So tired

I'm feeling so tired right now.  I've been on 6 and 7 day weeks for the last couple of months and it's really starting to take a toll on me.  There's been some up sides too - the money has been very welcome and has given me a decent income for a couple of months where it would otherwise have been pretty minimal.  That said, it's reached the point where I cant really keep this up much longer.  Luckily, I don't have to - I only have one week to go before I have a weeks holiday.

The money has come in handy, I've been on a little spending spree.  I bought the motorbike a set of straight pipes and it's rekindled my love for biking again!

One way or another though I'm feeling pretty run down and pretty lack lustre.  I'm planning a day away tomorrow as I have a day off.  I'm planning on taking the bike down to Lulworth Cove for the day and chilling out for a while.  Take a walk along the coast for a few miles then chill out on the beach for the afternoon.

Its not exactly going to undo weeks of overworking but it might just gove me the strength to get through the next week.  Either way, I'm really tired right now and my usual sleep cycle is gone, replaced by a cycle of sleeping based on urgency.

I don't feel tired most of the time, but when I do go to sleep I basically pass out until the morning - a couple of nights ago I managed to pass out and sleep right through a thunderstorm that passed directly overhead.

Work wise, it seems to be change over time.  People are leaving and new people hopefully joining.  The combination of staff loss and holiday time seems to have left me in this overall situation.  For the first time ever, there's a continuous block of holidays for the best part of three months, combined with staff leaving at the same time, so that creates the need for me to work so many days at a time.  I could really do with the money though so somehow I will find the energy to see it through and take the cash, after all - "it's money, take it and buy things with it".

Its been a long time

It's been a long time,
I shouldn't have left you,
Without a dub beat to step to.
When I grab the microphone you'd better hit the dex
Time's up - sorry I kept you.

It's been a long time,
Since I had ta,
Pick up the microphone and get badda.
Ain't no other MC on the AKG,
I flip the script like the rest don't matter.

The DJ cuts it up like a shaolin monk
Pumping the funk in your junk trunk punk
I flip it live cos I know where it's at
Pumping funk in the cracks,
Cutting wax with an axe.

I got rhymes real tight
Beats faster than light
Like a ton of TNT
I'm about to ignite
Cos I flip the script on this fuckin' debacle
Passin' the dutch like kids pass the parcel.


There you go, you can have that one for free!  Not sure it's worth any money anyway.

So anyhow,  it's been a while since I put anything on here.  Not to say that things haven't been going on - they have.  More to the point, there hasn't really been the time to put them on here anyway.

Work has been doing my head in.  It's the end of the internal financial year so there's been 2 stock takes in one month - well, the second one is tomorrow.  Other than that, there's a fair bit of stress going on over all this end of year shit as well.  Frankly I could do with out it, but it's part of the job.

Anyway, apart from the work stuff, which isn't exactly going badly - it's just a bit rough right now...  there are some positives as well.  Dad has put me in contact with his financial adviser and it looks like I should be able to get a few bits sorted out to grow a little bit of wealth and security for the longer term.  I have also decided that seeings as the government is going to privatise the Royal Mail, it seems like a good idea to buy a lump of shares as a longer term investment.

This is all seriously starting to sound like I am getting organised in some kind of way - and more scarily that I would appear to be showing signs of maturity and sensibility.  This just wont do.  I need to get back to being childish and irresponsible as soon as possible!

In all seriousness, things are good right now - and for that I am really thankful.  There's so much that has come to my, by the Lord's grace.  I can't help but feel there will be a darker period some time soon. Life seems to have these fiscal cycles - things go from good to bad and then back to good again.  This really feels like the peak of an up cycle.  Things are pretty much as I would have them, give or take a little bit.

The only thing that I really wish I could make progress with is the weight loss.  I have come a massive distance so far.  I have lost 4 stone, which is huge.  I am now stuck on a weight that I can't seem to move from.  I have to take a large degree of responsibility for this myself.  I have let my control on my eating and alcohol consumption loosen a little.  It's not bad, but it's not as tight as I know it could be.  That said, I am doing more down the gym that I have previously.  I am knocking off 600 calories as session before I even do any weights. And I have been able to manage 3 sessions a week over the last few weeks.  But still the weight sticks at this point.  I know I have lost weight and changed shape, it just doesn't seem real.  I don't really feel it or see it in myself the way that I guess others do.  To me I feel just as fat as I did before in so many ways.  I can totally see how people can get caught up in thinking that they are always overweight when they are not.

Who knows, somehow I guess I will have to revisit my motivation and see if I can regroup to make progress.  After all, there must be progress to be made.

A little bit of history repeating

Why does history repeat itself?  I really want to break the cycle but I just can't  I feel fed up to the back teeth after today, I kinda feel like certain people are taking advantage of my good nature and the fact that I will put others first.

Work was a seriously busy day today, the weeks new products launches combines with just a little hint of Christmas fever gave us a petty large turn out and a huge number of people to serve.  Along side that I cant help but feel that certain people are not pulling their weight, certainly they are not doing the level of work that I need the to in order for me not to have to carry them.  In all the chaos I din't get a lunch break, seems everyone apart from me managed to get one but somehow I end up getting shafted and missing out, basically because people know that I prefer a later lunch break so they take theirs and add on a few minutes here and there.  When the place is busy I cant keep an eye on where everyone is at every split second so it all comes off the rails.

Now because I am stressed out I can feel myself rushing head long into my major weakness again, the self control just peels away again.  I was meant to be going over to a friends house for a firework display this evening, I really wanted to go too - but I cant be around people when that don't know me and don't understand me when I feel like this.  There was only one person who ever truly got this feeling, indeed who I could ever fully express it to, and now they are gone from my life and I have to deal with it as best as I can on my own.

I can feel something coming on, which will be my way of dealing with it, it was how I used to deal with this feeling.  I hate myself for the fact that I am going down this route, but it is just inevitable that it will happen, the longer I try to fight it off, the worse it will be when I do go there.  Like a moth to the flame.

Not A Good Day At Work

I had my boss come down to work to visit today and it didn't go as well as expected. I know that I've had a comparatively easy time of it so far in comparison with life in my previous employer so what would have seemed like a mild inconvenience six months ago now seems much bigger and out of proportion. It kind of feels like a case of 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' . It's not that there's a huge amount of things that I need to deal with but it just sort of feels personal.

My boss does not have a particularly motivation way of promoting the need for change and improvement. It's not his fault, he just seems to have an ability to make you feel guilty for no good reason. I guess I should be used to that, My old man has had the ability to make you feel like dirt for no apparent reason, for as long as I can remember. I can even remember Mum complaining about it at times too.

So I have to lick my wounds tonight and get on with it again tomorrow. There's no point in getting all obsessed about it because the changes that do need to happen are going to have to be driven and role modeled by me. Further more, if they're not sorted out then it's me that is directly accountable for the long term result. (I say long term, he's coming back to see how we're doing in two weeks!)

I don't think it helped that I've been feeling really ill all day. I think that I ate something really iffy last night. Thing is, it smelled alright when I cooked it, tasted alright when I ate it but it's done me in today alright. I've felt sick all day and really bloated. Come to think about it, I don't feel much better now either. The moral of the tale - don't eat my cooking!

Is it wrong?

I'm not sure if it's really wrong or not but I want to pray for success at work right now. There's a promotion on at the moment that means I could win up to £300 in Apple vouchers. I don't really want to win all of them, that'd be greedy. I'd quite like to win some though. The greater aim is to get the store through sales target this month and I guess that's more important to me, especially as my probation is up in a couple of months so I'll be reviewed on current performance. I can't help but feel a little insecure that the store is not yet at target. It's grown every month so far, but never actually hot the complete target.

The thing is, I feel a little unsure that I should be asking for personal gain out of such a situation. Compared with everything else that is going on in the world, me praying for success at work, from which I stand to benefit financially, just seems like greed to me.

The thing is, even if I don't really write it down here, or even say it in my prayers, it's in my heart - and that's where God looks, right? So simply by it being there Gd knows it. But is it an impure thought? I mean, so many times we pray it is for some kind of personal gain. Ultimately it's not (really) about the money, although it would be most welcome, it would really be about hitting target and getting a result that might help keep me in a job.