I really hope that things are maybe getting back to an even keel. There's been too much stuff going on over the last few weeks for me to be able to barely catch my breath! All the stuff over my Granddad is, at last, seemingly under control. I went up to see the whole family for a meal on the 25th and, although he look frail, he seems determined to get back on his feet again. I don't think he will ever get quite back to the fitness that he had previously, I guess there's been just too much water under the bridge between then and now.

Then there's my own problems. I just seems like I've been tested a fair bit recently. Pretty much everything that can go wrong has gone wrong. From the car costing far more to get serviced than I had bargained for through to having a tyre blow out on the way to work a couple of weeks ago. After that, the washing machine decided that it was going to leak its contents all over the utility room floor. Just to top it all off, I've just had to pay car MOT, tax and insurance. It's all on the credit card right now, how on earth I am going to be able to clear it off again is beyond me right now.

The fact that the car passed the MOT without needing anything else putting right is, I hope, the beginning of things starting to go right. (Famous last words?)

Its strange how life seems to come in circles like this. I mean, how finances are plentiful at one moment and then money is so hard to find the next moment. Then, how things seem to go wrong all at the same time. I cant explain it but I'd love to know.

So tonight I am going to be a little self indulgent, hopefully not too much so.

Away from public healthcare and things get better.

I think that it is a damning indictment of the public health system when as soon as someone goes private, they get the treatment that they need and immediately begin to show signs of getting better.

In sheer frustration at the appalling after care being offered by the John Radcliffe Hospital, we have moved my Granddad to a private hospital. I don't particularly agree with private healthcare, after all that's partly what I pay taxes for - not to have to pay again when healthcare is needed. And god knows my Granddad has paid more than enough tax in his time! Yet, within 24 hours of moving him, he is now eating and starting to show improvement.

So what is the miracle cure that suddenly achieves this? TIME. plain and simple. The staff in his new hospital are in sufficiently high numbers that they do not have to rush around manically, they can take the time to make sure that he is eating. He got to see a physiotherapist within the first day, something that took 4 days in the JR! Also, the staff at the new hospital are capable of understanding and communicating with him because the standard of English is that much better. There are still plenty of overseas staff working there but the standard is so much higher. One member of the staff at the JR couldn't even speak enough english to get his name right and hold a basic conversation about the level of discomfort that he was in.

So is this a lifeline that I have been praying for? this is the important thing. I don't know what to think. I want to believe that things can get back to normal but it would be so cruel to pin everything on this only to fond that things don't work out.

Cautious optimism, I think, is perhaps the way to go. but thankful none the less.

Time away, and the need to repent.

OK, so it's been ages since I've been on here and written anything. that's not a good thing.

Right about now, there's a whole lotta family trouble going down and I need some help. My grandfather has been admitted to hospital for a major circulation problem in his leg and an infection in his foot. I don't know here this will go in the long run. I think that there is still a chance that he may be ok but the alternatives are numerous and seem to preclude the one positive outcome. He may end up having to have an amputation, me may need an operation on his leg to clear the blocked blood vessels. The possibilities are numerous but there's only really one outcome that has a positive ending.

My Granddad is coming up 89 years old and has both asthma and heart problems. Anything that involves a general anaesthetic is a risky bThe truth is that I am scared about the outcome of all this. I don't want to loose him. I know that God chooses when to call people home, but that doesn't mean that I can't not want it to happen. The other outcomes are almost worse. i mean, at 89, he's still basically mobile. Sure, he has a fairly short walking range and has some home help but he still drives a car and is determined to get out and about as much as he can. So if he ends up with some kind of amputation that is going to put an end to all that. I mean, he's still as alert mentally as I ever remember him being, so to completely loose that mobility and all the other implications of that, are seriously scary - and I'm not having to contemplate them happening to me!

I know that my cousin is feeling it too, and I worry for her as well, she hasn't always coped with life's troubles that well and the last thing that I want is for this to set back her progress. And then there's Dad, he's with my Granddad in hospital and kicking around his house when visiting hours are out. I mean, kicking around that empty house with only him in it - that's got to feel awful, I can only begin to imagine the emotions that are going through his head.

I can't get any time away from work until Friday but as soon as I can I'll be heading up to see them all. I'm just scared of what I'll find. Like, the worst case scenario, I don't want the last memory I have of my Granddad being in a hospital bed. And now I feel guilty for even writing that on here, I don't want the worst, I don't want him to suffer, I don't want him to loose his independence. And the worst thing is that I can't do anything about it.

I'm used to problems and set backs that can be figured out, solved by throwing resources at them or working harder. This can't. I can't materially affect the outcome with any resource that I have available to me. If I could, I'd do it without question but all I can do is pray...

Not A Good Day At Work

I had my boss come down to work to visit today and it didn't go as well as expected. I know that I've had a comparatively easy time of it so far in comparison with life in my previous employer so what would have seemed like a mild inconvenience six months ago now seems much bigger and out of proportion. It kind of feels like a case of 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' . It's not that there's a huge amount of things that I need to deal with but it just sort of feels personal.

My boss does not have a particularly motivation way of promoting the need for change and improvement. It's not his fault, he just seems to have an ability to make you feel guilty for no good reason. I guess I should be used to that, My old man has had the ability to make you feel like dirt for no apparent reason, for as long as I can remember. I can even remember Mum complaining about it at times too.

So I have to lick my wounds tonight and get on with it again tomorrow. There's no point in getting all obsessed about it because the changes that do need to happen are going to have to be driven and role modeled by me. Further more, if they're not sorted out then it's me that is directly accountable for the long term result. (I say long term, he's coming back to see how we're doing in two weeks!)

I don't think it helped that I've been feeling really ill all day. I think that I ate something really iffy last night. Thing is, it smelled alright when I cooked it, tasted alright when I ate it but it's done me in today alright. I've felt sick all day and really bloated. Come to think about it, I don't feel much better now either. The moral of the tale - don't eat my cooking!

Still not really feeling any better

I've been off work today - day off. I haven't done very much really. Put a few things on ebay, finished my latest musical 'masterpiece'. So on and so forth.

Despite doing these things and generally trying to relax and forget about work, it hasn't really helped too much. I am still worried about everything today, that worried me yesterday. I haven't heard from work today, nor did I want to contact them to find out the figures, for fear of being seen to pressure them.

I can't stop everything going round in my head. The though that I may be about to loose my job over the current performance should be making the blood rise in my veins, but for some reason there is a certain resignation in my mind. As if the last experience has taken the fight from me and it is yet to return. I think that there may be some more healing of the past that I have yet to complete. I am not as strong as I though I was, or as indeed I wold like to portray myself as being. I think that my prayers are simple tonight;

Don't Just Stand There... Pray Something!

The last few days have been kind of non events, wirk has been up and down business wise but pretty good in terms of atmosphere and morale. I think that its fair to say that everybody's feeling a bit tight money wise at the moment. Retailing luxury goods, albeit good quality ones for the high demographic market, is not a certain income in such times by any means.

The thing is, because it hasn't been one thing or the other, I havent really had much to pray about. Well, that's not true - there's always a reason to talk to God. If I am being more honnest, I havent felt motivated to do any talking becuase I dont have anything that I feel I need to say. That, I guess is a blessing in itself.

But I do have something I have to pray about. This is a long one and it requires some serious catharsis on my part before I pray. I have a story to tell here and I feel the need to tell it and to ask for healing to move on and get over it trully.

This story goes back 8 years ago now and its a long one. I'll try to keep it as short as I can without cutting off too much.

In my second year of uni my Mum died of lung cancer. I chose to move home for the third year so I could be arround for Dad. I'd have been happy to carry on away from home - my response to things is always to put my head down and pretend that it isn't happening! ANyway, while I was in the third year I took a job in a locla toyshop to help apy may way through uni. Working there I met a girl and instantly took a shine to her. We seemed to have an instant connection and she was the most amazing person that I have ever met - still is for that matter! We grew closer and in the end I got the guts together to tell her how I felt and that I wnated to be more than jsut friends. We started meeting up outside of work and going for walks etc. Not totally like a date but as more than normal firends. I discovered that they were quite hard to get close to but persevered. Eventually we ended up in a relationship but it was always a little difficult to get them to be emotionally close to me. I later found out why but that is not relevant to this.

I very quickly fell in love with them and eventually told them. Shortly after that we went travclling for three months and that was when things became a fully physical relationship. For me that cemented my love for them and in return they said that they loved me too. I was right on the edge of proposing to them, marriage was something that came up in conversation and I was more than ready to commit.

At the time it was in my prayers taht this would be Gods' will for us to work out like this. As I got to know them and I found out more about them I became a confidant for some seriously terrifying things that had happened to them in the past and had to deal with them self harming (I wish I had dealt with that so much better than I did!) and even a suicide attempt. Whilst I respected that as a confidant I had to keep a certain distance until I was invited further, in a way it made me love them even more, that this person had survived all this and was still so amazing. I was totally in love, head over heels. Anyway, after we got back from travelling we were good for a while and things were fantastic - or atleast so I thought. As it turns out, they were cheating on me. Worse still they were doing it with another woman.

I still find it hard to accept it as cheating, how can I compete with a woman? They can do things that I can't, love in a different way to me. Anyway, before to long, I was left for this woman and they came out as lesbian. It ripped me in two, I cried daily for weeks and suddenly I was the one who was self harming. I forgive them, in fact I think I forgave them as soon as it happened. We are still friends to this day, more like brother and sister than anything else. I would never change that now, having them in my life is worth having to deal with the pain of being constantly reminded of what could have been. The truth is that I could never tell them just how much they hirt me, just how much it still hurts.

It ended about 6 1/2 years ago and for atleast 3 years after I would not even look at another woman without feeling guilty. I've been on dates since but noone ever compares. The hurt is still very real and if I am being honnest I still love them completely. I'd drop everything if the opportunity ever arose. But it won't.

I need to be healed of this so that I can move on and find love again. I am pretty lonely on my own. I can cover it with work and by finding things to do but in all honnesty, I'd rather find someone to share life with.

So my prayer is this;

Father, at this time
I pray to be healed
I bear to you my heart on this page
And in person

I offer you this in all honnesty
and ask you to heal me of it
Please dont take away anyone close to me
But please take away the pain of the past with them

I am sorry for all the prayers
that I have offered
asking for this relationship to work
when it clearly was not your will

Please heal me of the hurt
and make me free to love without retraint

When the time is right
and I am ready to meet someone
please guide me
to find a parter

This I ask
With all my heart
In Jesus Name

Amen

NB - any comments of an anti Gay nature will be removed, anyone who wants to try to justify that approach based on Bible passages. go and re-read them with an open mind and you will realise that they do NOT condem homosexuality but condem loveless relationships, based on sex. And that can apply to any of us.