Why do I suffer from Pygmalion syndrome?! Why do I feel attracted to the most hopeless, needy and classless people? I really don't get it. It just seems that someone who I might find moderately attractive as a person suddenly becomes infinitely more attractive and desirable under those circumstances.
It's so hard to describe without seeming to be nasty and snobbish. Anyway, there's someone who I quite like but they seem to be more attractive for being a little rough around the edges. I think maybe I am going to have tom come to terms with the idea that I seem to be attracted to 'bad girls' with a vulnerable streak.
That, I guess, make me a grade A fuck-up. I hate myself for it but I can't help it.
Saturday 22 November 2014
Monday 25 August 2014
Really? Really?!
It's one of those days when you shouldn't look at Facebook! So I see that someone who I really like would appear to have separated from their partner. I expressed and interest and made my intentions clear before they met up with them. I wasn't successful then so I'll keep my council now. All I know is that I'm not out to be a game player and take advantage of people. I've offered a little bridge, if they choose to take it up and build upon it I'd be receptive. Chances are it won't happen and I'll have to let it go.
On another note, I was at a family do yesterday and I had to deal with my cousin and her partner with their baby. The first thing that springs to mind is a child outside of marriage. Fine for them as they don't subscribe to the views that I do - but there is no way that I could have a child with someone without being married. That said, chances of finding someone else that shares that sentiment are looking slimmer by the moment.
It just feels like a couple of days of being kicked in the teeth for various reasons but with a few good sides as well. What I think it seems to say to me is that time is running out. I need to find someone really quickly and actually get down to getting what I want.
it's not as easy as that, it's a case of convincing myself that I want to trade / sacrifice / share what I have built up un my life so far and allow someone else in to potentially compromise that and take away what I have achieved so far. And that comes down to trust, or more precisely - my inherent lack of it.
It's all a bit of a mess really and I don't seem to be making that much of a good job of dealing with it. I kind of want it all, in my own way and on my own terms. The chances of fining someone that will be happy to fit in with that idea is pretty slim.
Its all a bit of a mess really.
On another note, I was at a family do yesterday and I had to deal with my cousin and her partner with their baby. The first thing that springs to mind is a child outside of marriage. Fine for them as they don't subscribe to the views that I do - but there is no way that I could have a child with someone without being married. That said, chances of finding someone else that shares that sentiment are looking slimmer by the moment.
It just feels like a couple of days of being kicked in the teeth for various reasons but with a few good sides as well. What I think it seems to say to me is that time is running out. I need to find someone really quickly and actually get down to getting what I want.
it's not as easy as that, it's a case of convincing myself that I want to trade / sacrifice / share what I have built up un my life so far and allow someone else in to potentially compromise that and take away what I have achieved so far. And that comes down to trust, or more precisely - my inherent lack of it.
It's all a bit of a mess really and I don't seem to be making that much of a good job of dealing with it. I kind of want it all, in my own way and on my own terms. The chances of fining someone that will be happy to fit in with that idea is pretty slim.
Its all a bit of a mess really.
Wednesday 6 August 2014
Minor victories
After a few well aimed emails, I am pleased - and indeed a little proud to say that the scaffolding outside the flats is beginning to disappear. The bits that I am directly concerned with, outside my balcony and above it blocking the light are completely dismantled and it looks like the rest are on the way down as well.
Sounds like a little think but it is SO much bigger than that. It means that everything on the balcony has a decent amount of light again. My chillies have light as well as heat, my tomatoes might also ripen and will stop being drawn towards the little light that was left. The rest of the plants hopefully will return to flowering and the cacti that I have inside will get back to growing and flowering.
I think that it is telling that the council have pretty much passed the buck at every stage and refused to answer any of my emails. On the other hand, the contractors, Ian Williams Ltd, have been extremely helpful white their contractors on site and in their email responses. Not looking too good for Wiltshire Council then!
Wiltshire Council, I call you out! I pay council tax every month, you are MY employee! Why do you not even answer my emails? Maybe I will ignore your requests for payment for a wile?! I bet that doesn't last me too long huh? I bet I get some hardcore, badass debt collector later within a few days! So where does that leave your lack of answers to my emails?!
None the less, a little victory that means far more than the deeds that have created it,
Lord, I thank you for the little things
And for those who make them happen.
May they be blessed,
Even though they may not know the significance of what they do.
For those of us who benefit from their actions,
May we realise that our gratitude is best shared,
By doing deeds that will bring benefit to others.
And passing on the little things that make life that much better.
IJN, Amen.
Sounds like a little think but it is SO much bigger than that. It means that everything on the balcony has a decent amount of light again. My chillies have light as well as heat, my tomatoes might also ripen and will stop being drawn towards the little light that was left. The rest of the plants hopefully will return to flowering and the cacti that I have inside will get back to growing and flowering.
I think that it is telling that the council have pretty much passed the buck at every stage and refused to answer any of my emails. On the other hand, the contractors, Ian Williams Ltd, have been extremely helpful white their contractors on site and in their email responses. Not looking too good for Wiltshire Council then!
Wiltshire Council, I call you out! I pay council tax every month, you are MY employee! Why do you not even answer my emails? Maybe I will ignore your requests for payment for a wile?! I bet that doesn't last me too long huh? I bet I get some hardcore, badass debt collector later within a few days! So where does that leave your lack of answers to my emails?!
None the less, a little victory that means far more than the deeds that have created it,
Lord, I thank you for the little things
And for those who make them happen.
May they be blessed,
Even though they may not know the significance of what they do.
For those of us who benefit from their actions,
May we realise that our gratitude is best shared,
By doing deeds that will bring benefit to others.
And passing on the little things that make life that much better.
IJN, Amen.
Sunday 3 August 2014
A weeks holiday
So I've been on holiday for the last week. Started it off in style with a day at the cricket, watching England Vs India. That was a really good day out, shared with Dad. I felt a bit guilty about not telling him that I'd booked the whole week as holiday but if I had, he's have only invited himself into it some how - probably with a forceful invite for me to go and spend a few days with him instead.
What I really needed, and I'm pleased to say that I was able to achieve, was a few days of doing what I wanted when I wanted to do it. I cleared up the balcony and replanted - not that there was a huge point to that as the scaffolding that killed the last lot of plants by cutting off the light is still in place so the new ones probably won't do that well, but I can't stand dead plants and empty spaces. I repotted my cacti and ended up with pickles all over my hands for my troubles! Did a few other housekeeping and DIY bits that Id been putting off as well.
Other than that I pretty much chilled out and tried to de-stress as much as I could do. I know that I'm going back into it tomorrow. It might have been a week away but all the problems are still there when I go back in. At least I have enough energy back to try and take them on again.
I went to see a couple of good friends and my God Daughter yesterday. I know I am biassed, but she is so sweet. I think I am feeling broody again! Think maybe I should do something about finding someone and getting a family started.
I am feeling very much in tune with what I want long term as life goals but I am also feeling more positive about them than I have done for a long time. God willing, they will come to fruition and His will might bring me what I want to be happy.
So, all in all I am in a reasonably good place right now. Ask me again after a few days back at work!
What I really needed, and I'm pleased to say that I was able to achieve, was a few days of doing what I wanted when I wanted to do it. I cleared up the balcony and replanted - not that there was a huge point to that as the scaffolding that killed the last lot of plants by cutting off the light is still in place so the new ones probably won't do that well, but I can't stand dead plants and empty spaces. I repotted my cacti and ended up with pickles all over my hands for my troubles! Did a few other housekeeping and DIY bits that Id been putting off as well.
Other than that I pretty much chilled out and tried to de-stress as much as I could do. I know that I'm going back into it tomorrow. It might have been a week away but all the problems are still there when I go back in. At least I have enough energy back to try and take them on again.
I went to see a couple of good friends and my God Daughter yesterday. I know I am biassed, but she is so sweet. I think I am feeling broody again! Think maybe I should do something about finding someone and getting a family started.
I am feeling very much in tune with what I want long term as life goals but I am also feeling more positive about them than I have done for a long time. God willing, they will come to fruition and His will might bring me what I want to be happy.
So, all in all I am in a reasonably good place right now. Ask me again after a few days back at work!
Sunday 20 July 2014
So tired
I'm feeling so tired right now. I've been on 6 and 7 day weeks for the last couple of months and it's really starting to take a toll on me. There's been some up sides too - the money has been very welcome and has given me a decent income for a couple of months where it would otherwise have been pretty minimal. That said, it's reached the point where I cant really keep this up much longer. Luckily, I don't have to - I only have one week to go before I have a weeks holiday.
The money has come in handy, I've been on a little spending spree. I bought the motorbike a set of straight pipes and it's rekindled my love for biking again!
One way or another though I'm feeling pretty run down and pretty lack lustre. I'm planning a day away tomorrow as I have a day off. I'm planning on taking the bike down to Lulworth Cove for the day and chilling out for a while. Take a walk along the coast for a few miles then chill out on the beach for the afternoon.
Its not exactly going to undo weeks of overworking but it might just gove me the strength to get through the next week. Either way, I'm really tired right now and my usual sleep cycle is gone, replaced by a cycle of sleeping based on urgency.
I don't feel tired most of the time, but when I do go to sleep I basically pass out until the morning - a couple of nights ago I managed to pass out and sleep right through a thunderstorm that passed directly overhead.
Work wise, it seems to be change over time. People are leaving and new people hopefully joining. The combination of staff loss and holiday time seems to have left me in this overall situation. For the first time ever, there's a continuous block of holidays for the best part of three months, combined with staff leaving at the same time, so that creates the need for me to work so many days at a time. I could really do with the money though so somehow I will find the energy to see it through and take the cash, after all - "it's money, take it and buy things with it".
The money has come in handy, I've been on a little spending spree. I bought the motorbike a set of straight pipes and it's rekindled my love for biking again!
One way or another though I'm feeling pretty run down and pretty lack lustre. I'm planning a day away tomorrow as I have a day off. I'm planning on taking the bike down to Lulworth Cove for the day and chilling out for a while. Take a walk along the coast for a few miles then chill out on the beach for the afternoon.
Its not exactly going to undo weeks of overworking but it might just gove me the strength to get through the next week. Either way, I'm really tired right now and my usual sleep cycle is gone, replaced by a cycle of sleeping based on urgency.
I don't feel tired most of the time, but when I do go to sleep I basically pass out until the morning - a couple of nights ago I managed to pass out and sleep right through a thunderstorm that passed directly overhead.
Work wise, it seems to be change over time. People are leaving and new people hopefully joining. The combination of staff loss and holiday time seems to have left me in this overall situation. For the first time ever, there's a continuous block of holidays for the best part of three months, combined with staff leaving at the same time, so that creates the need for me to work so many days at a time. I could really do with the money though so somehow I will find the energy to see it through and take the cash, after all - "it's money, take it and buy things with it".
Saturday 28 June 2014
Everything just seems to be turning to poop
It just seems that right now, everything that I try to achieve is turning to poop. I get the balcony looking nice, the council want to repaint the exterior of the building so somehow I will probably end up having to try to move plants that are growing up the trellis work on the balcony - not easy.
The car made it to France and back, but it seems that a bolt holding the coil pack in place sheared of (or was sheared by the garage she they serviced it - but I can't prove that) so I had to kludge a fix on that - but I don't know if it will hold or not.
I decided to treat myself to a new set of after-market pipes on the motorbike. I've ordered them and they've turned up with no fitting instructions and no contents list. I can't help but feel that there could well be some bolts and brackets missing as there don't seem to be any fittings in the box that I can see.
It just seems to be one thing after another at the moment. None of them are significant in their own right but it just seems to be adding up to a bigger pile of do-do. What really seems to be getting me is that the more I try to do a little something to cheer me up, the more it gets thrown back in my face.
Work is adding to the stress at the moment too. I have a new starter on board to replace one that has left. TRo give them their due, they have worked for one of our competitors before so know a little bit of the role so they're further ahead on the curve than the average newbie. What then piles on the pressure is that there's another member of the team on holiday for 2 weeks. The fact that they've taken a 2 week block really pisses me off. I can't stop them - it's their right to do it, but it;s the fact that they do it every time. They do all the customer training when they are working so when they are not in, the rest of us have to rally round to cover their sessions. In itself, that would be manageable for a week, but 2 weeks just pushes the stress level through the roof. When other people are off, the sales team can still sell because the training is covered. When this person is off no-one can get on with their job properly.
On the up side, that means that there should be some overtime going begging - and I think I am going to need it. That's one thing that the company bonus structure can't take away from me. They can cap my bonus if other staff members screw up but they can't take away my overtime.
Other than that, there's all the other little irritating things that are going on right now. I'm still trying to flog myself down the gym to try and hit my target weight - getting there but it's really slow going right now. I have one particular friend who is determined to push me into online dating and they are starting to get on my nerves again. Hopefully they'll back off for a while. They're right of course, but I'm just not in the right place or time to do anything about it at the moment. I don't have the money to sustain a dating routine, I don't have the time to put into it and right now I don't have the energy to do myself justice in looking for a partner.
All little things, so many little things, all biting at me. I have a week's holiday at the end of July, a month away. I think the plan will be to cling on for dear life until then and see if I can get back on an even keel.
The car made it to France and back, but it seems that a bolt holding the coil pack in place sheared of (or was sheared by the garage she they serviced it - but I can't prove that) so I had to kludge a fix on that - but I don't know if it will hold or not.
I decided to treat myself to a new set of after-market pipes on the motorbike. I've ordered them and they've turned up with no fitting instructions and no contents list. I can't help but feel that there could well be some bolts and brackets missing as there don't seem to be any fittings in the box that I can see.
It just seems to be one thing after another at the moment. None of them are significant in their own right but it just seems to be adding up to a bigger pile of do-do. What really seems to be getting me is that the more I try to do a little something to cheer me up, the more it gets thrown back in my face.
Work is adding to the stress at the moment too. I have a new starter on board to replace one that has left. TRo give them their due, they have worked for one of our competitors before so know a little bit of the role so they're further ahead on the curve than the average newbie. What then piles on the pressure is that there's another member of the team on holiday for 2 weeks. The fact that they've taken a 2 week block really pisses me off. I can't stop them - it's their right to do it, but it;s the fact that they do it every time. They do all the customer training when they are working so when they are not in, the rest of us have to rally round to cover their sessions. In itself, that would be manageable for a week, but 2 weeks just pushes the stress level through the roof. When other people are off, the sales team can still sell because the training is covered. When this person is off no-one can get on with their job properly.
On the up side, that means that there should be some overtime going begging - and I think I am going to need it. That's one thing that the company bonus structure can't take away from me. They can cap my bonus if other staff members screw up but they can't take away my overtime.
Other than that, there's all the other little irritating things that are going on right now. I'm still trying to flog myself down the gym to try and hit my target weight - getting there but it's really slow going right now. I have one particular friend who is determined to push me into online dating and they are starting to get on my nerves again. Hopefully they'll back off for a while. They're right of course, but I'm just not in the right place or time to do anything about it at the moment. I don't have the money to sustain a dating routine, I don't have the time to put into it and right now I don't have the energy to do myself justice in looking for a partner.
All little things, so many little things, all biting at me. I have a week's holiday at the end of July, a month away. I think the plan will be to cling on for dear life until then and see if I can get back on an even keel.
Tuesday 20 May 2014
The smell of rotting flesh
Oh man, the body might have been removed on Sunday night but now that the door has been broken in and the seal in it compromised the stench that is filling the hallway now is ridiculous. It's so bad that I haven't been out of the flat today because I don't want to plough through the smell.
I've put scented oils in the hall near the door and that seems to have held the smell at any for now. So anyway, since Sunday night when the police forced entry, there's been not activity there at all. I don't know what protocol is for this sort of situation, not ever having been here before, but would seriously thought that someone would have been in to clean the place up by now. In the interests in environmental health, if nothing else.
Not the start to the weeks holiday that I was looking for...
I've put scented oils in the hall near the door and that seems to have held the smell at any for now. So anyway, since Sunday night when the police forced entry, there's been not activity there at all. I don't know what protocol is for this sort of situation, not ever having been here before, but would seriously thought that someone would have been in to clean the place up by now. In the interests in environmental health, if nothing else.
Not the start to the weeks holiday that I was looking for...
Monday 19 May 2014
You couldn't script this shit...
Oh dude, where to begin?! you couldn't script this shit if your life depended on it. Straight to the headline, so to speak:
The od guy in the apartment opposite me is dead, he was lying in his apartment for 5-6 weeks, undiscovered.
OK, so that's the headline, but there's much more to it than that. Basically, she I came home last night, I looked up at his window for some reason. I saw it crawling with flies - I mean hundreds of them. So I looked diagonally across from my bedroom window to his living room window - it's not a clear view, but it was more than enough. The window ledge was covered with so many dead flies that the paintwork was hardly visible.
Backtracking, I hadn't seen the guy for a number of weeks - but then the last conversation that I had with him, he told me he had just bought a new house in another part of the city. I've also been working pretty much every hour that I can at work too. So combined together, I was aware that I hadn't seen him in a while, but equally I wasn't expecting to, nor was I counting days since I last saw him.
What I'm really dealing with here are my excuses for not noticing quicker, that somehow might make me feel a little less guilty for the fact that I let my neighbours' dead body go undiscovered for 5-6 weeks dimly because I did not piece together all the clues.
And the clues were there, with hindsight. Hindsight, always 20/20, never failing and completely logical and rational. So, with such valiant vision, here are the clues:
He was unseen by me for many days, certainly weeks.
The communal hallways had a smell of "bins" that came and went over the course of the last few days.
Despite the last conversation that he was moving out, I never saw any real evidence that he had moved.
So there we go, with that miracle of hindsight, nice and easy to deduce, my dear Watson. It should have all set alarm bells ringing far sooner than it actually did. I feel so guilty for not realising sooner. Yet also so angry that there were clearly no fiends or family that were there to help him..
So anyway, I called the police out last night on the basis of the evidence that I had seen. they forced and entry and found what remained of him in there. God rest his soul.
So we skip forward to today, and now that the seal is broken on the door and there is airflow thorough the apartment, the acrid, putrid stench is everywhere. It is in the hallway and seeping into my apartment. Not just mine, everybody else's for that matter. It just seems such a dark thing ti happen, like something from a TV show. My head can't rely cope with it, nor can my sense of smell if I am being flippant.
i feel so sorry for the guy, that it came to this - that his life ended like this. He was only in his early 60's. That said, he was a heavy drinker - to the point of having a problem with it - and he was really unsteady on his feet. So what it really triggers off in me is this:
I feel upset that it has happened
I feel sorry for I'm and pray for his soul
I feel guilty that I did not piece together everything sooner
I feel scared that, in many years time, that could be me.
Right now I have no one who is of a similar age or younger that would be there to help me in old age, that could so easily be me in so many levels. Ok, I am not an alcoholic, I have family around men at the moment but that can change. I don;t think, God willing, I would become an d alcoholic, but all my family network are older than me. At this rate the time will come then I am on my own with no one else around me to help me through.
I need to find a partner and spawn some offspring as soon as possible.
Arthur McCarten, RIP - I was 'only' a neighbour, Lord knows I tried to do that right, but you still passed and I could't stop it.
May the lord keep you safe in heaven for eternity.
The od guy in the apartment opposite me is dead, he was lying in his apartment for 5-6 weeks, undiscovered.
OK, so that's the headline, but there's much more to it than that. Basically, she I came home last night, I looked up at his window for some reason. I saw it crawling with flies - I mean hundreds of them. So I looked diagonally across from my bedroom window to his living room window - it's not a clear view, but it was more than enough. The window ledge was covered with so many dead flies that the paintwork was hardly visible.
Backtracking, I hadn't seen the guy for a number of weeks - but then the last conversation that I had with him, he told me he had just bought a new house in another part of the city. I've also been working pretty much every hour that I can at work too. So combined together, I was aware that I hadn't seen him in a while, but equally I wasn't expecting to, nor was I counting days since I last saw him.
What I'm really dealing with here are my excuses for not noticing quicker, that somehow might make me feel a little less guilty for the fact that I let my neighbours' dead body go undiscovered for 5-6 weeks dimly because I did not piece together all the clues.
And the clues were there, with hindsight. Hindsight, always 20/20, never failing and completely logical and rational. So, with such valiant vision, here are the clues:
He was unseen by me for many days, certainly weeks.
The communal hallways had a smell of "bins" that came and went over the course of the last few days.
Despite the last conversation that he was moving out, I never saw any real evidence that he had moved.
So there we go, with that miracle of hindsight, nice and easy to deduce, my dear Watson. It should have all set alarm bells ringing far sooner than it actually did. I feel so guilty for not realising sooner. Yet also so angry that there were clearly no fiends or family that were there to help him..
So anyway, I called the police out last night on the basis of the evidence that I had seen. they forced and entry and found what remained of him in there. God rest his soul.
So we skip forward to today, and now that the seal is broken on the door and there is airflow thorough the apartment, the acrid, putrid stench is everywhere. It is in the hallway and seeping into my apartment. Not just mine, everybody else's for that matter. It just seems such a dark thing ti happen, like something from a TV show. My head can't rely cope with it, nor can my sense of smell if I am being flippant.
i feel so sorry for the guy, that it came to this - that his life ended like this. He was only in his early 60's. That said, he was a heavy drinker - to the point of having a problem with it - and he was really unsteady on his feet. So what it really triggers off in me is this:
I feel upset that it has happened
I feel sorry for I'm and pray for his soul
I feel guilty that I did not piece together everything sooner
I feel scared that, in many years time, that could be me.
Right now I have no one who is of a similar age or younger that would be there to help me in old age, that could so easily be me in so many levels. Ok, I am not an alcoholic, I have family around men at the moment but that can change. I don;t think, God willing, I would become an d alcoholic, but all my family network are older than me. At this rate the time will come then I am on my own with no one else around me to help me through.
I need to find a partner and spawn some offspring as soon as possible.
Arthur McCarten, RIP - I was 'only' a neighbour, Lord knows I tried to do that right, but you still passed and I could't stop it.
May the lord keep you safe in heaven for eternity.
Wednesday 9 April 2014
Update
Ok, so I don't really know where to begin but I feel like an update is probably due. So, in no particular order…
Lent is actually really irritating me this year. What should be a moment of spiritual strength and growth is just really grating at the moment. I will see it through but it is just not having the desired effect. I just feel really lack-lustre at the moment. I am struggling to find the energy to train effectively at the gym as well. I can't help but wonder if it is some kind of dietary thing. Maybe I am not eating enough of the right thing. I am taking vitamin and iron supplements as I know that I am on a restricted intake so I don't think that it would be that. The only other thing that has changed in my diet recently is the removal of cheese for Lent. But calcium deficiency does't cause lack of energy does it? Maybe it does. Might be time to start drinking more milk to try and compensate for the lack of cheese. The only other thing that it might be, is that I used to eat a banana for breakfast and recently I have not been - basically because I haven't been feeling hungry. I guess that I will have to try to get back into the habit.
Other than that, I just want the summer to hurry up - I am itching to get the balcony planted up and looking good again. The car is about to cost me a packet I think, it's that time again - insurance, tam, service, MOT and breakdown cover. All in the same month! And then the motorbike is due service and MOT the month after, and I am going on holiday so will have to find some money for that too…
Weight wise, I am now down to 12 stone 2 lbs - slowly creeping down but it is harder and harder work to keep any kind of momentum. At the same time, my lifting ability is ebbing away on a couple of excursuses, mainly the chest based ones - bench press, pecs etc. So I am trying to eat plenty of protein to support the excursuses that I am doing, but trying to keep down my overall intake to facilitate weight loss. It seems the be reaching the point where the two are nearly incompatible. The amount that I am eating at the moment (or not eating to be precise) is really not helpful. I am way under calorie count most days and I am definitely under all other RDAs. I just wish that I could loose the remaining stone and a half to get down to my ideal weight.
All in all, it's a pretty trying time and I am feeling seriously 'meh' about it all at the moment. Nothing is going wrong per se, but things aren't exactly a bed of roses either.
Lent is actually really irritating me this year. What should be a moment of spiritual strength and growth is just really grating at the moment. I will see it through but it is just not having the desired effect. I just feel really lack-lustre at the moment. I am struggling to find the energy to train effectively at the gym as well. I can't help but wonder if it is some kind of dietary thing. Maybe I am not eating enough of the right thing. I am taking vitamin and iron supplements as I know that I am on a restricted intake so I don't think that it would be that. The only other thing that has changed in my diet recently is the removal of cheese for Lent. But calcium deficiency does't cause lack of energy does it? Maybe it does. Might be time to start drinking more milk to try and compensate for the lack of cheese. The only other thing that it might be, is that I used to eat a banana for breakfast and recently I have not been - basically because I haven't been feeling hungry. I guess that I will have to try to get back into the habit.
Other than that, I just want the summer to hurry up - I am itching to get the balcony planted up and looking good again. The car is about to cost me a packet I think, it's that time again - insurance, tam, service, MOT and breakdown cover. All in the same month! And then the motorbike is due service and MOT the month after, and I am going on holiday so will have to find some money for that too…
Weight wise, I am now down to 12 stone 2 lbs - slowly creeping down but it is harder and harder work to keep any kind of momentum. At the same time, my lifting ability is ebbing away on a couple of excursuses, mainly the chest based ones - bench press, pecs etc. So I am trying to eat plenty of protein to support the excursuses that I am doing, but trying to keep down my overall intake to facilitate weight loss. It seems the be reaching the point where the two are nearly incompatible. The amount that I am eating at the moment (or not eating to be precise) is really not helpful. I am way under calorie count most days and I am definitely under all other RDAs. I just wish that I could loose the remaining stone and a half to get down to my ideal weight.
All in all, it's a pretty trying time and I am feeling seriously 'meh' about it all at the moment. Nothing is going wrong per se, but things aren't exactly a bed of roses either.
Sunday 23 March 2014
The musings of a madman
Just feeling a little restless, that all. Work is pretty crap, business is down and the team is slowly falling apart and there's nothing that I can do. People leaving and people bringing in their problems from home, etc… Money is now a constant struggle. Basically I don't have any. My staff keep fucking up the mystery shop visit and that is costing me my bonus. They don't care, they're leaving or don't have the financial commitment to actually need the money.
I always used to live my life on the rule that whatever my finical commitments, I wold never exceed my basic pay outgoings that I had to make. It's now at the point where I' about to break that and I have no guarantee of anything further whilst the staff keep loosing me my bonus. There isn't much I can do to deal with it.
The horrible truth is that I haven't had a pay rise in 5 years, My bonus has been eroded away by head office moving the goal posts and by the staff pissing away what I have earned, through their own laziness and incompetence. I can't hold them to account without head office getting on the way, but they're costing me money month after month - with the exception of one staff member who actually wants to get involved and make progress.
I don't want to leave where I work but it is getting to the point where their choice not to give me a pay rise is making me finically unviable. With my ratio of income to liabilities, if I was a company- I'd be in administration right now. Now quite bankrupt, but needing special measures to see things through.
So the answer would seem to be to find either a second job or to find a different job with better pay. Frankly the second job thing is not going to be a viable option - I've looked and I con't seem to find anything that will fit around the times I want to be down the gym.
So that leaves looking for a different job. Not sure what that's likely to bring. I'm sure there are things within retail that i could move to but I would really like to make a move outside of retail, maybe to something a little less volatile and certainly less target driven. I keep thinking that there may be something that I can do with my ACSP qualification but there does't seem to be anything obvious. In either case, it needs to be able to pay a basic that is substantially higher than what i am earning now, especially if there is any commuting involved.
But then again, where I am financially would not be so bad had I not bitten off more than I can chew in respect of financial investments and security that my IFA has pushed my way. That seems to have crept up and been more expensive at every step and it has basically crossed the line between ending affordable and making my finical position unviable. But all the different elements are so intertwined that I can't see a way of unpicking one from another and making life easier. I'm stuck with a load of witty insurances that I don't see the value in, but then the commission that my IFA gets from those is paying the handling fees for my stocks and shares ISA which keeps that profitable. I don't see a way of picking this lot apart and making it any more viable.
Don't get me wrong, compared with some people out there, I am still OK. At the moment the mortgage payments on the mortgage are safe and for that I am truly thankful. At the same time, I feel that I am justified in wanting to progress and do better in life, earn more money to be stable again.
I guess I'm just feeling the pinch at the moment. It's ironic really, all the time that the country was in the shit, I was blessed enough not to feel it. NOw that the economy is allegedly on the up, I am finically squeezed to a level that i advent felt since I first moved out of home, back in Basingstoke just after I left uni. Back then it was playing off the bank balance to pay day and making money go round twice. Its not that bad now, but its getting closer. I need and want a way out.
Lord, money may not be the everything in this world,
I may not be able to take it with me when I leave,
And I know there are many people with far less
Than I possess in this life.
Yet none-the-less I ask,
show me a way to be able to move forward,
To get back to a place of stability and prosperity
so that I may be able to provide for the partner and family
that I aspire to have.
So that I may enjoy a positive outlook on life
day by day
And have a a stability that allows me to build for the future.
I always used to live my life on the rule that whatever my finical commitments, I wold never exceed my basic pay outgoings that I had to make. It's now at the point where I' about to break that and I have no guarantee of anything further whilst the staff keep loosing me my bonus. There isn't much I can do to deal with it.
The horrible truth is that I haven't had a pay rise in 5 years, My bonus has been eroded away by head office moving the goal posts and by the staff pissing away what I have earned, through their own laziness and incompetence. I can't hold them to account without head office getting on the way, but they're costing me money month after month - with the exception of one staff member who actually wants to get involved and make progress.
I don't want to leave where I work but it is getting to the point where their choice not to give me a pay rise is making me finically unviable. With my ratio of income to liabilities, if I was a company- I'd be in administration right now. Now quite bankrupt, but needing special measures to see things through.
So the answer would seem to be to find either a second job or to find a different job with better pay. Frankly the second job thing is not going to be a viable option - I've looked and I con't seem to find anything that will fit around the times I want to be down the gym.
So that leaves looking for a different job. Not sure what that's likely to bring. I'm sure there are things within retail that i could move to but I would really like to make a move outside of retail, maybe to something a little less volatile and certainly less target driven. I keep thinking that there may be something that I can do with my ACSP qualification but there does't seem to be anything obvious. In either case, it needs to be able to pay a basic that is substantially higher than what i am earning now, especially if there is any commuting involved.
But then again, where I am financially would not be so bad had I not bitten off more than I can chew in respect of financial investments and security that my IFA has pushed my way. That seems to have crept up and been more expensive at every step and it has basically crossed the line between ending affordable and making my finical position unviable. But all the different elements are so intertwined that I can't see a way of unpicking one from another and making life easier. I'm stuck with a load of witty insurances that I don't see the value in, but then the commission that my IFA gets from those is paying the handling fees for my stocks and shares ISA which keeps that profitable. I don't see a way of picking this lot apart and making it any more viable.
Don't get me wrong, compared with some people out there, I am still OK. At the moment the mortgage payments on the mortgage are safe and for that I am truly thankful. At the same time, I feel that I am justified in wanting to progress and do better in life, earn more money to be stable again.
I guess I'm just feeling the pinch at the moment. It's ironic really, all the time that the country was in the shit, I was blessed enough not to feel it. NOw that the economy is allegedly on the up, I am finically squeezed to a level that i advent felt since I first moved out of home, back in Basingstoke just after I left uni. Back then it was playing off the bank balance to pay day and making money go round twice. Its not that bad now, but its getting closer. I need and want a way out.
Lord, money may not be the everything in this world,
I may not be able to take it with me when I leave,
And I know there are many people with far less
Than I possess in this life.
Yet none-the-less I ask,
show me a way to be able to move forward,
To get back to a place of stability and prosperity
so that I may be able to provide for the partner and family
that I aspire to have.
So that I may enjoy a positive outlook on life
day by day
And have a a stability that allows me to build for the future.
Monday 3 March 2014
Lent
So we reach this time of year again. The imminent arrival of the season that is Lent. The chance to focus upon our faith, our temptations and indeed, our resolve. And it comes at a moment when I am maybe feeling a little weaker in some areas.
There's a few things that maybe I need to return to my directly conscious mind. Firstly, I have never really found a Church here in Salisbury. There are many things that I wish I had, but a sense of community may well be the biggest. I don't know where I'm going to find it, but I certainly haven't done so yet.
I think back to Easters that have been before. Many years ago, I was travelling with someone that I then cared about - but we have drifted apart now and that is much for the better. But those years ago, Easter was a time that really had spiritual impact, something that I had community around me to appreciate. Then a few years later, I remember Easter at my local Church in Basingstoke at the time. The place where I was confirmed. That was a community of a kind. But it also served to show me what I din't want.
It was a 'nice' congregation. But it wasn't an inspirational congregation. It was very formal, very 'old school' and traditional. That's fine if you're only a few years away from shuffling off or you were born in the 50's. I want to celebrate and praise. I want to feel inspired and invigorated to take the feeling with me for the rest of the week.
I felt a little of that last year, when I went to Church with a more recent friend. It felt good, it felt right in respect of the celebratory elements of there service. That said, I realised that I have a bit of an issue with being self conscious in such situations. I wish I could loose that.
I wish I cloud find a local Church where I felt like I fitted in, where I could be me and worship in the style that I feel fits me as a person. But this is Salisbury, about as conservative and boringly middle England as it is possible to get.
Anyway, to Lent this year. I think I will give up much the same as I did last year. Perhaps with a couple of small changes.
My abstinence will be from the following;
So, as tomorrow is Shrove Tuesday and there is so little the before Lent begins, I pray and I hope to make these my focus for the period to follow…
Father, please guide me to find a local Church where I can feel at home
to be myself and worship and celebrate in a way that I feel comfortable with.
As this time approaches when I will deny myself things that I enjoy and crave,
please hear my prayers for the things that I need.
I need love, I need companionship.
I need someone to stand by my side as my equal.
I need someone who will love me as I love them.
I feel so lonely at the moment,
though I fill the time with whatever I can
so that I don't feel so empty.
Please move someone across my path that might make this happen.
Yet, as I pray for the things that I want,
please help me to see what I can do to help others,
to see the things that I can pray for to help them,
and to find the time to do so.
In Jesus Name
Amen
There's a few things that maybe I need to return to my directly conscious mind. Firstly, I have never really found a Church here in Salisbury. There are many things that I wish I had, but a sense of community may well be the biggest. I don't know where I'm going to find it, but I certainly haven't done so yet.
I think back to Easters that have been before. Many years ago, I was travelling with someone that I then cared about - but we have drifted apart now and that is much for the better. But those years ago, Easter was a time that really had spiritual impact, something that I had community around me to appreciate. Then a few years later, I remember Easter at my local Church in Basingstoke at the time. The place where I was confirmed. That was a community of a kind. But it also served to show me what I din't want.
It was a 'nice' congregation. But it wasn't an inspirational congregation. It was very formal, very 'old school' and traditional. That's fine if you're only a few years away from shuffling off or you were born in the 50's. I want to celebrate and praise. I want to feel inspired and invigorated to take the feeling with me for the rest of the week.
I felt a little of that last year, when I went to Church with a more recent friend. It felt good, it felt right in respect of the celebratory elements of there service. That said, I realised that I have a bit of an issue with being self conscious in such situations. I wish I could loose that.
I wish I cloud find a local Church where I felt like I fitted in, where I could be me and worship in the style that I feel fits me as a person. But this is Salisbury, about as conservative and boringly middle England as it is possible to get.
Anyway, to Lent this year. I think I will give up much the same as I did last year. Perhaps with a couple of small changes.
My abstinence will be from the following;
- Cheese, and all products containing cheese.
- Beer
- Cider
- Spirits / Fortified alcohol over 20% proof
I will also endevour to do the following;
- Spend at least 15 minutes each day in prayer and reflection - more time when circumstances allow.
- Follow the reading plan for the scriptures laid out here
So, as tomorrow is Shrove Tuesday and there is so little the before Lent begins, I pray and I hope to make these my focus for the period to follow…
Father, please guide me to find a local Church where I can feel at home
to be myself and worship and celebrate in a way that I feel comfortable with.
As this time approaches when I will deny myself things that I enjoy and crave,
please hear my prayers for the things that I need.
I need love, I need companionship.
I need someone to stand by my side as my equal.
I need someone who will love me as I love them.
I feel so lonely at the moment,
though I fill the time with whatever I can
so that I don't feel so empty.
Please move someone across my path that might make this happen.
Yet, as I pray for the things that I want,
please help me to see what I can do to help others,
to see the things that I can pray for to help them,
and to find the time to do so.
In Jesus Name
Amen
Friday 14 February 2014
Well, thats buggered it!
Game over. Crappy valentines day guaranteed. Looks like my romantic advances have fallen on barren ground. Not a great feeling - but if you don't ask, you'll never know. I asked, and now I know. It's just a bit gutting that it wasn't the answer that I was looking for.
But then what actually made me think for a minute that I deserved the answer that I wanted? I mean, lets face it - I'm not exactly good looking. I'm still overweight, albeit not as much overweight as I was a year ago. And in either case, I'm still stuck with the face I was born with.
From somewhere I managed to find some seriously uncharacteristic confidence to actually do something about my feelings, and now I'm just back to not really believing in myself again. I just wish there was some kind of way of putting myself 'on the open market' and just letting people that were attracted to me actually come to me - I guess that would be a pretty short queue anyway.
Not really feeling self pity, more a pretty sharp reality check. Deep down inside, I knew that this would be the outcome, yet somehow I stupidly put myself forward to the edge of the abyss. And promptly jumped straight off! So I'll free fall for a while, hit the bottom and then splatter in a big old mess. All I really need is some brave soul to pick up the pieces.
But for tonight, Mr Smirnoff will be my saviour.
But then what actually made me think for a minute that I deserved the answer that I wanted? I mean, lets face it - I'm not exactly good looking. I'm still overweight, albeit not as much overweight as I was a year ago. And in either case, I'm still stuck with the face I was born with.
From somewhere I managed to find some seriously uncharacteristic confidence to actually do something about my feelings, and now I'm just back to not really believing in myself again. I just wish there was some kind of way of putting myself 'on the open market' and just letting people that were attracted to me actually come to me - I guess that would be a pretty short queue anyway.
Not really feeling self pity, more a pretty sharp reality check. Deep down inside, I knew that this would be the outcome, yet somehow I stupidly put myself forward to the edge of the abyss. And promptly jumped straight off! So I'll free fall for a while, hit the bottom and then splatter in a big old mess. All I really need is some brave soul to pick up the pieces.
But for tonight, Mr Smirnoff will be my saviour.
Thursday 13 February 2014
I've only gone and done it now...
So, whether it was the right thing to do or not, I have sent a valentines card to the one who has been on my mind. I'm pretty miffed cos it looks like Moonpig send the damned thing a day early as she has just posed that she's received it already! Damn. No matter, there's not much I can do about that now.
I just can't help feeling that I'm in for a let down. I really want an chance to see if anything might happen between us and this may well not be the best way to go about it. Frankly I'm a bit rusty - I've never been a big one for 'having game' and what little I might have once had hasn't exactly had much use lately. If I'm being honest i don't really want to use it. I'd rather just be given the grace to be able to say the right thing and do the right thing to be able to get the one person that I want. It's not about playing the field, it's about playing for keeps. - Hey, that'd do for the concept for a song! Maybe...
Anyways, I'm frankly feeling a bit nervous about revealing myself tomorrow. I have a plan that should give the game away. I just don't know what sort of reception I'm going to get. I really can;t help but feel that it's going to be an "oh how sweet, but I'm just not interested" or a "I'm not looking for anything right now" or worse still, relegation into the 'friend zone'. Still, I've been in too many situations of wondering what if, or not being able to because there was someone else. There's no real reason why I shouldn't give it a try. When you start with nothing, you've got nothing to loose and in this case so much to gain. Could be in for a dark night tomorrow night though. If I'm being honest, I don't rate my chances. Too soon, not her type etc...
Father, I pray that you will is for this to happen
I found the courage to do this much - you gave me that.
I don't want to embarrass or hurt someone that I care about,
But I really want this to happen.
Please grant me the grace to know what to say and do,
To be able to express myself without causing any hurt or upset.
I don't want to be single anymore. I war happiness with someone I care about
And who cares about me.
I ask in Jesus name
Amen.
I just can't help feeling that I'm in for a let down. I really want an chance to see if anything might happen between us and this may well not be the best way to go about it. Frankly I'm a bit rusty - I've never been a big one for 'having game' and what little I might have once had hasn't exactly had much use lately. If I'm being honest i don't really want to use it. I'd rather just be given the grace to be able to say the right thing and do the right thing to be able to get the one person that I want. It's not about playing the field, it's about playing for keeps. - Hey, that'd do for the concept for a song! Maybe...
Anyways, I'm frankly feeling a bit nervous about revealing myself tomorrow. I have a plan that should give the game away. I just don't know what sort of reception I'm going to get. I really can;t help but feel that it's going to be an "oh how sweet, but I'm just not interested" or a "I'm not looking for anything right now" or worse still, relegation into the 'friend zone'. Still, I've been in too many situations of wondering what if, or not being able to because there was someone else. There's no real reason why I shouldn't give it a try. When you start with nothing, you've got nothing to loose and in this case so much to gain. Could be in for a dark night tomorrow night though. If I'm being honest, I don't rate my chances. Too soon, not her type etc...
Father, I pray that you will is for this to happen
I found the courage to do this much - you gave me that.
I don't want to embarrass or hurt someone that I care about,
But I really want this to happen.
Please grant me the grace to know what to say and do,
To be able to express myself without causing any hurt or upset.
I don't want to be single anymore. I war happiness with someone I care about
And who cares about me.
I ask in Jesus name
Amen.
Sunday 19 January 2014
Right before my eyes
Ok, I was working today when a certain someone came in. I mentioned in my last post that they've had a make over and are looking good - well they came in today and yup, they look fantastic! So there they were, right before me - looking oh so good. But they've just come out of a long term relationship and therefore I couldn't say anything even if I had the balls to.
So there we go - I realised I had an inters when they were working with me but couldn't because they were with someone and we worked together. Both of those obstacles are out of the way now but I don't know how they feel about me, and frankly i don't think that I have the confidence to actually say anything anyway. The more i look at myself in the mirror, the more I realise that I have a long way to go before I feel that I can have confidence on my appearance. I still have a lot of stomach fat to loose. I may have lost 5 stone and reached 13 stone in weight but that extra stone and a half to two stone is really noticeable to me. I need to get rid of it weigh a vengeance.
Maybe this is the prod I need to make me go the extra mile. I know who I want a chance to be with now. I don't really want to get into online dating at the moment, I want a chance to see if there is something here that might happen. So that means two things.
Firstly I need to double down and really push to get rid of the extra weight. I don't know how much less I can eat in a day and how much more exercise I can pack into a week but I think I need to push harder and see what i can do. I have been pretty weak and lax recently. I need to push on and toughen up on myself. I am sure that I can drop a naughty night each week and stop at one. I am also sure that I can regain the motivation not to eat in the evening. Recently I have been having a little snack when I have got back from the gym and whilst i have been under my RDA for calories still it has reduced the speed at which I have lost weight. I want and need to feel confident in my appearance, and be desirable to her. I need to look good. I have to force myself on, motivate myself to go even further and even harder - as the saying goes... "Go hard or go home!"
Secondly, I need to reevaluate and reprogram my thoughts and expectations in terms of relationships. I seem to be so quick to jump at things right now, almost overkill. no one is going to want to be with someone who is rushing at the speed that I seem to gallop ahead at. I need to reign myself in and learn to move at a sensible speed instead of assuming that whatever stage of feelings that I am at, other people are automatically going to mirror them.
I need to go back to basics - deconstruct the person that I am and reconstruct the person that they can fall for.
It's all a bit of a mess but at the same time I feel motivated to really push for what I want.
Lord, what is in front of me shows me what I want.
Is this meant to be?
I know it has re-motivated me and that can only be positive
Please give me the strength though your grace to actually stick with this new motivation.
In a way I don't mind if this isn't meant to be, if it is your will.
But please bring someone into my life.
It's really time now. I don't want to be on my own anymore.
IJN, Amen
So there we go - I realised I had an inters when they were working with me but couldn't because they were with someone and we worked together. Both of those obstacles are out of the way now but I don't know how they feel about me, and frankly i don't think that I have the confidence to actually say anything anyway. The more i look at myself in the mirror, the more I realise that I have a long way to go before I feel that I can have confidence on my appearance. I still have a lot of stomach fat to loose. I may have lost 5 stone and reached 13 stone in weight but that extra stone and a half to two stone is really noticeable to me. I need to get rid of it weigh a vengeance.
Maybe this is the prod I need to make me go the extra mile. I know who I want a chance to be with now. I don't really want to get into online dating at the moment, I want a chance to see if there is something here that might happen. So that means two things.
Firstly I need to double down and really push to get rid of the extra weight. I don't know how much less I can eat in a day and how much more exercise I can pack into a week but I think I need to push harder and see what i can do. I have been pretty weak and lax recently. I need to push on and toughen up on myself. I am sure that I can drop a naughty night each week and stop at one. I am also sure that I can regain the motivation not to eat in the evening. Recently I have been having a little snack when I have got back from the gym and whilst i have been under my RDA for calories still it has reduced the speed at which I have lost weight. I want and need to feel confident in my appearance, and be desirable to her. I need to look good. I have to force myself on, motivate myself to go even further and even harder - as the saying goes... "Go hard or go home!"
Secondly, I need to reevaluate and reprogram my thoughts and expectations in terms of relationships. I seem to be so quick to jump at things right now, almost overkill. no one is going to want to be with someone who is rushing at the speed that I seem to gallop ahead at. I need to reign myself in and learn to move at a sensible speed instead of assuming that whatever stage of feelings that I am at, other people are automatically going to mirror them.
I need to go back to basics - deconstruct the person that I am and reconstruct the person that they can fall for.
It's all a bit of a mess but at the same time I feel motivated to really push for what I want.
Lord, what is in front of me shows me what I want.
Is this meant to be?
I know it has re-motivated me and that can only be positive
Please give me the strength though your grace to actually stick with this new motivation.
In a way I don't mind if this isn't meant to be, if it is your will.
But please bring someone into my life.
It's really time now. I don't want to be on my own anymore.
IJN, Amen
Saturday 18 January 2014
4 (emotional) seasons in one (crap) day
O...M...G... what a day. I feel really down right now. It was all going so well until the end of the day - but bizarrely enough it was a mistake that I made at the beginning of the day that destroyed the end of the day. Basically, I managed to undercharge a customer's card but a substantial amount.
It could well be recoverable, but there is also a chance that it may not be. Primarily I am really annoyed at myself for making such a stupid mistake. Secondarily I am pretty worried that if it isn;t recoverable, I will end up with a strike against my record and have the short fall taken out of my wages, something that I can ill afford to happen.
It's another one of those days when i could really do with coming home to a cuddle and a loving pair of arms.
And thereby hangs another issue, I have had a quick look at the options as far as dating goes, bottom line - I don't have the money to pay for a subscription to a dating site let alone enough money to actually afford to go out on dates to meet anyone that's mad enough to be interested in me.
Prior to all the stuff hitting the fan, it was actually a reasonable day as far as work was going. Not a high-rolling day for the money but not too many difficult customers... and then I look on Facebook and find that a certain someone who I like (and is recently single) had posted a picture of themselves looking nothing short of amazing... I wish...
So all in all, I'm pretty fed up right now. I've been up and down all day, feeling emotion at times, feeling so depressed and fed up with myself at times too. I could quite happily wish the next few days past. In fact, let's make it a cool week. Just press fast forward... At leas then I'd know the outcome of all this crap.
It could well be recoverable, but there is also a chance that it may not be. Primarily I am really annoyed at myself for making such a stupid mistake. Secondarily I am pretty worried that if it isn;t recoverable, I will end up with a strike against my record and have the short fall taken out of my wages, something that I can ill afford to happen.
It's another one of those days when i could really do with coming home to a cuddle and a loving pair of arms.
And thereby hangs another issue, I have had a quick look at the options as far as dating goes, bottom line - I don't have the money to pay for a subscription to a dating site let alone enough money to actually afford to go out on dates to meet anyone that's mad enough to be interested in me.
Prior to all the stuff hitting the fan, it was actually a reasonable day as far as work was going. Not a high-rolling day for the money but not too many difficult customers... and then I look on Facebook and find that a certain someone who I like (and is recently single) had posted a picture of themselves looking nothing short of amazing... I wish...
So all in all, I'm pretty fed up right now. I've been up and down all day, feeling emotion at times, feeling so depressed and fed up with myself at times too. I could quite happily wish the next few days past. In fact, let's make it a cool week. Just press fast forward... At leas then I'd know the outcome of all this crap.
Sunday 5 January 2014
Curious...
"Curiouser and curiouser", thought Alice, as she took the the little white pill with the Mitsubishi logo on it... "Oh My, so many colours..." she enthused, as she slipped deeper and deeper into her new world...
Apart from that, something truly curious and perhaps, inspirational has come to light. Whilst it is not something that I would have exactly wished for, it appears that someone I have had an interest in for a while has become recently single. She's come out of a long term relationship so I don't think I can get any ideas rightly soon. I think maybe in the future I might look to see if the time is right. I would certainly hope so. I have had a thing for her for a long time and it would be absolutely amazing if there might be a chance to see what might be.
That said, to jump right in to something like this might just be too much. I mean, I'm rusty to say the least when it comes to relationships and romance. I have good intentions and I want to make it happen but the bottom line is that I have been single for so long that I can't exactly say that I am 'well practiced' in these matters. Maybe it is time to actually pull my finger out and look into this online dating malarkey. If I happen to find the right person while I am at it then that is all good. If I don't find the right person, at least I will have chance to make a few mistakes and learn from them - hopeful not hurting anyone else in the process. I guess I'll just have to see where everything goes.
Before any of this came to light, I found myself wondering something the other night... There was someone that I was all into a few months ago, and this person - who I first met a couple of years ago. I found myself wondering - day dreaming. I have to say that I was slightly surprised what conclusions I came to. The one I keep thinking about from time to time is not the one that I would have initially thought I would. But then again, it's less infatuation and more about a long term thing.
Who knows, it's got me thinking though. And I'm thinking that it's time... I just wish I was in better physical shape. I don't know any more. I'm on new ground and I'm pretty unsure of where I'm going. Let the adventure begin...
Apart from that, something truly curious and perhaps, inspirational has come to light. Whilst it is not something that I would have exactly wished for, it appears that someone I have had an interest in for a while has become recently single. She's come out of a long term relationship so I don't think I can get any ideas rightly soon. I think maybe in the future I might look to see if the time is right. I would certainly hope so. I have had a thing for her for a long time and it would be absolutely amazing if there might be a chance to see what might be.
That said, to jump right in to something like this might just be too much. I mean, I'm rusty to say the least when it comes to relationships and romance. I have good intentions and I want to make it happen but the bottom line is that I have been single for so long that I can't exactly say that I am 'well practiced' in these matters. Maybe it is time to actually pull my finger out and look into this online dating malarkey. If I happen to find the right person while I am at it then that is all good. If I don't find the right person, at least I will have chance to make a few mistakes and learn from them - hopeful not hurting anyone else in the process. I guess I'll just have to see where everything goes.
Before any of this came to light, I found myself wondering something the other night... There was someone that I was all into a few months ago, and this person - who I first met a couple of years ago. I found myself wondering - day dreaming. I have to say that I was slightly surprised what conclusions I came to. The one I keep thinking about from time to time is not the one that I would have initially thought I would. But then again, it's less infatuation and more about a long term thing.
Who knows, it's got me thinking though. And I'm thinking that it's time... I just wish I was in better physical shape. I don't know any more. I'm on new ground and I'm pretty unsure of where I'm going. Let the adventure begin...
Wednesday 1 January 2014
2013 review / New years resolutions
OK, so I'm starting the new year with a glass of champagne for breakfast - dart the way you mean to go on as far as I'm concerned. Then it'll be roast duck for lunch, cooked by my own hand... It's all starting to be a yearly tradition.
Anyway to the review. Looking back at what I said this time last year, there were a few areas that I challenged myself on:
1. Eating. - Doing well, I have managed to pretty much stick to 5 controlled days and 2 naughty days per week. There's been the occasional slip- and the occasional deliberate subversion of the rules. Anyway, mission accomplished.
2. Drinking. - so I'm now down to drinking 2 nights per week, usually on the 'naughty' days, with food, but occasionally I have separated them.
3. Hygiene. - Big change, I have re-discovered Lush bath bombs! More than happy to spend hours in the bath now! Only down side is that my water bill has gone up as a result!
4. Exercise. - BIG WIN! I've been going to the gym regularly, usually around 3 times a week, commitments permitting. The results have been astounding - I have lost 4st 13lb in a year! I was so desperately trying to get to the 5stone mark but ultimately I am not going to lie or cheat myself. I missed the 5 stone (just) but it's still an epic win. I also have the beginnings of a 'body' starting to develop, my weight living capacity has improved vastly and I have some serious muscle tone underneath once I can shift the rest of the fat.
Also this year a truly unexpected event has happened. What started as a major threat to life stability ahas turned out to be a massive opportunity for progress. I now own my own home. Having been given notice to vacate due to the land lady selling up, I was able to put together the finances to purchase the property myself.
I have also managed to achieve another big move forward - I have sorted out my long term finances with various investments and protections, through the advice of my finical adviser, plus I managed to get shares in the Post Office.
SO all in all, it's been a year of good achievement and of notable progress.
I think at this point I need to stop and give thanks to God for what I have received. I am truly grateful. I think that I have achieved much of this through my own effort, but with the Lords grace and favour to provide the opportunities and to give me the strength to actually see through the intentions that I have started with so many times before.
SO we move on to this year, the big '14... What am I going to target myself to achieve? What will I ask the Lord to give me the strength and opportunity to achieve?
Well, I think I want to carry on with the weight loss a little further, I have come so far but not yet reached my target goal. I also need to make good on a 'pinky swear' that I made with a friend - to actually bite the bullet and get into online dating and begin the process of finding a partner.
So in short, I think 2014 is a year of consolidation in many respects. Last year I changed who I physically am, this year I need to learn to accept that, become confident in that and begin to realise the worth in it. And so I set my goals thusly;
Weight / Gym:
To loose a further amount of weight with a joint goal of reaching either 11.5 stone (a 1 stone 8 lb reduction from where I am) OR to reach 25% body fat (currently 32%). I choose this as a joint goal as I also intend to focus far more on the body building and weight lifting which will result in some muscle gain and increase in weight through that.
To reach a stage where I am confident enough to go shirtless when I am on holiday in France next year - subjective I know - and I'm the one used to using SMART objectives! However, it's important for 2 reasons, firstly it's an obvious visual measure of my success, but secondly it's also a confidence thing...
Lord, please grant me the self belief and confidence to achieve this.
Personal Life
To find the right place to start looking for love online, to avoid the meat market of the less moral on line dating sites in the hope of finding someone with similar values who might actually be interested in me as a person.
Lord, please grant me the guidance to avoid situations that would have me compromise my moral values and show me to somewhere that I may actually find people that I have a chance of happiness with.
Other
To consolidate on what I have achieved in 2013, to make good to those who have helped me along the way and to make sure that what I have is secure.
Lord, you gave me so much last year and I am truly thankful. Please help me to get back to my Faith and the strength that it gives me, to find the way forward to people that I can share my life with.
Please help me to appreciate what I have and to see the way forward to better myself and be happy.
It's a selfish ask, I know, but once I am strong, I can use that strength to help others.
IJN, Amen
Anyway to the review. Looking back at what I said this time last year, there were a few areas that I challenged myself on:
1. Eating. - Doing well, I have managed to pretty much stick to 5 controlled days and 2 naughty days per week. There's been the occasional slip- and the occasional deliberate subversion of the rules. Anyway, mission accomplished.
2. Drinking. - so I'm now down to drinking 2 nights per week, usually on the 'naughty' days, with food, but occasionally I have separated them.
3. Hygiene. - Big change, I have re-discovered Lush bath bombs! More than happy to spend hours in the bath now! Only down side is that my water bill has gone up as a result!
4. Exercise. - BIG WIN! I've been going to the gym regularly, usually around 3 times a week, commitments permitting. The results have been astounding - I have lost 4st 13lb in a year! I was so desperately trying to get to the 5stone mark but ultimately I am not going to lie or cheat myself. I missed the 5 stone (just) but it's still an epic win. I also have the beginnings of a 'body' starting to develop, my weight living capacity has improved vastly and I have some serious muscle tone underneath once I can shift the rest of the fat.
Also this year a truly unexpected event has happened. What started as a major threat to life stability ahas turned out to be a massive opportunity for progress. I now own my own home. Having been given notice to vacate due to the land lady selling up, I was able to put together the finances to purchase the property myself.
I have also managed to achieve another big move forward - I have sorted out my long term finances with various investments and protections, through the advice of my finical adviser, plus I managed to get shares in the Post Office.
SO all in all, it's been a year of good achievement and of notable progress.
I think at this point I need to stop and give thanks to God for what I have received. I am truly grateful. I think that I have achieved much of this through my own effort, but with the Lords grace and favour to provide the opportunities and to give me the strength to actually see through the intentions that I have started with so many times before.
SO we move on to this year, the big '14... What am I going to target myself to achieve? What will I ask the Lord to give me the strength and opportunity to achieve?
Well, I think I want to carry on with the weight loss a little further, I have come so far but not yet reached my target goal. I also need to make good on a 'pinky swear' that I made with a friend - to actually bite the bullet and get into online dating and begin the process of finding a partner.
So in short, I think 2014 is a year of consolidation in many respects. Last year I changed who I physically am, this year I need to learn to accept that, become confident in that and begin to realise the worth in it. And so I set my goals thusly;
Weight / Gym:
To loose a further amount of weight with a joint goal of reaching either 11.5 stone (a 1 stone 8 lb reduction from where I am) OR to reach 25% body fat (currently 32%). I choose this as a joint goal as I also intend to focus far more on the body building and weight lifting which will result in some muscle gain and increase in weight through that.
To reach a stage where I am confident enough to go shirtless when I am on holiday in France next year - subjective I know - and I'm the one used to using SMART objectives! However, it's important for 2 reasons, firstly it's an obvious visual measure of my success, but secondly it's also a confidence thing...
Lord, please grant me the self belief and confidence to achieve this.
Personal Life
To find the right place to start looking for love online, to avoid the meat market of the less moral on line dating sites in the hope of finding someone with similar values who might actually be interested in me as a person.
Lord, please grant me the guidance to avoid situations that would have me compromise my moral values and show me to somewhere that I may actually find people that I have a chance of happiness with.
Other
To consolidate on what I have achieved in 2013, to make good to those who have helped me along the way and to make sure that what I have is secure.
Lord, you gave me so much last year and I am truly thankful. Please help me to get back to my Faith and the strength that it gives me, to find the way forward to people that I can share my life with.
Please help me to appreciate what I have and to see the way forward to better myself and be happy.
It's a selfish ask, I know, but once I am strong, I can use that strength to help others.
IJN, Amen
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