The musings of a madman

Just feeling a little restless, that all.   Work is pretty crap, business is down and the team is slowly falling apart and there's nothing that I can do.  People leaving and people bringing in their problems from home, etc…  Money is now a constant struggle.  Basically I don't have any.  My staff keep fucking up the mystery shop visit and that is costing me my bonus.  They don't care, they're leaving or don't have the financial commitment to actually need the money.

I always used to live my life on the rule that whatever my finical commitments, I wold never exceed my basic pay outgoings that I had to make.  It's now at the point where I' about to break that and I have no guarantee of anything further whilst the staff keep loosing me my bonus.  There isn't much I can do to deal with it.

The horrible truth is that I haven't had a pay rise in 5 years, My bonus has been eroded away by head office moving the goal posts and by the staff pissing away what I have earned, through their own laziness and incompetence.  I can't hold them to account without head office getting on the way, but they're costing me money month after month - with the exception of one staff member who actually wants to get involved and make progress.

I don't want to leave where I work but it is getting to the point where their choice not to give me a pay rise is making me finically unviable.  With my ratio of income to liabilities, if I was a company- I'd be in administration right now.  Now quite bankrupt, but needing special measures to see things through.

So the answer would seem to be to find either a second job or to find a different job with better pay.  Frankly the second job thing is not going to be a viable option - I've looked and I con't seem to find anything that will fit around the times I want to be down the gym.

So that leaves looking for a different job.  Not sure what that's likely to bring.  I'm sure there are things within retail that i could move to but I would really like to make a move outside of retail, maybe to something a little less volatile and certainly less target driven.  I keep thinking that there may be something that I can do with my ACSP qualification but there does't seem to be anything obvious.  In either case, it needs to be able to pay a basic that is substantially higher than what i am earning now, especially if there is any commuting involved.

But then again, where I am financially would not be so bad had I not bitten off more than I can chew in respect of financial investments and security that my IFA has pushed my way.  That seems to have crept up and been more expensive at every step and it has basically crossed the line between ending affordable and making my finical position unviable.  But all the different elements are so intertwined that I can't see a way of unpicking one from another and making life easier.  I'm stuck with a load of witty insurances that I don't see the value in, but then the commission that my IFA gets from those is paying the handling fees for my stocks and shares ISA which keeps that profitable.  I don't see a way of picking this lot apart and making it any more viable.

Don't get me wrong, compared with some people out there, I am still OK. At the moment the mortgage payments on the mortgage are safe and for that I am truly thankful.  At the same time, I feel that I am justified in wanting to progress and do better in life, earn more money to be stable again.

I guess I'm just feeling the pinch at the moment.  It's ironic really, all the time that the country was in the shit, I was blessed enough not to feel it.  NOw that the economy is allegedly on the up, I am finically squeezed to a level that i advent felt since I first moved out of home, back in Basingstoke just after I left uni.  Back then it was playing off the bank balance to pay day and making money go round twice.  Its not that bad now, but its getting closer.  I need and want a way out.

Lord, money may not be the everything in this world,
I may not be able to take it with me when I leave,
And I know there are many people with far less
Than I possess in this life.

Yet none-the-less I ask,
show me a way to be able to move forward,
To get back to a place of stability and prosperity
so that I may be able to provide for the partner and family 
that I aspire to have.
So that I may enjoy a positive outlook on life
day by day
And have a a stability that allows me to build for the future.

Lent

So we reach this time of year again.  The imminent arrival of the season that is Lent.  The chance to focus upon our faith, our temptations and indeed, our resolve.  And it comes at a moment when I am maybe feeling a little weaker in some areas.

There's a few things that maybe I need to return to my directly conscious mind.  Firstly, I have never really found a Church here in Salisbury.  There are many things that I wish I had, but a sense of community may well be the biggest.  I don't know where I'm going to find it, but I certainly haven't done so yet.

I think back to Easters that have been before.  Many years ago, I was travelling with someone that I then cared about - but we have drifted apart now and that is much for the better.  But those years ago, Easter was a time that really had spiritual impact, something that I had community around me to appreciate.  Then a few years later, I remember Easter at my local Church in Basingstoke at the time.  The place where I was confirmed.  That was a community of a kind.  But it also served to show me what I din't want.

It was a 'nice' congregation.  But it wasn't an inspirational congregation.  It was very formal, very 'old school' and traditional.  That's fine if you're only a few years away from shuffling off or you were born in the 50's.  I want to celebrate and praise.  I want to feel inspired and invigorated to take the feeling with me for the rest of the week.

I felt a little of that last year, when I went to Church with a more recent friend.  It felt good, it felt right in respect of the celebratory elements of there service.  That said, I realised that I have a bit of an issue with being self conscious in such situations.  I wish I could loose that.

I wish I cloud find a local Church where I felt like I fitted in, where I could be me and worship in the style that I feel fits me as a person.  But this is Salisbury, about as conservative and boringly middle England as it is possible to get.

Anyway, to Lent this year.  I think I will give up much the same as I did last year.  Perhaps with a couple of small changes.

My abstinence will be from the following;

• Cheese, and all products containing cheese.
• Beer
• Cider
• Spirits / Fortified alcohol over 20% proof

I will also endevour to do the following;

• Spend at least 15 minutes each day in prayer and reflection - more time when circumstances allow.
• Follow the reading plan for the scriptures laid out here

So, as tomorrow is Shrove Tuesday and there is so little the before Lent begins, I pray and I hope to make these my focus for the period to follow…

Father, please guide me to find a local Church where I can feel at home
to be myself and worship and celebrate in a way that I feel comfortable with.

As this time approaches when I will deny myself things that I enjoy and crave,
please hear my prayers for the things that I need.

I need love, I need companionship.
I need someone to stand by my side as my equal.
I need someone who will love me as I love them.

I feel so lonely at the moment, 
though I fill the time with whatever I can
so that I don't feel so empty.

Please move someone across my path that might make this happen.

Yet, as I pray for the things that I want,
please help me to see what I can do to help others,
to see the things that I can pray for to help them,
and to find the time to do so.

In Jesus Name
Amen