Yesterdays entry has really fucked me up frankly. What I wanted to be a remembering of the good times and the Golden age (through rose tinted glass of course!) has actually opened up a void in my heart. Those who I wanted to remember fondly are now an aching gap of what once was. I know I cant go back but I can't find anything to go on and create new memories with. this hurts so much. Part of me wants to rejoice but part of me is hurting so badly. I keep thinking that I am going to start crying and then somehow it goes away again. I wish I could just cry it out and get on with it again.
Work is helping mask the feelings during the day, I can always find something to keep me occupied at this time of year, even the basic day-to-day is a lot to be getting on with at the moment.
I think I have kind of had a revelation on something as I was googling around the web this evening. Something that I often do is simply google what is going on in my head when I am bored, and this time I think it actually came up with something useful. A week or so back I decided, frankly from no-where that I was going to cut down on what I drink. I wouldn't say I have a problem with alcohol but I do drink regularly. The guide might be 3-4 units per day, but probably not 5-6 days a week! So anyway, I cut down, and after a couple of weird moments when I would have normally reached for a beer, I have go to a point where it feels normal not to drink in an evening. That is incidental in a way, but kind of prophetic in relation to what I found tonight.
As I was sitting here, a while back, feeling pretty crappy frankly, I began to feel like used to when I cut. That's a long way back and was only a couple of times anyhow. BUT, the feeling was there. This time, the first thing into my mind was food. To eat. (I'll come back to this train of though in a moment). So I simply googled "can over eating be self harm?" and suddenly the one question that I've never asked cracked open a whole realisation. Yes it can - and is - used as a form of self harm, it has it's own specific disorders associated with it.
Coming back to the train of thought about wanting to eat to deal with the pain. That was what happened when I was younger and back in that situation. Then, and more recently, I analysed that as food being an escape and a way of making things feel better - but it wasn't, the fact that it made me feel guilty, emotionally pained and made me overweight MADE IT A PHYSICAL FORM OF SELF HARM. That's a serious light going on in my head. Whenever I have tried to tackle myself on this and tried to self-help I have always approached it from the angle of comfort eating in response to emotional trauma or distress, in seek of emotional comfort. Now I can see that it wasn't - I was looking to punish myself, destroy myself further. The self image that was so weak anyway was being used to punish myself even further. The fact that I hate being overweight, despite the carefully constructed subterfuge, meant that I was punishing myself by increasing this. I'm not going to go into details in this entry about the start, the bullying, the abuse - yes, with hindsight and in todays climate it would be termed abuse - but it is interesting how the punishments have changed. Back then it was chocolate bars and sweet things, bought covertly on the way home, and (with hind sight) eaten on the part of the way home that was close enough to be considered safe territory. Over time it has evolved into savoury, fatty foods - pizza, peanuts (any nuts in fact) cheeses and, in a non-addicted way, alcohol - specifically beer and cider.
And that brings things nearly full circle - what did I decide to force myself to cut down on recently? That's right - beer and cider. What have I done with my natural routine at work the last couple of weeks? My lunch break is now so late that I do not want to eat in the evening and I have deliberately run the fridge out of food so that I CANNOT eat. So this was what? An anticipation of the fact that I was going to end up like this, craving to eat in response to how I feel? Hardly?! I don't think my grasp of my own psychology is that great.
But anyway, I now discover that this problem that I describe has a medical name - Binge Eating Disorder / Compulsive Eating Disorder. From the little that I have read so far, the symptoms and emotional conditions seem to fit with me pretty much exactly. The fact that I seem to be using it as a form of self-harm seems to fit too. The question is what can I do now? I seem to have some new information that helps me understand my situation a little better, but how can I use it to improve my situation? One thing that I have learned already is that the NHS have no acceptance of this and no treatment plan in place. Private web sites are talking about psychological treatment and cognitive behavioural therapy - this sounds like some serious stuff and I cant grasp that. I really am not ready to admit that I need that kind of help. So that leaves self help - I've tried that before, but before I think Iw as trying to teal with something that I didn't have, so will I be more successful trying this - if it is actually my problem?
When I list our what I want from life - I mean REALLY want, not frivolous consumer goods and pointless short term things, things that would make my life complete, the answer / excuse that I throw back at myself is that I can't achieve, they haven't happened because I am fat. I do not deserve them, because I am fat. I have such a low self image of the 'real' me that I cannot find value for these to happen. How do I deal with that? HOW?
I have this nice, neat little construct that goes to work, fronts up to the world on the social occasions that I cannot avoid, and is all that is generally positive in what I portray. then there is the person inside, insecure, looking for love and acceptance, painfully shy, with a very low self worth. The outer shell isn't fake as such, it is made up out of parts of me, but the person that I really want to have the confidence to let out is the person inside. I'm not gay, but I feel like I am in the closet. Some how I have to out myself as a self hating person who suffers from an eating disorder. I need someone to really love and support me, but I hate myself too much to allow that to happen, even to believe that I could find someone who could anyway. And even if they did, I think I am so messed up right now that it would be very easy for me to mistake kindness and end up looking for something more that isn't there.
So that's the mess.
Father, in Jesus name, please give me the strength to get out of this mess somehow.
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