Lent

So we reach this time of year again.  The imminent arrival of the season that is Lent.  The chance to focus upon our faith, our temptations and indeed, our resolve.  And it comes at a moment when I am maybe feeling a little weaker in some areas.

There's a few things that maybe I need to return to my directly conscious mind.  Firstly, I have never really found a Church here in Salisbury.  There are many things that I wish I had, but a sense of community may well be the biggest.  I don't know where I'm going to find it, but I certainly haven't done so yet.

I think back to Easters that have been before.  Many years ago, I was travelling with someone that I then cared about - but we have drifted apart now and that is much for the better.  But those years ago, Easter was a time that really had spiritual impact, something that I had community around me to appreciate.  Then a few years later, I remember Easter at my local Church in Basingstoke at the time.  The place where I was confirmed.  That was a community of a kind.  But it also served to show me what I din't want.

It was a 'nice' congregation.  But it wasn't an inspirational congregation.  It was very formal, very 'old school' and traditional.  That's fine if you're only a few years away from shuffling off or you were born in the 50's.  I want to celebrate and praise.  I want to feel inspired and invigorated to take the feeling with me for the rest of the week.

I felt a little of that last year, when I went to Church with a more recent friend.  It felt good, it felt right in respect of the celebratory elements of there service.  That said, I realised that I have a bit of an issue with being self conscious in such situations.  I wish I could loose that.

I wish I cloud find a local Church where I felt like I fitted in, where I could be me and worship in the style that I feel fits me as a person.  But this is Salisbury, about as conservative and boringly middle England as it is possible to get.

Anyway, to Lent this year.  I think I will give up much the same as I did last year.  Perhaps with a couple of small changes.

My abstinence will be from the following;

• Cheese, and all products containing cheese.
• Beer
• Cider
• Spirits / Fortified alcohol over 20% proof

I will also endevour to do the following;

• Spend at least 15 minutes each day in prayer and reflection - more time when circumstances allow.
• Follow the reading plan for the scriptures laid out here

So, as tomorrow is Shrove Tuesday and there is so little the before Lent begins, I pray and I hope to make these my focus for the period to follow…

Father, please guide me to find a local Church where I can feel at home
to be myself and worship and celebrate in a way that I feel comfortable with.

As this time approaches when I will deny myself things that I enjoy and crave,
please hear my prayers for the things that I need.

I need love, I need companionship.
I need someone to stand by my side as my equal.
I need someone who will love me as I love them.

I feel so lonely at the moment, 
though I fill the time with whatever I can
so that I don't feel so empty.

Please move someone across my path that might make this happen.

Yet, as I pray for the things that I want,
please help me to see what I can do to help others,
to see the things that I can pray for to help them,
and to find the time to do so.

In Jesus Name
Amen

Christmas is just around the corner

So Christmas is nearly here.  Frankly I'm too tired for it to register really.  Totally cream crackered.  The last couple of days at work haven't been heaving but just the constant level of everything and the stress of trying to keep on top of it all.

We had the staff meal the other night and that was a good opportunity to let my hair down.  Now that I live locally and I don't have to drive I can actually have a drink without having to count units.  Only problem was trying to keep my mind (and eyes) in the right place.  Really not easy - why does it have to be this difficult?

Anyway, I've just about  reached my limit for energy right now.  If I am being honest I am not really in the mood for tomorrow night (invited out for the evening) but I guess I will be fine once I am actually there and things are going on.  I really don't want to go out con Christmas day though.  I just want to be at home and sleep.  I know that I have to go and see the remains of the family but I am not sure that I really want to.. One thing that I have learned about myself is that I can be really quite unsociable when I reach a certain point of tiredness.  Im not the most outgoing person at the best of times but there are certain things that just make me want to shut up shop and head inwards.  It's probably best to force myself not to but it feels like the instinctive thing to do.

Right now all I really want from Christmas is a long time in my own bed, a nice meal and a bottle of wine.  Don't thing much of that is on the cards really.  Frankly I hate the idea of going away at Christmas.  Used to hat it as a child, still hate it now.

I remember when I was really young, like four or five, I used to spend Christmas up at my Grand parents house in Oxford.  We used to travel up on Christmas eve.  Once we got there I would go out into the large garden, looking for twigs to help start the log fire for the evening, or possibly up onto Shotover Hill into the woods.  Once the fire was lit we were all in the main living room area and I remember it being warm and cosy.  Eventually at night I was packed off to bed.  Mum and Dad would eventually follow.  I would then be woken up again by them leaving for midnight mass, falling asleep for a while, and then being woken by them coming back again.  The room I used to stay in was a strange one, it had thin, rectangular fanlight windows along one wall, almost at roof level, and the first I knew of them coming back was seeing the car headlights glance through them.  At that point I just remember waking up on Christmas day, usually to the sound and smell of food being prepared.  Grandpa and I used to check through the fine ashes to look for embers from the night before and use these to relight the fire - I don't know how that started, probably my curiosity, but it became a sort of ritual.  At that point, everything revolved around the living room and the kitchen area, usually with me being accused of getting in the way.  There were usually other family members, Aunts, Uncles coming by after Church, never a quiet moment.  At the time it felt like an upheaval.  Now it seems like the golden age, representing everything that I wish Christmas could still be for me, and bringing a tear to my eye when I fondly remember those who have passed.  Infact, there's hardly any of the family left at all.

I know that the Lord must call us all home eventually, and those who are called should be remembered fondly and not mourned but this is really getting to me right now.  I can remember exactly how it was, how the people were back then, the way I want to remember them, and for all the fond memories, I cant help but cry because they are gone.