Why does history repeat itself? I really want to break the cycle but I just can't I feel fed up to the back teeth after today, I kinda feel like certain people are taking advantage of my good nature and the fact that I will put others first.
Work was a seriously busy day today, the weeks new products launches combines with just a little hint of Christmas fever gave us a petty large turn out and a huge number of people to serve. Along side that I cant help but feel that certain people are not pulling their weight, certainly they are not doing the level of work that I need the to in order for me not to have to carry them. In all the chaos I din't get a lunch break, seems everyone apart from me managed to get one but somehow I end up getting shafted and missing out, basically because people know that I prefer a later lunch break so they take theirs and add on a few minutes here and there. When the place is busy I cant keep an eye on where everyone is at every split second so it all comes off the rails.
Now because I am stressed out I can feel myself rushing head long into my major weakness again, the self control just peels away again. I was meant to be going over to a friends house for a firework display this evening, I really wanted to go too - but I cant be around people when that don't know me and don't understand me when I feel like this. There was only one person who ever truly got this feeling, indeed who I could ever fully express it to, and now they are gone from my life and I have to deal with it as best as I can on my own.
I can feel something coming on, which will be my way of dealing with it, it was how I used to deal with this feeling. I hate myself for the fact that I am going down this route, but it is just inevitable that it will happen, the longer I try to fight it off, the worse it will be when I do go there. Like a moth to the flame.
Showing posts with label self aggression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self aggression. Show all posts
Saturday, 3 November 2012
Monday, 1 October 2012
Nihilistic self aggression
WOW - with a title like that I probably need a shrink!
Today has been a day that I'd rather forget - in fact so has last night for that matter. Work has been pretty hard with stock taking last night and then a number of things going wrong today. I just feel so much pent up frustration and aggression - and somehow i feel like I want to take it out on myself, like I am blaming myself for all of this.
That's crazy because 99% of what has happened is outside of my locus of control and the other 1% has been dealt with in what I hope will prove to be the correct manner. Certainly the choices I have made in how I dealt with it seem the only logical choices, rational and correct with company procedure. So that said, why do I feel the hurt and self aggression? What am I going to do with it? Am I going to do anything with it?
Well, I'm not going to do anything irrational I don't think. that said, I have a very dear friend who had a period of time when they would self harm.. Now their reasons were fare more far reaching than mine, but they once said to me that it was a pin that took away the pain inside, by making it real and physical it masked the emotional. I think I get just the tiniest little edge of what they mean. I can see now how manifesting it upon yourself can have that effect. I'm not heading down that road, but I can feel just a little bit of the self destructive side of it coming in.
Ok, and now on a different note - as in a complete 180 flip - The whole settle down and start a family thing has been going through my mind again today. Little bits here and there, in fleeting glimpses. this just as someone appears to show me the way back towards my faith a little bit. Now this person is young, 19 and its not them that I'm thinking of, but it creates the thought that, somewhere out there there are women around my age that go to church, that have faith, that maybe I could meet somehow, somewhere - God willing. Its always seemed a bit distant and far fetched but maybe it could exist.
I've come back to some lyrics that I started ages ago, when I was writing for 'G'. They were as a religious song back then but it felt a little forced and not quite right - and never had any music to go with them anyway. This time round, they feel a little better now that I'm rewriting them and the music seems to be coming with them as well. So, in my own words, I offer:
White comes the light
There's nothing to see
White comes the light
There's nothing to say
One empty glass
And one lonely traveler,
Is all that is left at the break of the day.
...
Today has been a day that I'd rather forget - in fact so has last night for that matter. Work has been pretty hard with stock taking last night and then a number of things going wrong today. I just feel so much pent up frustration and aggression - and somehow i feel like I want to take it out on myself, like I am blaming myself for all of this.
That's crazy because 99% of what has happened is outside of my locus of control and the other 1% has been dealt with in what I hope will prove to be the correct manner. Certainly the choices I have made in how I dealt with it seem the only logical choices, rational and correct with company procedure. So that said, why do I feel the hurt and self aggression? What am I going to do with it? Am I going to do anything with it?
Well, I'm not going to do anything irrational I don't think. that said, I have a very dear friend who had a period of time when they would self harm.. Now their reasons were fare more far reaching than mine, but they once said to me that it was a pin that took away the pain inside, by making it real and physical it masked the emotional. I think I get just the tiniest little edge of what they mean. I can see now how manifesting it upon yourself can have that effect. I'm not heading down that road, but I can feel just a little bit of the self destructive side of it coming in.
Ok, and now on a different note - as in a complete 180 flip - The whole settle down and start a family thing has been going through my mind again today. Little bits here and there, in fleeting glimpses. this just as someone appears to show me the way back towards my faith a little bit. Now this person is young, 19 and its not them that I'm thinking of, but it creates the thought that, somewhere out there there are women around my age that go to church, that have faith, that maybe I could meet somehow, somewhere - God willing. Its always seemed a bit distant and far fetched but maybe it could exist.
I've come back to some lyrics that I started ages ago, when I was writing for 'G'. They were as a religious song back then but it felt a little forced and not quite right - and never had any music to go with them anyway. This time round, they feel a little better now that I'm rewriting them and the music seems to be coming with them as well. So, in my own words, I offer:
White comes the light
There's nothing to see
White comes the light
There's nothing to say
One empty glass
And one lonely traveler,
Is all that is left at the break of the day.
...
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