Right before my eyes

Ok, I was working today when a certain someone came in.  I mentioned in my last post that they've had a make over and are looking good - well they came in today and yup, they look fantastic!  So there they were, right before me - looking oh so good.  But they've just come out of a long term relationship and therefore I couldn't say anything even if I had the balls to.

So there we go - I realised I had an inters when they were working with me but couldn't because they were with someone and we worked together.  Both of those obstacles are out of the way now but I don't know how they feel about me, and frankly i don't think that I have the confidence to actually say anything anyway.  The more i look at myself in the mirror, the more I realise that I have a long way to  go before I feel that I can have confidence on my appearance.  I still have a lot of stomach fat to loose.  I may have lost 5 stone and reached 13 stone in weight but that extra stone and a half to two stone is really noticeable to me.  I need to get rid of it weigh a vengeance.

Maybe this is the prod I need to make me go the extra mile.  I know who I want a chance to be with now.  I don't really want to get into online dating at the moment, I want a chance to see if there is something here that might happen.  So that means two things.

Firstly I need to double down and really push to get rid of the extra weight.  I don't know how much less I can eat in a day and how much more exercise I can pack into a week but I think I need to push harder and see what i can do.  I have been pretty weak and lax recently.  I need to push on and toughen up on myself.  I am sure that I can drop a naughty night each week and stop at one.  I am also sure that I can regain the motivation not to eat in the evening.  Recently I have been having a little snack when I have got back from the gym and whilst i have been under my RDA for calories still it has reduced the speed at which I have lost weight.  I want and need to feel confident in my appearance, and be desirable to her.  I need to look good.  I have to force myself on, motivate myself to go even further and even harder - as the saying goes... "Go hard or go home!"

Secondly, I need to reevaluate and reprogram my thoughts and expectations in terms of relationships. I seem to be so quick to jump at things right now, almost overkill.  no one is going to want to be with someone who is rushing at the speed that I seem to gallop ahead at.  I need to reign myself in and learn to move at a sensible speed instead of assuming that whatever stage of feelings that I am at, other people are automatically going to mirror them.

I need to go back to basics - deconstruct the person that I am and reconstruct the person that they can fall for.

It's all a bit of a mess but at the same time I feel motivated to really push for what I want.

Lord, what is in front of me shows me what I want.
Is this meant to be?
I know it has re-motivated me and that can only be positive
Please give me the strength though your grace to actually stick with this new motivation.
In a way I don't mind if this isn't meant to be, if it is your will.
But please bring someone into my life.
It's really time now.  I don't want to be on my own anymore.

IJN, Amen

Stagnation?

So I had a day off today, I worked late last night on a new song.  The music is nearly done - I'll finish it tonight, then its just the lyrics.  Ive got bits and pieces so far but it should come once I'm focussing on it.  The style is really not my usual, a sort of jazz ballad, piano focussed and getting back more to my piano playing.  I am writing it for the person that I have feelings for but I don't think I will ever get to give it to them.  I think I may even try to sing the vocals myself, the we'll really see how good the auto pitch in Logic really is!  For my many skills, singing is not one of them...

Other than that my day off has been a mixed bag.  I went to the gym for the first time in years.  I joined the other day and now I have to do something with it.  If it helps to net a certain someone then that is a bonus, but in the main this one is for me.

I have to be the man I want to be before I can be the man that a partner will need me to be. (Thats some profound thought right there...)

Other than that, Dad is back in the UK tonight after 4 months travelling South America, so I am thankful for his safe return.  It seems that nothing has really changed, certainly nothing that I can put my finger on.  Ok sure, I have been pushing the weight loss a bit ( I wonder if he will notice - and if he does, will he say anything?) and my heart hands on a silken thread, but nothing has really changed that much.

That lack of progress feels like a set back, I mean, after 4 months I;d like to be able to say that something - anything - has moved forward.  I don't know.  Maybe things have changed and I just don't see them.

The Rood, The Sad & The Fugly

It's been a while since I wrote on here.  I've been meaning to for a couple of days but it hasn't come to anything until now.  I don't know that much has changed really.  Some days are good, some days are not good - weight loss wise, I haven't made any progress over the last week.  Next weigh in is this Sunday.  I don't think that I will have made any further progress either.  I need to revisit my motivation and get back in control of it all.

Frankly my head is a bit of a mess overall.  There's a really difficult area thats on my mind.  I have to be careful what I say on here - after all, plausible deniability is not just something that governments practice, I do too!  All I can say is that my heart is somewhere that I don;t think it should be.  It wants something that cannot happen.  Yet I keep thinking about reasons why it might, what it would be like if this and if that...  Its probably no bad thing in itself because it is definitely a move forward and away from a toxic relationship in the past that has had a hold on me for far too long.  You think that you are over something but you aren't.  You think that you have found someone that you might be interested in, yet you find yourself comparing them to the one person that you have left behind and told yourself that you were over, only to find that you weren't really.  So that's that... It can never happen and I need to get my mind off it and move on up.

Dad is due back from his travels soon, about 3 weeks or so I think.  With the marvel that is international pay phones, I don't really feel like he's been gone.  There's been the odd occasion that I'd have probably picked up the phone to him when I've had a bad day but on the whole it doesn't feel like anything much has changed.

I guess the main thing is that I need to regroup and revisit my motivations right now.  The felling that nothing much has changed is probably symptomatic of life as a whole.  I don't really know what I;d want to change, other than my ability to loose weight.  I can dream and have unrealistic ideals. - To be fair, I think I have those anyway.  I guess what I really want, what I really feel like I am missing is a partner.  The ideal of getting married and starting a family is a long way down the road, but it would be nice to be on that road and making progress.  But its a long process...

Loosing weight = more confidence and being more attractive to members of the opposite sex = being able to be strong enough to make the first move and go for what I want.

Or so it seems.

I just need the motivation to loose weight.

Lord, I am trying, I have got further than I think I have before but I seem to be weakening again.  Please help me to find the motivation and the strength to make progress...

In Jesus Name,  Amen.