A smallNyA period of time can make a big difference.

OK, so the house purchase is all complete and I am now the lord in my own manner (so to speak).  In the process of leaving my old bank (HSBC) they managed to damage my credit record and use my details without my consent - breaching the Data Protection Act.  They have offered to settle out of court for an amount that pleases me so that is now all tied up and I have finally cancelled my accounts with them and closed that chapter.

So despite the stress of the past few weeks everything has pretty much come back on track so far.  Now the biggest worry that I have is that my decision to paint the bathroom olive green looks like a big mistake.  It was originally sage green and I think that I'll have to stick with that - I just don't like it very much!

On the work front, I had a 7 dayer last week and I've got another next week - that means cash money pounds of overtime.  Probably just as well as it looks like I might not be getting much of a bonus next month.  If you cant get a bonus, get some overtime!  They can't take the overtime away even if the work fucks up on the other aspects.  Overtime is always a safe bet!

Anyway, the project to renovate the bathroom and kitchen in my new place carries on.  Ive re-grouted the bathroom, replaced the shower, replaced the silicone sealant around the bath and sink and repainted all the whitework.  There's still the walls to do - when I can decide a colour - and then its on to the kitchen.

I've already made a start in there too - but mostly with the little bits.  Seeing as I had a tube of silicone open it seemed sensible to do the silicone round the kitchen sink before the tube went off, so that's been done.  The grout on the tiles was fine but a little discoloured so I have freshened that up with some grout reviver and it looks like new.  I've also replaced the shitty carpet remnant that passed for a floor mat in front of the cooker with something a little nicer looking.

I did have a clock lined up to replace the nasty piece of crap that's on the wall right now but the courier has smashed it up - thanks My Hermes...  nicely done!  What did you do to it?  From the looks of the box (and the footprint on it) someone stood on it!  Nice, thanks for that.  Never mind the 'fragile' labels all over it, just tread on it - it'll be alright, some sucker will sign for it anyway...  Doesn't matter really, I'm getting refunded from the seller - the only irritation is that it was an ebay purchase, used.  There's nothing else like it on ebay right now and no way of getting another one.  So the search continues.

Right now the UK is being hit by a massive heatwave - 30+ degrees a day.  For anyone overseas, you may be used to hotter, but here in the UK that's pretty unusual.  The heat is nice, I like it but it is having a detrimental effect on my plants on my balcony, they're looking pretty sick - and in some cases they've been toasted to a frazzle!  Going down the gym is a nightmare as they don't seem to have heard about air-con.  If it's 30 outside, its 40 in there!  How are you meant to work out in that?!  Weights, fine - just about.  But cardio work - in 40 degree heat.  How about NO?!  So the only thing I can do is try to keep control of my eating and compensate for the fact that I am not working out as often as I want to.  I am still managing 2x a week but my eating is slipping a bit.  More precisely, my drinking has crept up again.  The weight loss is still continuing to a degree but I am sure it is not as efficient as it could be.  I need to revisit and regroup.

But right now, I need to give thanks and praise.  Thanks to my family, who have carried me through from down here on earth.  Thanks to God, who has moved mountains and guided me from on high.  Somehow the seas have parted and I have found my way safely to the other side.

Praise be to the Lord

Easter Sunday

First off, Happy Easter one and all.  Never forget what today is really about.Never forget what you are celebrating and what it really means for you.

So I spent today relaxing and celebrating what is important to me - being thankful for what I have.  I went to church this morning but to a new church, somewhere I have never been before.  But I was there with friends and among some of the most welcoming people I could ask for.  I think  I know a bit more about the kind of church where I will fit in now.

Equally I know a bit more about what is going on in my heart.  It's true, it's unconditional and frankly it is probably going to come to nothing.  Friendship is the most important thing, and then maybe something else might come, but friendship is the law.

So after church I went for a bike run.  I haven't been on the motorbike in a while and it felt good, if a little cold.  Spring is definitely starting to poke through, despite the cold.  There were daffodils flowering in the banks and the sun was warm through the jacket.  The air was cold enough though and by the end of the run my knees were frozen through and I did a fair amount of the 'John Wayne' when I got off at the end of the run.  Despite the cold it felt so free, I felt so free.  To be on an open road with the sun on my back and the cold, crisp wind in my face.  So this is what it feels like to be free.

So, church then this - I ended up feeling the freedom and the love for the world that a free man can only feel.  Truth is though, it means nothing on my own.  And I don't want to be on my own, I want to be with someone I love - with someone who loves me.  I have found the person that I think maybe I could love, but they seem to notice me only in passing at best.

All I know is that I would give anything I have, go anywhere, do anything to be with this one person.  To stand before the Lord as a couple, to do His will and spread His word.  Together we could be strong, for each other and for His glory.

I pray for this so much and ask His will and His blessing.

Lord, I am not worthy to ask such a question of you,
To pray for a change in your will to suit my own feelings.
Yet I ask none the less, coming to you through the risen Lord, Jesus Christ,
Through your grace and power, may my dreams and intentions
Become your will. That I can share life and love with the one,
I hold before you in my heart.

In Jesus name amen.

Good times

OK, so there's been much that has happened over the last couple of weeks.  the incidental stuff is that work is going well, business has picked up and there is a small supply of stock on the items that people want so we can actually sell stuff.  I've ordered a new iMac and that is due to ship in the next couple of days so the music studio will be back up and running with some new hardware.

The parting gift from the old setup was finished a couple of days ago and frankly its its a song that Ive been wanting to write for so long.  Ive had a crack at it  a couple of times and not really got anywhere with it but now I have some real progress and a finished article.  Its a Gospel House track, a preacher style sermon split into two verses, set over a tradition house sound.  Quite simple in many respects but done with passion and sincerity.  The inspiration came from a couple of sources.  I listen to a fair amount of Gospel House music anyway, I'm a big fan of DJ Revelation and the style of music he plays.  I also remember a song called "The Prophet" by CJ Bolland - that was far more tongue in cheek and almost a parody of evangelical preaching, I liked the style but wanted to 'play it straight' with what I feel.

Any how, it feels good to have done it and got it out there,  I just wish and pray that there is some more of this kind of stuff inside me, that just maybe, this could be a calling and I can do something with it.

I have often thought that if I could ever be so bold as to make a deal with God, I would ask that I was able to sing as well as write and produce, and in exchange I would use this talent only to His glory.  It doesn't work like that, and I am happy with what I have, but if the opportunity arose...

Anyway, other than that - I have the day off work today so I will be putting up the Christmas Tree and tinsel and then I have a friend coming down to stay tomorrow night and Wednesday as I am off work again.  After that the days off are all used up for a while and the mad patch begins.  I love it but it is pretty tiring.

On another matter, I still have some feelings towards someone that I wish I could shift.  Nothing will come from them, nothing can come form them, not least because they have a partner and further more, with a 10 year age gap between us, I'd feel like a dirty old man if I made the first move.  Age is nothing, I know, there was a decade between Mum and Dad and they would still be together now, had she not been taken from us.  However, when an older man is with a younger woman...  I just wouldn't ever want to be accused of taking advantage.

Anyway, it cant happen for various reasons, I just wish I didn't find them so attractive, I just wish I didn't 'get them' on a personal level.  It would just be easier if there was an off switch.

16 Hours in

I began at midnight and on the whole I feel pretty good.  Its something to focus on and focus my thoughts around.  I think Ive been tested a bit this morning though, things going wrong, not in a big way but many little things.

I don't feel too hungry but I am aware of it.  Im supposed to be on lunch break right now and it does feel a little strange not eating but at the same time, the unfamiliarity of it makes me conscious of it and able to focus my thoughts around it.  Im pretty confident on making it to midnight without breaking.

Answers? , now that's another matter entirely.  Maybe I will have some kind of spontaneous realisation in one of the areas that I am focussing on.  Most probably I won't and I'll have to look and listen for any answers when they come.

I was working on some lyrics last night as well, sounding like a preacher as an MC.  I think it might work quite well if I can produce it right.

I'll check back in later on...

A prayer answered, maybe?

OK, so my last couple of posts have been asking fro some help and for things to go well. Well, things have suddenly picked up at work. There are still challenges that I have to deal with - not least to sales people that I have to manage who cannot get on with each other and do nothing other than rub each other up the wrong way. Business still has the odd off day (yesterday was one of those on a spectacular level) but then today was better than average and pretty much made up for it.

Right now I have a little clear air and some recognition from my bosses and the atmosphere between us feels a little less pressured. If the store reaches it's target this month then the onus that could come from it may well pay the bills for keeping my car on the road and perhaps even cover off some of the expenses that I'm going to face when I move house some time in the next couple of months.

A Brighter Day

Well, work was fantastic toady. Of course, it was payday for many people this weekend and it seemed like they all came in and bought from us. Today was officially the biggest sales day that the Salisbury store has ever had. It felt like an oiled team effort too. Everyone doing something slightly different and contributing to the success of the store as a whole. The real irony is that, after todays result, if the month was 30 days instead of 28, there'd be a real chance of doing target. As it is we come up 6% short.

But, accentuate the positive etc... There's much to be thankful for, maybe I have managed to clear the air with the team and get a fresh start. But that now means that I have 5 months to achieve what I should have been aiming for in 6. Oh well, I'm still in the game to fight another round at least. I will just have to learn some new team tactics as I am going. If I cannot use the management style that I am used to I am sure that I have the skills to adapt. Right now I am just thankful to get on an even keel again.

Father, once again you have given me more than I deserve

Thankyou for helping me to find a way to get things

back into the right groove and for the little successes

every day that make life seem that much more positive.

Whilst I am sure that I am working with a team that do not believe,

Please grant us all success as a whole in what we do

Please help me to role model all that is Good and Positive about your love

In a manner that will not alienate them but will help the,

to question and find you.

In Jesus Name

Amen

Life As A Whole

My Baby - photograph taken at my hold house (summer 2008)

I had a day off from work today. In itself that's nothing special. Especially as I have spent a coupple of months at home in the not too distant past. But it was, it was the best I can describe. Pure freedom, pure joy. The day started with some housework. I cleaned the place from end to end and that felt so good. It's not that my standards slipped when I was out of work, it was just harder to get motivated to do what needed to be done. After a couple of hours cleaning I went shopping. Nothing special, a couple of food items and some coal for the stove. How amazing it felt just to pick up what I needed without having to count the exact pennies as to whether I could afford it or not and that is such a blessing, I cant begin to describe it.

When I got back I took my bike out for a ride. My motorbike has always been what I live for, I was born to live life on two wheels. It is freedom, wind in your hair and flies in your teeth. At one with everything that is around you and feeling every little thing, magnified 10 fold. But, when you have no job, every penny you have spare goes in the car tank to get you to the interviews that could get you working again.

It was heatbreaking looking at my baby sitting on the driveway, oiling up every little nut and bolt to keep the rust away, having just enough petrol in the tank to start the engine evey now and then to keep a charge in the battery but not enough to go for a ride.

In the knowledge that I have an income, I cannot begin to describe how good it felt today to go out for a ride, just for the pleasure. I scrimped and saved to buy her in the first place and she is my baby. (yes, ok ok, its a sad thing for a man to love his motorcycle and to treat it like a person but I make no appology!) and I cannot describe how free I felt today, cold air, wind and the odd ray of winter sun. It just felt so amazing. I cannot begin to count such a blessing and how it makes me feel.

Father, I am sorry for the blessings that I have
that I do not give you enough thanks and praise for
There is so much that you have given me
That I do not deserve

Thank you so much for my previous job
that allowed me to buy my motorbike that makes me feel so free
Thank you for my job now,
that allows me to use my bike that makes me feel this free

And most of all, thank you for this freedom that I can feel
Today I felt it, I felt free - if only for a while
And with that freedom, the first thing that came to me
Is just how mcuh I owe you, and howmany thanks I have to give you.

All I pray is that I can continue to feel this way

In Jesus Name
Amen