Ok, I was working today when a certain someone came in. I mentioned in my last post that they've had a make over and are looking good - well they came in today and yup, they look fantastic! So there they were, right before me - looking oh so good. But they've just come out of a long term relationship and therefore I couldn't say anything even if I had the balls to.
So there we go - I realised I had an inters when they were working with me but couldn't because they were with someone and we worked together. Both of those obstacles are out of the way now but I don't know how they feel about me, and frankly i don't think that I have the confidence to actually say anything anyway. The more i look at myself in the mirror, the more I realise that I have a long way to go before I feel that I can have confidence on my appearance. I still have a lot of stomach fat to loose. I may have lost 5 stone and reached 13 stone in weight but that extra stone and a half to two stone is really noticeable to me. I need to get rid of it weigh a vengeance.
Maybe this is the prod I need to make me go the extra mile. I know who I want a chance to be with now. I don't really want to get into online dating at the moment, I want a chance to see if there is something here that might happen. So that means two things.
Firstly I need to double down and really push to get rid of the extra weight. I don't know how much less I can eat in a day and how much more exercise I can pack into a week but I think I need to push harder and see what i can do. I have been pretty weak and lax recently. I need to push on and toughen up on myself. I am sure that I can drop a naughty night each week and stop at one. I am also sure that I can regain the motivation not to eat in the evening. Recently I have been having a little snack when I have got back from the gym and whilst i have been under my RDA for calories still it has reduced the speed at which I have lost weight. I want and need to feel confident in my appearance, and be desirable to her. I need to look good. I have to force myself on, motivate myself to go even further and even harder - as the saying goes... "Go hard or go home!"
Secondly, I need to reevaluate and reprogram my thoughts and expectations in terms of relationships. I seem to be so quick to jump at things right now, almost overkill. no one is going to want to be with someone who is rushing at the speed that I seem to gallop ahead at. I need to reign myself in and learn to move at a sensible speed instead of assuming that whatever stage of feelings that I am at, other people are automatically going to mirror them.
I need to go back to basics - deconstruct the person that I am and reconstruct the person that they can fall for.
It's all a bit of a mess but at the same time I feel motivated to really push for what I want.
Lord, what is in front of me shows me what I want.
Is this meant to be?
I know it has re-motivated me and that can only be positive
Please give me the strength though your grace to actually stick with this new motivation.
In a way I don't mind if this isn't meant to be, if it is your will.
But please bring someone into my life.
It's really time now. I don't want to be on my own anymore.
IJN, Amen
Sunday 19 January 2014
Saturday 18 January 2014
4 (emotional) seasons in one (crap) day
O...M...G... what a day. I feel really down right now. It was all going so well until the end of the day - but bizarrely enough it was a mistake that I made at the beginning of the day that destroyed the end of the day. Basically, I managed to undercharge a customer's card but a substantial amount.
It could well be recoverable, but there is also a chance that it may not be. Primarily I am really annoyed at myself for making such a stupid mistake. Secondarily I am pretty worried that if it isn;t recoverable, I will end up with a strike against my record and have the short fall taken out of my wages, something that I can ill afford to happen.
It's another one of those days when i could really do with coming home to a cuddle and a loving pair of arms.
And thereby hangs another issue, I have had a quick look at the options as far as dating goes, bottom line - I don't have the money to pay for a subscription to a dating site let alone enough money to actually afford to go out on dates to meet anyone that's mad enough to be interested in me.
Prior to all the stuff hitting the fan, it was actually a reasonable day as far as work was going. Not a high-rolling day for the money but not too many difficult customers... and then I look on Facebook and find that a certain someone who I like (and is recently single) had posted a picture of themselves looking nothing short of amazing... I wish...
So all in all, I'm pretty fed up right now. I've been up and down all day, feeling emotion at times, feeling so depressed and fed up with myself at times too. I could quite happily wish the next few days past. In fact, let's make it a cool week. Just press fast forward... At leas then I'd know the outcome of all this crap.
It could well be recoverable, but there is also a chance that it may not be. Primarily I am really annoyed at myself for making such a stupid mistake. Secondarily I am pretty worried that if it isn;t recoverable, I will end up with a strike against my record and have the short fall taken out of my wages, something that I can ill afford to happen.
It's another one of those days when i could really do with coming home to a cuddle and a loving pair of arms.
And thereby hangs another issue, I have had a quick look at the options as far as dating goes, bottom line - I don't have the money to pay for a subscription to a dating site let alone enough money to actually afford to go out on dates to meet anyone that's mad enough to be interested in me.
Prior to all the stuff hitting the fan, it was actually a reasonable day as far as work was going. Not a high-rolling day for the money but not too many difficult customers... and then I look on Facebook and find that a certain someone who I like (and is recently single) had posted a picture of themselves looking nothing short of amazing... I wish...
So all in all, I'm pretty fed up right now. I've been up and down all day, feeling emotion at times, feeling so depressed and fed up with myself at times too. I could quite happily wish the next few days past. In fact, let's make it a cool week. Just press fast forward... At leas then I'd know the outcome of all this crap.
Sunday 5 January 2014
Curious...
"Curiouser and curiouser", thought Alice, as she took the the little white pill with the Mitsubishi logo on it... "Oh My, so many colours..." she enthused, as she slipped deeper and deeper into her new world...
Apart from that, something truly curious and perhaps, inspirational has come to light. Whilst it is not something that I would have exactly wished for, it appears that someone I have had an interest in for a while has become recently single. She's come out of a long term relationship so I don't think I can get any ideas rightly soon. I think maybe in the future I might look to see if the time is right. I would certainly hope so. I have had a thing for her for a long time and it would be absolutely amazing if there might be a chance to see what might be.
That said, to jump right in to something like this might just be too much. I mean, I'm rusty to say the least when it comes to relationships and romance. I have good intentions and I want to make it happen but the bottom line is that I have been single for so long that I can't exactly say that I am 'well practiced' in these matters. Maybe it is time to actually pull my finger out and look into this online dating malarkey. If I happen to find the right person while I am at it then that is all good. If I don't find the right person, at least I will have chance to make a few mistakes and learn from them - hopeful not hurting anyone else in the process. I guess I'll just have to see where everything goes.
Before any of this came to light, I found myself wondering something the other night... There was someone that I was all into a few months ago, and this person - who I first met a couple of years ago. I found myself wondering - day dreaming. I have to say that I was slightly surprised what conclusions I came to. The one I keep thinking about from time to time is not the one that I would have initially thought I would. But then again, it's less infatuation and more about a long term thing.
Who knows, it's got me thinking though. And I'm thinking that it's time... I just wish I was in better physical shape. I don't know any more. I'm on new ground and I'm pretty unsure of where I'm going. Let the adventure begin...
Apart from that, something truly curious and perhaps, inspirational has come to light. Whilst it is not something that I would have exactly wished for, it appears that someone I have had an interest in for a while has become recently single. She's come out of a long term relationship so I don't think I can get any ideas rightly soon. I think maybe in the future I might look to see if the time is right. I would certainly hope so. I have had a thing for her for a long time and it would be absolutely amazing if there might be a chance to see what might be.
That said, to jump right in to something like this might just be too much. I mean, I'm rusty to say the least when it comes to relationships and romance. I have good intentions and I want to make it happen but the bottom line is that I have been single for so long that I can't exactly say that I am 'well practiced' in these matters. Maybe it is time to actually pull my finger out and look into this online dating malarkey. If I happen to find the right person while I am at it then that is all good. If I don't find the right person, at least I will have chance to make a few mistakes and learn from them - hopeful not hurting anyone else in the process. I guess I'll just have to see where everything goes.
Before any of this came to light, I found myself wondering something the other night... There was someone that I was all into a few months ago, and this person - who I first met a couple of years ago. I found myself wondering - day dreaming. I have to say that I was slightly surprised what conclusions I came to. The one I keep thinking about from time to time is not the one that I would have initially thought I would. But then again, it's less infatuation and more about a long term thing.
Who knows, it's got me thinking though. And I'm thinking that it's time... I just wish I was in better physical shape. I don't know any more. I'm on new ground and I'm pretty unsure of where I'm going. Let the adventure begin...
Wednesday 1 January 2014
2013 review / New years resolutions
OK, so I'm starting the new year with a glass of champagne for breakfast - dart the way you mean to go on as far as I'm concerned. Then it'll be roast duck for lunch, cooked by my own hand... It's all starting to be a yearly tradition.
Anyway to the review. Looking back at what I said this time last year, there were a few areas that I challenged myself on:
1. Eating. - Doing well, I have managed to pretty much stick to 5 controlled days and 2 naughty days per week. There's been the occasional slip- and the occasional deliberate subversion of the rules. Anyway, mission accomplished.
2. Drinking. - so I'm now down to drinking 2 nights per week, usually on the 'naughty' days, with food, but occasionally I have separated them.
3. Hygiene. - Big change, I have re-discovered Lush bath bombs! More than happy to spend hours in the bath now! Only down side is that my water bill has gone up as a result!
4. Exercise. - BIG WIN! I've been going to the gym regularly, usually around 3 times a week, commitments permitting. The results have been astounding - I have lost 4st 13lb in a year! I was so desperately trying to get to the 5stone mark but ultimately I am not going to lie or cheat myself. I missed the 5 stone (just) but it's still an epic win. I also have the beginnings of a 'body' starting to develop, my weight living capacity has improved vastly and I have some serious muscle tone underneath once I can shift the rest of the fat.
Also this year a truly unexpected event has happened. What started as a major threat to life stability ahas turned out to be a massive opportunity for progress. I now own my own home. Having been given notice to vacate due to the land lady selling up, I was able to put together the finances to purchase the property myself.
I have also managed to achieve another big move forward - I have sorted out my long term finances with various investments and protections, through the advice of my finical adviser, plus I managed to get shares in the Post Office.
SO all in all, it's been a year of good achievement and of notable progress.
I think at this point I need to stop and give thanks to God for what I have received. I am truly grateful. I think that I have achieved much of this through my own effort, but with the Lords grace and favour to provide the opportunities and to give me the strength to actually see through the intentions that I have started with so many times before.
SO we move on to this year, the big '14... What am I going to target myself to achieve? What will I ask the Lord to give me the strength and opportunity to achieve?
Well, I think I want to carry on with the weight loss a little further, I have come so far but not yet reached my target goal. I also need to make good on a 'pinky swear' that I made with a friend - to actually bite the bullet and get into online dating and begin the process of finding a partner.
So in short, I think 2014 is a year of consolidation in many respects. Last year I changed who I physically am, this year I need to learn to accept that, become confident in that and begin to realise the worth in it. And so I set my goals thusly;
Weight / Gym:
To loose a further amount of weight with a joint goal of reaching either 11.5 stone (a 1 stone 8 lb reduction from where I am) OR to reach 25% body fat (currently 32%). I choose this as a joint goal as I also intend to focus far more on the body building and weight lifting which will result in some muscle gain and increase in weight through that.
To reach a stage where I am confident enough to go shirtless when I am on holiday in France next year - subjective I know - and I'm the one used to using SMART objectives! However, it's important for 2 reasons, firstly it's an obvious visual measure of my success, but secondly it's also a confidence thing...
Lord, please grant me the self belief and confidence to achieve this.
Personal Life
To find the right place to start looking for love online, to avoid the meat market of the less moral on line dating sites in the hope of finding someone with similar values who might actually be interested in me as a person.
Lord, please grant me the guidance to avoid situations that would have me compromise my moral values and show me to somewhere that I may actually find people that I have a chance of happiness with.
Other
To consolidate on what I have achieved in 2013, to make good to those who have helped me along the way and to make sure that what I have is secure.
Lord, you gave me so much last year and I am truly thankful. Please help me to get back to my Faith and the strength that it gives me, to find the way forward to people that I can share my life with.
Please help me to appreciate what I have and to see the way forward to better myself and be happy.
It's a selfish ask, I know, but once I am strong, I can use that strength to help others.
IJN, Amen
Anyway to the review. Looking back at what I said this time last year, there were a few areas that I challenged myself on:
1. Eating. - Doing well, I have managed to pretty much stick to 5 controlled days and 2 naughty days per week. There's been the occasional slip- and the occasional deliberate subversion of the rules. Anyway, mission accomplished.
2. Drinking. - so I'm now down to drinking 2 nights per week, usually on the 'naughty' days, with food, but occasionally I have separated them.
3. Hygiene. - Big change, I have re-discovered Lush bath bombs! More than happy to spend hours in the bath now! Only down side is that my water bill has gone up as a result!
4. Exercise. - BIG WIN! I've been going to the gym regularly, usually around 3 times a week, commitments permitting. The results have been astounding - I have lost 4st 13lb in a year! I was so desperately trying to get to the 5stone mark but ultimately I am not going to lie or cheat myself. I missed the 5 stone (just) but it's still an epic win. I also have the beginnings of a 'body' starting to develop, my weight living capacity has improved vastly and I have some serious muscle tone underneath once I can shift the rest of the fat.
Also this year a truly unexpected event has happened. What started as a major threat to life stability ahas turned out to be a massive opportunity for progress. I now own my own home. Having been given notice to vacate due to the land lady selling up, I was able to put together the finances to purchase the property myself.
I have also managed to achieve another big move forward - I have sorted out my long term finances with various investments and protections, through the advice of my finical adviser, plus I managed to get shares in the Post Office.
SO all in all, it's been a year of good achievement and of notable progress.
I think at this point I need to stop and give thanks to God for what I have received. I am truly grateful. I think that I have achieved much of this through my own effort, but with the Lords grace and favour to provide the opportunities and to give me the strength to actually see through the intentions that I have started with so many times before.
SO we move on to this year, the big '14... What am I going to target myself to achieve? What will I ask the Lord to give me the strength and opportunity to achieve?
Well, I think I want to carry on with the weight loss a little further, I have come so far but not yet reached my target goal. I also need to make good on a 'pinky swear' that I made with a friend - to actually bite the bullet and get into online dating and begin the process of finding a partner.
So in short, I think 2014 is a year of consolidation in many respects. Last year I changed who I physically am, this year I need to learn to accept that, become confident in that and begin to realise the worth in it. And so I set my goals thusly;
Weight / Gym:
To loose a further amount of weight with a joint goal of reaching either 11.5 stone (a 1 stone 8 lb reduction from where I am) OR to reach 25% body fat (currently 32%). I choose this as a joint goal as I also intend to focus far more on the body building and weight lifting which will result in some muscle gain and increase in weight through that.
To reach a stage where I am confident enough to go shirtless when I am on holiday in France next year - subjective I know - and I'm the one used to using SMART objectives! However, it's important for 2 reasons, firstly it's an obvious visual measure of my success, but secondly it's also a confidence thing...
Lord, please grant me the self belief and confidence to achieve this.
Personal Life
To find the right place to start looking for love online, to avoid the meat market of the less moral on line dating sites in the hope of finding someone with similar values who might actually be interested in me as a person.
Lord, please grant me the guidance to avoid situations that would have me compromise my moral values and show me to somewhere that I may actually find people that I have a chance of happiness with.
Other
To consolidate on what I have achieved in 2013, to make good to those who have helped me along the way and to make sure that what I have is secure.
Lord, you gave me so much last year and I am truly thankful. Please help me to get back to my Faith and the strength that it gives me, to find the way forward to people that I can share my life with.
Please help me to appreciate what I have and to see the way forward to better myself and be happy.
It's a selfish ask, I know, but once I am strong, I can use that strength to help others.
IJN, Amen
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