Oh man, the body might have been removed on Sunday night but now that the door has been broken in and the seal in it compromised the stench that is filling the hallway now is ridiculous. It's so bad that I haven't been out of the flat today because I don't want to plough through the smell.
I've put scented oils in the hall near the door and that seems to have held the smell at any for now. So anyway, since Sunday night when the police forced entry, there's been not activity there at all. I don't know what protocol is for this sort of situation, not ever having been here before, but would seriously thought that someone would have been in to clean the place up by now. In the interests in environmental health, if nothing else.
Not the start to the weeks holiday that I was looking for...
Tuesday, 20 May 2014
Monday, 19 May 2014
You couldn't script this shit...
Oh dude, where to begin?! you couldn't script this shit if your life depended on it. Straight to the headline, so to speak:
The od guy in the apartment opposite me is dead, he was lying in his apartment for 5-6 weeks, undiscovered.
OK, so that's the headline, but there's much more to it than that. Basically, she I came home last night, I looked up at his window for some reason. I saw it crawling with flies - I mean hundreds of them. So I looked diagonally across from my bedroom window to his living room window - it's not a clear view, but it was more than enough. The window ledge was covered with so many dead flies that the paintwork was hardly visible.
Backtracking, I hadn't seen the guy for a number of weeks - but then the last conversation that I had with him, he told me he had just bought a new house in another part of the city. I've also been working pretty much every hour that I can at work too. So combined together, I was aware that I hadn't seen him in a while, but equally I wasn't expecting to, nor was I counting days since I last saw him.
What I'm really dealing with here are my excuses for not noticing quicker, that somehow might make me feel a little less guilty for the fact that I let my neighbours' dead body go undiscovered for 5-6 weeks dimly because I did not piece together all the clues.
And the clues were there, with hindsight. Hindsight, always 20/20, never failing and completely logical and rational. So, with such valiant vision, here are the clues:
He was unseen by me for many days, certainly weeks.
The communal hallways had a smell of "bins" that came and went over the course of the last few days.
Despite the last conversation that he was moving out, I never saw any real evidence that he had moved.
So there we go, with that miracle of hindsight, nice and easy to deduce, my dear Watson. It should have all set alarm bells ringing far sooner than it actually did. I feel so guilty for not realising sooner. Yet also so angry that there were clearly no fiends or family that were there to help him..
So anyway, I called the police out last night on the basis of the evidence that I had seen. they forced and entry and found what remained of him in there. God rest his soul.
So we skip forward to today, and now that the seal is broken on the door and there is airflow thorough the apartment, the acrid, putrid stench is everywhere. It is in the hallway and seeping into my apartment. Not just mine, everybody else's for that matter. It just seems such a dark thing ti happen, like something from a TV show. My head can't rely cope with it, nor can my sense of smell if I am being flippant.
i feel so sorry for the guy, that it came to this - that his life ended like this. He was only in his early 60's. That said, he was a heavy drinker - to the point of having a problem with it - and he was really unsteady on his feet. So what it really triggers off in me is this:
I feel upset that it has happened
I feel sorry for I'm and pray for his soul
I feel guilty that I did not piece together everything sooner
I feel scared that, in many years time, that could be me.
Right now I have no one who is of a similar age or younger that would be there to help me in old age, that could so easily be me in so many levels. Ok, I am not an alcoholic, I have family around men at the moment but that can change. I don;t think, God willing, I would become an d alcoholic, but all my family network are older than me. At this rate the time will come then I am on my own with no one else around me to help me through.
I need to find a partner and spawn some offspring as soon as possible.
Arthur McCarten, RIP - I was 'only' a neighbour, Lord knows I tried to do that right, but you still passed and I could't stop it.
May the lord keep you safe in heaven for eternity.
The od guy in the apartment opposite me is dead, he was lying in his apartment for 5-6 weeks, undiscovered.
OK, so that's the headline, but there's much more to it than that. Basically, she I came home last night, I looked up at his window for some reason. I saw it crawling with flies - I mean hundreds of them. So I looked diagonally across from my bedroom window to his living room window - it's not a clear view, but it was more than enough. The window ledge was covered with so many dead flies that the paintwork was hardly visible.
Backtracking, I hadn't seen the guy for a number of weeks - but then the last conversation that I had with him, he told me he had just bought a new house in another part of the city. I've also been working pretty much every hour that I can at work too. So combined together, I was aware that I hadn't seen him in a while, but equally I wasn't expecting to, nor was I counting days since I last saw him.
What I'm really dealing with here are my excuses for not noticing quicker, that somehow might make me feel a little less guilty for the fact that I let my neighbours' dead body go undiscovered for 5-6 weeks dimly because I did not piece together all the clues.
And the clues were there, with hindsight. Hindsight, always 20/20, never failing and completely logical and rational. So, with such valiant vision, here are the clues:
He was unseen by me for many days, certainly weeks.
The communal hallways had a smell of "bins" that came and went over the course of the last few days.
Despite the last conversation that he was moving out, I never saw any real evidence that he had moved.
So there we go, with that miracle of hindsight, nice and easy to deduce, my dear Watson. It should have all set alarm bells ringing far sooner than it actually did. I feel so guilty for not realising sooner. Yet also so angry that there were clearly no fiends or family that were there to help him..
So anyway, I called the police out last night on the basis of the evidence that I had seen. they forced and entry and found what remained of him in there. God rest his soul.
So we skip forward to today, and now that the seal is broken on the door and there is airflow thorough the apartment, the acrid, putrid stench is everywhere. It is in the hallway and seeping into my apartment. Not just mine, everybody else's for that matter. It just seems such a dark thing ti happen, like something from a TV show. My head can't rely cope with it, nor can my sense of smell if I am being flippant.
i feel so sorry for the guy, that it came to this - that his life ended like this. He was only in his early 60's. That said, he was a heavy drinker - to the point of having a problem with it - and he was really unsteady on his feet. So what it really triggers off in me is this:
I feel upset that it has happened
I feel sorry for I'm and pray for his soul
I feel guilty that I did not piece together everything sooner
I feel scared that, in many years time, that could be me.
Right now I have no one who is of a similar age or younger that would be there to help me in old age, that could so easily be me in so many levels. Ok, I am not an alcoholic, I have family around men at the moment but that can change. I don;t think, God willing, I would become an d alcoholic, but all my family network are older than me. At this rate the time will come then I am on my own with no one else around me to help me through.
I need to find a partner and spawn some offspring as soon as possible.
Arthur McCarten, RIP - I was 'only' a neighbour, Lord knows I tried to do that right, but you still passed and I could't stop it.
May the lord keep you safe in heaven for eternity.
Wednesday, 9 April 2014
Update
Ok, so I don't really know where to begin but I feel like an update is probably due. So, in no particular order…
Lent is actually really irritating me this year. What should be a moment of spiritual strength and growth is just really grating at the moment. I will see it through but it is just not having the desired effect. I just feel really lack-lustre at the moment. I am struggling to find the energy to train effectively at the gym as well. I can't help but wonder if it is some kind of dietary thing. Maybe I am not eating enough of the right thing. I am taking vitamin and iron supplements as I know that I am on a restricted intake so I don't think that it would be that. The only other thing that has changed in my diet recently is the removal of cheese for Lent. But calcium deficiency does't cause lack of energy does it? Maybe it does. Might be time to start drinking more milk to try and compensate for the lack of cheese. The only other thing that it might be, is that I used to eat a banana for breakfast and recently I have not been - basically because I haven't been feeling hungry. I guess that I will have to try to get back into the habit.
Other than that, I just want the summer to hurry up - I am itching to get the balcony planted up and looking good again. The car is about to cost me a packet I think, it's that time again - insurance, tam, service, MOT and breakdown cover. All in the same month! And then the motorbike is due service and MOT the month after, and I am going on holiday so will have to find some money for that too…
Weight wise, I am now down to 12 stone 2 lbs - slowly creeping down but it is harder and harder work to keep any kind of momentum. At the same time, my lifting ability is ebbing away on a couple of excursuses, mainly the chest based ones - bench press, pecs etc. So I am trying to eat plenty of protein to support the excursuses that I am doing, but trying to keep down my overall intake to facilitate weight loss. It seems the be reaching the point where the two are nearly incompatible. The amount that I am eating at the moment (or not eating to be precise) is really not helpful. I am way under calorie count most days and I am definitely under all other RDAs. I just wish that I could loose the remaining stone and a half to get down to my ideal weight.
All in all, it's a pretty trying time and I am feeling seriously 'meh' about it all at the moment. Nothing is going wrong per se, but things aren't exactly a bed of roses either.
Lent is actually really irritating me this year. What should be a moment of spiritual strength and growth is just really grating at the moment. I will see it through but it is just not having the desired effect. I just feel really lack-lustre at the moment. I am struggling to find the energy to train effectively at the gym as well. I can't help but wonder if it is some kind of dietary thing. Maybe I am not eating enough of the right thing. I am taking vitamin and iron supplements as I know that I am on a restricted intake so I don't think that it would be that. The only other thing that has changed in my diet recently is the removal of cheese for Lent. But calcium deficiency does't cause lack of energy does it? Maybe it does. Might be time to start drinking more milk to try and compensate for the lack of cheese. The only other thing that it might be, is that I used to eat a banana for breakfast and recently I have not been - basically because I haven't been feeling hungry. I guess that I will have to try to get back into the habit.
Other than that, I just want the summer to hurry up - I am itching to get the balcony planted up and looking good again. The car is about to cost me a packet I think, it's that time again - insurance, tam, service, MOT and breakdown cover. All in the same month! And then the motorbike is due service and MOT the month after, and I am going on holiday so will have to find some money for that too…
Weight wise, I am now down to 12 stone 2 lbs - slowly creeping down but it is harder and harder work to keep any kind of momentum. At the same time, my lifting ability is ebbing away on a couple of excursuses, mainly the chest based ones - bench press, pecs etc. So I am trying to eat plenty of protein to support the excursuses that I am doing, but trying to keep down my overall intake to facilitate weight loss. It seems the be reaching the point where the two are nearly incompatible. The amount that I am eating at the moment (or not eating to be precise) is really not helpful. I am way under calorie count most days and I am definitely under all other RDAs. I just wish that I could loose the remaining stone and a half to get down to my ideal weight.
All in all, it's a pretty trying time and I am feeling seriously 'meh' about it all at the moment. Nothing is going wrong per se, but things aren't exactly a bed of roses either.
Sunday, 23 March 2014
The musings of a madman
Just feeling a little restless, that all. Work is pretty crap, business is down and the team is slowly falling apart and there's nothing that I can do. People leaving and people bringing in their problems from home, etc… Money is now a constant struggle. Basically I don't have any. My staff keep fucking up the mystery shop visit and that is costing me my bonus. They don't care, they're leaving or don't have the financial commitment to actually need the money.
I always used to live my life on the rule that whatever my finical commitments, I wold never exceed my basic pay outgoings that I had to make. It's now at the point where I' about to break that and I have no guarantee of anything further whilst the staff keep loosing me my bonus. There isn't much I can do to deal with it.
The horrible truth is that I haven't had a pay rise in 5 years, My bonus has been eroded away by head office moving the goal posts and by the staff pissing away what I have earned, through their own laziness and incompetence. I can't hold them to account without head office getting on the way, but they're costing me money month after month - with the exception of one staff member who actually wants to get involved and make progress.
I don't want to leave where I work but it is getting to the point where their choice not to give me a pay rise is making me finically unviable. With my ratio of income to liabilities, if I was a company- I'd be in administration right now. Now quite bankrupt, but needing special measures to see things through.
So the answer would seem to be to find either a second job or to find a different job with better pay. Frankly the second job thing is not going to be a viable option - I've looked and I con't seem to find anything that will fit around the times I want to be down the gym.
So that leaves looking for a different job. Not sure what that's likely to bring. I'm sure there are things within retail that i could move to but I would really like to make a move outside of retail, maybe to something a little less volatile and certainly less target driven. I keep thinking that there may be something that I can do with my ACSP qualification but there does't seem to be anything obvious. In either case, it needs to be able to pay a basic that is substantially higher than what i am earning now, especially if there is any commuting involved.
But then again, where I am financially would not be so bad had I not bitten off more than I can chew in respect of financial investments and security that my IFA has pushed my way. That seems to have crept up and been more expensive at every step and it has basically crossed the line between ending affordable and making my finical position unviable. But all the different elements are so intertwined that I can't see a way of unpicking one from another and making life easier. I'm stuck with a load of witty insurances that I don't see the value in, but then the commission that my IFA gets from those is paying the handling fees for my stocks and shares ISA which keeps that profitable. I don't see a way of picking this lot apart and making it any more viable.
Don't get me wrong, compared with some people out there, I am still OK. At the moment the mortgage payments on the mortgage are safe and for that I am truly thankful. At the same time, I feel that I am justified in wanting to progress and do better in life, earn more money to be stable again.
I guess I'm just feeling the pinch at the moment. It's ironic really, all the time that the country was in the shit, I was blessed enough not to feel it. NOw that the economy is allegedly on the up, I am finically squeezed to a level that i advent felt since I first moved out of home, back in Basingstoke just after I left uni. Back then it was playing off the bank balance to pay day and making money go round twice. Its not that bad now, but its getting closer. I need and want a way out.
Lord, money may not be the everything in this world,
I may not be able to take it with me when I leave,
And I know there are many people with far less
Than I possess in this life.
Yet none-the-less I ask,
show me a way to be able to move forward,
To get back to a place of stability and prosperity
so that I may be able to provide for the partner and family
that I aspire to have.
So that I may enjoy a positive outlook on life
day by day
And have a a stability that allows me to build for the future.
I always used to live my life on the rule that whatever my finical commitments, I wold never exceed my basic pay outgoings that I had to make. It's now at the point where I' about to break that and I have no guarantee of anything further whilst the staff keep loosing me my bonus. There isn't much I can do to deal with it.
The horrible truth is that I haven't had a pay rise in 5 years, My bonus has been eroded away by head office moving the goal posts and by the staff pissing away what I have earned, through their own laziness and incompetence. I can't hold them to account without head office getting on the way, but they're costing me money month after month - with the exception of one staff member who actually wants to get involved and make progress.
I don't want to leave where I work but it is getting to the point where their choice not to give me a pay rise is making me finically unviable. With my ratio of income to liabilities, if I was a company- I'd be in administration right now. Now quite bankrupt, but needing special measures to see things through.
So the answer would seem to be to find either a second job or to find a different job with better pay. Frankly the second job thing is not going to be a viable option - I've looked and I con't seem to find anything that will fit around the times I want to be down the gym.
So that leaves looking for a different job. Not sure what that's likely to bring. I'm sure there are things within retail that i could move to but I would really like to make a move outside of retail, maybe to something a little less volatile and certainly less target driven. I keep thinking that there may be something that I can do with my ACSP qualification but there does't seem to be anything obvious. In either case, it needs to be able to pay a basic that is substantially higher than what i am earning now, especially if there is any commuting involved.
But then again, where I am financially would not be so bad had I not bitten off more than I can chew in respect of financial investments and security that my IFA has pushed my way. That seems to have crept up and been more expensive at every step and it has basically crossed the line between ending affordable and making my finical position unviable. But all the different elements are so intertwined that I can't see a way of unpicking one from another and making life easier. I'm stuck with a load of witty insurances that I don't see the value in, but then the commission that my IFA gets from those is paying the handling fees for my stocks and shares ISA which keeps that profitable. I don't see a way of picking this lot apart and making it any more viable.
Don't get me wrong, compared with some people out there, I am still OK. At the moment the mortgage payments on the mortgage are safe and for that I am truly thankful. At the same time, I feel that I am justified in wanting to progress and do better in life, earn more money to be stable again.
I guess I'm just feeling the pinch at the moment. It's ironic really, all the time that the country was in the shit, I was blessed enough not to feel it. NOw that the economy is allegedly on the up, I am finically squeezed to a level that i advent felt since I first moved out of home, back in Basingstoke just after I left uni. Back then it was playing off the bank balance to pay day and making money go round twice. Its not that bad now, but its getting closer. I need and want a way out.
Lord, money may not be the everything in this world,
I may not be able to take it with me when I leave,
And I know there are many people with far less
Than I possess in this life.
Yet none-the-less I ask,
show me a way to be able to move forward,
To get back to a place of stability and prosperity
so that I may be able to provide for the partner and family
that I aspire to have.
So that I may enjoy a positive outlook on life
day by day
And have a a stability that allows me to build for the future.
Monday, 3 March 2014
Lent
So we reach this time of year again. The imminent arrival of the season that is Lent. The chance to focus upon our faith, our temptations and indeed, our resolve. And it comes at a moment when I am maybe feeling a little weaker in some areas.
There's a few things that maybe I need to return to my directly conscious mind. Firstly, I have never really found a Church here in Salisbury. There are many things that I wish I had, but a sense of community may well be the biggest. I don't know where I'm going to find it, but I certainly haven't done so yet.
I think back to Easters that have been before. Many years ago, I was travelling with someone that I then cared about - but we have drifted apart now and that is much for the better. But those years ago, Easter was a time that really had spiritual impact, something that I had community around me to appreciate. Then a few years later, I remember Easter at my local Church in Basingstoke at the time. The place where I was confirmed. That was a community of a kind. But it also served to show me what I din't want.
It was a 'nice' congregation. But it wasn't an inspirational congregation. It was very formal, very 'old school' and traditional. That's fine if you're only a few years away from shuffling off or you were born in the 50's. I want to celebrate and praise. I want to feel inspired and invigorated to take the feeling with me for the rest of the week.
I felt a little of that last year, when I went to Church with a more recent friend. It felt good, it felt right in respect of the celebratory elements of there service. That said, I realised that I have a bit of an issue with being self conscious in such situations. I wish I could loose that.
I wish I cloud find a local Church where I felt like I fitted in, where I could be me and worship in the style that I feel fits me as a person. But this is Salisbury, about as conservative and boringly middle England as it is possible to get.
Anyway, to Lent this year. I think I will give up much the same as I did last year. Perhaps with a couple of small changes.
My abstinence will be from the following;
So, as tomorrow is Shrove Tuesday and there is so little the before Lent begins, I pray and I hope to make these my focus for the period to follow…
Father, please guide me to find a local Church where I can feel at home
to be myself and worship and celebrate in a way that I feel comfortable with.
As this time approaches when I will deny myself things that I enjoy and crave,
please hear my prayers for the things that I need.
I need love, I need companionship.
I need someone to stand by my side as my equal.
I need someone who will love me as I love them.
I feel so lonely at the moment,
though I fill the time with whatever I can
so that I don't feel so empty.
Please move someone across my path that might make this happen.
Yet, as I pray for the things that I want,
please help me to see what I can do to help others,
to see the things that I can pray for to help them,
and to find the time to do so.
In Jesus Name
Amen
There's a few things that maybe I need to return to my directly conscious mind. Firstly, I have never really found a Church here in Salisbury. There are many things that I wish I had, but a sense of community may well be the biggest. I don't know where I'm going to find it, but I certainly haven't done so yet.
I think back to Easters that have been before. Many years ago, I was travelling with someone that I then cared about - but we have drifted apart now and that is much for the better. But those years ago, Easter was a time that really had spiritual impact, something that I had community around me to appreciate. Then a few years later, I remember Easter at my local Church in Basingstoke at the time. The place where I was confirmed. That was a community of a kind. But it also served to show me what I din't want.
It was a 'nice' congregation. But it wasn't an inspirational congregation. It was very formal, very 'old school' and traditional. That's fine if you're only a few years away from shuffling off or you were born in the 50's. I want to celebrate and praise. I want to feel inspired and invigorated to take the feeling with me for the rest of the week.
I felt a little of that last year, when I went to Church with a more recent friend. It felt good, it felt right in respect of the celebratory elements of there service. That said, I realised that I have a bit of an issue with being self conscious in such situations. I wish I could loose that.
I wish I cloud find a local Church where I felt like I fitted in, where I could be me and worship in the style that I feel fits me as a person. But this is Salisbury, about as conservative and boringly middle England as it is possible to get.
Anyway, to Lent this year. I think I will give up much the same as I did last year. Perhaps with a couple of small changes.
My abstinence will be from the following;
- Cheese, and all products containing cheese.
- Beer
- Cider
- Spirits / Fortified alcohol over 20% proof
I will also endevour to do the following;
- Spend at least 15 minutes each day in prayer and reflection - more time when circumstances allow.
- Follow the reading plan for the scriptures laid out here
So, as tomorrow is Shrove Tuesday and there is so little the before Lent begins, I pray and I hope to make these my focus for the period to follow…
Father, please guide me to find a local Church where I can feel at home
to be myself and worship and celebrate in a way that I feel comfortable with.
As this time approaches when I will deny myself things that I enjoy and crave,
please hear my prayers for the things that I need.
I need love, I need companionship.
I need someone to stand by my side as my equal.
I need someone who will love me as I love them.
I feel so lonely at the moment,
though I fill the time with whatever I can
so that I don't feel so empty.
Please move someone across my path that might make this happen.
Yet, as I pray for the things that I want,
please help me to see what I can do to help others,
to see the things that I can pray for to help them,
and to find the time to do so.
In Jesus Name
Amen
Friday, 14 February 2014
Well, thats buggered it!
Game over. Crappy valentines day guaranteed. Looks like my romantic advances have fallen on barren ground. Not a great feeling - but if you don't ask, you'll never know. I asked, and now I know. It's just a bit gutting that it wasn't the answer that I was looking for.
But then what actually made me think for a minute that I deserved the answer that I wanted? I mean, lets face it - I'm not exactly good looking. I'm still overweight, albeit not as much overweight as I was a year ago. And in either case, I'm still stuck with the face I was born with.
From somewhere I managed to find some seriously uncharacteristic confidence to actually do something about my feelings, and now I'm just back to not really believing in myself again. I just wish there was some kind of way of putting myself 'on the open market' and just letting people that were attracted to me actually come to me - I guess that would be a pretty short queue anyway.
Not really feeling self pity, more a pretty sharp reality check. Deep down inside, I knew that this would be the outcome, yet somehow I stupidly put myself forward to the edge of the abyss. And promptly jumped straight off! So I'll free fall for a while, hit the bottom and then splatter in a big old mess. All I really need is some brave soul to pick up the pieces.
But for tonight, Mr Smirnoff will be my saviour.
But then what actually made me think for a minute that I deserved the answer that I wanted? I mean, lets face it - I'm not exactly good looking. I'm still overweight, albeit not as much overweight as I was a year ago. And in either case, I'm still stuck with the face I was born with.
From somewhere I managed to find some seriously uncharacteristic confidence to actually do something about my feelings, and now I'm just back to not really believing in myself again. I just wish there was some kind of way of putting myself 'on the open market' and just letting people that were attracted to me actually come to me - I guess that would be a pretty short queue anyway.
Not really feeling self pity, more a pretty sharp reality check. Deep down inside, I knew that this would be the outcome, yet somehow I stupidly put myself forward to the edge of the abyss. And promptly jumped straight off! So I'll free fall for a while, hit the bottom and then splatter in a big old mess. All I really need is some brave soul to pick up the pieces.
But for tonight, Mr Smirnoff will be my saviour.
Thursday, 13 February 2014
I've only gone and done it now...
So, whether it was the right thing to do or not, I have sent a valentines card to the one who has been on my mind. I'm pretty miffed cos it looks like Moonpig send the damned thing a day early as she has just posed that she's received it already! Damn. No matter, there's not much I can do about that now.
I just can't help feeling that I'm in for a let down. I really want an chance to see if anything might happen between us and this may well not be the best way to go about it. Frankly I'm a bit rusty - I've never been a big one for 'having game' and what little I might have once had hasn't exactly had much use lately. If I'm being honest i don't really want to use it. I'd rather just be given the grace to be able to say the right thing and do the right thing to be able to get the one person that I want. It's not about playing the field, it's about playing for keeps. - Hey, that'd do for the concept for a song! Maybe...
Anyways, I'm frankly feeling a bit nervous about revealing myself tomorrow. I have a plan that should give the game away. I just don't know what sort of reception I'm going to get. I really can;t help but feel that it's going to be an "oh how sweet, but I'm just not interested" or a "I'm not looking for anything right now" or worse still, relegation into the 'friend zone'. Still, I've been in too many situations of wondering what if, or not being able to because there was someone else. There's no real reason why I shouldn't give it a try. When you start with nothing, you've got nothing to loose and in this case so much to gain. Could be in for a dark night tomorrow night though. If I'm being honest, I don't rate my chances. Too soon, not her type etc...
Father, I pray that you will is for this to happen
I found the courage to do this much - you gave me that.
I don't want to embarrass or hurt someone that I care about,
But I really want this to happen.
Please grant me the grace to know what to say and do,
To be able to express myself without causing any hurt or upset.
I don't want to be single anymore. I war happiness with someone I care about
And who cares about me.
I ask in Jesus name
Amen.
I just can't help feeling that I'm in for a let down. I really want an chance to see if anything might happen between us and this may well not be the best way to go about it. Frankly I'm a bit rusty - I've never been a big one for 'having game' and what little I might have once had hasn't exactly had much use lately. If I'm being honest i don't really want to use it. I'd rather just be given the grace to be able to say the right thing and do the right thing to be able to get the one person that I want. It's not about playing the field, it's about playing for keeps. - Hey, that'd do for the concept for a song! Maybe...
Anyways, I'm frankly feeling a bit nervous about revealing myself tomorrow. I have a plan that should give the game away. I just don't know what sort of reception I'm going to get. I really can;t help but feel that it's going to be an "oh how sweet, but I'm just not interested" or a "I'm not looking for anything right now" or worse still, relegation into the 'friend zone'. Still, I've been in too many situations of wondering what if, or not being able to because there was someone else. There's no real reason why I shouldn't give it a try. When you start with nothing, you've got nothing to loose and in this case so much to gain. Could be in for a dark night tomorrow night though. If I'm being honest, I don't rate my chances. Too soon, not her type etc...
Father, I pray that you will is for this to happen
I found the courage to do this much - you gave me that.
I don't want to embarrass or hurt someone that I care about,
But I really want this to happen.
Please grant me the grace to know what to say and do,
To be able to express myself without causing any hurt or upset.
I don't want to be single anymore. I war happiness with someone I care about
And who cares about me.
I ask in Jesus name
Amen.
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