His, Thy Moll

OK, so I should probably be asleep right now.  Truth is I can't.  So much stuff running through my head, so many thoughts that I wish I didn't have.

So, I'm probably going to blow my whole plausible deniability thing right now with this - TBH, if the right person reads this, they're going to know anyway.  Chances are that they don't read this - and I'll risk it for a biscuit (as they're off biscuits for lent!).

SO anyway - I was talking to the person that I have feelings for today - and they were talking bout their partner.  The more I hear, the more I realise that they have no sense of romance - I mean, they've been together for 2 years and nothing doing.  None of those little surprises, none of those hopelessly overblown romantic gestures...  I just felt like screaming out:

"Loose this guy, I'll treat you like you deserve, I'll make everyday the best you've ever had, I'll make you feel like no one else has ever done, or ever could"

I cant't say that as much as I wanted to, I can't act on what I feel.  There's just so much frustration, I mean - the age thing is still telling me it's wrong - they're only 19 (nearly 20) but thats just a huge gap and can't be healthy.

I try to justify it to myself in my weaker moments, I mean, I'm not really mentally my really age - I'm still very young on the inside (and I look pretty reasonable for my age on the outside) and they're far more mature than their years - so at face value, and in reality - I think we click on a personal level.  But the rest is just wrong.  A few more years and they could (just about) be my daughter - and that just makes it wrong.  But why do I feel like I do?

I don't know anymore, what I want, what's right, what's Gods' will?  It all seems to blur from one space to another.

I was away for work for a couple of days this week.  I though maybe a chance to clear my head, get some perspective on things.  And sure, great - when I was busy, my mind focussed on the task at hand - and when I wasn't busy, all I could think about was her,  what was she doing, wishing I was with her - not like that, but purely in a companion kind of way.  I've never met anyone EVER that I was happy just to be around.  Even G didn't enrapture me like this.

It could be (just?) a crush, but it feels so much more - and so much less.  I can remember what it felt like when I was a teenager, it was always about a physical, short term gain - sex to be blunt.  This is so much less physical, I don't want sex, I want love.  And so much more, I don't want a crush I want romance.

Its a mess.  I wish I didn't have these feelings, but then I'm glad that I do - I love to feel something - it's so much better than being empty and void inside.  I don't know where, if anywhere, this might go.  In reality, it can't go anywhere - and yet I want it so much.

OK, done pouring my heart out with some weird, freaky rambling.  I need some serious duvet time as I have work in the morning and I need to be on top form as I have no staff to cover - that means i'll have to get out of the office and get stuck in myself - oldskool stylé.

PS - pay attention to the title!?