First off, Happy Easter one and all. Never forget what today is really about.Never forget what you are celebrating and what it really means for you.
So I spent today relaxing and celebrating what is important to me - being thankful for what I have. I went to church this morning but to a new church, somewhere I have never been before. But I was there with friends and among some of the most welcoming people I could ask for. I think I know a bit more about the kind of church where I will fit in now.
Equally I know a bit more about what is going on in my heart. It's true, it's unconditional and frankly it is probably going to come to nothing. Friendship is the most important thing, and then maybe something else might come, but friendship is the law.
So after church I went for a bike run. I haven't been on the motorbike in a while and it felt good, if a little cold. Spring is definitely starting to poke through, despite the cold. There were daffodils flowering in the banks and the sun was warm through the jacket. The air was cold enough though and by the end of the run my knees were frozen through and I did a fair amount of the 'John Wayne' when I got off at the end of the run. Despite the cold it felt so free, I felt so free. To be on an open road with the sun on my back and the cold, crisp wind in my face. So this is what it feels like to be free.
So, church then this - I ended up feeling the freedom and the love for the world that a free man can only feel. Truth is though, it means nothing on my own. And I don't want to be on my own, I want to be with someone I love - with someone who loves me. I have found the person that I think maybe I could love, but they seem to notice me only in passing at best.
All I know is that I would give anything I have, go anywhere, do anything to be with this one person. To stand before the Lord as a couple, to do His will and spread His word. Together we could be strong, for each other and for His glory.
I pray for this so much and ask His will and His blessing.
Lord, I am not worthy to ask such a question of you,
To pray for a change in your will to suit my own feelings.
Yet I ask none the less, coming to you through the risen Lord, Jesus Christ,
Through your grace and power, may my dreams and intentions
Become your will. That I can share life and love with the one,
I hold before you in my heart.
In Jesus name amen.
Sunday 31 March 2013
Thursday 28 March 2013
SNAFU
Its starting to get to the time of year when Lent is nearly over and Easter Sunday is nearly upon us. Over the time of lent so far, I have to admit that my faith has been on a bit of a roller coaster ride as to how much time I have taken to nurture it.
Ive got to be honest - my feelings are still in a mess at the moment, and I ended up pouring my heart out at work today to the person that I have all these feeling for. That really doesn't help matters much. I don't know if I ended up giving the game away - I din't mean to but then I was just drawn like a moth to the flame. How close can I hint without actually stating it - and will the hints be picked up? I don't mean it as a game - I don't mean any harm with it but its like I am drawn in. Despite I fear that I know what the outcome will be, I just can't help myself. A million to one chance is better than no chance - and yet i am risking a good friendship that may grow even stronger over time.
I hate myself, I hate this situation, I hate how I am handling it. Most of all I hate the fact that I cannot have what I want, be the one to give her everything that she needs. Get rid of what passes as a partner at the moment and get a real man, one who is caring and sensitive as well as strong and supportive.
I just feel like I want to cry. Weak and pathetic I know but there we are. I have found someone who I have feelings for based on who they are and their personality - I also happen to think they are physically about as perfect as it is possible to get and they are out of my reach for so many reasons.
This. Sucks.
Ive got to be honest - my feelings are still in a mess at the moment, and I ended up pouring my heart out at work today to the person that I have all these feeling for. That really doesn't help matters much. I don't know if I ended up giving the game away - I din't mean to but then I was just drawn like a moth to the flame. How close can I hint without actually stating it - and will the hints be picked up? I don't mean it as a game - I don't mean any harm with it but its like I am drawn in. Despite I fear that I know what the outcome will be, I just can't help myself. A million to one chance is better than no chance - and yet i am risking a good friendship that may grow even stronger over time.
I hate myself, I hate this situation, I hate how I am handling it. Most of all I hate the fact that I cannot have what I want, be the one to give her everything that she needs. Get rid of what passes as a partner at the moment and get a real man, one who is caring and sensitive as well as strong and supportive.
I just feel like I want to cry. Weak and pathetic I know but there we are. I have found someone who I have feelings for based on who they are and their personality - I also happen to think they are physically about as perfect as it is possible to get and they are out of my reach for so many reasons.
This. Sucks.
Wednesday 20 March 2013
Feeling a bit down.
Hmm, today has not been the best of days. I had to book my iMac in at the genius bar for it to be fixed, my plans for this afternoon did not come to fruition and now just to rub my nose in it, I've just seen something on Facebook that really rubs my nose in it. the Facebook thing wasn't deliberate, of that Im sure, but either way it just royally sucks and makes me feel really fed up.
I would go as far as to say that I even feel a little bit depressed right now. When you want something so bad that its all you focus on it just seems to override everything else. I might be fighting the fat off at the gym but mentally I am not fit right now. I feel like crying, but I'm not sure why. This feeling is strange to me in a way - but I've been here before. This feeling of deflation is somehow familiar. What I really want is to just be wrapped up in the arms of someone I love - someone who loves me. What I feel like I'm missing right now is the comfort of the human touch.
It makes me feel weak to say it, it even sounds weak reading it back - but I feel weak right now. The room is warm, but I feel cold. I am rested after a day off work, yet I feel tired. I have much that i should be thankful for, yet right now all I feel is a sense of loss.
Its all screwed up - I'm all screwed up. What I really want and need is my emotions to be sorted out and to meet someone who can reciprocate if I develop feelings - or for the person I have feelings for to develop feelings for me too. But I cant see either of these options happening right now.
So why has today had this effect on me? I thought I had left this sort of feeling behind. I guess it is because I care, because I have emotions rather than just turning them off. I suppose on a more selfish level, one could argue that it's because I didn't get what I wanted on various things. But it isn't that. Its something else on a much deeper level.
The difference is that, in the past, this would frequently become the start of another destructive cycle that would have ended up with eating and drinking to a point of harm. The fact that I can identify this and head it off (or at least I hope I can head it off, I am strong at the moment at any rate) should mean that I have made progress.
I think I will just have an early night, in the hope that the new day will bring renewed motivation.
I would go as far as to say that I even feel a little bit depressed right now. When you want something so bad that its all you focus on it just seems to override everything else. I might be fighting the fat off at the gym but mentally I am not fit right now. I feel like crying, but I'm not sure why. This feeling is strange to me in a way - but I've been here before. This feeling of deflation is somehow familiar. What I really want is to just be wrapped up in the arms of someone I love - someone who loves me. What I feel like I'm missing right now is the comfort of the human touch.
It makes me feel weak to say it, it even sounds weak reading it back - but I feel weak right now. The room is warm, but I feel cold. I am rested after a day off work, yet I feel tired. I have much that i should be thankful for, yet right now all I feel is a sense of loss.
Its all screwed up - I'm all screwed up. What I really want and need is my emotions to be sorted out and to meet someone who can reciprocate if I develop feelings - or for the person I have feelings for to develop feelings for me too. But I cant see either of these options happening right now.
So why has today had this effect on me? I thought I had left this sort of feeling behind. I guess it is because I care, because I have emotions rather than just turning them off. I suppose on a more selfish level, one could argue that it's because I didn't get what I wanted on various things. But it isn't that. Its something else on a much deeper level.
The difference is that, in the past, this would frequently become the start of another destructive cycle that would have ended up with eating and drinking to a point of harm. The fact that I can identify this and head it off (or at least I hope I can head it off, I am strong at the moment at any rate) should mean that I have made progress.
I think I will just have an early night, in the hope that the new day will bring renewed motivation.
Tuesday 19 March 2013
God Willing...
Ok, there's a bit going on right now and I'm not sure where to start. On the mundane side of things, I'm going to have to relinquish my iMac for a few days - it's gradually been developing data integrity issues and it's reached the stage where I can't cope with the unreliability anymore. So I have a genius bar appointment for tomorrow and hopefully I can get it sorted out. I personally thing that it is a problem with the ssd or hdd not being able to record data accurately but we will see in due course.
On the other hand, tomorrow could be an amazing day for other reasons. An off the cuff remark could turn into something that I would really like. A comment to H could result in spending some time together. I know that I am only kidding myself in the long run - there couldn't possibly be any way that she thinks of me the way that I think of her? Or so I keep telling myself.
I just can't help but think that her current bf does nothing for her, doesn't treat her the way that she deserves - I don't think that he exactly does wrong by her - but he doesn't do right either. I just wish it were me in that situation - that I could do what I feel inside and make her feel like she was the most important person in the world. It's not about physical gratuity, it's about emotional closeness and shared feelings.
Anyway, it's not going to happen. I have to be realistic about this. As much as I desperately want it and have prayed for it as much as I feel I dare, it just does not seem like I deserve it, or could dare even dream of it. All I know is that whenever I see her, I think I feel love. Whenever she stumbles, I feel like I want to catch her. Like I could wrap her in my arms and protect her from the slings and arrows of the world, giving her the strength to be all that she could ever dream of being, accepting everything about her, exactly as it is - without ever wanting to change a single thing. Is that love? It certainly feels like it. I thought I was in love before, and it was a little like this - but not really like this. Before there were always conditions, fears and insecurities. A feeling that I had to shape an censor who I was in order not to show a side that I feared would be less attractive. I don't feel that now. I can just be.
I don't know if that is a good or bad thing really. I mean, if I was looking at myself from a woman's point of view - ok, difficult I know - but what would I see? and how would I perceive it? what about me is more attractive or less attractive? I have all these personality traits and characteristics that I intrinsically accept as being 'me'. How would someone that I wanted to attract see each of these? That is a difficult one to answer. I guess that it varies from person to person.
Something that sprang to mind today - something so little in reality yet when you are tuned in to someone it can seem like a flashing beacon. At work we were briefly mentioning childhood and the conversation passed over whether childhood days were happy or not. (Mine obviously not but I glossed that over for the sake of other company...) The response from H was understated that her childhood days were not happy - not unsurprising in a way, I get the feeling that, like me, she was different from others as a child, more open, emotional, caring and non-conformist - all the things I love - yet there was something so small in the background there. So tiny as to be imperceptible to many people - indeed my colleagues did not flinch a muscle as it passed them by. Yet something hit me at that moment. A near uncontrollable urge to put my arms around her and just ask "what was it?", "who hurt you?" and more to the point "I will never let anyone hurt you again". There was just something there. It just hit me at a level of connection that was above word or communication visible to others.
It sounds really freaky to say this, but I think I have found someone that I would give my all to protect from the evil that the world could throw at them, and underneath all of this is the knowledge that they are with someone else so it cannot be. Even if they were not, there is the age gap, so maybe it should not be, and above all else, my feelings are clear yet they only look on me as perhaps a friend if I am lucky. To even dream and pray for more feels like such and abuse of trust and an abuse of my relationship with the Lord.
Yet here I am praying that he will be willing to bring the two of us together - someone who I could be happy with, and someone who I could make happy. If only it were that simple. If it were it might just happen. But it is not that simple, and here I am praying...
On the other hand, tomorrow could be an amazing day for other reasons. An off the cuff remark could turn into something that I would really like. A comment to H could result in spending some time together. I know that I am only kidding myself in the long run - there couldn't possibly be any way that she thinks of me the way that I think of her? Or so I keep telling myself.
I just can't help but think that her current bf does nothing for her, doesn't treat her the way that she deserves - I don't think that he exactly does wrong by her - but he doesn't do right either. I just wish it were me in that situation - that I could do what I feel inside and make her feel like she was the most important person in the world. It's not about physical gratuity, it's about emotional closeness and shared feelings.
Anyway, it's not going to happen. I have to be realistic about this. As much as I desperately want it and have prayed for it as much as I feel I dare, it just does not seem like I deserve it, or could dare even dream of it. All I know is that whenever I see her, I think I feel love. Whenever she stumbles, I feel like I want to catch her. Like I could wrap her in my arms and protect her from the slings and arrows of the world, giving her the strength to be all that she could ever dream of being, accepting everything about her, exactly as it is - without ever wanting to change a single thing. Is that love? It certainly feels like it. I thought I was in love before, and it was a little like this - but not really like this. Before there were always conditions, fears and insecurities. A feeling that I had to shape an censor who I was in order not to show a side that I feared would be less attractive. I don't feel that now. I can just be.
I don't know if that is a good or bad thing really. I mean, if I was looking at myself from a woman's point of view - ok, difficult I know - but what would I see? and how would I perceive it? what about me is more attractive or less attractive? I have all these personality traits and characteristics that I intrinsically accept as being 'me'. How would someone that I wanted to attract see each of these? That is a difficult one to answer. I guess that it varies from person to person.
Something that sprang to mind today - something so little in reality yet when you are tuned in to someone it can seem like a flashing beacon. At work we were briefly mentioning childhood and the conversation passed over whether childhood days were happy or not. (Mine obviously not but I glossed that over for the sake of other company...) The response from H was understated that her childhood days were not happy - not unsurprising in a way, I get the feeling that, like me, she was different from others as a child, more open, emotional, caring and non-conformist - all the things I love - yet there was something so small in the background there. So tiny as to be imperceptible to many people - indeed my colleagues did not flinch a muscle as it passed them by. Yet something hit me at that moment. A near uncontrollable urge to put my arms around her and just ask "what was it?", "who hurt you?" and more to the point "I will never let anyone hurt you again". There was just something there. It just hit me at a level of connection that was above word or communication visible to others.
It sounds really freaky to say this, but I think I have found someone that I would give my all to protect from the evil that the world could throw at them, and underneath all of this is the knowledge that they are with someone else so it cannot be. Even if they were not, there is the age gap, so maybe it should not be, and above all else, my feelings are clear yet they only look on me as perhaps a friend if I am lucky. To even dream and pray for more feels like such and abuse of trust and an abuse of my relationship with the Lord.
Yet here I am praying that he will be willing to bring the two of us together - someone who I could be happy with, and someone who I could make happy. If only it were that simple. If it were it might just happen. But it is not that simple, and here I am praying...
Monday 11 March 2013
A prayer for H and her family
I'm not going to spend very long on here right now, I just want to take the time to offer up a prayer for a dear friend of mine and her family who are going through a tough time right now. Bereavement is never an easy thing to cope with, least of all when it is a close family member. Today was the funeral. I know how it feels to loose a close family member all too well. I have lost more of mine than there are left living. It's such a devastating experience. I can imagine a bit about how they are feeling and I wish I could carry the burden for them.
Lord, I hold before you H and her family.
Please provide to them the comfort and strength to deal with what is upon them
Grant that they might find strength in each other and those around them.
Help them find the strength of faith to come to you in their time of need.
Please grant them safe passage through this dark time and lead them to a brighter day.
This I ask in Jesus name.
AMEN
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" - Matthew 5:4 (NIV)
Lord, I hold before you H and her family.
Please provide to them the comfort and strength to deal with what is upon them
Grant that they might find strength in each other and those around them.
Help them find the strength of faith to come to you in their time of need.
Please grant them safe passage through this dark time and lead them to a brighter day.
This I ask in Jesus name.
AMEN
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" - Matthew 5:4 (NIV)
Monday 4 March 2013
His, Thy Moll
OK, so I should probably be asleep right now. Truth is I can't. So much stuff running through my head, so many thoughts that I wish I didn't have.
So, I'm probably going to blow my whole plausible deniability thing right now with this - TBH, if the right person reads this, they're going to know anyway. Chances are that they don't read this - and I'll risk it for a biscuit (as they're off biscuits for lent!).
SO anyway - I was talking to the person that I have feelings for today - and they were talking bout their partner. The more I hear, the more I realise that they have no sense of romance - I mean, they've been together for 2 years and nothing doing. None of those little surprises, none of those hopelessly overblown romantic gestures... I just felt like screaming out:
"Loose this guy, I'll treat you like you deserve, I'll make everyday the best you've ever had, I'll make you feel like no one else has ever done, or ever could"
I cant't say that as much as I wanted to, I can't act on what I feel. There's just so much frustration, I mean - the age thing is still telling me it's wrong - they're only 19 (nearly 20) but thats just a huge gap and can't be healthy.
I try to justify it to myself in my weaker moments, I mean, I'm not really mentally my really age - I'm still very young on the inside (and I look pretty reasonable for my age on the outside) and they're far more mature than their years - so at face value, and in reality - I think we click on a personal level. But the rest is just wrong. A few more years and they could (just about) be my daughter - and that just makes it wrong. But why do I feel like I do?
I don't know anymore, what I want, what's right, what's Gods' will? It all seems to blur from one space to another.
I was away for work for a couple of days this week. I though maybe a chance to clear my head, get some perspective on things. And sure, great - when I was busy, my mind focussed on the task at hand - and when I wasn't busy, all I could think about was her, what was she doing, wishing I was with her - not like that, but purely in a companion kind of way. I've never met anyone EVER that I was happy just to be around. Even G didn't enrapture me like this.
It could be (just?) a crush, but it feels so much more - and so much less. I can remember what it felt like when I was a teenager, it was always about a physical, short term gain - sex to be blunt. This is so much less physical, I don't want sex, I want love. And so much more, I don't want a crush I want romance.
Its a mess. I wish I didn't have these feelings, but then I'm glad that I do - I love to feel something - it's so much better than being empty and void inside. I don't know where, if anywhere, this might go. In reality, it can't go anywhere - and yet I want it so much.
OK, done pouring my heart out with some weird, freaky rambling. I need some serious duvet time as I have work in the morning and I need to be on top form as I have no staff to cover - that means i'll have to get out of the office and get stuck in myself - oldskool stylé.
PS - pay attention to the title!?
So, I'm probably going to blow my whole plausible deniability thing right now with this - TBH, if the right person reads this, they're going to know anyway. Chances are that they don't read this - and I'll risk it for a biscuit (as they're off biscuits for lent!).
SO anyway - I was talking to the person that I have feelings for today - and they were talking bout their partner. The more I hear, the more I realise that they have no sense of romance - I mean, they've been together for 2 years and nothing doing. None of those little surprises, none of those hopelessly overblown romantic gestures... I just felt like screaming out:
"Loose this guy, I'll treat you like you deserve, I'll make everyday the best you've ever had, I'll make you feel like no one else has ever done, or ever could"
I cant't say that as much as I wanted to, I can't act on what I feel. There's just so much frustration, I mean - the age thing is still telling me it's wrong - they're only 19 (nearly 20) but thats just a huge gap and can't be healthy.
I try to justify it to myself in my weaker moments, I mean, I'm not really mentally my really age - I'm still very young on the inside (and I look pretty reasonable for my age on the outside) and they're far more mature than their years - so at face value, and in reality - I think we click on a personal level. But the rest is just wrong. A few more years and they could (just about) be my daughter - and that just makes it wrong. But why do I feel like I do?
I don't know anymore, what I want, what's right, what's Gods' will? It all seems to blur from one space to another.
I was away for work for a couple of days this week. I though maybe a chance to clear my head, get some perspective on things. And sure, great - when I was busy, my mind focussed on the task at hand - and when I wasn't busy, all I could think about was her, what was she doing, wishing I was with her - not like that, but purely in a companion kind of way. I've never met anyone EVER that I was happy just to be around. Even G didn't enrapture me like this.
It could be (just?) a crush, but it feels so much more - and so much less. I can remember what it felt like when I was a teenager, it was always about a physical, short term gain - sex to be blunt. This is so much less physical, I don't want sex, I want love. And so much more, I don't want a crush I want romance.
Its a mess. I wish I didn't have these feelings, but then I'm glad that I do - I love to feel something - it's so much better than being empty and void inside. I don't know where, if anywhere, this might go. In reality, it can't go anywhere - and yet I want it so much.
OK, done pouring my heart out with some weird, freaky rambling. I need some serious duvet time as I have work in the morning and I need to be on top form as I have no staff to cover - that means i'll have to get out of the office and get stuck in myself - oldskool stylé.
PS - pay attention to the title!?
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