It's been a while since I wrote on here. I've been meaning to for a couple of days but it hasn't come to anything until now. I don't know that much has changed really. Some days are good, some days are not good - weight loss wise, I haven't made any progress over the last week. Next weigh in is this Sunday. I don't think that I will have made any further progress either. I need to revisit my motivation and get back in control of it all.
Frankly my head is a bit of a mess overall. There's a really difficult area thats on my mind. I have to be careful what I say on here - after all, plausible deniability is not just something that governments practice, I do too! All I can say is that my heart is somewhere that I don;t think it should be. It wants something that cannot happen. Yet I keep thinking about reasons why it might, what it would be like if this and if that... Its probably no bad thing in itself because it is definitely a move forward and away from a toxic relationship in the past that has had a hold on me for far too long. You think that you are over something but you aren't. You think that you have found someone that you might be interested in, yet you find yourself comparing them to the one person that you have left behind and told yourself that you were over, only to find that you weren't really. So that's that... It can never happen and I need to get my mind off it and move on up.
Dad is due back from his travels soon, about 3 weeks or so I think. With the marvel that is international pay phones, I don't really feel like he's been gone. There's been the odd occasion that I'd have probably picked up the phone to him when I've had a bad day but on the whole it doesn't feel like anything much has changed.
I guess the main thing is that I need to regroup and revisit my motivations right now. The felling that nothing much has changed is probably symptomatic of life as a whole. I don't really know what I;d want to change, other than my ability to loose weight. I can dream and have unrealistic ideals. - To be fair, I think I have those anyway. I guess what I really want, what I really feel like I am missing is a partner. The ideal of getting married and starting a family is a long way down the road, but it would be nice to be on that road and making progress. But its a long process...
Loosing weight = more confidence and being more attractive to members of the opposite sex = being able to be strong enough to make the first move and go for what I want.
Or so it seems.
I just need the motivation to loose weight.
Lord, I am trying, I have got further than I think I have before but I seem to be weakening again. Please help me to find the motivation and the strength to make progress...
In Jesus Name, Amen.
Friday, 25 January 2013
Thursday, 10 January 2013
Quick update
Ok, so i'm trying the whole cut down on alcohol and trying to control my eating habits thing. It seems to be going ok, not perfectly but better than some other attempts that I've made to try and get in control. But then this time I think I have a better understanding of what the issues are. I guess time will tell.
On another note, I seem to have a problem with my left knee. every time I walk down stairs it clicks. If i have been on it all day, by the time I walk home in the evening it click then too. I am hoping that it is just some kind of muscular imbalance and that a few light exercises on the muscle groups will sort it out. It's strange how it seems to have coincided with going on the aggressive with cutting down on food. I have definitely lost a little weight so I wonder if it is related? I hope it will pass but I think I will have to get registered with a GP up here just in case I need to book an appointment. I'll do that tomorrow as I'm off work.
On that subject, work is stressing me out at them moment - there's a lot going on right now and it sort of feels like I'm not quite in control of it all - I need to get a grip on the reins I think and make a few things happen.
Not much else to add really - looks like its going to be a brief post for a change.
On another note, I seem to have a problem with my left knee. every time I walk down stairs it clicks. If i have been on it all day, by the time I walk home in the evening it click then too. I am hoping that it is just some kind of muscular imbalance and that a few light exercises on the muscle groups will sort it out. It's strange how it seems to have coincided with going on the aggressive with cutting down on food. I have definitely lost a little weight so I wonder if it is related? I hope it will pass but I think I will have to get registered with a GP up here just in case I need to book an appointment. I'll do that tomorrow as I'm off work.
On that subject, work is stressing me out at them moment - there's a lot going on right now and it sort of feels like I'm not quite in control of it all - I need to get a grip on the reins I think and make a few things happen.
Not much else to add really - looks like its going to be a brief post for a change.
Tuesday, 1 January 2013
New year and all that jazz
OK, so its a new year - something that I don't normally bother with. I mean, what is the point - it's a day like any other day, it just happens to be an occasion when they year number changes as part of the date. Its all relative anyway, ask a Chinese person what year it is and they won't say 2013, thats for sure. Anyway, all this jazz aside - it is the tradition to come up with new years resolutions. Again, I don't usually bother - aside from some glib crap about drinking more and eating what I want. But that was the 'old' me. The me before I developed some kind of drive to try and deal with my problems, before my problems has a title - CED/BED - gotta love those acronyms... Anyway, so I understand a bit more about what is going on with me psychologically. There's more as well. Seeings as this blog is pretty anonymous and I am not Identifiable by name, I can share what I feel comfortable with. So here's another revelation.
For a long time I have struggled with gender identity. I don't think it goes as far as gender dysphoria, but then I'm probably not qualified to make that judgement anyway. All I know is that from a young age - 4 or 5 years old - I have not been comfortable being male. It has just felt like the badge 'male' doesn't fit what I feel inside. Biologically I am male, genetics can't lie - and I am ok with that, I mean, I like women as my chosen type of partner, and whilst I would describe myself as sexually adventurous, the idea of sex with another male does nothing for me. That said I do have a thing for she males - traps - ones that are convincing as females - but I can't say that I have ever thought about 'penetrative sex' in either direction. I think it is the idea of gender fluidity that I fond more attractive than anything else.
So anyway, the genetics that deterring my biological make up do not seem to fit with the emotional personality. Yes sure there are things that when you know me, they could be seen as masculine traits - an interest in cars, motorbike, the whole DJ / Producer alter ego that goes with my music. But who is to say that they are not 'tom-boy' traits? There are many other things that go with my personality that are generally classed as feminine by society as a whole. I like 'chick flicks' (even the name has gender connotations), I'm not about sex, I'm about romance and love, I'm generally quite a touchy-feely kind of person, given the chance and I am definitely in touch with my emotions and my feminine side.
I am sure that, if you described what I like, how my personality is etc, to a person who did not know me, and did so without using gender constructs, they would guess that the person described is female.
I'm cool with all this. I've had years to come to terms with it - but I think that when I was younger it became a reason why I was bullied and abused at school. And also why eating became a problem. It became the self harm that I have recently realised, and the person that was being harmed wasn't the false outer construct, but the real person within. At this point, these things start to come together into one interwoven thread. There is an outer me, the one the world knows as 'James' - there is an inner me, male in biology, female in gender identity, that occasionally comes to the surface with people that I know and trust. I think that I have come to terms with that over the many years and reached a situation where I am comfortable with who I am, even if I do not have the courage to go public. I don't think I ever could whilst my father is alive. I don't think he would be able to understand it all.
So this come back round to the eating as self harm. I want to start this by making the following perfectly clear -
SIZE / WEIGHT IS IRRELEVANT TO ATTRACTIVENESS AND IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT USED BY THE IGNORANT WHO CANNOT BE BOTHERED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND.
There are many people with many different numerical sizes that I find attractive, the size part is irrelevant. If you are a certain size - bigger or smaller - and that is what nature has made you, fine. If you choose decisions that have an outcome on your size - bigger or smaller - and it is not affecting your health, fine. No-one has the right to judge.
I am never going to be a size zero, nor would I ever want to be. [I've just realised that, without prior conscious decision, I have equated my body to female clothes sizes...?...] But what I need to get a handle on is that I am not meant to be this size either. Much of it is self inflicted, in an attempt to destroy that female part of me that has been the cause of so much pain from other people. It has been a shell to keep others away from the real me, relationships could be complicated if I have to explain and rationalise these things. So that has been the defence over the years, self destruction of the real personality and a subconscious attempt to be as unattractive as possible.
So I need to tackle this head on; 4 areas that can change my life and get me to being me, and not 'James'
1. Eating. As I have realised, it has become a form of self destruction and only minorly as a way of dealing with pain. So I need to eat less - sounds easy - and maybe it is - what I need to do is take the 'pain' I inflict with over eating, and use against it a 'pain' from not eating. I'm not talking about anything like anorexia or bulimia but to 'run with less in the tank' so I feel hungry before meals, eat a sensible amount and carry on again. That way, when I reach the pinch points when I want to binge, the hungry feeling is never far away and I can use that, instead of the bloated feeling.
2. Drinking. This is nothing to do with any of the above - I simply drink too regularly. I don't often exceed RDA, but I do drink most days. I need to find a sugar free, alcohol free alternative to drink on weekday evenings and only have alcohol on Saturdays & Sundays.
3. Hygiene. I fond it very hard to have a shower or bath. Despite part of me that loves the pampering of a candle lit bubble bath with some gentle music in the background, the truth is that at school, most of the abuse happened in the showers. It has actually been a conditioning against it. the emotional pain that started the cycle started there. A bath or shower means getting undressed - I have to confront the body that I have destroyed and see the physical manifestation of my hatred. I need to break this cycle, partly for hygiene reasons but most importantly as part of breaking the spell that is holding me back
4. Exercise. Never my strong point, partly because I have a low lung capacity and I have the feeling of being breathless after cardio work - but I can do some basic weights, some recreational cycling and so on. This isn't going to be a big one, but I have to make an effort in this area.
So this is it. this is my action plan. God willing, I can break this affliction and become the butterfly inside this pupae. As with all these things, there shall be one last hurrah. Today is the last day without limits. I shall celebrate the new year today and clear the little that is left in the fridge adnstart a new tomorrow with all temptations out of the way.
For a long time I have struggled with gender identity. I don't think it goes as far as gender dysphoria, but then I'm probably not qualified to make that judgement anyway. All I know is that from a young age - 4 or 5 years old - I have not been comfortable being male. It has just felt like the badge 'male' doesn't fit what I feel inside. Biologically I am male, genetics can't lie - and I am ok with that, I mean, I like women as my chosen type of partner, and whilst I would describe myself as sexually adventurous, the idea of sex with another male does nothing for me. That said I do have a thing for she males - traps - ones that are convincing as females - but I can't say that I have ever thought about 'penetrative sex' in either direction. I think it is the idea of gender fluidity that I fond more attractive than anything else.
So anyway, the genetics that deterring my biological make up do not seem to fit with the emotional personality. Yes sure there are things that when you know me, they could be seen as masculine traits - an interest in cars, motorbike, the whole DJ / Producer alter ego that goes with my music. But who is to say that they are not 'tom-boy' traits? There are many other things that go with my personality that are generally classed as feminine by society as a whole. I like 'chick flicks' (even the name has gender connotations), I'm not about sex, I'm about romance and love, I'm generally quite a touchy-feely kind of person, given the chance and I am definitely in touch with my emotions and my feminine side.
I am sure that, if you described what I like, how my personality is etc, to a person who did not know me, and did so without using gender constructs, they would guess that the person described is female.
I'm cool with all this. I've had years to come to terms with it - but I think that when I was younger it became a reason why I was bullied and abused at school. And also why eating became a problem. It became the self harm that I have recently realised, and the person that was being harmed wasn't the false outer construct, but the real person within. At this point, these things start to come together into one interwoven thread. There is an outer me, the one the world knows as 'James' - there is an inner me, male in biology, female in gender identity, that occasionally comes to the surface with people that I know and trust. I think that I have come to terms with that over the many years and reached a situation where I am comfortable with who I am, even if I do not have the courage to go public. I don't think I ever could whilst my father is alive. I don't think he would be able to understand it all.
So this come back round to the eating as self harm. I want to start this by making the following perfectly clear -
SIZE / WEIGHT IS IRRELEVANT TO ATTRACTIVENESS AND IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT USED BY THE IGNORANT WHO CANNOT BE BOTHERED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND.
There are many people with many different numerical sizes that I find attractive, the size part is irrelevant. If you are a certain size - bigger or smaller - and that is what nature has made you, fine. If you choose decisions that have an outcome on your size - bigger or smaller - and it is not affecting your health, fine. No-one has the right to judge.
I am never going to be a size zero, nor would I ever want to be. [I've just realised that, without prior conscious decision, I have equated my body to female clothes sizes...?...] But what I need to get a handle on is that I am not meant to be this size either. Much of it is self inflicted, in an attempt to destroy that female part of me that has been the cause of so much pain from other people. It has been a shell to keep others away from the real me, relationships could be complicated if I have to explain and rationalise these things. So that has been the defence over the years, self destruction of the real personality and a subconscious attempt to be as unattractive as possible.
So I need to tackle this head on; 4 areas that can change my life and get me to being me, and not 'James'
1. Eating. As I have realised, it has become a form of self destruction and only minorly as a way of dealing with pain. So I need to eat less - sounds easy - and maybe it is - what I need to do is take the 'pain' I inflict with over eating, and use against it a 'pain' from not eating. I'm not talking about anything like anorexia or bulimia but to 'run with less in the tank' so I feel hungry before meals, eat a sensible amount and carry on again. That way, when I reach the pinch points when I want to binge, the hungry feeling is never far away and I can use that, instead of the bloated feeling.
2. Drinking. This is nothing to do with any of the above - I simply drink too regularly. I don't often exceed RDA, but I do drink most days. I need to find a sugar free, alcohol free alternative to drink on weekday evenings and only have alcohol on Saturdays & Sundays.
3. Hygiene. I fond it very hard to have a shower or bath. Despite part of me that loves the pampering of a candle lit bubble bath with some gentle music in the background, the truth is that at school, most of the abuse happened in the showers. It has actually been a conditioning against it. the emotional pain that started the cycle started there. A bath or shower means getting undressed - I have to confront the body that I have destroyed and see the physical manifestation of my hatred. I need to break this cycle, partly for hygiene reasons but most importantly as part of breaking the spell that is holding me back
4. Exercise. Never my strong point, partly because I have a low lung capacity and I have the feeling of being breathless after cardio work - but I can do some basic weights, some recreational cycling and so on. This isn't going to be a big one, but I have to make an effort in this area.
So this is it. this is my action plan. God willing, I can break this affliction and become the butterfly inside this pupae. As with all these things, there shall be one last hurrah. Today is the last day without limits. I shall celebrate the new year today and clear the little that is left in the fridge adnstart a new tomorrow with all temptations out of the way.
Sunday, 23 December 2012
I need help
Yesterdays entry has really fucked me up frankly. What I wanted to be a remembering of the good times and the Golden age (through rose tinted glass of course!) has actually opened up a void in my heart. Those who I wanted to remember fondly are now an aching gap of what once was. I know I cant go back but I can't find anything to go on and create new memories with. this hurts so much. Part of me wants to rejoice but part of me is hurting so badly. I keep thinking that I am going to start crying and then somehow it goes away again. I wish I could just cry it out and get on with it again.
Work is helping mask the feelings during the day, I can always find something to keep me occupied at this time of year, even the basic day-to-day is a lot to be getting on with at the moment.
I think I have kind of had a revelation on something as I was googling around the web this evening. Something that I often do is simply google what is going on in my head when I am bored, and this time I think it actually came up with something useful. A week or so back I decided, frankly from no-where that I was going to cut down on what I drink. I wouldn't say I have a problem with alcohol but I do drink regularly. The guide might be 3-4 units per day, but probably not 5-6 days a week! So anyway, I cut down, and after a couple of weird moments when I would have normally reached for a beer, I have go to a point where it feels normal not to drink in an evening. That is incidental in a way, but kind of prophetic in relation to what I found tonight.
As I was sitting here, a while back, feeling pretty crappy frankly, I began to feel like used to when I cut. That's a long way back and was only a couple of times anyhow. BUT, the feeling was there. This time, the first thing into my mind was food. To eat. (I'll come back to this train of though in a moment). So I simply googled "can over eating be self harm?" and suddenly the one question that I've never asked cracked open a whole realisation. Yes it can - and is - used as a form of self harm, it has it's own specific disorders associated with it.
Coming back to the train of thought about wanting to eat to deal with the pain. That was what happened when I was younger and back in that situation. Then, and more recently, I analysed that as food being an escape and a way of making things feel better - but it wasn't, the fact that it made me feel guilty, emotionally pained and made me overweight MADE IT A PHYSICAL FORM OF SELF HARM. That's a serious light going on in my head. Whenever I have tried to tackle myself on this and tried to self-help I have always approached it from the angle of comfort eating in response to emotional trauma or distress, in seek of emotional comfort. Now I can see that it wasn't - I was looking to punish myself, destroy myself further. The self image that was so weak anyway was being used to punish myself even further. The fact that I hate being overweight, despite the carefully constructed subterfuge, meant that I was punishing myself by increasing this. I'm not going to go into details in this entry about the start, the bullying, the abuse - yes, with hindsight and in todays climate it would be termed abuse - but it is interesting how the punishments have changed. Back then it was chocolate bars and sweet things, bought covertly on the way home, and (with hind sight) eaten on the part of the way home that was close enough to be considered safe territory. Over time it has evolved into savoury, fatty foods - pizza, peanuts (any nuts in fact) cheeses and, in a non-addicted way, alcohol - specifically beer and cider.
And that brings things nearly full circle - what did I decide to force myself to cut down on recently? That's right - beer and cider. What have I done with my natural routine at work the last couple of weeks? My lunch break is now so late that I do not want to eat in the evening and I have deliberately run the fridge out of food so that I CANNOT eat. So this was what? An anticipation of the fact that I was going to end up like this, craving to eat in response to how I feel? Hardly?! I don't think my grasp of my own psychology is that great.
But anyway, I now discover that this problem that I describe has a medical name - Binge Eating Disorder / Compulsive Eating Disorder. From the little that I have read so far, the symptoms and emotional conditions seem to fit with me pretty much exactly. The fact that I seem to be using it as a form of self-harm seems to fit too. The question is what can I do now? I seem to have some new information that helps me understand my situation a little better, but how can I use it to improve my situation? One thing that I have learned already is that the NHS have no acceptance of this and no treatment plan in place. Private web sites are talking about psychological treatment and cognitive behavioural therapy - this sounds like some serious stuff and I cant grasp that. I really am not ready to admit that I need that kind of help. So that leaves self help - I've tried that before, but before I think Iw as trying to teal with something that I didn't have, so will I be more successful trying this - if it is actually my problem?
When I list our what I want from life - I mean REALLY want, not frivolous consumer goods and pointless short term things, things that would make my life complete, the answer / excuse that I throw back at myself is that I can't achieve, they haven't happened because I am fat. I do not deserve them, because I am fat. I have such a low self image of the 'real' me that I cannot find value for these to happen. How do I deal with that? HOW?
I have this nice, neat little construct that goes to work, fronts up to the world on the social occasions that I cannot avoid, and is all that is generally positive in what I portray. then there is the person inside, insecure, looking for love and acceptance, painfully shy, with a very low self worth. The outer shell isn't fake as such, it is made up out of parts of me, but the person that I really want to have the confidence to let out is the person inside. I'm not gay, but I feel like I am in the closet. Some how I have to out myself as a self hating person who suffers from an eating disorder. I need someone to really love and support me, but I hate myself too much to allow that to happen, even to believe that I could find someone who could anyway. And even if they did, I think I am so messed up right now that it would be very easy for me to mistake kindness and end up looking for something more that isn't there.
So that's the mess.
Father, in Jesus name, please give me the strength to get out of this mess somehow.
Work is helping mask the feelings during the day, I can always find something to keep me occupied at this time of year, even the basic day-to-day is a lot to be getting on with at the moment.
I think I have kind of had a revelation on something as I was googling around the web this evening. Something that I often do is simply google what is going on in my head when I am bored, and this time I think it actually came up with something useful. A week or so back I decided, frankly from no-where that I was going to cut down on what I drink. I wouldn't say I have a problem with alcohol but I do drink regularly. The guide might be 3-4 units per day, but probably not 5-6 days a week! So anyway, I cut down, and after a couple of weird moments when I would have normally reached for a beer, I have go to a point where it feels normal not to drink in an evening. That is incidental in a way, but kind of prophetic in relation to what I found tonight.
As I was sitting here, a while back, feeling pretty crappy frankly, I began to feel like used to when I cut. That's a long way back and was only a couple of times anyhow. BUT, the feeling was there. This time, the first thing into my mind was food. To eat. (I'll come back to this train of though in a moment). So I simply googled "can over eating be self harm?" and suddenly the one question that I've never asked cracked open a whole realisation. Yes it can - and is - used as a form of self harm, it has it's own specific disorders associated with it.
Coming back to the train of thought about wanting to eat to deal with the pain. That was what happened when I was younger and back in that situation. Then, and more recently, I analysed that as food being an escape and a way of making things feel better - but it wasn't, the fact that it made me feel guilty, emotionally pained and made me overweight MADE IT A PHYSICAL FORM OF SELF HARM. That's a serious light going on in my head. Whenever I have tried to tackle myself on this and tried to self-help I have always approached it from the angle of comfort eating in response to emotional trauma or distress, in seek of emotional comfort. Now I can see that it wasn't - I was looking to punish myself, destroy myself further. The self image that was so weak anyway was being used to punish myself even further. The fact that I hate being overweight, despite the carefully constructed subterfuge, meant that I was punishing myself by increasing this. I'm not going to go into details in this entry about the start, the bullying, the abuse - yes, with hindsight and in todays climate it would be termed abuse - but it is interesting how the punishments have changed. Back then it was chocolate bars and sweet things, bought covertly on the way home, and (with hind sight) eaten on the part of the way home that was close enough to be considered safe territory. Over time it has evolved into savoury, fatty foods - pizza, peanuts (any nuts in fact) cheeses and, in a non-addicted way, alcohol - specifically beer and cider.
And that brings things nearly full circle - what did I decide to force myself to cut down on recently? That's right - beer and cider. What have I done with my natural routine at work the last couple of weeks? My lunch break is now so late that I do not want to eat in the evening and I have deliberately run the fridge out of food so that I CANNOT eat. So this was what? An anticipation of the fact that I was going to end up like this, craving to eat in response to how I feel? Hardly?! I don't think my grasp of my own psychology is that great.
But anyway, I now discover that this problem that I describe has a medical name - Binge Eating Disorder / Compulsive Eating Disorder. From the little that I have read so far, the symptoms and emotional conditions seem to fit with me pretty much exactly. The fact that I seem to be using it as a form of self-harm seems to fit too. The question is what can I do now? I seem to have some new information that helps me understand my situation a little better, but how can I use it to improve my situation? One thing that I have learned already is that the NHS have no acceptance of this and no treatment plan in place. Private web sites are talking about psychological treatment and cognitive behavioural therapy - this sounds like some serious stuff and I cant grasp that. I really am not ready to admit that I need that kind of help. So that leaves self help - I've tried that before, but before I think Iw as trying to teal with something that I didn't have, so will I be more successful trying this - if it is actually my problem?
When I list our what I want from life - I mean REALLY want, not frivolous consumer goods and pointless short term things, things that would make my life complete, the answer / excuse that I throw back at myself is that I can't achieve, they haven't happened because I am fat. I do not deserve them, because I am fat. I have such a low self image of the 'real' me that I cannot find value for these to happen. How do I deal with that? HOW?
I have this nice, neat little construct that goes to work, fronts up to the world on the social occasions that I cannot avoid, and is all that is generally positive in what I portray. then there is the person inside, insecure, looking for love and acceptance, painfully shy, with a very low self worth. The outer shell isn't fake as such, it is made up out of parts of me, but the person that I really want to have the confidence to let out is the person inside. I'm not gay, but I feel like I am in the closet. Some how I have to out myself as a self hating person who suffers from an eating disorder. I need someone to really love and support me, but I hate myself too much to allow that to happen, even to believe that I could find someone who could anyway. And even if they did, I think I am so messed up right now that it would be very easy for me to mistake kindness and end up looking for something more that isn't there.
So that's the mess.
Father, in Jesus name, please give me the strength to get out of this mess somehow.
Saturday, 22 December 2012
Christmas is just around the corner
So Christmas is nearly here. Frankly I'm too tired for it to register really. Totally cream crackered. The last couple of days at work haven't been heaving but just the constant level of everything and the stress of trying to keep on top of it all.
We had the staff meal the other night and that was a good opportunity to let my hair down. Now that I live locally and I don't have to drive I can actually have a drink without having to count units. Only problem was trying to keep my mind (and eyes) in the right place. Really not easy - why does it have to be this difficult?
Anyway, I've just about reached my limit for energy right now. If I am being honest I am not really in the mood for tomorrow night (invited out for the evening) but I guess I will be fine once I am actually there and things are going on. I really don't want to go out con Christmas day though. I just want to be at home and sleep. I know that I have to go and see the remains of the family but I am not sure that I really want to.. One thing that I have learned about myself is that I can be really quite unsociable when I reach a certain point of tiredness. Im not the most outgoing person at the best of times but there are certain things that just make me want to shut up shop and head inwards. It's probably best to force myself not to but it feels like the instinctive thing to do.
Right now all I really want from Christmas is a long time in my own bed, a nice meal and a bottle of wine. Don't thing much of that is on the cards really. Frankly I hate the idea of going away at Christmas. Used to hat it as a child, still hate it now.
I remember when I was really young, like four or five, I used to spend Christmas up at my Grand parents house in Oxford. We used to travel up on Christmas eve. Once we got there I would go out into the large garden, looking for twigs to help start the log fire for the evening, or possibly up onto Shotover Hill into the woods. Once the fire was lit we were all in the main living room area and I remember it being warm and cosy. Eventually at night I was packed off to bed. Mum and Dad would eventually follow. I would then be woken up again by them leaving for midnight mass, falling asleep for a while, and then being woken by them coming back again. The room I used to stay in was a strange one, it had thin, rectangular fanlight windows along one wall, almost at roof level, and the first I knew of them coming back was seeing the car headlights glance through them. At that point I just remember waking up on Christmas day, usually to the sound and smell of food being prepared. Grandpa and I used to check through the fine ashes to look for embers from the night before and use these to relight the fire - I don't know how that started, probably my curiosity, but it became a sort of ritual. At that point, everything revolved around the living room and the kitchen area, usually with me being accused of getting in the way. There were usually other family members, Aunts, Uncles coming by after Church, never a quiet moment. At the time it felt like an upheaval. Now it seems like the golden age, representing everything that I wish Christmas could still be for me, and bringing a tear to my eye when I fondly remember those who have passed. Infact, there's hardly any of the family left at all.
I know that the Lord must call us all home eventually, and those who are called should be remembered fondly and not mourned but this is really getting to me right now. I can remember exactly how it was, how the people were back then, the way I want to remember them, and for all the fond memories, I cant help but cry because they are gone.
We had the staff meal the other night and that was a good opportunity to let my hair down. Now that I live locally and I don't have to drive I can actually have a drink without having to count units. Only problem was trying to keep my mind (and eyes) in the right place. Really not easy - why does it have to be this difficult?
Anyway, I've just about reached my limit for energy right now. If I am being honest I am not really in the mood for tomorrow night (invited out for the evening) but I guess I will be fine once I am actually there and things are going on. I really don't want to go out con Christmas day though. I just want to be at home and sleep. I know that I have to go and see the remains of the family but I am not sure that I really want to.. One thing that I have learned about myself is that I can be really quite unsociable when I reach a certain point of tiredness. Im not the most outgoing person at the best of times but there are certain things that just make me want to shut up shop and head inwards. It's probably best to force myself not to but it feels like the instinctive thing to do.
Right now all I really want from Christmas is a long time in my own bed, a nice meal and a bottle of wine. Don't thing much of that is on the cards really. Frankly I hate the idea of going away at Christmas. Used to hat it as a child, still hate it now.
I remember when I was really young, like four or five, I used to spend Christmas up at my Grand parents house in Oxford. We used to travel up on Christmas eve. Once we got there I would go out into the large garden, looking for twigs to help start the log fire for the evening, or possibly up onto Shotover Hill into the woods. Once the fire was lit we were all in the main living room area and I remember it being warm and cosy. Eventually at night I was packed off to bed. Mum and Dad would eventually follow. I would then be woken up again by them leaving for midnight mass, falling asleep for a while, and then being woken by them coming back again. The room I used to stay in was a strange one, it had thin, rectangular fanlight windows along one wall, almost at roof level, and the first I knew of them coming back was seeing the car headlights glance through them. At that point I just remember waking up on Christmas day, usually to the sound and smell of food being prepared. Grandpa and I used to check through the fine ashes to look for embers from the night before and use these to relight the fire - I don't know how that started, probably my curiosity, but it became a sort of ritual. At that point, everything revolved around the living room and the kitchen area, usually with me being accused of getting in the way. There were usually other family members, Aunts, Uncles coming by after Church, never a quiet moment. At the time it felt like an upheaval. Now it seems like the golden age, representing everything that I wish Christmas could still be for me, and bringing a tear to my eye when I fondly remember those who have passed. Infact, there's hardly any of the family left at all.
I know that the Lord must call us all home eventually, and those who are called should be remembered fondly and not mourned but this is really getting to me right now. I can remember exactly how it was, how the people were back then, the way I want to remember them, and for all the fond memories, I cant help but cry because they are gone.
Monday, 10 December 2012
Good times
OK, so there's been much that has happened over the last couple of weeks. the incidental stuff is that work is going well, business has picked up and there is a small supply of stock on the items that people want so we can actually sell stuff. I've ordered a new iMac and that is due to ship in the next couple of days so the music studio will be back up and running with some new hardware.
The parting gift from the old setup was finished a couple of days ago and frankly its its a song that Ive been wanting to write for so long. Ive had a crack at it a couple of times and not really got anywhere with it but now I have some real progress and a finished article. Its a Gospel House track, a preacher style sermon split into two verses, set over a tradition house sound. Quite simple in many respects but done with passion and sincerity. The inspiration came from a couple of sources. I listen to a fair amount of Gospel House music anyway, I'm a big fan of DJ Revelation and the style of music he plays. I also remember a song called "The Prophet" by CJ Bolland - that was far more tongue in cheek and almost a parody of evangelical preaching, I liked the style but wanted to 'play it straight' with what I feel.
Any how, it feels good to have done it and got it out there, I just wish and pray that there is some more of this kind of stuff inside me, that just maybe, this could be a calling and I can do something with it.
I have often thought that if I could ever be so bold as to make a deal with God, I would ask that I was able to sing as well as write and produce, and in exchange I would use this talent only to His glory. It doesn't work like that, and I am happy with what I have, but if the opportunity arose...
Anyway, other than that - I have the day off work today so I will be putting up the Christmas Tree and tinsel and then I have a friend coming down to stay tomorrow night and Wednesday as I am off work again. After that the days off are all used up for a while and the mad patch begins. I love it but it is pretty tiring.
On another matter, I still have some feelings towards someone that I wish I could shift. Nothing will come from them, nothing can come form them, not least because they have a partner and further more, with a 10 year age gap between us, I'd feel like a dirty old man if I made the first move. Age is nothing, I know, there was a decade between Mum and Dad and they would still be together now, had she not been taken from us. However, when an older man is with a younger woman... I just wouldn't ever want to be accused of taking advantage.
Anyway, it cant happen for various reasons, I just wish I didn't find them so attractive, I just wish I didn't 'get them' on a personal level. It would just be easier if there was an off switch.
The parting gift from the old setup was finished a couple of days ago and frankly its its a song that Ive been wanting to write for so long. Ive had a crack at it a couple of times and not really got anywhere with it but now I have some real progress and a finished article. Its a Gospel House track, a preacher style sermon split into two verses, set over a tradition house sound. Quite simple in many respects but done with passion and sincerity. The inspiration came from a couple of sources. I listen to a fair amount of Gospel House music anyway, I'm a big fan of DJ Revelation and the style of music he plays. I also remember a song called "The Prophet" by CJ Bolland - that was far more tongue in cheek and almost a parody of evangelical preaching, I liked the style but wanted to 'play it straight' with what I feel.
Any how, it feels good to have done it and got it out there, I just wish and pray that there is some more of this kind of stuff inside me, that just maybe, this could be a calling and I can do something with it.
I have often thought that if I could ever be so bold as to make a deal with God, I would ask that I was able to sing as well as write and produce, and in exchange I would use this talent only to His glory. It doesn't work like that, and I am happy with what I have, but if the opportunity arose...
Anyway, other than that - I have the day off work today so I will be putting up the Christmas Tree and tinsel and then I have a friend coming down to stay tomorrow night and Wednesday as I am off work again. After that the days off are all used up for a while and the mad patch begins. I love it but it is pretty tiring.
On another matter, I still have some feelings towards someone that I wish I could shift. Nothing will come from them, nothing can come form them, not least because they have a partner and further more, with a 10 year age gap between us, I'd feel like a dirty old man if I made the first move. Age is nothing, I know, there was a decade between Mum and Dad and they would still be together now, had she not been taken from us. However, when an older man is with a younger woman... I just wouldn't ever want to be accused of taking advantage.
Anyway, it cant happen for various reasons, I just wish I didn't find them so attractive, I just wish I didn't 'get them' on a personal level. It would just be easier if there was an off switch.
Monday, 26 November 2012
Its been a while
Ok, so I haven't posted anything on here for a while. To be honest, there's not much going on. The Christmas run up is not going as well as it could be - the fact that of the main products that people want, one is permanently out of stock and one is not even release yet, it really doesn't help the situation. It's just getting a little wearing not having the stuff in stock and some customers are starting to get aggressive over it.
I've been off today - rostered day off to recover a bit! I don't know why but I feel really depressed, I have the same feeling inside as a few years ago when I was in between previous and current employers. I can only assume that it's a lack of sunlight or something. That said, it was sunny today and I went out to the shops for a while so I did get a decent level of 'exposure'. I don't know - things just feel strange right now.
I don't seem to have any enthusiasm, I feel lethargic and almost frustrated - but I don't know what with.
I've been off today - rostered day off to recover a bit! I don't know why but I feel really depressed, I have the same feeling inside as a few years ago when I was in between previous and current employers. I can only assume that it's a lack of sunlight or something. That said, it was sunny today and I went out to the shops for a while so I did get a decent level of 'exposure'. I don't know - things just feel strange right now.
I don't seem to have any enthusiasm, I feel lethargic and almost frustrated - but I don't know what with.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
