So tired

I'm feeling so tired right now.  I've been on 6 and 7 day weeks for the last couple of months and it's really starting to take a toll on me.  There's been some up sides too - the money has been very welcome and has given me a decent income for a couple of months where it would otherwise have been pretty minimal.  That said, it's reached the point where I cant really keep this up much longer.  Luckily, I don't have to - I only have one week to go before I have a weeks holiday.

The money has come in handy, I've been on a little spending spree.  I bought the motorbike a set of straight pipes and it's rekindled my love for biking again!

One way or another though I'm feeling pretty run down and pretty lack lustre.  I'm planning a day away tomorrow as I have a day off.  I'm planning on taking the bike down to Lulworth Cove for the day and chilling out for a while.  Take a walk along the coast for a few miles then chill out on the beach for the afternoon.

Its not exactly going to undo weeks of overworking but it might just gove me the strength to get through the next week.  Either way, I'm really tired right now and my usual sleep cycle is gone, replaced by a cycle of sleeping based on urgency.

I don't feel tired most of the time, but when I do go to sleep I basically pass out until the morning - a couple of nights ago I managed to pass out and sleep right through a thunderstorm that passed directly overhead.

Work wise, it seems to be change over time.  People are leaving and new people hopefully joining.  The combination of staff loss and holiday time seems to have left me in this overall situation.  For the first time ever, there's a continuous block of holidays for the best part of three months, combined with staff leaving at the same time, so that creates the need for me to work so many days at a time.  I could really do with the money though so somehow I will find the energy to see it through and take the cash, after all - "it's money, take it and buy things with it".

Everything just seems to be turning to poop

It just seems that right now, everything that I try to achieve is turning to poop.  I get the balcony looking nice, the council want to repaint the exterior of the building so somehow I will probably end up having to try to move plants that are growing up the trellis work on the balcony - not easy.

The car made it to France and back, but it seems that a bolt holding the coil pack in place sheared of (or was sheared by the garage she they serviced it - but I can't prove that) so I had to kludge a fix on that - but I don't know if it will hold or not.

I decided to treat myself to a new set of after-market pipes on the motorbike.  I've ordered them and they've turned up with no fitting instructions and no contents list.  I can't help but feel that there could well be some bolts and brackets missing as there don't seem to be any fittings in the box that I can see.

It just seems to be one thing after another at the moment.  None of them are significant in their own right but it just seems to be adding up to a bigger pile of do-do.  What really seems to be getting me is that the more I try to do a little something to cheer me up, the more it gets thrown back in my face.

Work is adding to the stress at the moment too.  I have a new starter on board to replace one that has left.  TRo give them their due, they have worked for one of our competitors before so know a little bit of the role so they're further ahead on the curve than the average newbie.  What then piles on the pressure is that there's another member of the team on holiday for 2 weeks.  The fact that they've taken a 2 week block really pisses me off.  I can't stop them - it's their right to do it, but it;s the fact that they do it every time.  They do all the customer training when they are working so when they are not in, the rest of us have to rally round to cover their sessions.  In itself, that would be manageable for a week, but 2 weeks just pushes the stress level through the roof.  When other people are off, the sales team can still sell because the training is covered.  When this person is off no-one can get on with their job properly.

On the up side, that means that there should be some overtime going begging - and I think I am going to need it.  That's one thing that the company bonus structure can't take away from me.  They can cap my bonus if other staff members screw up but they can't take away my overtime.

Other than that, there's all the other little irritating things that are going on right now.  I'm still trying to flog myself down the gym to try and hit my target weight - getting there but it's really slow going right now.  I have one particular friend who is determined to push me into online dating and they are starting to get on my nerves again.  Hopefully they'll back off for a while.  They're right of course, but I'm just not in the right place or time to do anything about it at the moment.  I don't have the money to sustain a dating routine, I don't have the time to put into it and right now I don't have the energy to do myself justice in looking for a partner.

All little things, so many little things, all biting at me.  I have a week's holiday at the end of July, a month away.  I think the plan will be to cling on for dear life until then and see if I can get back on an even keel.

Update

Ok, so I don't really know where to begin but I feel like an update is probably due.  So, in no particular order…

Lent is actually really irritating me this year.  What should be a moment of spiritual strength and growth is just really grating at the moment.  I will see it through but it is just not having the desired effect.  I just feel really lack-lustre at the moment.  I am struggling to find the energy to train effectively at the gym as well.  I can't help but wonder if it is some kind of dietary thing.  Maybe I am not eating enough of the right thing.  I am taking vitamin and iron supplements as I know that I am on a restricted intake so I don't think that it would be that.  The only other thing that has changed in my diet recently is the removal of cheese for Lent.  But calcium deficiency does't cause lack of energy does it?  Maybe it does.  Might be time to start drinking more milk to try and compensate for the lack of cheese.  The only other thing that it might be, is that I used to eat a banana for breakfast and recently I have not been - basically because I haven't been feeling hungry.  I guess that I will have to try to get back into the habit.

Other than that, I just want the summer to hurry up - I am itching to get the balcony planted up and looking good again.  The car is about to cost me a packet I think, it's that time again - insurance, tam, service, MOT and breakdown cover.  All in the same month!  And then the motorbike is due service and MOT the month after, and I am going on holiday so will have to find some money for that too…

Weight wise, I am now down to 12 stone 2 lbs - slowly creeping down but it is harder and harder work to keep any kind of momentum.  At the same time, my lifting ability is ebbing away on a couple of excursuses, mainly the chest based ones - bench press, pecs etc.  So I am trying to eat plenty of protein to support the excursuses that I am doing, but trying to keep down my overall intake to facilitate weight loss.  It seems the be reaching the point where the two are nearly incompatible.  The amount that I am eating at the moment (or not eating to be precise) is really not helpful.  I am way under calorie count most days and I am definitely under all other RDAs.  I just wish that I could loose the remaining stone and a half to get down to my ideal weight.

All in all, it's a pretty trying time and I am feeling seriously 'meh' about it all at the moment.  Nothing is going wrong per se, but things aren't exactly a bed of roses either.

Into every life...

... a little rain must fall.

Ok, so on reflection, I've had a really decent run of good fortune earlier on in the year and I suppose the fact that now things are not going exactly to plan is really only compensation for that - after all, the universe needs to balance.  The Lord must share good and ill fortune upon people equally.

Anyway, my old macbook has come back yet again as the second person to buy it on ebay say it is faulty.  What he has described sounds like the fault that I claimed against Apple under EU law for but now that I have the machine back, I am damned if I can replicate it.  So I think I will just flog it to the local cash converters - the fault that they were moaning about, and that I had an issue with before was an intermittent fault based on certain components overheating and shutting down.  It's unlikely to do that when they test it and buy it off me, and after that it's their problem.  It's a bit unethical perhaps but I need the money and it's just going to be easier to do that and take a slight loss that it is to go through the grief of selling it on ebay and dealing with any faults that may come up again.

Other that that someone that I work with has been involved in a pretty sever car accident and they're going to be off for the foreseeable future.  They're ok - just.  The car was a hell of a mess from the pictures that they sent me.  Thank God, they are basically ok - a couple of cracked ribs and a ruptured knee, but they will recover.  I think that it was very close to being far more severe.  That said, their absence has put a major strain on at work.  Trying to deal with the busiest time of year with one full-time member of staff down is nothing short of a nightmare.  However, there's not much that can be done - it's not their fault that they're off and nature will take it's course, it's not a click-your-fingers type of healing process - it could be 4 weeks odd for cracked ribs.

So I am really tired right now.  I mean, I woke up this morning, after a decent night's sleep and felt like I was ready to go back to bed.  I'm back on the high caffeine energy drinks again too.  I just need something to get me through it all to Christmas day and Boxing Day.  I'm not quite running on empty but I'm getting close.

I managed to get down the gym tonight for a decent work out but I'm feeling knackered now.  I am going to try and get down there again on Friday after work too.  I need to keep this going in the run up to the Christmas Eve weigh in.  Only 3 pounds to go for 5 stone in a year.  Now is not the time for faint heart, for faint heart never won fair lady.

I don't have a fair lady in mind right now but it'll be a lot easier to find one if I am looking trim and fit for purpose.

That is all for now I think...

Another pointless rambling blog post...

So Christmas is getting closer; and with that, I should be feeling more empowered, stronger, full of the joys of the season.  It's not that I don't want to be, it's more like every effort I have is going into  my day job and not really leaving anything left over for my faith and for the season.

With that comment I guess that it's probably evident that work is not going according to plan.  that's an understatement.  Right now the business is haemorrhaging money compared with last year.  After a really storming November, this month has fallen by the way side and I'm looking at a pretty big step down against last year.

Right now I dont't know where this is going in the longer term.  Day to day, it's a struggle in the least.  Some how we need to catch up on last year as a minimum.  Then again, head office are forecasting a +20% growth on last year as well.  Following November's sales, the 20% was looking pretty achievable.  Now I am just looking to break even and not head backwards.  The economy is supposedly on the up and people have a higher level of finical optimism (allegedly) but I have to say that I am not sire that it is doing me any favours right now.

The stress of work is a big one, it isn't with me every hour, but it is there more than I would like.  there are little positives that seem to part the stress a little.  For example, we won a competition last weekend and the prize was for food to be paid for this Saturday for lunch - so I had a free pizza lunch.  That was pretty cool, and then there is next weekend - we have the Christmas meal to look forward to.  So there are some positives on the rounds as well.

It's one of these moments when being single totally sucks.   It's the the season...  It's the season alright.  But really, only if you are with someone that you care about.  There could be someone.  I wish there was someone...  But there isn't.  Not right now anyway.  We're coming down to the cut off zone.  Boxing day... - Or in this case, Christmas eve.  I'm not weighing in after the season of excess, I'll do it before, thank you!

So it's 3 lbs more to go for a nice round weight loss of 5 stone in a year.  Might just be do-able, it's going to be a close run thing.  It's not the 6 stone that I targeted for a year ago, and there is definitely more to go.  I think that I need to aim for 1.5 stone in the longer term and that may well be the goal for next year.  I promised myself that i would go into courtship dating in the next year, last year.  I really want to make that happen but I need to rationalise my feelings towards my body as it stands and maybe come to terms with where I have got to and how far I have come.

Terry and Mel have asked me to their new years party and naturally I am going to go - maybe I can find someone there?  I sure as hell don't want to spend another new years alone.

Much to think about, much stress and all of it taking me away from what should be the most amazing season of the year.

And so I pray;

Father, as so many things cause me to loose sight of what this time of year is really about,

Please help me to keep the real meaning of the season in my heart

So that it may come to the fore, ahead of everything else.

Please give me the strength to accept what I cannot change,

The strength to recognise what I can change

And the strength to fight to make the change happen.

As the time comes, please help me to remember the real meaning of Christmas 

And to share and install it in others.

In Jesus name

Amen

Every once in a while

Every so often you come across a time in your life when everything you touch turns to brown.  It seems to be my turn for some of that right now.  The Christmas temp that I have taken on turns out to be bloody pregnant so is feeling sick all the time, they can't work half the days that I wanted - or that they said they could when I interviewed them.  So that means ore work for everyone else - particularly me.

Then to add to it, the person that bought my mac on eBay turns out to be a complete numpty that doesn't know how to use it so I have not had to issue a blood refund and go through all the grief of delisting the damned thing.

Then just to put the icing on the cake, a machine at work yesterday came out of the box with a mark on the lid - a custom machine that that they'd been waiting for weeks for.  So i ended up dealing with all the stress between the customer and head office.  Frankly my stress level is off the scale and somehow I need to get rid of it before I have this bloody medical on Tuesday.  I really wish I could have a drink but I can't until after the medical.

I could do with a bit of a turn in fortune really.  It's about time that something went better for me.  It's one of those times that I wish I had a partner to support me.  Sometimes a cuddle  would just solve so many different problems.  I just feel so fed up right now, so many little things that are just niggling away at me.

I really need some blue skies ahead somewhere soon.

Jazz an all dat

Ok, so it's been however long and a day since I posted anything.  It's not that things haven't been happening - they certainly have.  As with pretty much every other pressure that I have to deal with, it's all about time.  How I choose to prioritise it and how I choose to use the little that I have.

Progress with the flat continues apace.  I have now redecorated the kitchen and it look a whole lot better.  The only project left on the to-do list is to put down laminate flooring in the kitchen.  It seems easier than I think it will actually be.  Obviously I can put down basic planks and join them together, what I think I may have more issue with is going to be things like cutting the planks to fit around the door frame with all it's intricacies.  I need to decide whether I am going to bite this one off and try to chew it or whether DIY might be better served as GSI!

In either case, that might have to wait a month or two... the macbook had to go in to be fixed the other day and what I thought would be a simple replacement of the airport card - a £50 part at the most, turned out to be a royally fucked logic board - basically I had cooked it.  Too many Logic sessions I guess, combined with the fact that nVidia managed to ship apple a shit batch of graphics card (again) that seem to overheat.  In either case, the logic board was declared as toast.  Typically the machine was just out of Applecare.

Apple customer service has totally changed, I can remember not that long ago that they would have offered me an exception to get it covered without any real fuss.  Like hell did that happen this time!  Basically I had to use the workshop to sue them under European law.  At which point the folded like a piece of paper. - So why not just raise an exception in the forst place and keep the good will?

Any how, my mac was repaired.  It works OK now but still seems to run on the hot side.  In either case, it is worth nothing to me if it goes wrong again, so I find myself parting company with a faithful friend that has been my shotgun for the last three years, been the platform upon which some of my post successful musical works have been started and served me so well.  I can only hope that they will find a good home... and a decent price so that I don't have to pay too much towards the upgrade!

It's obviously the time for various pieces of shit to hit the fan; The car has the rust issue with the widinscreen surround reappearing.  Looks like I will have to fork out for it to be looked at again in the spring - if I'm doing that, I want it sorted for good this time, rather than just patching it up - so that's a few hundred at least sometime into the new year.  Looks like I should have a little help towards it hout anyway, the dole-bludging benefits leech that life has landed upon the family as a step sister has had a hand out to fix her car, so fairness says that Dad will bankroll me the same.  I don't need it - I could cope on my own, but none the less it will be useful.

Then there are my long term finances - some good fortune and some less good fortune.  I was able to get some Royal Mail shares in the recent issue and that has made me a few quid, with the prospect of a reasonable future of dividends to come.  On the down side, my IFA is in the process of sorting out income protection for the mortgage, critical illness cover and a couple of other bits - all through Aviva.  It looks like they are quoting one price to get his recommendation and then trying to fuck me over on the premium.  The mortgage cover they added to the initial premium, without reason or explanation.  Now they are demanding a fucking medical for the critical illness cover.  I don't have the will for this right now, and as Christmas approaches I certainly don't have the time either.  Yet in the same breath, I think I do need to get something sorted out.  In either case, with a medical approaching, I need to go completely clean and sober from now until it is over, just to make sure that I get a genuine result.  So tonight was the last bottle of wine for the time being.  No more caffeine, taurine or the like.  Its going to be bland foods, no stimulants or depressants and so on.  Anything that might help lower the premiums.  Still feel like I'm being ripped off though.

I haven't seen a doctor for years, I haven't had a day off sick school, college, uni or work since 1991!  As far as I'm concerned it's corporate wank at it's worst.

Christmas seems to be here already at work.  The business is already picking up and the amount of money floating around is up.  We are doing more money than last year so far so that looks to be a good sign.  I've just taken on a new Christmas temp to help keep us above the water line.  So far so good, not that I've had the time that I want ot spend to help her get up to speed.

One little downer, turns out that she's just found out that she's pregnant.  Sucks a bit in terms of trying to brow beat head office into let me keep her on.  Also means that I have to just keep an eye out and make sure that she's alright.  It's strange how people that need looking in after in some way are guided to cross paths with those who hold a moral value to protect those who are within their care in some way.

Oh man, I'm tired - and we're nowhere near Christmas right now.  Lord knows how I'm going to find the strength to keep this going right now.  Still, I am off tomorrow and therefore I can have abot of a lie in and come up to speed at a leisurely pace.

So close now...

Tomorrow is D-day, Tuesday 9th July.  It is the day that I am due to exchange contracts and I will actually own the flat that I am moving into.  After so many set backs along the way, I can't help but feel that I have been guided through all the perils by a higher force.  It really does feel like divine intervention.  Some how I feel like a path has been cleared for me to navigate.

I can't really say that I ever used to dream about owning somewhere - it wasn't really that high on my list of priorities.  But now it seems to have an importance of it's own.  If I am looking at finding someone to settle down with, it gives me a degree of stability, somewhere that is a little bit more stable and secure.

So somehow I have ended up here.  So much has tried to come in the way and to be fair, I am not across the line yet - although unlikely, it could all go wrong tomorrow and exchange may not happen. I can;t see any way that would happen - we are there in all but signature, but none the less, I will not be counting my chickens until it is all finished.

Work wise, there's a whole load of crap loitering in the background.  So as soon as I get one monkey off my back, there's another one just waiting to climb on.  Everything from staffing to bonuses and all that lies in-between.  I think that my stress level will probably rise whilst I'm dealing with this all.  I'm not even really going to get much time away from it as I have 2 days off in the next 3 and half weeks.  The cash will be very welcome, especially as I think I can forget about a bonus for the next couple of months.

Aside from that, the person that I have feelings for has moved into a circle that does not really overlap my life at all.  I haven't really had time for it to hit me day-to-day, work just feels a bit empty without them there.  I find myself thinking about them in the quiet moments, what they are doing... I swear that I could smell their perfume in the office the other day.  I'm sure that can't have been the case, purely psychosomatic.

I don't know quite how it's going to go down over the next few weeks, I'd kinda like to press fast forward and just get to the other side.  I guess I'll just have to wait and see, and deal with whatever comes along.