old) but it means that on a social level I have more in common with someone 10 years younger than me than I do someone of my own age.  

The thought of a physical relationship is a byproduct of an emotional one, I'd rather be cuddled up on the couch in each others arms than between the sheets, to put it bluntly.  I have not once considered a carnal act, I just want to be with them.  I want a relationship on an emotional level before anything else.  Whilst I find them physically attractive (that's an understatement - they're stunning!) the truth is I am more interested in their personality and the fact that we just 'click'.  When I first met them, I thought they were attractive, but thought little more of it.  Once I got to know them that is when feelings began to develop.  WHat really concerns me here is that it all seems to be a little bit of history repeating itself on my part.  I haven't chosen this, I didn't really want this and I am still trying to find ways of convincing myself that I don't want it still.

But here we are, many personality attributes turn out to be the same, the feelings are the same, the way I feel when they are not around is the same, scarier still, the way things are developing are the same in many respects, apart from the fact that this time they are with someone else, which might just be the saving element of all this, I can't even think about saying anything - if indeed I ever would - whilst they are with someone else.  All I know is I would gladly give up everything for a chance - and that is another ting that seems to be repeating itself.  Why do I never learn from my mistakes?  Why does the first person that I develop feelings for after the past is trully over, turn out to be so out of reach?

G absolutely broke my heart, frankly ripped it to shreds.  That is gone and done - in the past and I am healed.  N showed me that it is time to move on and that I can find someone else and have feelings again.  So why does the first person who I find, who I actually accept whole-heartedly, without comparing them to anyone else, have to be so unobtainable.

This is crazy, it cannot be.  I just wish it could.

Praying for guidance doesn't exactly help, especially when they're loaded prayers.

"Lord I want your will, but please can your will be for me to get what I want" is not exactly the right thing to be praying.

If it can;t be or isn't going to be - I just wish I didn't feel like I do.