Its all so confusing...

**Post Deleted**

I really hope that things are maybe getting back to an even keel. There's been too much stuff going on over the last few weeks for me to be able to barely catch my breath! All the stuff over my Granddad is, at last, seemingly under control. I went up to see the whole family for a meal on the 25th and, although he look frail, he seems determined to get back on his feet again. I don't think he will ever get quite back to the fitness that he had previously, I guess there's been just too much water under the bridge between then and now.

Then there's my own problems. I just seems like I've been tested a fair bit recently. Pretty much everything that can go wrong has gone wrong. From the car costing far more to get serviced than I had bargained for through to having a tyre blow out on the way to work a couple of weeks ago. After that, the washing machine decided that it was going to leak its contents all over the utility room floor. Just to top it all off, I've just had to pay car MOT, tax and insurance. It's all on the credit card right now, how on earth I am going to be able to clear it off again is beyond me right now.

The fact that the car passed the MOT without needing anything else putting right is, I hope, the beginning of things starting to go right. (Famous last words?)

Its strange how life seems to come in circles like this. I mean, how finances are plentiful at one moment and then money is so hard to find the next moment. Then, how things seem to go wrong all at the same time. I cant explain it but I'd love to know.

So tonight I am going to be a little self indulgent, hopefully not too much so.

Away from public healthcare and things get better.

I think that it is a damning indictment of the public health system when as soon as someone goes private, they get the treatment that they need and immediately begin to show signs of getting better.

In sheer frustration at the appalling after care being offered by the John Radcliffe Hospital, we have moved my Granddad to a private hospital. I don't particularly agree with private healthcare, after all that's partly what I pay taxes for - not to have to pay again when healthcare is needed. And god knows my Granddad has paid more than enough tax in his time! Yet, within 24 hours of moving him, he is now eating and starting to show improvement.

So what is the miracle cure that suddenly achieves this? TIME. plain and simple. The staff in his new hospital are in sufficiently high numbers that they do not have to rush around manically, they can take the time to make sure that he is eating. He got to see a physiotherapist within the first day, something that took 4 days in the JR! Also, the staff at the new hospital are capable of understanding and communicating with him because the standard of English is that much better. There are still plenty of overseas staff working there but the standard is so much higher. One member of the staff at the JR couldn't even speak enough english to get his name right and hold a basic conversation about the level of discomfort that he was in.

So is this a lifeline that I have been praying for? this is the important thing. I don't know what to think. I want to believe that things can get back to normal but it would be so cruel to pin everything on this only to fond that things don't work out.

Cautious optimism, I think, is perhaps the way to go. but thankful none the less.

Things Aren't Getting Any Better

So a few days further down the line and what once looked like the strong beginning of my Granddads recovery is now looking like it may just be playing for time. I have to say that he looks to be slipping down hill pretty fast and, whilst I know that family and friends are making every effort possible, that is more than I can say for the hospital that he is at.

I will name and shame without compunction; The John Radcliffe Hospital in Oxford, may be one of the best hospitals in the country for clinical excellence but the nursing standards on the wards are diabolical. They do not make sure the patients eat - and if they do not they take no action. The level of care is poor, slow and at best, reactionary. There are very few nurses, and even fewer that speak English to a decent standard. Hygiene is questionable - on the occasions that I have been visiting, there have been nurses and doctors doing the rounds. Despite them all carrying hand gel with them, I haven't once seen any of them use it, even after directly treating patients with infections. There seems to be absolutely no will to treat patients as human beings with the need to interact with those around them, they simply view them as beds to be freed up and numbers to be pushed around on paper.

So that said and done, this is not helping - or asking for help - for a resolution to the situation. this all seems such a mess and the outcome does not look too rosy right now. I am sacred that we are loosing him, little by little. And the process for getting it sorted out and him into a private specialist hospital is so slow that the fear is that it may be too far down the slippery slope to begin a way back.

Not out of the woods yet

Well, I went up to Oxford last Friday and I have to say that actually, things were not as bad as I was expecting. That said, it was still a bit of a shock. I mean, my Granddad has been there all my life, never really seemed to get any older to me, and yet there he was, Smaller than I could have ever imagined, frailer than I have ever seen him before.

That said, the hospital seem to be quite positive that his condition may well be treatable. So to that extent at least, maybe and hopefully, someone is looking down and watching over him. He's got a lot of fight left in him yet so I just hope that everything works out OK and that he regains his mobility without any problems.

After I'd spent some time with him in Hospital, I got a text from my cousin as I was about to leave Oxford wanting to meet up. So I got to spend a bit of time with her and make sure that she is doing OK.

So I think that whilst I dont have an exact answer to my prayer for them just yet, I have been shown that they are doing OK and that they are being looked after in this world. God willing, that will continue and everything will have a positive outcome.

My prayers are still with Granddad and the hope for his healing. And my thanks and praise by to God for looking after him and my cousin through this time.

Time away, and the need to repent.

OK, so it's been ages since I've been on here and written anything. that's not a good thing.

Right about now, there's a whole lotta family trouble going down and I need some help. My grandfather has been admitted to hospital for a major circulation problem in his leg and an infection in his foot. I don't know here this will go in the long run. I think that there is still a chance that he may be ok but the alternatives are numerous and seem to preclude the one positive outcome. He may end up having to have an amputation, me may need an operation on his leg to clear the blocked blood vessels. The possibilities are numerous but there's only really one outcome that has a positive ending.

My Granddad is coming up 89 years old and has both asthma and heart problems. Anything that involves a general anaesthetic is a risky bThe truth is that I am scared about the outcome of all this. I don't want to loose him. I know that God chooses when to call people home, but that doesn't mean that I can't not want it to happen. The other outcomes are almost worse. i mean, at 89, he's still basically mobile. Sure, he has a fairly short walking range and has some home help but he still drives a car and is determined to get out and about as much as he can. So if he ends up with some kind of amputation that is going to put an end to all that. I mean, he's still as alert mentally as I ever remember him being, so to completely loose that mobility and all the other implications of that, are seriously scary - and I'm not having to contemplate them happening to me!

I know that my cousin is feeling it too, and I worry for her as well, she hasn't always coped with life's troubles that well and the last thing that I want is for this to set back her progress. And then there's Dad, he's with my Granddad in hospital and kicking around his house when visiting hours are out. I mean, kicking around that empty house with only him in it - that's got to feel awful, I can only begin to imagine the emotions that are going through his head.

I can't get any time away from work until Friday but as soon as I can I'll be heading up to see them all. I'm just scared of what I'll find. Like, the worst case scenario, I don't want the last memory I have of my Granddad being in a hospital bed. And now I feel guilty for even writing that on here, I don't want the worst, I don't want him to suffer, I don't want him to loose his independence. And the worst thing is that I can't do anything about it.

I'm used to problems and set backs that can be figured out, solved by throwing resources at them or working harder. This can't. I can't materially affect the outcome with any resource that I have available to me. If I could, I'd do it without question but all I can do is pray...