Nihilistic self aggression

WOW - with a title like that I probably need a shrink!

Today has been a day that I'd rather forget - in fact so has last night for that matter.  Work has been pretty hard with stock taking last night and then a number of things going wrong today.  I just feel so much pent up frustration and aggression - and somehow i feel like I want to take it out on myself, like I am blaming myself for all of this.

That's crazy because 99% of what has happened is outside of my locus of control and the other 1% has been dealt with in what I hope will prove to be the correct manner.  Certainly the choices I have made in how I dealt with it seem the only logical choices, rational and correct with company procedure.  So that said, why do I feel the hurt and self aggression?  What am I going to do with it?  Am I going to do anything with it?

Well, I'm not going to do anything irrational I don't think.  that said, I have a very dear friend who had a period of time when they would self harm.. Now their reasons were fare more far reaching than mine, but they once said to me that it was a pin that took away the pain inside, by making it real and physical it masked the emotional.  I think I get just the tiniest little edge of what they mean.  I can see now how manifesting it upon yourself can have that effect.  I'm not heading down that road, but I can feel just a little bit of the self destructive side of it coming in.

Ok, and now on a different note - as in a complete 180 flip - The whole settle down and start a family thing has been going through my mind again today.  Little bits here and there, in fleeting glimpses.  this just as someone appears to show me the way back towards my faith a little bit.  Now this person is young, 19 and its not them that I'm thinking of, but it creates the thought that, somewhere out there there are women around my age that go to church, that have faith, that maybe I could meet somehow, somewhere - God willing.  Its always seemed a bit distant and far fetched but maybe it could exist.

I've come back to some lyrics that I started ages ago, when I was writing for 'G'.  They were as a religious song back then but it felt a little forced and not quite right - and never had any music to go with them anyway.  This time round, they feel a little better now that I'm rewriting them and the music seems to be coming with them as well.  So, in my own words, I offer:

White comes the light
There's nothing to see
White comes the light
There's nothing to say
One empty glass
And one lonely traveler,
Is all that is left at the break of the day.

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