Trés Difficile

Title says it all.  For what is going on in my head right now is a bit of a mess.  WHat I think and feel don't seem to count, in as much as they are completely unobtainable feelings and thoughts.  Best left alone - pretty much like the rest of me!  I wish I didn't have these thoughts, and I have tried to put a positive spin on them from a certain angle.  I have to be careful what I say here, this blog could be read by the people concerned - it's no secret and whilst I don't think they pass this way, you never know.  Plausible deniability is everything (just ask the US government!).

So what it  comes down to is this.  This week I have been on holiday from work.  I haven't really done much, just pottered around at home and been lazy - exactly what I needed to do to get some passion back for work.  Its a job I enjoy but when you do it every day without time off you go stale.  So this time off, I've been thinking, not deliberately mid you, but thinking anyway.  And the same though comes back into my mind again and again.  Its not a great though from the point of view that its never going to happen, but the fact that I can even think about it gives me hope that all might not be lost.  It would be so easy just to start off... "I wish..."  "I want...", the difficult thing is not doing that and realising that I am to be strong and stick with it.  Its impractical and not right, Indeed not what is intended for me I am sure.

Despite the many heavenly blessings and the feeling that this could be a gift, I am pretty sure it is little more then the Devil tempting me.  Little more than a cheap offer for my soul.  It is an offer that is appealing to think of  but it cannot and will not be.  I must be strong in the face of this temptation, true to what I believe and hope that I can find what I am thinking of in another time and place when it is from the Lord and not the Devil.

Instead of "I wish..." , "I hope..."

"Remember, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."
           - Tim Robbins, as Andy Dufrense - The Shawshank Redemption

Silence is not always golden

I've had a bit of a sabbatical from blogging for a couple of weeks. Not really intentionally, although I have been working every day for the last three weeks. Today is my first day off fro three weeks. And as soon as it's over, I;m going back in for another three week stint. The only thing that keeps me interested is that I need the money to move house.

I thin the real thing keeping me off here though, has been the lack of feeling like I have something to say. I guess I can now say that everything has worked into a pattern and a way forward. I won't say that it's all worked out for the best because I'm not so sure that it has. There's still a load of grief to deal with, the place I'm moving to is not really somewhere I want to live but I guess that I'm just going to have to deal with it. Work is still stressing me out a bit - I'm coming up to my 6 month probation and at this point they have the right to decide that they do not want me any more.

I think that the best thing is just not to make a big deal about it and see if I can let the date slip past without anything happening and then there's a different set of rules that they have to play by.

I'm still feeling a little bit fed up at the moment if I'm being honest. Things aren't as heavy going as they were, the balls that I need to juggle have changed a little and it seems like everything at the moment is hinged around waiting. Waiting for the references to come back to the lettings agent, waiting for them to get the tenancy agreement drawn up, waiting to get a date when I can get the keys and move in. There's still a chance that this place could fall through and if it does then I have no backup plan and nowhere to go when my tenancy ends.