It's been a while since I wrote on here. I've been meaning to for a couple of days but it hasn't come to anything until now. I don't know that much has changed really. Some days are good, some days are not good - weight loss wise, I haven't made any progress over the last week. Next weigh in is this Sunday. I don't think that I will have made any further progress either. I need to revisit my motivation and get back in control of it all.
Frankly my head is a bit of a mess overall. There's a really difficult area thats on my mind. I have to be careful what I say on here - after all, plausible deniability is not just something that governments practice, I do too! All I can say is that my heart is somewhere that I don;t think it should be. It wants something that cannot happen. Yet I keep thinking about reasons why it might, what it would be like if this and if that... Its probably no bad thing in itself because it is definitely a move forward and away from a toxic relationship in the past that has had a hold on me for far too long. You think that you are over something but you aren't. You think that you have found someone that you might be interested in, yet you find yourself comparing them to the one person that you have left behind and told yourself that you were over, only to find that you weren't really. So that's that... It can never happen and I need to get my mind off it and move on up.
Dad is due back from his travels soon, about 3 weeks or so I think. With the marvel that is international pay phones, I don't really feel like he's been gone. There's been the odd occasion that I'd have probably picked up the phone to him when I've had a bad day but on the whole it doesn't feel like anything much has changed.
I guess the main thing is that I need to regroup and revisit my motivations right now. The felling that nothing much has changed is probably symptomatic of life as a whole. I don't really know what I;d want to change, other than my ability to loose weight. I can dream and have unrealistic ideals. - To be fair, I think I have those anyway. I guess what I really want, what I really feel like I am missing is a partner. The ideal of getting married and starting a family is a long way down the road, but it would be nice to be on that road and making progress. But its a long process...
Loosing weight = more confidence and being more attractive to members of the opposite sex = being able to be strong enough to make the first move and go for what I want.
Or so it seems.
I just need the motivation to loose weight.
Lord, I am trying, I have got further than I think I have before but I seem to be weakening again. Please help me to find the motivation and the strength to make progress...
In Jesus Name, Amen.
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