New year and all that jazz

OK, so its a new year - something that I don't normally bother with.  I mean, what is the point - it's a day like any other day, it just happens to be an occasion when they year number changes as part of the date.  Its all relative anyway, ask a Chinese person what year it is and they won't say 2013, thats for sure.  Anyway, all this jazz aside - it is the tradition to come up with new years resolutions.  Again, I don't usually bother - aside from some glib crap about drinking more and eating what I want.  But that was the 'old' me.  The me before I developed some kind of drive to try and deal with my problems, before my problems has a title - CED/BED - gotta love those acronyms...  Anyway, so I understand a bit more about what is going on with me psychologically.  There's more as well.  Seeings as this blog is pretty anonymous and I am not Identifiable by name, I can share what I feel comfortable with.  So here's another revelation.

For a long time I have struggled with gender identity.  I don't think it goes as far as gender dysphoria, but then I'm probably not qualified to make that judgement anyway.  All I know is that from a young age - 4 or 5 years old - I have not been comfortable being male.  It has just felt like the badge 'male' doesn't fit what I feel inside.  Biologically I am male, genetics can't lie - and I am ok with that, I mean, I  like women as my chosen type of partner, and whilst I would describe myself as sexually adventurous, the idea of sex with another male does nothing for me.  That said I do have a thing for she males - traps - ones that are convincing as females - but I can't say that I have ever thought about 'penetrative sex' in either direction.  I think it is the idea of gender fluidity that I fond more attractive than anything else.

So anyway, the genetics that deterring my biological make up do not seem to fit with the emotional personality.  Yes sure there are things that when you know me, they could be seen as masculine traits - an interest in cars, motorbike, the whole DJ / Producer alter ego that goes with my music.  But who is to say that they are not 'tom-boy' traits?  There are many other things that go with my personality that are generally classed as feminine by society as a whole.  I like 'chick flicks' (even the name has gender connotations), I'm not about sex, I'm about romance and love, I'm generally quite a touchy-feely kind of person, given the chance and I am definitely in touch with my emotions and my feminine side.

I am sure that, if you described what I like, how my personality is etc, to a person who did not know me, and did so without using gender constructs, they would guess that the person described is female.

I'm cool with all this.  I've had years to come to terms with it - but I think that when I was younger it became a reason why I was bullied and abused at school.  And also why eating became a problem.  It became the self harm that I have recently realised, and the person that was being harmed wasn't the false outer construct, but the real person within.  At this point, these things start to come together into one interwoven thread.  There is an outer me, the one the world knows as 'James' -  there is an inner me, male in biology, female in gender identity, that occasionally comes to the surface with people that I know and trust.  I think that I have come to terms with that over the many years and reached a situation where I am comfortable with who I am, even if I do not have the courage to go public.  I don't think I ever could whilst my father is alive.  I don't think he would be able to understand it all.

So this come back round to the eating as self harm.  I want to start this by making the following perfectly clear -

SIZE / WEIGHT IS IRRELEVANT TO ATTRACTIVENESS AND IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT USED BY THE IGNORANT WHO CANNOT BE BOTHERED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND.

There are many people with many different numerical sizes that I find attractive, the size part is irrelevant.  If you are a certain size - bigger or smaller - and that is what nature has made you, fine.  If you choose decisions that have an outcome on your size - bigger or smaller - and it is not affecting your health, fine.  No-one has the right to judge.

I am never going to be a size zero, nor would I ever want to be. [I've just realised that, without prior conscious decision, I have equated my body to female clothes sizes...?...]  But what I need to get a handle on is that I am not meant to be this size either.  Much of it is self inflicted, in an attempt to destroy that female part of me that has been the cause of so much pain from other people.  It has been a shell to keep others away from the real me, relationships could be complicated if I have to explain and rationalise these things.  So that has been the defence over the years, self destruction of the real personality and a subconscious attempt to be as unattractive as possible.

So I need to tackle this head on; 4 areas that can change my life and get me to being me, and not 'James'

1.  Eating.  As I have realised, it has become a form of self destruction and only minorly as a way of dealing with pain.  So I need to eat less - sounds easy - and maybe it is - what I need to do is take the 'pain' I inflict with over eating, and use against it a 'pain' from not eating.  I'm not talking about anything like anorexia or bulimia but to 'run with less in the tank' so I feel hungry before meals, eat a sensible amount and carry on again.  That way, when I reach the pinch points when I want to binge, the hungry feeling is never far away and I can use that, instead of the bloated feeling.

2.  Drinking.  This is nothing to do with any of the above - I simply drink too regularly.  I don't often exceed RDA, but I do drink most days.  I need to find a sugar free, alcohol free alternative to drink on weekday evenings and only have alcohol on Saturdays & Sundays.

3.  Hygiene.  I fond it very hard to have a shower or bath.  Despite part of me that loves the pampering of a candle lit bubble bath with some gentle music in the background, the truth is that at school, most of the abuse happened in the showers.  It has actually been a conditioning against it.  the emotional pain that started the cycle started there.  A bath or shower means getting undressed - I have to confront the body that I have destroyed and see the physical manifestation of my hatred.  I need to break this cycle, partly for hygiene reasons but most importantly as part of breaking the spell that is holding me back

4.  Exercise.  Never my strong point, partly because I have a low lung capacity and I have the feeling of being breathless after cardio work - but I can do some basic weights, some recreational cycling and so on.  This isn't going to be a big one, but I have to make an effort in this area.

So this is it.  this is my action plan.  God willing, I can break this affliction and become the butterfly inside this pupae.  As with all these things, there shall be one last hurrah.  Today is the last day without limits.  I shall celebrate the new year today and clear the little that is left in the fridge adnstart a new tomorrow with all temptations out of the way.