Don't Just Stand There... Pray Something!

The last few days have been kind of non events, wirk has been up and down business wise but pretty good in terms of atmosphere and morale. I think that its fair to say that everybody's feeling a bit tight money wise at the moment. Retailing luxury goods, albeit good quality ones for the high demographic market, is not a certain income in such times by any means.

The thing is, because it hasn't been one thing or the other, I havent really had much to pray about. Well, that's not true - there's always a reason to talk to God. If I am being more honnest, I havent felt motivated to do any talking becuase I dont have anything that I feel I need to say. That, I guess is a blessing in itself.

But I do have something I have to pray about. This is a long one and it requires some serious catharsis on my part before I pray. I have a story to tell here and I feel the need to tell it and to ask for healing to move on and get over it trully.

This story goes back 8 years ago now and its a long one. I'll try to keep it as short as I can without cutting off too much.

In my second year of uni my Mum died of lung cancer. I chose to move home for the third year so I could be arround for Dad. I'd have been happy to carry on away from home - my response to things is always to put my head down and pretend that it isn't happening! ANyway, while I was in the third year I took a job in a locla toyshop to help apy may way through uni. Working there I met a girl and instantly took a shine to her. We seemed to have an instant connection and she was the most amazing person that I have ever met - still is for that matter! We grew closer and in the end I got the guts together to tell her how I felt and that I wnated to be more than jsut friends. We started meeting up outside of work and going for walks etc. Not totally like a date but as more than normal firends. I discovered that they were quite hard to get close to but persevered. Eventually we ended up in a relationship but it was always a little difficult to get them to be emotionally close to me. I later found out why but that is not relevant to this.

I very quickly fell in love with them and eventually told them. Shortly after that we went travclling for three months and that was when things became a fully physical relationship. For me that cemented my love for them and in return they said that they loved me too. I was right on the edge of proposing to them, marriage was something that came up in conversation and I was more than ready to commit.

At the time it was in my prayers taht this would be Gods' will for us to work out like this. As I got to know them and I found out more about them I became a confidant for some seriously terrifying things that had happened to them in the past and had to deal with them self harming (I wish I had dealt with that so much better than I did!) and even a suicide attempt. Whilst I respected that as a confidant I had to keep a certain distance until I was invited further, in a way it made me love them even more, that this person had survived all this and was still so amazing. I was totally in love, head over heels. Anyway, after we got back from travelling we were good for a while and things were fantastic - or atleast so I thought. As it turns out, they were cheating on me. Worse still they were doing it with another woman.

I still find it hard to accept it as cheating, how can I compete with a woman? They can do things that I can't, love in a different way to me. Anyway, before to long, I was left for this woman and they came out as lesbian. It ripped me in two, I cried daily for weeks and suddenly I was the one who was self harming. I forgive them, in fact I think I forgave them as soon as it happened. We are still friends to this day, more like brother and sister than anything else. I would never change that now, having them in my life is worth having to deal with the pain of being constantly reminded of what could have been. The truth is that I could never tell them just how much they hirt me, just how much it still hurts.

It ended about 6 1/2 years ago and for atleast 3 years after I would not even look at another woman without feeling guilty. I've been on dates since but noone ever compares. The hurt is still very real and if I am being honnest I still love them completely. I'd drop everything if the opportunity ever arose. But it won't.

I need to be healed of this so that I can move on and find love again. I am pretty lonely on my own. I can cover it with work and by finding things to do but in all honnesty, I'd rather find someone to share life with.

So my prayer is this;

Father, at this time
I pray to be healed
I bear to you my heart on this page
And in person

I offer you this in all honnesty
and ask you to heal me of it
Please dont take away anyone close to me
But please take away the pain of the past with them

I am sorry for all the prayers
that I have offered
asking for this relationship to work
when it clearly was not your will

Please heal me of the hurt
and make me free to love without retraint

When the time is right
and I am ready to meet someone
please guide me
to find a parter

This I ask
With all my heart
In Jesus Name

Amen

NB - any comments of an anti Gay nature will be removed, anyone who wants to try to justify that approach based on Bible passages. go and re-read them with an open mind and you will realise that they do NOT condem homosexuality but condem loveless relationships, based on sex. And that can apply to any of us.