God Willing...

Ok,  there's a bit going on right now and I'm not sure where to start.  On the mundane side of things, I'm going to have to relinquish my iMac for a few days - it's gradually been developing data integrity issues and it's reached the stage where I can't cope with the unreliability anymore.  So I have a genius bar appointment for tomorrow and hopefully I can get it sorted out.  I personally thing that it is a problem with the ssd or hdd not being able to record data accurately but we will see in due course.

On the other hand, tomorrow could be an amazing day for other reasons.  An off the cuff remark could turn into something that I would really like.  A comment to H could result in spending some time together.  I know that I am only kidding myself in the long run - there couldn't possibly be any way that she thinks of me the way that I think of her?  Or so I keep telling myself.

I just can't help but think that her current bf does nothing for her, doesn't treat her the way that she deserves - I don't think that he exactly does wrong by her - but he doesn't do right either.  I just wish it were me in that situation - that I could do what I feel inside and make her feel like she was the most important person in the world.  It's not about physical gratuity, it's about emotional closeness and shared feelings.

Anyway, it's not going to happen.  I have to be realistic about this.  As much as I desperately want it and have prayed for it as much as I feel I dare, it just does not seem like I deserve it, or could dare even dream of it.  All I know is that whenever I see her, I think I feel love.  Whenever she stumbles, I feel like I want to catch her.  Like I could wrap her in my arms and protect her from the slings and arrows of the world, giving her the strength to be all that she could ever dream of being, accepting everything about her, exactly as it is - without ever wanting to change a single thing.  Is that love?  It certainly feels like it.  I thought I was in love before, and it was a little like this - but not really like this.  Before there were always conditions, fears and insecurities.  A feeling that I had to shape an censor who I was in order not to show a side that I feared would be less attractive.  I don't feel that now.  I can just be.

I don't know if that is a good or bad thing really. I mean, if I was looking at myself from a woman's point of view - ok, difficult I know - but what would I see?  and how would I perceive it?  what about me is more attractive or less attractive?  I have all these personality traits and characteristics that I intrinsically accept as being 'me'.  How would someone that I wanted to attract see each of these?  That is a difficult one to answer.  I guess that it varies from person to person.

Something that sprang to mind today - something so little in reality yet when you are tuned in to someone it can seem like a flashing beacon.  At work we were briefly mentioning childhood and the conversation passed over whether childhood days were happy or not.  (Mine obviously not but I glossed that over for the sake of other company...)  The response from H was understated that her childhood days were not happy - not unsurprising in a way, I get the feeling that, like me, she was different from others as a child, more open, emotional, caring and non-conformist - all the things I love -  yet there was something so small in the background there.  So tiny as to be imperceptible to many people - indeed my colleagues did not flinch a muscle as it passed them by.  Yet something hit me at that moment.  A near uncontrollable urge to put my arms around her and just ask "what was it?", "who hurt you?" and more to the point "I will never let anyone hurt you again".  There was just something there.  It just hit me at a level of connection that was above word or communication visible to others.

It sounds really freaky to say this, but I think I have found someone that I would give my all to protect from the evil that the world could throw at them, and underneath all of this is the knowledge that they are with someone else so it cannot be.  Even if they were not, there is the age gap, so maybe it should not be, and above all else, my feelings are clear yet they only look on me as perhaps a friend if I am lucky.  To even dream and pray for more feels like such and abuse of trust and an abuse of my relationship with the Lord.

Yet here I am praying that he will be willing to bring the two of us together - someone who I could be happy with, and someone who I could make happy.  If only it were that simple.  If it were it might just happen.  But it is not that simple, and here I am praying...