Yesterdays entry has really fucked me up frankly. What I wanted to be a remembering of the good times and the Golden age (through rose tinted glass of course!) has actually opened up a void in my heart. Those who I wanted to remember fondly are now an aching gap of what once was. I know I cant go back but I can't find anything to go on and create new memories with. this hurts so much. Part of me wants to rejoice but part of me is hurting so badly. I keep thinking that I am going to start crying and then somehow it goes away again. I wish I could just cry it out and get on with it again.
Work is helping mask the feelings during the day, I can always find something to keep me occupied at this time of year, even the basic day-to-day is a lot to be getting on with at the moment.
I think I have kind of had a revelation on something as I was googling around the web this evening. Something that I often do is simply google what is going on in my head when I am bored, and this time I think it actually came up with something useful. A week or so back I decided, frankly from no-where that I was going to cut down on what I drink. I wouldn't say I have a problem with alcohol but I do drink regularly. The guide might be 3-4 units per day, but probably not 5-6 days a week! So anyway, I cut down, and after a couple of weird moments when I would have normally reached for a beer, I have go to a point where it feels normal not to drink in an evening. That is incidental in a way, but kind of prophetic in relation to what I found tonight.
As I was sitting here, a while back, feeling pretty crappy frankly, I began to feel like used to when I cut. That's a long way back and was only a couple of times anyhow. BUT, the feeling was there. This time, the first thing into my mind was food. To eat. (I'll come back to this train of though in a moment). So I simply googled "can over eating be self harm?" and suddenly the one question that I've never asked cracked open a whole realisation. Yes it can - and is - used as a form of self harm, it has it's own specific disorders associated with it.
Coming back to the train of thought about wanting to eat to deal with the pain. That was what happened when I was younger and back in that situation. Then, and more recently, I analysed that as food being an escape and a way of making things feel better - but it wasn't, the fact that it made me feel guilty, emotionally pained and made me overweight MADE IT A PHYSICAL FORM OF SELF HARM. That's a serious light going on in my head. Whenever I have tried to tackle myself on this and tried to self-help I have always approached it from the angle of comfort eating in response to emotional trauma or distress, in seek of emotional comfort. Now I can see that it wasn't - I was looking to punish myself, destroy myself further. The self image that was so weak anyway was being used to punish myself even further. The fact that I hate being overweight, despite the carefully constructed subterfuge, meant that I was punishing myself by increasing this. I'm not going to go into details in this entry about the start, the bullying, the abuse - yes, with hindsight and in todays climate it would be termed abuse - but it is interesting how the punishments have changed. Back then it was chocolate bars and sweet things, bought covertly on the way home, and (with hind sight) eaten on the part of the way home that was close enough to be considered safe territory. Over time it has evolved into savoury, fatty foods - pizza, peanuts (any nuts in fact) cheeses and, in a non-addicted way, alcohol - specifically beer and cider.
And that brings things nearly full circle - what did I decide to force myself to cut down on recently? That's right - beer and cider. What have I done with my natural routine at work the last couple of weeks? My lunch break is now so late that I do not want to eat in the evening and I have deliberately run the fridge out of food so that I CANNOT eat. So this was what? An anticipation of the fact that I was going to end up like this, craving to eat in response to how I feel? Hardly?! I don't think my grasp of my own psychology is that great.
But anyway, I now discover that this problem that I describe has a medical name - Binge Eating Disorder / Compulsive Eating Disorder. From the little that I have read so far, the symptoms and emotional conditions seem to fit with me pretty much exactly. The fact that I seem to be using it as a form of self-harm seems to fit too. The question is what can I do now? I seem to have some new information that helps me understand my situation a little better, but how can I use it to improve my situation? One thing that I have learned already is that the NHS have no acceptance of this and no treatment plan in place. Private web sites are talking about psychological treatment and cognitive behavioural therapy - this sounds like some serious stuff and I cant grasp that. I really am not ready to admit that I need that kind of help. So that leaves self help - I've tried that before, but before I think Iw as trying to teal with something that I didn't have, so will I be more successful trying this - if it is actually my problem?
When I list our what I want from life - I mean REALLY want, not frivolous consumer goods and pointless short term things, things that would make my life complete, the answer / excuse that I throw back at myself is that I can't achieve, they haven't happened because I am fat. I do not deserve them, because I am fat. I have such a low self image of the 'real' me that I cannot find value for these to happen. How do I deal with that? HOW?
I have this nice, neat little construct that goes to work, fronts up to the world on the social occasions that I cannot avoid, and is all that is generally positive in what I portray. then there is the person inside, insecure, looking for love and acceptance, painfully shy, with a very low self worth. The outer shell isn't fake as such, it is made up out of parts of me, but the person that I really want to have the confidence to let out is the person inside. I'm not gay, but I feel like I am in the closet. Some how I have to out myself as a self hating person who suffers from an eating disorder. I need someone to really love and support me, but I hate myself too much to allow that to happen, even to believe that I could find someone who could anyway. And even if they did, I think I am so messed up right now that it would be very easy for me to mistake kindness and end up looking for something more that isn't there.
So that's the mess.
Father, in Jesus name, please give me the strength to get out of this mess somehow.
Sunday 23 December 2012
Saturday 22 December 2012
Christmas is just around the corner
So Christmas is nearly here. Frankly I'm too tired for it to register really. Totally cream crackered. The last couple of days at work haven't been heaving but just the constant level of everything and the stress of trying to keep on top of it all.
We had the staff meal the other night and that was a good opportunity to let my hair down. Now that I live locally and I don't have to drive I can actually have a drink without having to count units. Only problem was trying to keep my mind (and eyes) in the right place. Really not easy - why does it have to be this difficult?
Anyway, I've just about reached my limit for energy right now. If I am being honest I am not really in the mood for tomorrow night (invited out for the evening) but I guess I will be fine once I am actually there and things are going on. I really don't want to go out con Christmas day though. I just want to be at home and sleep. I know that I have to go and see the remains of the family but I am not sure that I really want to.. One thing that I have learned about myself is that I can be really quite unsociable when I reach a certain point of tiredness. Im not the most outgoing person at the best of times but there are certain things that just make me want to shut up shop and head inwards. It's probably best to force myself not to but it feels like the instinctive thing to do.
Right now all I really want from Christmas is a long time in my own bed, a nice meal and a bottle of wine. Don't thing much of that is on the cards really. Frankly I hate the idea of going away at Christmas. Used to hat it as a child, still hate it now.
I remember when I was really young, like four or five, I used to spend Christmas up at my Grand parents house in Oxford. We used to travel up on Christmas eve. Once we got there I would go out into the large garden, looking for twigs to help start the log fire for the evening, or possibly up onto Shotover Hill into the woods. Once the fire was lit we were all in the main living room area and I remember it being warm and cosy. Eventually at night I was packed off to bed. Mum and Dad would eventually follow. I would then be woken up again by them leaving for midnight mass, falling asleep for a while, and then being woken by them coming back again. The room I used to stay in was a strange one, it had thin, rectangular fanlight windows along one wall, almost at roof level, and the first I knew of them coming back was seeing the car headlights glance through them. At that point I just remember waking up on Christmas day, usually to the sound and smell of food being prepared. Grandpa and I used to check through the fine ashes to look for embers from the night before and use these to relight the fire - I don't know how that started, probably my curiosity, but it became a sort of ritual. At that point, everything revolved around the living room and the kitchen area, usually with me being accused of getting in the way. There were usually other family members, Aunts, Uncles coming by after Church, never a quiet moment. At the time it felt like an upheaval. Now it seems like the golden age, representing everything that I wish Christmas could still be for me, and bringing a tear to my eye when I fondly remember those who have passed. Infact, there's hardly any of the family left at all.
I know that the Lord must call us all home eventually, and those who are called should be remembered fondly and not mourned but this is really getting to me right now. I can remember exactly how it was, how the people were back then, the way I want to remember them, and for all the fond memories, I cant help but cry because they are gone.
We had the staff meal the other night and that was a good opportunity to let my hair down. Now that I live locally and I don't have to drive I can actually have a drink without having to count units. Only problem was trying to keep my mind (and eyes) in the right place. Really not easy - why does it have to be this difficult?
Anyway, I've just about reached my limit for energy right now. If I am being honest I am not really in the mood for tomorrow night (invited out for the evening) but I guess I will be fine once I am actually there and things are going on. I really don't want to go out con Christmas day though. I just want to be at home and sleep. I know that I have to go and see the remains of the family but I am not sure that I really want to.. One thing that I have learned about myself is that I can be really quite unsociable when I reach a certain point of tiredness. Im not the most outgoing person at the best of times but there are certain things that just make me want to shut up shop and head inwards. It's probably best to force myself not to but it feels like the instinctive thing to do.
Right now all I really want from Christmas is a long time in my own bed, a nice meal and a bottle of wine. Don't thing much of that is on the cards really. Frankly I hate the idea of going away at Christmas. Used to hat it as a child, still hate it now.
I remember when I was really young, like four or five, I used to spend Christmas up at my Grand parents house in Oxford. We used to travel up on Christmas eve. Once we got there I would go out into the large garden, looking for twigs to help start the log fire for the evening, or possibly up onto Shotover Hill into the woods. Once the fire was lit we were all in the main living room area and I remember it being warm and cosy. Eventually at night I was packed off to bed. Mum and Dad would eventually follow. I would then be woken up again by them leaving for midnight mass, falling asleep for a while, and then being woken by them coming back again. The room I used to stay in was a strange one, it had thin, rectangular fanlight windows along one wall, almost at roof level, and the first I knew of them coming back was seeing the car headlights glance through them. At that point I just remember waking up on Christmas day, usually to the sound and smell of food being prepared. Grandpa and I used to check through the fine ashes to look for embers from the night before and use these to relight the fire - I don't know how that started, probably my curiosity, but it became a sort of ritual. At that point, everything revolved around the living room and the kitchen area, usually with me being accused of getting in the way. There were usually other family members, Aunts, Uncles coming by after Church, never a quiet moment. At the time it felt like an upheaval. Now it seems like the golden age, representing everything that I wish Christmas could still be for me, and bringing a tear to my eye when I fondly remember those who have passed. Infact, there's hardly any of the family left at all.
I know that the Lord must call us all home eventually, and those who are called should be remembered fondly and not mourned but this is really getting to me right now. I can remember exactly how it was, how the people were back then, the way I want to remember them, and for all the fond memories, I cant help but cry because they are gone.
Monday 10 December 2012
Good times
OK, so there's been much that has happened over the last couple of weeks. the incidental stuff is that work is going well, business has picked up and there is a small supply of stock on the items that people want so we can actually sell stuff. I've ordered a new iMac and that is due to ship in the next couple of days so the music studio will be back up and running with some new hardware.
The parting gift from the old setup was finished a couple of days ago and frankly its its a song that Ive been wanting to write for so long. Ive had a crack at it a couple of times and not really got anywhere with it but now I have some real progress and a finished article. Its a Gospel House track, a preacher style sermon split into two verses, set over a tradition house sound. Quite simple in many respects but done with passion and sincerity. The inspiration came from a couple of sources. I listen to a fair amount of Gospel House music anyway, I'm a big fan of DJ Revelation and the style of music he plays. I also remember a song called "The Prophet" by CJ Bolland - that was far more tongue in cheek and almost a parody of evangelical preaching, I liked the style but wanted to 'play it straight' with what I feel.
Any how, it feels good to have done it and got it out there, I just wish and pray that there is some more of this kind of stuff inside me, that just maybe, this could be a calling and I can do something with it.
I have often thought that if I could ever be so bold as to make a deal with God, I would ask that I was able to sing as well as write and produce, and in exchange I would use this talent only to His glory. It doesn't work like that, and I am happy with what I have, but if the opportunity arose...
Anyway, other than that - I have the day off work today so I will be putting up the Christmas Tree and tinsel and then I have a friend coming down to stay tomorrow night and Wednesday as I am off work again. After that the days off are all used up for a while and the mad patch begins. I love it but it is pretty tiring.
On another matter, I still have some feelings towards someone that I wish I could shift. Nothing will come from them, nothing can come form them, not least because they have a partner and further more, with a 10 year age gap between us, I'd feel like a dirty old man if I made the first move. Age is nothing, I know, there was a decade between Mum and Dad and they would still be together now, had she not been taken from us. However, when an older man is with a younger woman... I just wouldn't ever want to be accused of taking advantage.
Anyway, it cant happen for various reasons, I just wish I didn't find them so attractive, I just wish I didn't 'get them' on a personal level. It would just be easier if there was an off switch.
The parting gift from the old setup was finished a couple of days ago and frankly its its a song that Ive been wanting to write for so long. Ive had a crack at it a couple of times and not really got anywhere with it but now I have some real progress and a finished article. Its a Gospel House track, a preacher style sermon split into two verses, set over a tradition house sound. Quite simple in many respects but done with passion and sincerity. The inspiration came from a couple of sources. I listen to a fair amount of Gospel House music anyway, I'm a big fan of DJ Revelation and the style of music he plays. I also remember a song called "The Prophet" by CJ Bolland - that was far more tongue in cheek and almost a parody of evangelical preaching, I liked the style but wanted to 'play it straight' with what I feel.
Any how, it feels good to have done it and got it out there, I just wish and pray that there is some more of this kind of stuff inside me, that just maybe, this could be a calling and I can do something with it.
I have often thought that if I could ever be so bold as to make a deal with God, I would ask that I was able to sing as well as write and produce, and in exchange I would use this talent only to His glory. It doesn't work like that, and I am happy with what I have, but if the opportunity arose...
Anyway, other than that - I have the day off work today so I will be putting up the Christmas Tree and tinsel and then I have a friend coming down to stay tomorrow night and Wednesday as I am off work again. After that the days off are all used up for a while and the mad patch begins. I love it but it is pretty tiring.
On another matter, I still have some feelings towards someone that I wish I could shift. Nothing will come from them, nothing can come form them, not least because they have a partner and further more, with a 10 year age gap between us, I'd feel like a dirty old man if I made the first move. Age is nothing, I know, there was a decade between Mum and Dad and they would still be together now, had she not been taken from us. However, when an older man is with a younger woman... I just wouldn't ever want to be accused of taking advantage.
Anyway, it cant happen for various reasons, I just wish I didn't find them so attractive, I just wish I didn't 'get them' on a personal level. It would just be easier if there was an off switch.
Monday 26 November 2012
Its been a while
Ok, so I haven't posted anything on here for a while. To be honest, there's not much going on. The Christmas run up is not going as well as it could be - the fact that of the main products that people want, one is permanently out of stock and one is not even release yet, it really doesn't help the situation. It's just getting a little wearing not having the stuff in stock and some customers are starting to get aggressive over it.
I've been off today - rostered day off to recover a bit! I don't know why but I feel really depressed, I have the same feeling inside as a few years ago when I was in between previous and current employers. I can only assume that it's a lack of sunlight or something. That said, it was sunny today and I went out to the shops for a while so I did get a decent level of 'exposure'. I don't know - things just feel strange right now.
I don't seem to have any enthusiasm, I feel lethargic and almost frustrated - but I don't know what with.
I've been off today - rostered day off to recover a bit! I don't know why but I feel really depressed, I have the same feeling inside as a few years ago when I was in between previous and current employers. I can only assume that it's a lack of sunlight or something. That said, it was sunny today and I went out to the shops for a while so I did get a decent level of 'exposure'. I don't know - things just feel strange right now.
I don't seem to have any enthusiasm, I feel lethargic and almost frustrated - but I don't know what with.
Tuesday 13 November 2012
Not a good couple of days
There's plenty that's going right at them moment but it just seems to be one of those time that, just as you think you are in control of things, something comes along to prove that you have no control at all. As Christmas comes nearer, I am starting to feel a positive uplift fro that. Work is definitely getting busier, the weekend was the busiest for a very long time. Along side that events that have been out of my control at work have come back to kick me in the gentlemans' area. One way or another the finances on Sunday came up noticeably short. After exploration there is no obvious reason for this, otherwise known as 'the busk will stop with me'. I'm not sure what that means in reality - I've never been here before. I have a suspicion that it could end up coming out of my wages.
There's other stuff as well, stuff that isn't related to this. I don't know why but I'm really confused right now. I have thoughts and feelings that I don't really want to have - not in the literal sense, just not now and just not in the way that I do. Its all a mess, and I feel a little bit like a moth to the flame. Its like I am bound to repeat history and almost as if I have something to prove to myself.
There is still 'the issue' that means that it is a totally impractical thing to do. I mean, this is the problem of all problems when it comes to this sort of thing. It's not like I can do anything about it and it's not like it can be overlooked or worked around. Its such a fundamental thing, I don't know how to deal with it. Head in the sand type stuff is what draws me into the flame and seems to bind me to this course. The reality is that, even if I manage to get to the point where it has to be dealt with, there is such an issue that I just cant comprehend acceptance.
(It's all cryptic isn't it! I cant even admit it to myself. I cant even bear to put it into words, yet it defines everything I do, everything I feel and the very reason that I hold myself in contempt of my own basic feelings)
The person / personality that I try to hide behind simply isn't me. It's convenient to hide behind it and try to embrace it but the truth is 'I am what I am'. There's nothing dramatic in that. It's not like it's a secret really - I've probably done a bad job of hiding it in times of challenge and shown it to enough people when I have felt safe - and despite my best efforts I have always worm my heart on my sleeve.
The honest truth is that I want 2 things more than I have ever really let on, more than I think I even realise myself. The truth it creates, when one stops to think about it, is that I am pretty screwed up.
There's other stuff as well, stuff that isn't related to this. I don't know why but I'm really confused right now. I have thoughts and feelings that I don't really want to have - not in the literal sense, just not now and just not in the way that I do. Its all a mess, and I feel a little bit like a moth to the flame. Its like I am bound to repeat history and almost as if I have something to prove to myself.
There is still 'the issue' that means that it is a totally impractical thing to do. I mean, this is the problem of all problems when it comes to this sort of thing. It's not like I can do anything about it and it's not like it can be overlooked or worked around. Its such a fundamental thing, I don't know how to deal with it. Head in the sand type stuff is what draws me into the flame and seems to bind me to this course. The reality is that, even if I manage to get to the point where it has to be dealt with, there is such an issue that I just cant comprehend acceptance.
(It's all cryptic isn't it! I cant even admit it to myself. I cant even bear to put it into words, yet it defines everything I do, everything I feel and the very reason that I hold myself in contempt of my own basic feelings)
The person / personality that I try to hide behind simply isn't me. It's convenient to hide behind it and try to embrace it but the truth is 'I am what I am'. There's nothing dramatic in that. It's not like it's a secret really - I've probably done a bad job of hiding it in times of challenge and shown it to enough people when I have felt safe - and despite my best efforts I have always worm my heart on my sleeve.
The honest truth is that I want 2 things more than I have ever really let on, more than I think I even realise myself. The truth it creates, when one stops to think about it, is that I am pretty screwed up.
Saturday 3 November 2012
A little bit of history repeating
Why does history repeat itself? I really want to break the cycle but I just can't I feel fed up to the back teeth after today, I kinda feel like certain people are taking advantage of my good nature and the fact that I will put others first.
Work was a seriously busy day today, the weeks new products launches combines with just a little hint of Christmas fever gave us a petty large turn out and a huge number of people to serve. Along side that I cant help but feel that certain people are not pulling their weight, certainly they are not doing the level of work that I need the to in order for me not to have to carry them. In all the chaos I din't get a lunch break, seems everyone apart from me managed to get one but somehow I end up getting shafted and missing out, basically because people know that I prefer a later lunch break so they take theirs and add on a few minutes here and there. When the place is busy I cant keep an eye on where everyone is at every split second so it all comes off the rails.
Now because I am stressed out I can feel myself rushing head long into my major weakness again, the self control just peels away again. I was meant to be going over to a friends house for a firework display this evening, I really wanted to go too - but I cant be around people when that don't know me and don't understand me when I feel like this. There was only one person who ever truly got this feeling, indeed who I could ever fully express it to, and now they are gone from my life and I have to deal with it as best as I can on my own.
I can feel something coming on, which will be my way of dealing with it, it was how I used to deal with this feeling. I hate myself for the fact that I am going down this route, but it is just inevitable that it will happen, the longer I try to fight it off, the worse it will be when I do go there. Like a moth to the flame.
Work was a seriously busy day today, the weeks new products launches combines with just a little hint of Christmas fever gave us a petty large turn out and a huge number of people to serve. Along side that I cant help but feel that certain people are not pulling their weight, certainly they are not doing the level of work that I need the to in order for me not to have to carry them. In all the chaos I din't get a lunch break, seems everyone apart from me managed to get one but somehow I end up getting shafted and missing out, basically because people know that I prefer a later lunch break so they take theirs and add on a few minutes here and there. When the place is busy I cant keep an eye on where everyone is at every split second so it all comes off the rails.
Now because I am stressed out I can feel myself rushing head long into my major weakness again, the self control just peels away again. I was meant to be going over to a friends house for a firework display this evening, I really wanted to go too - but I cant be around people when that don't know me and don't understand me when I feel like this. There was only one person who ever truly got this feeling, indeed who I could ever fully express it to, and now they are gone from my life and I have to deal with it as best as I can on my own.
I can feel something coming on, which will be my way of dealing with it, it was how I used to deal with this feeling. I hate myself for the fact that I am going down this route, but it is just inevitable that it will happen, the longer I try to fight it off, the worse it will be when I do go there. Like a moth to the flame.
Tuesday 30 October 2012
Questions on my mind
I have many questions on my mind and not too many answers right now. Maybe it will help if I put them all somewhere (like on here...)
Why aren't I getting any support from head office at work?
What do I have to do to get noticed for a promotion?
Why do I feel like I have just been sidelined as a "safe pair of hands" for my current role.
Will I ever find someone to accept me with all my problems and settle down with me?
Will I ever start a family?
Is it wrong to want love more than anything that I already have?
Why is the whole family thing suddenly back on my mind when I thought I had put it away for now?
Why can't I get a certain someone out of my head when I know that it's not a good thing to be thinking about?
What does God make out of all these questions that I have?
Am I being ungrateful for wanting more?
Does having dreams and ambitions make you ungrateful for what you already have?
Is this really what He wants me to be doing with my life?
Why can't I loose weight?
Am I really over the past and what happened back then?
If I am not over it (and I don't feel like I fully am) then what do I have to do to move on?
Why cant I find the strength to be the person I want to be, the person that I can feel trapped inside and can't quite set free?
What would Mum think about all this, what would she say to me if she was alive now?
Why couldn't I have been less of a little shit and actually opened up about everything that was happening instead of bottling it up and taking it out on everyone?
HOw much of what I'm feeling right now is about either regretting the past or living in the past instead of looking to the future?
Why can't I break the cycle of living on past upsets and past glories?
Frankly I don't know the answer to a lot of these, some I do know answers to but it doesn't seem t o get me any further. I don't know what to make of any of it any more. I think sometimes all I really need is for someone to give me a cuddle and tell me that it's all going to be alright.
Why aren't I getting any support from head office at work?
What do I have to do to get noticed for a promotion?
Why do I feel like I have just been sidelined as a "safe pair of hands" for my current role.
Will I ever find someone to accept me with all my problems and settle down with me?
Will I ever start a family?
Is it wrong to want love more than anything that I already have?
Why is the whole family thing suddenly back on my mind when I thought I had put it away for now?
Why can't I get a certain someone out of my head when I know that it's not a good thing to be thinking about?
What does God make out of all these questions that I have?
Am I being ungrateful for wanting more?
Does having dreams and ambitions make you ungrateful for what you already have?
Is this really what He wants me to be doing with my life?
Why can't I loose weight?
Am I really over the past and what happened back then?
If I am not over it (and I don't feel like I fully am) then what do I have to do to move on?
Why cant I find the strength to be the person I want to be, the person that I can feel trapped inside and can't quite set free?
What would Mum think about all this, what would she say to me if she was alive now?
Why couldn't I have been less of a little shit and actually opened up about everything that was happening instead of bottling it up and taking it out on everyone?
HOw much of what I'm feeling right now is about either regretting the past or living in the past instead of looking to the future?
Why can't I break the cycle of living on past upsets and past glories?
Frankly I don't know the answer to a lot of these, some I do know answers to but it doesn't seem t o get me any further. I don't know what to make of any of it any more. I think sometimes all I really need is for someone to give me a cuddle and tell me that it's all going to be alright.
Sunday 28 October 2012
Messengers
Sometimes the Lord seems to choose the strangest messengers. Sometimes the message isn't quite what you were expecting! I went to see an old friend yesterday - I haven't seen them for nearly a year, last time was at their wedding. Anyway, besides the realisation that I need to make an effort to see them more often, comes the the strangest of experiences.
Firstly, their wife, who I have to admit that I don't really know that well yet as I have only met her a couple of times, starts having a whole heart to heart with me about finding the right person and how I still have time to have a family etc. That really is a strange conversation to have with someone that you don't really know but it felt like a natural conversation. I think it's fair to say that I really wasn't expecting that kind of message. More to the point, I am really happy with the sentiment of it. I mean. it's what I really wanted to hear. Somehow I just have to believe that it will happen. The only thing that might cause a set back is the 'problem'. I guess I have to believe that for the right person, it wont be a problem any more and that there will be a way around things.
Secondly, having spent the day around their two little ones I suddenly realise that looking after children is not as hard as I though it was going to be. Ok, yes I know that it was only one day but both of them were feeling under the weather and playing up a bit and I felt absolutely fine dealing with it all. In the afternoon we went out for a bit and I ended up looking after one of them for a while and dealing with what they were throwing at me. I think that I coped pretty well. Yes I'm sure that there is much that I have to learn and at some point in the future if I have kids they will have me pulling my hair out and ready to scream blue murder - but the first work of not being able to do it has gone. Also, despite being a majorly big kid at heart, I've always found it difficult to know what to say to kids when they are too young to have an adult level conversation. I think I learned a fair amount on that front too, not perfected the technique yet but I learned so much in the space of 12 hours that I honestly believe that if I need to learn 'on the job' in the future, I can do it.
So there we go, an unexpected message, a very strange choice of messenger - but thank you none the less. Maybe when I fasted a while back, it took a little time for the answer to be given. I really feel like so much of what was on my mind has had an answer given. Not all of it, there was a question over my career too, but the idea of having a family and finding someone to settle down with is far more important and frankly something that I would rather focus on, God willing.
Firstly, their wife, who I have to admit that I don't really know that well yet as I have only met her a couple of times, starts having a whole heart to heart with me about finding the right person and how I still have time to have a family etc. That really is a strange conversation to have with someone that you don't really know but it felt like a natural conversation. I think it's fair to say that I really wasn't expecting that kind of message. More to the point, I am really happy with the sentiment of it. I mean. it's what I really wanted to hear. Somehow I just have to believe that it will happen. The only thing that might cause a set back is the 'problem'. I guess I have to believe that for the right person, it wont be a problem any more and that there will be a way around things.
Secondly, having spent the day around their two little ones I suddenly realise that looking after children is not as hard as I though it was going to be. Ok, yes I know that it was only one day but both of them were feeling under the weather and playing up a bit and I felt absolutely fine dealing with it all. In the afternoon we went out for a bit and I ended up looking after one of them for a while and dealing with what they were throwing at me. I think that I coped pretty well. Yes I'm sure that there is much that I have to learn and at some point in the future if I have kids they will have me pulling my hair out and ready to scream blue murder - but the first work of not being able to do it has gone. Also, despite being a majorly big kid at heart, I've always found it difficult to know what to say to kids when they are too young to have an adult level conversation. I think I learned a fair amount on that front too, not perfected the technique yet but I learned so much in the space of 12 hours that I honestly believe that if I need to learn 'on the job' in the future, I can do it.
So there we go, an unexpected message, a very strange choice of messenger - but thank you none the less. Maybe when I fasted a while back, it took a little time for the answer to be given. I really feel like so much of what was on my mind has had an answer given. Not all of it, there was a question over my career too, but the idea of having a family and finding someone to settle down with is far more important and frankly something that I would rather focus on, God willing.
Thursday 25 October 2012
Trés Difficile
Title says it all. For what is going on in my head right now is a bit of a mess. WHat I think and feel don't seem to count, in as much as they are completely unobtainable feelings and thoughts. Best left alone - pretty much like the rest of me! I wish I didn't have these thoughts, and I have tried to put a positive spin on them from a certain angle. I have to be careful what I say here, this blog could be read by the people concerned - it's no secret and whilst I don't think they pass this way, you never know. Plausible deniability is everything (just ask the US government!).
So what it comes down to is this. This week I have been on holiday from work. I haven't really done much, just pottered around at home and been lazy - exactly what I needed to do to get some passion back for work. Its a job I enjoy but when you do it every day without time off you go stale. So this time off, I've been thinking, not deliberately mid you, but thinking anyway. And the same though comes back into my mind again and again. Its not a great though from the point of view that its never going to happen, but the fact that I can even think about it gives me hope that all might not be lost. It would be so easy just to start off... "I wish..." "I want...", the difficult thing is not doing that and realising that I am to be strong and stick with it. Its impractical and not right, Indeed not what is intended for me I am sure.
Despite the many heavenly blessings and the feeling that this could be a gift, I am pretty sure it is little more then the Devil tempting me. Little more than a cheap offer for my soul. It is an offer that is appealing to think of but it cannot and will not be. I must be strong in the face of this temptation, true to what I believe and hope that I can find what I am thinking of in another time and place when it is from the Lord and not the Devil.
Instead of "I wish..." , "I hope..."
"Remember, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."
- Tim Robbins, as Andy Dufrense - The Shawshank Redemption
Monday 15 October 2012
Reflection
Well, I've fasted, and cleared my head as best as I could do. It got pretty hard towards the end - I ended up feeling very light headed and had a headache too. Not that I haven't fasted for a long while and I went longer than I initially planned to. I went 48hrs in then end. It wasn't initially intentional but after I fell asleep at the end of day one and then woke up into day two, it seemed right ti continue.
So what did I hear? Indeed, did I hear anything? That said, was I asking the right questions and was I asking hard enough? The one thing that does seem to have made a bit of headway was a question that G put on her Facebook profile, about risking everything to travel to Mars one way, leaving everything else behind. In that sort of situation I have to say that I would. I'd leave everything in order to pursue a means of getting away. Suddenly this gets me thinking, this isnt really an answer to the questions that I have been asking, but it is an answer. I hadn't really taken the time to conclude that I would actually be prepared to up ends and leave things.
Maybe a realisation then its not such a bad thing and that I should be ready to go with the flow on a change of direction.
I don't feel like this is the answer that I was hoping for - but who am I to decide what the right answer is? One thing it has made me thin about is some kind of longer term fast. Having done a bit of reading about fasting and how it was done in the time of Jesus, one theme keeps cropping up - that of fasting during daylight hours. It seems logical, one could fast for a much longer period of time on such a method of fasting. As we're only just past the autumn equinox, there's a fair balance between daylight and dark still. If I was to do this, over what period of time? How? If I was going to do this I would want to be able to go to church and pray - not necessarily in services but just to be able to go and sit quietly and meditate on the thoughts and questions that I have.
Many thoughts, and I'm out of time here as my break at work is over and i have to go back to the day job again.
So what did I hear? Indeed, did I hear anything? That said, was I asking the right questions and was I asking hard enough? The one thing that does seem to have made a bit of headway was a question that G put on her Facebook profile, about risking everything to travel to Mars one way, leaving everything else behind. In that sort of situation I have to say that I would. I'd leave everything in order to pursue a means of getting away. Suddenly this gets me thinking, this isnt really an answer to the questions that I have been asking, but it is an answer. I hadn't really taken the time to conclude that I would actually be prepared to up ends and leave things.
Maybe a realisation then its not such a bad thing and that I should be ready to go with the flow on a change of direction.
I don't feel like this is the answer that I was hoping for - but who am I to decide what the right answer is? One thing it has made me thin about is some kind of longer term fast. Having done a bit of reading about fasting and how it was done in the time of Jesus, one theme keeps cropping up - that of fasting during daylight hours. It seems logical, one could fast for a much longer period of time on such a method of fasting. As we're only just past the autumn equinox, there's a fair balance between daylight and dark still. If I was to do this, over what period of time? How? If I was going to do this I would want to be able to go to church and pray - not necessarily in services but just to be able to go and sit quietly and meditate on the thoughts and questions that I have.
Many thoughts, and I'm out of time here as my break at work is over and i have to go back to the day job again.
Saturday 13 October 2012
16 Hours in
I began at midnight and on the whole I feel pretty good. Its something to focus on and focus my thoughts around. I think Ive been tested a bit this morning though, things going wrong, not in a big way but many little things.
I don't feel too hungry but I am aware of it. Im supposed to be on lunch break right now and it does feel a little strange not eating but at the same time, the unfamiliarity of it makes me conscious of it and able to focus my thoughts around it. Im pretty confident on making it to midnight without breaking.
Answers? , now that's another matter entirely. Maybe I will have some kind of spontaneous realisation in one of the areas that I am focussing on. Most probably I won't and I'll have to look and listen for any answers when they come.
I was working on some lyrics last night as well, sounding like a preacher as an MC. I think it might work quite well if I can produce it right.
I'll check back in later on...
I don't feel too hungry but I am aware of it. Im supposed to be on lunch break right now and it does feel a little strange not eating but at the same time, the unfamiliarity of it makes me conscious of it and able to focus my thoughts around it. Im pretty confident on making it to midnight without breaking.
Answers? , now that's another matter entirely. Maybe I will have some kind of spontaneous realisation in one of the areas that I am focussing on. Most probably I won't and I'll have to look and listen for any answers when they come.
I was working on some lyrics last night as well, sounding like a preacher as an MC. I think it might work quite well if I can produce it right.
I'll check back in later on...
Friday 12 October 2012
Insert witty title here
Feeling a bit tired at the moment. Not helped by being up late last night working on a remix. Work was pretty uninspiring today, nothing really bad but nothing to get excited about either.
I'm thinking of doing a fast. It's popped in and out of my mind for a few days now. Its something that I used to do periodically if I wanted to focus a prayer on one area or another. A sort of self sacrifice for a short period of time. I think I will do it. Maybe aim for 24 hours from midnight tonight.
O know that tomorrow will be a busy day so it will be difficult, I'm bound to be really hungry by the end of it, but maybe that is the point. Becuase I have not done it for a while, if it was an easy option it would hardly be a sacrifice would it?
Its going to be a difficult thing to try and hide from people, and I need to find some kind of focus point for everything.
I'm thinking of doing a fast. It's popped in and out of my mind for a few days now. Its something that I used to do periodically if I wanted to focus a prayer on one area or another. A sort of self sacrifice for a short period of time. I think I will do it. Maybe aim for 24 hours from midnight tonight.
O know that tomorrow will be a busy day so it will be difficult, I'm bound to be really hungry by the end of it, but maybe that is the point. Becuase I have not done it for a while, if it was an easy option it would hardly be a sacrifice would it?
Its going to be a difficult thing to try and hide from people, and I need to find some kind of focus point for everything.
“And when you fast, do not look gloomy like the hypocrites, for they disfigure their faces that their fasting may be seen by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you fast, anoint your head and wash your face, that your fasting may not be seen by others but by your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you." (Mathew 6 : 16-18)
What I really need to do is try and focus all my thoughts into some kind of distilled prayer that makes some sense, rather than the rambling mess that I have at the moment. I guess really its a lot of questions, not that I am expecting to get direct answers. I don't think I want to put the questions here in public, although if you read the last couple of entries, you might get an idea about one of them.
I remember a phrase often shouted by the MCs when I was in my raving days - "Peace, Love and Unity, Inside the arena - the place to be!" somehow that seems kind of fitting now in its own way.
Friday 5 October 2012
I had a day off yesterday for the first time in ages. Very welcome and it's allowed me to get a bit of energy back - although not as much as I need to.
Still felling a bit confused about the whole which Church thing. Lord, if you used someone as a mouthpiece to plant the idea in my head, please use them again to give me a bit more instruction - I don't really know how to order what is in my head right now and make some sense out of it all. I want somewhere to belong. Somewhere that I can be myself and fell at home. I guess what I am really asking is, Find me a Church (please). The day-to-day life I lead is (not) fine but it's missing something again. Its missing You. I feel like its overhaul time, spring clean - or whatever you want to call it. But maybe I need guidance as to what gets cleaned out. I don't want to change who I am but I want to be a better person at the same time. I don't think the two are mutually exclusive things. What I do and how I do it, now those I can change with guidance.
Something Ive been working on over the last couple of days: i wrote the first verse of lyrics a long time ago, under different circumstances, but they came back to me the other day and a whole new section flowed on from them.
Still felling a bit confused about the whole which Church thing. Lord, if you used someone as a mouthpiece to plant the idea in my head, please use them again to give me a bit more instruction - I don't really know how to order what is in my head right now and make some sense out of it all. I want somewhere to belong. Somewhere that I can be myself and fell at home. I guess what I am really asking is, Find me a Church (please). The day-to-day life I lead is (not) fine but it's missing something again. Its missing You. I feel like its overhaul time, spring clean - or whatever you want to call it. But maybe I need guidance as to what gets cleaned out. I don't want to change who I am but I want to be a better person at the same time. I don't think the two are mutually exclusive things. What I do and how I do it, now those I can change with guidance.
Something Ive been working on over the last couple of days: i wrote the first verse of lyrics a long time ago, under different circumstances, but they came back to me the other day and a whole new section flowed on from them.
White Comes The Light
White comes the light
There’s nothing to see
White comes the light
There’s nothing to say
One empty glass
And one lonely traveller
Is all that is left at the break of the day
White comes the light
There’s nothing to see
White comes the light
There’s nothing to say
One fleeting glimpse
And one distant memory
That parts when we’re done at the break of the day
White comes the light
There’s nothing to see
White comes the light
There’s nothing to say
Searching inside
For something unspoken
These tears that i cried and you wiped them away.
White comes the light
There’s nothing to see
White comes the light
There’s nothing to say
Words of the truth,
I’ll go where you guide me
I’ll walk in your shoes, if you show me the way.
White comes the light
There’s nothing to see
White comes the light
There’s nothing to say
Raise your hands high
For the words that are spoken
Show you the light and they show you the way.
Monday 1 October 2012
Nihilistic self aggression
WOW - with a title like that I probably need a shrink!
Today has been a day that I'd rather forget - in fact so has last night for that matter. Work has been pretty hard with stock taking last night and then a number of things going wrong today. I just feel so much pent up frustration and aggression - and somehow i feel like I want to take it out on myself, like I am blaming myself for all of this.
That's crazy because 99% of what has happened is outside of my locus of control and the other 1% has been dealt with in what I hope will prove to be the correct manner. Certainly the choices I have made in how I dealt with it seem the only logical choices, rational and correct with company procedure. So that said, why do I feel the hurt and self aggression? What am I going to do with it? Am I going to do anything with it?
Well, I'm not going to do anything irrational I don't think. that said, I have a very dear friend who had a period of time when they would self harm.. Now their reasons were fare more far reaching than mine, but they once said to me that it was a pin that took away the pain inside, by making it real and physical it masked the emotional. I think I get just the tiniest little edge of what they mean. I can see now how manifesting it upon yourself can have that effect. I'm not heading down that road, but I can feel just a little bit of the self destructive side of it coming in.
Ok, and now on a different note - as in a complete 180 flip - The whole settle down and start a family thing has been going through my mind again today. Little bits here and there, in fleeting glimpses. this just as someone appears to show me the way back towards my faith a little bit. Now this person is young, 19 and its not them that I'm thinking of, but it creates the thought that, somewhere out there there are women around my age that go to church, that have faith, that maybe I could meet somehow, somewhere - God willing. Its always seemed a bit distant and far fetched but maybe it could exist.
I've come back to some lyrics that I started ages ago, when I was writing for 'G'. They were as a religious song back then but it felt a little forced and not quite right - and never had any music to go with them anyway. This time round, they feel a little better now that I'm rewriting them and the music seems to be coming with them as well. So, in my own words, I offer:
White comes the light
There's nothing to see
White comes the light
There's nothing to say
One empty glass
And one lonely traveler,
Is all that is left at the break of the day.
...
Today has been a day that I'd rather forget - in fact so has last night for that matter. Work has been pretty hard with stock taking last night and then a number of things going wrong today. I just feel so much pent up frustration and aggression - and somehow i feel like I want to take it out on myself, like I am blaming myself for all of this.
That's crazy because 99% of what has happened is outside of my locus of control and the other 1% has been dealt with in what I hope will prove to be the correct manner. Certainly the choices I have made in how I dealt with it seem the only logical choices, rational and correct with company procedure. So that said, why do I feel the hurt and self aggression? What am I going to do with it? Am I going to do anything with it?
Well, I'm not going to do anything irrational I don't think. that said, I have a very dear friend who had a period of time when they would self harm.. Now their reasons were fare more far reaching than mine, but they once said to me that it was a pin that took away the pain inside, by making it real and physical it masked the emotional. I think I get just the tiniest little edge of what they mean. I can see now how manifesting it upon yourself can have that effect. I'm not heading down that road, but I can feel just a little bit of the self destructive side of it coming in.
Ok, and now on a different note - as in a complete 180 flip - The whole settle down and start a family thing has been going through my mind again today. Little bits here and there, in fleeting glimpses. this just as someone appears to show me the way back towards my faith a little bit. Now this person is young, 19 and its not them that I'm thinking of, but it creates the thought that, somewhere out there there are women around my age that go to church, that have faith, that maybe I could meet somehow, somewhere - God willing. Its always seemed a bit distant and far fetched but maybe it could exist.
I've come back to some lyrics that I started ages ago, when I was writing for 'G'. They were as a religious song back then but it felt a little forced and not quite right - and never had any music to go with them anyway. This time round, they feel a little better now that I'm rewriting them and the music seems to be coming with them as well. So, in my own words, I offer:
White comes the light
There's nothing to see
White comes the light
There's nothing to say
One empty glass
And one lonely traveler,
Is all that is left at the break of the day.
...
Saturday 29 September 2012
Stress
Im at work right now, Im seriously stressed and there is one person who is really not helping things. I feel a frustration like I haven't felt in a while and I need somewhere to vent it... Here will do!
Other than that this is a fine way to waste away the last few minutes of my lunch break. A break that is so late it could be afternoon tea!
Stressing aside, it's strange how things transpire and numerous paths seems to cross each other to lead you to certain places. Someone I work with has really started me thinking. Its been ages since Ive been to church and actually expressed my beliefs. I think they have basically taken a back seat for a while - neglect, working to hard etc. Yet now it is like I'm being given a prod in the right direction again. The feelings that I have about what feels right and how I want to worship appear to have been given a name - The Baptist Church. So on the surface that seems to fit.. I think maybe i need to do some reading and find out exactly what doctrine and whether it all seems to fit, but so far so good?
Other than that I just seem to be being given a prod in the right direction. I described it to this particular person at work as it feeling like you are picked up from your current path and set down in a different direction, almost with a "No you don't, I want you over here..."
This feels like it again. And it's strange how messages always seem to come from someone that God knows you will listen to. Either the place in your life that they have or something else that makes you pay attention to them.
Strange times, strange day. Anyway, feeling a little better now so off to deal with the last 35 minutes of it all before I can go home.
Other than that this is a fine way to waste away the last few minutes of my lunch break. A break that is so late it could be afternoon tea!
Stressing aside, it's strange how things transpire and numerous paths seems to cross each other to lead you to certain places. Someone I work with has really started me thinking. Its been ages since Ive been to church and actually expressed my beliefs. I think they have basically taken a back seat for a while - neglect, working to hard etc. Yet now it is like I'm being given a prod in the right direction again. The feelings that I have about what feels right and how I want to worship appear to have been given a name - The Baptist Church. So on the surface that seems to fit.. I think maybe i need to do some reading and find out exactly what doctrine and whether it all seems to fit, but so far so good?
Other than that I just seem to be being given a prod in the right direction. I described it to this particular person at work as it feeling like you are picked up from your current path and set down in a different direction, almost with a "No you don't, I want you over here..."
This feels like it again. And it's strange how messages always seem to come from someone that God knows you will listen to. Either the place in your life that they have or something else that makes you pay attention to them.
Strange times, strange day. Anyway, feeling a little better now so off to deal with the last 35 minutes of it all before I can go home.
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