Ok, so I haven't posted anything on here for a while. To be honest, there's not much going on. The Christmas run up is not going as well as it could be - the fact that of the main products that people want, one is permanently out of stock and one is not even release yet, it really doesn't help the situation. It's just getting a little wearing not having the stuff in stock and some customers are starting to get aggressive over it.
I've been off today - rostered day off to recover a bit! I don't know why but I feel really depressed, I have the same feeling inside as a few years ago when I was in between previous and current employers. I can only assume that it's a lack of sunlight or something. That said, it was sunny today and I went out to the shops for a while so I did get a decent level of 'exposure'. I don't know - things just feel strange right now.
I don't seem to have any enthusiasm, I feel lethargic and almost frustrated - but I don't know what with.
Monday, 26 November 2012
Tuesday, 13 November 2012
Not a good couple of days
There's plenty that's going right at them moment but it just seems to be one of those time that, just as you think you are in control of things, something comes along to prove that you have no control at all. As Christmas comes nearer, I am starting to feel a positive uplift fro that. Work is definitely getting busier, the weekend was the busiest for a very long time. Along side that events that have been out of my control at work have come back to kick me in the gentlemans' area. One way or another the finances on Sunday came up noticeably short. After exploration there is no obvious reason for this, otherwise known as 'the busk will stop with me'. I'm not sure what that means in reality - I've never been here before. I have a suspicion that it could end up coming out of my wages.
There's other stuff as well, stuff that isn't related to this. I don't know why but I'm really confused right now. I have thoughts and feelings that I don't really want to have - not in the literal sense, just not now and just not in the way that I do. Its all a mess, and I feel a little bit like a moth to the flame. Its like I am bound to repeat history and almost as if I have something to prove to myself.
There is still 'the issue' that means that it is a totally impractical thing to do. I mean, this is the problem of all problems when it comes to this sort of thing. It's not like I can do anything about it and it's not like it can be overlooked or worked around. Its such a fundamental thing, I don't know how to deal with it. Head in the sand type stuff is what draws me into the flame and seems to bind me to this course. The reality is that, even if I manage to get to the point where it has to be dealt with, there is such an issue that I just cant comprehend acceptance.
(It's all cryptic isn't it! I cant even admit it to myself. I cant even bear to put it into words, yet it defines everything I do, everything I feel and the very reason that I hold myself in contempt of my own basic feelings)
The person / personality that I try to hide behind simply isn't me. It's convenient to hide behind it and try to embrace it but the truth is 'I am what I am'. There's nothing dramatic in that. It's not like it's a secret really - I've probably done a bad job of hiding it in times of challenge and shown it to enough people when I have felt safe - and despite my best efforts I have always worm my heart on my sleeve.
The honest truth is that I want 2 things more than I have ever really let on, more than I think I even realise myself. The truth it creates, when one stops to think about it, is that I am pretty screwed up.
There's other stuff as well, stuff that isn't related to this. I don't know why but I'm really confused right now. I have thoughts and feelings that I don't really want to have - not in the literal sense, just not now and just not in the way that I do. Its all a mess, and I feel a little bit like a moth to the flame. Its like I am bound to repeat history and almost as if I have something to prove to myself.
There is still 'the issue' that means that it is a totally impractical thing to do. I mean, this is the problem of all problems when it comes to this sort of thing. It's not like I can do anything about it and it's not like it can be overlooked or worked around. Its such a fundamental thing, I don't know how to deal with it. Head in the sand type stuff is what draws me into the flame and seems to bind me to this course. The reality is that, even if I manage to get to the point where it has to be dealt with, there is such an issue that I just cant comprehend acceptance.
(It's all cryptic isn't it! I cant even admit it to myself. I cant even bear to put it into words, yet it defines everything I do, everything I feel and the very reason that I hold myself in contempt of my own basic feelings)
The person / personality that I try to hide behind simply isn't me. It's convenient to hide behind it and try to embrace it but the truth is 'I am what I am'. There's nothing dramatic in that. It's not like it's a secret really - I've probably done a bad job of hiding it in times of challenge and shown it to enough people when I have felt safe - and despite my best efforts I have always worm my heart on my sleeve.
The honest truth is that I want 2 things more than I have ever really let on, more than I think I even realise myself. The truth it creates, when one stops to think about it, is that I am pretty screwed up.
Saturday, 3 November 2012
A little bit of history repeating
Why does history repeat itself? I really want to break the cycle but I just can't I feel fed up to the back teeth after today, I kinda feel like certain people are taking advantage of my good nature and the fact that I will put others first.
Work was a seriously busy day today, the weeks new products launches combines with just a little hint of Christmas fever gave us a petty large turn out and a huge number of people to serve. Along side that I cant help but feel that certain people are not pulling their weight, certainly they are not doing the level of work that I need the to in order for me not to have to carry them. In all the chaos I din't get a lunch break, seems everyone apart from me managed to get one but somehow I end up getting shafted and missing out, basically because people know that I prefer a later lunch break so they take theirs and add on a few minutes here and there. When the place is busy I cant keep an eye on where everyone is at every split second so it all comes off the rails.
Now because I am stressed out I can feel myself rushing head long into my major weakness again, the self control just peels away again. I was meant to be going over to a friends house for a firework display this evening, I really wanted to go too - but I cant be around people when that don't know me and don't understand me when I feel like this. There was only one person who ever truly got this feeling, indeed who I could ever fully express it to, and now they are gone from my life and I have to deal with it as best as I can on my own.
I can feel something coming on, which will be my way of dealing with it, it was how I used to deal with this feeling. I hate myself for the fact that I am going down this route, but it is just inevitable that it will happen, the longer I try to fight it off, the worse it will be when I do go there. Like a moth to the flame.
Work was a seriously busy day today, the weeks new products launches combines with just a little hint of Christmas fever gave us a petty large turn out and a huge number of people to serve. Along side that I cant help but feel that certain people are not pulling their weight, certainly they are not doing the level of work that I need the to in order for me not to have to carry them. In all the chaos I din't get a lunch break, seems everyone apart from me managed to get one but somehow I end up getting shafted and missing out, basically because people know that I prefer a later lunch break so they take theirs and add on a few minutes here and there. When the place is busy I cant keep an eye on where everyone is at every split second so it all comes off the rails.
Now because I am stressed out I can feel myself rushing head long into my major weakness again, the self control just peels away again. I was meant to be going over to a friends house for a firework display this evening, I really wanted to go too - but I cant be around people when that don't know me and don't understand me when I feel like this. There was only one person who ever truly got this feeling, indeed who I could ever fully express it to, and now they are gone from my life and I have to deal with it as best as I can on my own.
I can feel something coming on, which will be my way of dealing with it, it was how I used to deal with this feeling. I hate myself for the fact that I am going down this route, but it is just inevitable that it will happen, the longer I try to fight it off, the worse it will be when I do go there. Like a moth to the flame.
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