Stagnation?

So I had a day off today, I worked late last night on a new song.  The music is nearly done - I'll finish it tonight, then its just the lyrics.  Ive got bits and pieces so far but it should come once I'm focussing on it.  The style is really not my usual, a sort of jazz ballad, piano focussed and getting back more to my piano playing.  I am writing it for the person that I have feelings for but I don't think I will ever get to give it to them.  I think I may even try to sing the vocals myself, the we'll really see how good the auto pitch in Logic really is!  For my many skills, singing is not one of them...

Other than that my day off has been a mixed bag.  I went to the gym for the first time in years.  I joined the other day and now I have to do something with it.  If it helps to net a certain someone then that is a bonus, but in the main this one is for me.

I have to be the man I want to be before I can be the man that a partner will need me to be. (Thats some profound thought right there...)

Other than that, Dad is back in the UK tonight after 4 months travelling South America, so I am thankful for his safe return.  It seems that nothing has really changed, certainly nothing that I can put my finger on.  Ok sure, I have been pushing the weight loss a bit ( I wonder if he will notice - and if he does, will he say anything?) and my heart hands on a silken thread, but nothing has really changed that much.

That lack of progress feels like a set back, I mean, after 4 months I;d like to be able to say that something - anything - has moved forward.  I don't know.  Maybe things have changed and I just don't see them.

Lent - Day 2

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” - Matthew 11:28-30

*Puts on Northern (UK) accent*
"Its day 2 in the Big Brother (Lent) House, and James is missing his cider. The ham salad sandwiches for lunch seem to be going down ok, so the abstinence from cheese seems less of a problem. In the diary room, James has been talking to God and God has been listening. So far, God has not responded."


In all seriousness, I'd be reaching for the cider and or vodka right now if I wasn't abstaining for Lent. Valentines Day is should be one of the best of the year for a romantic like me - but it hurts so much when you are single. I absolutely rips right through you when there's someone you really want to be with but cant. It just feels so empty right now, I want to be with that person. I can't - and the fact that they are with someone else right now who I suspect is not giving them the valentines day that they deserve, is almost more that I can take.


Anyway, I think I am going to do what I do best in these situations - write a song. Putting pain and feelings into lyrics has an amazingly cathartic effect, and just occasionally I manage to come up with something half reasonable. (or at least I hope its half reasonable anyway).


I just feel totally cut up right now. I can feel a sense of self destruction coming in again. The fact that I can recognise it now means I think I am getting stronger. This feeling would have had me comfort eating and in a destructive cycle by now. I am going to eat something tonight, but I have already bought it and there is no other food available in the house so I can be sure that I cant over eat. I am not going to drink alcohol at all, the only thing I have in the house apart from vodka is wine and I will not open a bottle.


Being honest, I am hurting though.  Not a happy bunny right now.

What to do.

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.”

- Federico Garcia Lorca

This dude knows his stuff.  Right now I am seriously feeling it  I try to convince myself that I feel differently but it isn't working.  I know that the age gap would be questionable - I'd even question it myself - but the thing that makes me wonder if my feelings are real is that they are not sexually orientated.  It's difficult, im I don't feel my age physically or mentally (not that I'm that old) but it means that on a social level I have more in common with someone 10 years younger than me than I do someone of my own age.  

The thought of a physical relationship is a byproduct of an emotional one, I'd rather be cuddled up on the couch in each others arms than between the sheets, to put it bluntly.  I have not once considered a carnal act, I just want to be with them.  I want a relationship on an emotional level before anything else.  Whilst I find them physically attractive (that's an understatement - they're stunning!) the truth is I am more interested in their personality and the fact that we just 'click'.  When I first met them, I thought they were attractive, but thought little more of it.  Once I got to know them that is when feelings began to develop.  WHat really concerns me here is that it all seems to be a little bit of history repeating itself on my part.  I haven't chosen this, I didn't really want this and I am still trying to find ways of convincing myself that I don't want it still.

But here we are, many personality attributes turn out to be the same, the feelings are the same, the way I feel when they are not around is the same, scarier still, the way things are developing are the same in many respects, apart from the fact that this time they are with someone else, which might just be the saving element of all this, I can't even think about saying anything - if indeed I ever would - whilst they are with someone else.  All I know is I would gladly give up everything for a chance - and that is another ting that seems to be repeating itself.  Why do I never learn from my mistakes?  Why does the first person that I develop feelings for after the past is trully over, turn out to be so out of reach?

G absolutely broke my heart, frankly ripped it to shreds.  That is gone and done - in the past and I am healed.  N showed me that it is time to move on and that I can find someone else and have feelings again.  So why does the first person who I find, who I actually accept whole-heartedly, without comparing them to anyone else, have to be so unobtainable.

This is crazy, it cannot be.  I just wish it could.

Praying for guidance doesn't exactly help, especially when they're loaded prayers.

"Lord I want your will, but please can your will be for me to get what I want" is not exactly the right thing to be praying.

If it can;t be or isn't going to be - I just wish I didn't feel like I do.

Lent

So what do I pray for over Lent?  There is the obvious thing that I should be praying for others, known to me and further afield.  But maybe this can also be a time when I can pray for me and my spirit.  I feel like I have been preparing for something recently - the sudden drive to loose weight - and the fact that it is actually working this time too; My resurgence in Faith.  It never left me completely but being brought someone new to share it with and to show me that I can 'live in the open' and be honest about it rather than hiding it at work.  So all this preparation, and I feel good about it.  When I feel hungry now I don't feel it as hunger, it is not uncomfortable.  When someone notices my cross or wrist band i feel empowered by it.

So anyway, Lent.  I have made my choices.  One was suggested by a friend and actually, the more I think about it, the more it seems a very clever choice that will actually force me to think about what I am doing and why.  Their suggestion was 'Cheese'.  Doesn't seem much, until I think about how often I eat it and how much I like it.  Pizza is an all time favourite with me so that's out.  I have it every day in my sandwiches for work, so I'll have to rethink those too.  I love a bit of cheese and red wine - can't do that either.  So every day I will have something to remind me and for me to focus on.  It is so easy at work just to loose focus on things once in a while and maybe this will help ground me.

I'm also giving up my 2 favourite tipples - cider and vodka.  I've cut my drinking down a lot recently but these are my 2 favourites so I will give those up for Lent also.

My final sacrifice is to give up 1 hour per day of TV/Web surfing time to read the Bible and Pray.  Something that I must confess I have not done for a while.  Sure I have said a few prayers for people close to me when I have felt that they needed it, I have certainly said a few recently for things that I want.  But I haven't really stopped and just Prayed to be in the presence of the Lord and to focus on Him.

There's also an interesting web site that I have found: What To Give Up For Lent which had a daily sacrifice to follow as well. I will also be doing this.

Other than that I have decided that any bonus I earn from direct sales at work (otherwise known as 0.1% of the store takings) will be given to charity.  I haven't decided what charity yet, all I know is I want it to be local and actually do something for people.  Maybe a Christian charity that works with the homeless or something like that.  I will look and see what I can find.

So those are my Lent choices.  God willing I will be strong and complete them.

So, for Shrove Tuesday, I will be having the traditional pancakes, washed down with my last bottle of cider for 40 days.