WWJD?

Seriously though, what would Jesus do?

We (Christians) use this question as a point to spark positive thought in line with out beliefs and as a way of deciding to avoid what is wrong and sinful.  But do we ever really stop and think what Jesus would really do?

I men, lets take a real hot potato right now - the position of Women Priests within the Church.  Now - I want to make my position clear right from the start, I am all in favour of women priests - provided it is Gods will (and there's no reason why it wouldn't be).  BUT, those who are against cite passages from the Bible as their evidence for their view.  So what if that is the case for real?  There are some pretty obvious examples of women not being chosen in the Bible.  That is mostly because of the social climate at the time I suspect.  The thing is though, would Jesus move with the times and accept this in a modern climate?  Or are the rules set down then still a requirement today?

And what about other areas that are contentious?  Homosexuality for example.  We seek to embrace and treat our neighbours as ourselves, we accept and minister to others in Jesus name, in the belief that He would welcome all those who turn to him.  But what if we are wrong?  What would Jesus do?  Would he embrace and now decide something that was once a sin, is now acceptable?  In that case, where does it leave other instances of God's law, such as not having sex without marriage?  All this is the word of the Lord, I cannot imagine that it is 'negotiable'.

So where does that leave me (and every other Christian?)  I want to love my life by Gods rules to the best of my ability, I am not one to discriminate against people, and I don't accept people that do - but in both a literal interpretation and a historical interpretation of Christianity, these things are quite prominent.

It's so easy to 'update' theological beliefs to fit with the modern acceptances of society, but are we simply trying to turn a blind eye to a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah or are we justified?

When my time comes and I am called home, will I stand judgement to be told "You did not follow my rules, you followed your own interpretation of them."?  Would I be told "You discriminated against others when you should have followed the spirit of my will"?

Jesus accepted all who came to him, but they had to repent of their sins and take up their cross.  Is our sin loosening the rules to match our society when we should be using the rules to build our society?  Or   is our sin refusing to adapt the rules in the spirit of God's love, when we could engage a much wider range of society?

So it isn't easy, we Just don't know what Jesus would do.  We know what he did and what he taught them.  We know both the word of the Law but also the spirit in which it was written and it seems to me that sometimes they can give different interpretations.  The truth is that no-one knows.  And it is so easy to use the claim of WWJD to justify what we want to do, not what God would have us do.

I want to do God's will and I don't want to discriminate against people.  I am sure God would not want that either - Jesus taught we should love our neighbours as ourselves, but what if there is a line between loving our neighbour, who may fall into one or more of the areas that I have mentioned, and allowing them to become part of the Church.

I cannot honestly believe that God would turn away anyone who came to him through Jesus, but it is so easy to side step the challenge to sin and seek acceptance without change.

Its just so difficult to not have second thoughts about where the line is between that which can be interpreted and adapted and that which is set in stone.

Getting all emotional again

Sunday was an amazing day for me - I  became a Godfather for the first time, to my best friend's youngest.  To some people I guess that it isn't a big deal but to me it's really important.  One thing that I think I am realising is that I am actually now as ready as I will ever be for children of my own.  Only thing is, the person that I can't help but think about having them with.

I need to get my head straight.  To say that I am feeling broody is an understatement but its the rest of it that seems so hard.  My heart is giving me  away again.  As much as my God daughter is important to me in a way that no-one else is, I want a family of my own and the person that I have feelings for is pretty much everything that I would ever want the mother of my child to be.

But I really can't be thinking like this anymore.  No matter how much  have prayed for it - and Lord knows, I have prayed enough - it doesn't seem like it is in His plan.  And the person that I want seems to be happy with who they are with.  I would't want them to be unhappy either.  So what I am left with is the basic option that has been in front of me all this time.  Get myself fit and in good shape so that I have confidence and deserve what I am asking for, and then look for someone that might actually be available.

So I guess that, really, not much has changed, other than I am now really broody to add to the confusion in my head.

What I need to do is take some of this confusion and turn it against myself.  I feel like crying right now - and I don't really know what for, or what about.  It just seems like a well of emotions that need to be let out some how.   I need to take that and turn it towards myself.  I can see the signs of what in the past could trigger a binge eating session, a sort of urge to self harm though food.  I need / want to take that urge and turn it back on myself in the sense that the power of that urge is put into not eating and the self destructive notion becomes exercise at the gym.

All I really want right now is someone to cuddle up to and have them tell me that they care about me.  I guess I am just feeling a little bit vulnerable and a bit lonely right now.

Feeling a little empty

I have to say that I am feeling a little empty right now.  There's a sense of lethargy that I haven't felt for a while.  I only managed 45 minutes down the gym tonight for the sake of feeling tired and lethargic.  And now Im home, putting down these words when I really ought to be doing some paperwork for work.  What I really want is to leave all this behind and just get to an emotionally even keel.

I feeling pretty fed up with waiting at the moment - patience has never been one of my strong points, especially with things that seem to really plod.  I just want to fast forward through time, I guess about 6 months or so would do it.  Past the point where I have to cope with a certain someone going out of my life, to the point in time when I have lost enough weight not to be classed as 'fat' any more.  I have been slowly chugging away at the weight loss thing and can now proudly say that I have managed to loose 2 stone since Boxing Day.  Most weeks I am still managing the two pounds but it just feels so slow.  I cant really see / feel that much of a change most of the time.  Occasionally something comes along that makes me realise that I have lost weight and can now do something that I could not before, or I can fit into clothes that haven't fitted me for a while.  If I can keep this up then I should be at or near my target weight in another 6 months, and the maybe I will be confident enough to actually meet someone and do something about what I really want out of life - a wife and family.

At the moment though I am still fat.  Despite the progress, and the positivity that I try to gain from that, I just want to get rid of it all now.  I don't have a problem with people being whatever size they are - as long as they are happy.

I used to pretend I was happy with my size until I was enlightened and came to see that I was self harming and binge eating.  Now I am most definitely not happy with my size - it is a constant reminder of the abuse that sparked the cycle of harm and the years that I proliferated it.  I hate what I see around the person that is inside.  I don't hate myself, I hate the layer of fat that stops the person inside me from being free.

I don't want to be ungrateful, there are many people who are really struggling to loose weight and so far it hasn't been as hard a challenge as perhaps it might be (and may yet become).  I don't want to play down what I have achieved.

The only way I can describe it is that it is like Christmas, when you know what you will get because you asked for it long in advance.  You build up to that big moment when you get what you want but you just want time to rush by quicker.  It doesn't mean that you don't appreciate the anticipation, you just wish time would go by quicker to get to the end reward.

One day I WILL be a normal weight, one day I WILL accept that I deserve to be loved as a person, one day I WILL have the confidence in my own appearance and my own worthiness to do something about finding a long term relationship.

God Willing.

The rambled rantings of a madman

Ok, so my reality cheque just bounced....

Seriously though,  the one I have feelings for is away on holiday for then next week.  They've only been gone a day - heck- I even saw them briefly this morning, and I feel  a sense of loss.  I;m sure that this early on, most of it is psychosomatic and has very little foundation in reality.  But the truth is this.  Regardless of how I feel about them, they brighten my day like no other.  They put a smile on my face at times when I have no right to be happy.  They make me want to be a better person, they make me want to love them.

So its only a week - that's what I;m telling myself.  On the assumption that nothing happens - and to be fair, why would it? - how am I going to cope when they go off to uni?  I guess the answer is that it will cut me up for a fair while, but I will find a way of numbing it.

I think I have pretty much reached a stage of reckoning that I would rather keep them as a friend than loose them altogether - so when they go to uni, I would want to keep in touch.  But all of this is so one sided.  Look back as far as you like on here and it is all "I want", "I pray" this, that and the other.  Although it is forever on my mind, not once have I stopped on here to really vocalise a care about what they want, how they are feeling.

And beside all this there is 14 years...  OMFG, 14 YEARS!  that is just SO wrong when you put it like that.  But numbers are one thing and personal connection is another.  but still - that makes me feel so dirty for even allowing my mind to go there.  I mean, 3 years nab,  3 years and someone that I have feelings for as a person would be under age.  Shit, I'm no sicko.  I cant cope with it like that.  I just take the person at face value and there we have it.  But is that the same kind of twisted rationale that makes these 'people' think the way that they do?

Oh, mon Jesu, this makes no sense.
thoughts, feelings, emotions
I've almost forgotten what a clear head is.
First the hurt of the past,
Now the feelings I have in the present
Dare I ask about the future?!
I know what I want, but I question if it is right.
I know how I feel, but  do I have a right to feel like that?
you can see my inner most thoughts and feelings
I canot hide from you
Please make this right, either cleanse me of these thoughts
or bring this feeling to fruition.

In Jesus name