The eyes have it

This should be one of the good days - but somehow it just isn't.

The person I have feelings for gave me something so special today, it proves they really get who I am (but they think of it just as a friendship).  It's not something I asked for, it's not something I wanted, but instantly it has become the most sentimentally valuable thing that I own.  Not because they gave it to me (although that sure helps) but because, without any hint or prompt, they gave me something that hits me on such a personal level that it feels like it was just meant to be.

I now feel really like shit that I feel the way that I do - yet it makes me feel that way even more.  It's so unlikely that I would ever find someone who gets me on such a level, the fact that they are out of reach means that I am now looking for a second person who meets that criteria - like that's ever going to happen.

The team at work made a bit of a fuss about my birthday - lead mostly by this person I suspect.  I didm;t really want it, and it hasn't changed my opinion of birthdays, but I have to admit it was quite nice, and I feel quite flattered that people have any kind of regard for me.

Truth is, I find it hard to cope with people placing any kind of value on me when I don't place that kind of value on myself.

I know what I really wanted for my birthday - or rather  who I wanted for my birthday.  Man it cuts me up inside, the dichotomy between what i cannot have and what need on an emotional level.  In so many ways I do not want to feel like I do for the person that I feel for - it just can't be on so many levels and in so many ways.  yet I have an inbuilt need to find someone and this one person ticks every single box without even trying.  I just don't know any more.  I know what I want, what I find attractive and what I need to make me feel as a person.

So this one person, so beautiful in every way, so perfect in the aspects that talk so directly to me.  I have always has a weakness for eyes.  there's just something about them, you can tell so much about someone,  If someone is dead inside, they show it.  If someone is not what they appear to be, the eyes will let you know.  This person has the most amazing eyes.  I could drown in them without wanting to escape.  I could gaze into them forever and never feel board.  And then theres the personality.  Sometimes you just find someone that you want to hug and never let go, someone who you would drop everything for, take a bullet for.  The kind of person that makes you want to be a better person inside.  The kind of person that makes you want to protect them, honour them and do anything you can to help them have a better life.

And to counter that, theres the who thing that, despite my feelings, they do not feel the same and it can never be.  So the chances of feeling like this about someone else are getting increasingly small.  I have to be honest and think back - I don;t think I ever felt this strongly about 'G' even - and here we are now...

Messed up and such a mess.  Despite the fact that it seems that I cannot have what I want, it doesn't stop me wanting it.

End of the line - all change please.

So I haven't updated on here for a while - it's not that things haven't been happening, quite the contrary.  Everything has been happening so fast that, frankly, finding the time to put any of it down here has been the last thing on my mind.

Ok - SitRep.  Since last entry I have been given notice that I have to leave my apartment as the owner is selling.  If these selling, I'm buying!  Pretty short notice as I only had 2 months notice to leave.  However, 2 weeks in and I have completed my mortgage application (and been accepted, pending surveyors report on the place), put in an offer for the place that has been accepted by the seller and gor the solicitors on board to do all the searches.

My stress level has been off the scale frankly but it will be worth it in the long run.  I won't be paying money each month to line someone else's pocket - I'll be paying it to own more and more of my own place.  Other than that, Ive had a dose of food poisoning and spent a few days shitting my arse out and feeling like crap - whilst still having to deal with work etc and if that wan't enough tomorrow is my 34th birthday - which frankly I couldn't give a flying fuck about.  I have never been one to make a big fuss over birthdays (probably just as well as the only person who ever bothers to send me a card is Dad)  I've never been a big one for birthdays, I hate them.  Why would I want to celebrate the fact that another biological year has passed?  My body is a year older and I don't feel it.  So my mental position and my physical being have got even further apart.

I have a feeling that a big deal of it is going to be made at work tomorrow - I'm just planning to smile, say thank you if and when needed and hope that it will all go away as quickly as possible.  Especially as the one thing that I REALY want for my birthday is absolutely not likely to happen.  I say 'one thing' - that's kind of misleading, perhaps that should be 'one person'!  I think I would probably be speechless with excitement if I were to come in to work tomorrow to find them all wrapped up for me!! - especially as they are A grade 'D' material, and I;d be totally up for that!

Any way, that isn't going to happen so I'll have to deal with whatever is going to go down.  Then get the hell out of there at the end of the day.

Truth is, it feels really depressing to be back here, no further forward at 34 than I was at 24.  Different person, still being held to ransom by my feelings and dreams that don't seem as if they are ever going to come true - and can't come true.

Its fucked up - Im fucked up, damaged goods.  ANd for that reason, even if it could happen, whilst I would be so happy with them, I do not believe that they (or anyone) could ever be happy with me.

I am a product of my childhood.  Of the bullying, the beatings, the abuse - mental, physical and sexual - and all that is left is some fuck up shell of a person who dreams of love, falls in love at a distance and cannot do anything to earn love in return.  Most days it is fine (ish) but some days, like tonight, it hurst. It hurts so badly.  I do not want to be alone any more.  I want love.  I need love, but I cannot earn love.

The one person who I thought truly loved me in a relationship sense didn't really.  The people that I fall for could never love me back and thus goes the cycle.

So I don't celebrate the years ticking by on this shell of a man, stick at twenty something in a mental age, because that's where it all came off the rails - and somehow I feel like by staying at that mental age, I can try to get it back on the rails again.  But in reality, I find myself falling for people who are at that point in their life that matches with my mental state,  meaning that I end up falling for people who are substantially younger than I am - to put it bluntly, totally legal, but highly immoral.  Yet if I fall for someone my own biological age, they are unlikely to be able to give me what I want - to pick up and go forward.

God I am so messed up...