After a month away from here...

Ok, Last time I was getting all stressed out over moving house and trying to fond somewhere. Well, the reason for me going quiet is that I have found somewhere and moved in (maybe I'll post some photos on here in a few days). Because of moving I haven't had any web access for the last couple of weeks, partially thanks to British Telecom cocking up my broadband installation. But I'm on now. So I've been through the rough but some how, but now there is a path and it feels pretty much like things are getting back on track with everything in my life.

Silence is not always golden

I've had a bit of a sabbatical from blogging for a couple of weeks. Not really intentionally, although I have been working every day for the last three weeks. Today is my first day off fro three weeks. And as soon as it's over, I;m going back in for another three week stint. The only thing that keeps me interested is that I need the money to move house.

I thin the real thing keeping me off here though, has been the lack of feeling like I have something to say. I guess I can now say that everything has worked into a pattern and a way forward. I won't say that it's all worked out for the best because I'm not so sure that it has. There's still a load of grief to deal with, the place I'm moving to is not really somewhere I want to live but I guess that I'm just going to have to deal with it. Work is still stressing me out a bit - I'm coming up to my 6 month probation and at this point they have the right to decide that they do not want me any more.

I think that the best thing is just not to make a big deal about it and see if I can let the date slip past without anything happening and then there's a different set of rules that they have to play by.

I'm still feeling a little bit fed up at the moment if I'm being honest. Things aren't as heavy going as they were, the balls that I need to juggle have changed a little and it seems like everything at the moment is hinged around waiting. Waiting for the references to come back to the lettings agent, waiting for them to get the tenancy agreement drawn up, waiting to get a date when I can get the keys and move in. There's still a chance that this place could fall through and if it does then I have no backup plan and nowhere to go when my tenancy ends.

Feeling terrible - in more ways the one

Ok, so I'm probably the only person who can manager to catch a cold in the middle of summer! I've got blocked ears, blocked nose and a really sore throat. So, as you can imagine, I'm not quite feeling my best right about now. Don't get me wrong, it could be far worse and I'm aware that plenty of people have to deal with illnesses far worse than the common cold. Right now that isn't really helping though.

Work isn't going according to plan either, for some reason people are just not interested in buying right now. Last month was good, very good. There are still a few people coming in but far less than last month and those who are coming in don't want to buy yet. There's interest in the merchandise but when it comes to the crunch they're all looking in respect to a future purchase.

I'm also now into the space in time where I need to be looking for somewhere else to live. My tenancy agreement comes to an end in July and I don't think there's any chance of an extension. Even if there was, I wouldn't take it unless I was desperate. Commuting is costing me a small fortune right now. Petrol, parking and wear and tear on the car. My income is pretty much at full stretch and I need to drop some costs by moving closer to work. I've really only started looking in the last few days and there's a couple of half decent leads to follow up. the first place I looked as was an absolute hell hole. Damp, peeling wallpaper and probably hadn't been modernised since the 1970's! With a little money put in it could have been so nice but as it was it was barely fit for animals let alone a human! There's somewhere else that I've seen and want to get a viewing for but I cant get hold of anyone at the weekend so I'll have to try on Monday.

Update, after a while...

Not a huge amount going down right now to be honest. We hit 98.4% at work last month. That means a basic bonus but nothing that my bank manager is going to get excited about! However, I've also got a few days of overtime coming up as I'm on a training course for two days, then my deputy is on a course for a day. Couple of weeks alter, one of my sales guys is on a weeks holiday so I'm doing the extra hours to cover. I guess that I'll be pretty tired by the end of it but hopefully that should be just about enough money to sort things out a bit.

So, massive thanks and praise, I think that my prayers have been listened to and it looks like they're going to be answered. It's not really the answer that I was praying for, I was kind of hoping that the store would hit target. However, it is an answer that solves my problems and does not create any other issues, so it's probably a better outcome than I was looking for.

Not A Good Day At Work

I had my boss come down to work to visit today and it didn't go as well as expected. I know that I've had a comparatively easy time of it so far in comparison with life in my previous employer so what would have seemed like a mild inconvenience six months ago now seems much bigger and out of proportion. It kind of feels like a case of 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' . It's not that there's a huge amount of things that I need to deal with but it just sort of feels personal.

My boss does not have a particularly motivation way of promoting the need for change and improvement. It's not his fault, he just seems to have an ability to make you feel guilty for no good reason. I guess I should be used to that, My old man has had the ability to make you feel like dirt for no apparent reason, for as long as I can remember. I can even remember Mum complaining about it at times too.

So I have to lick my wounds tonight and get on with it again tomorrow. There's no point in getting all obsessed about it because the changes that do need to happen are going to have to be driven and role modeled by me. Further more, if they're not sorted out then it's me that is directly accountable for the long term result. (I say long term, he's coming back to see how we're doing in two weeks!)

I don't think it helped that I've been feeling really ill all day. I think that I ate something really iffy last night. Thing is, it smelled alright when I cooked it, tasted alright when I ate it but it's done me in today alright. I've felt sick all day and really bloated. Come to think about it, I don't feel much better now either. The moral of the tale - don't eat my cooking!

New Pet Project

Ok, so things are ticking over in most of my life in the same way as they alway have done. Work is the same old stuff, albeit a little better than before.

But that's not what this entry is about. I have started my own web site, ratherodd.org and have spent most of my free time over the last week on getting it up and running.

It's by no means finished but it's ready for visitors. As well as being a place to have some fun, I'm also using it to promote my music as well. I'm not sure what will come of putting my music more prominently on display, if anything, but it will be interesting to see. I've decided that the web site is going to focus on bizarre, unusual and disgusting things. Now all I have to do is tread the fine line between that and my religion. I'm sure at some point I'll get it wrong. It's a fine line to tread. but I want to try. After all, having my own web page is a great new adventure!

A prayer answered, maybe?

OK, so my last couple of posts have been asking fro some help and for things to go well. Well, things have suddenly picked up at work. There are still challenges that I have to deal with - not least to sales people that I have to manage who cannot get on with each other and do nothing other than rub each other up the wrong way. Business still has the odd off day (yesterday was one of those on a spectacular level) but then today was better than average and pretty much made up for it.

Right now I have a little clear air and some recognition from my bosses and the atmosphere between us feels a little less pressured. If the store reaches it's target this month then the onus that could come from it may well pay the bills for keeping my car on the road and perhaps even cover off some of the expenses that I'm going to face when I move house some time in the next couple of months.

Still not really feeling any better

I've been off work today - day off. I haven't done very much really. Put a few things on ebay, finished my latest musical 'masterpiece'. So on and so forth.

Despite doing these things and generally trying to relax and forget about work, it hasn't really helped too much. I am still worried about everything today, that worried me yesterday. I haven't heard from work today, nor did I want to contact them to find out the figures, for fear of being seen to pressure them.

I can't stop everything going round in my head. The though that I may be about to loose my job over the current performance should be making the blood rise in my veins, but for some reason there is a certain resignation in my mind. As if the last experience has taken the fight from me and it is yet to return. I think that there may be some more healing of the past that I have yet to complete. I am not as strong as I though I was, or as indeed I wold like to portray myself as being. I think that my prayers are simple tonight;

Feeling VERY Insecure

I was off from work today. I went up to Oxford to help my grandad out with his laptop as it wasn't quite right. When I got back from that I'd only been in the house for about 5 minutes before the phone rang. It was my boss saying that he was coming to Salisbury and was taking the team out for drinks. It then when through the usual 'It's up to you if you want to come over' routing but it was a loaded choice and I'm sure it would have been noted if I wan not prepared to play for the team. As it goes, I didn't have any plans for this evening anyway so I didn't mind going over to Salisbury - and it gave me a nice run on the bike. However, the conversation was pretty work orientated, as I was expecting. It came round to the store not doing target last month buy the worst performance ever.

Then he let it slip that the manager of the Maidstone has been let go for poor performance and poor management styles. The Maidstone store opened after Salisbury so the manager had not completed anywhere near his 6 month probation. So now I am shitting some serious bricks. If that can happen to him, it can happen to me. To say that I'm feeling insecure is an understatement and I am just waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. Right at a time when I have to start thinking about looking for somewhere else to live when my tenancy expires on my current place.

So what do I do? Somehow I need to find a way to bring the subject up and get an inkling of what is likely to happen. I don't want to find myself living somewhere with a new tenancy agreement that I cant pay for. So what the hell do I do? As things stand, I an not necessarily thinking about this company as a definite long term career move but at the very least I want to give it at least a year to see what doors open because it feels like it has good potential.

A truly terrible day at work

Today was awful. The worst sales day that we've had for a while, combined with the fact that it's the last day of the month and we've got no where near target. Just to top it all off some toe rag has stolen a demonstration product from display. The alarm didn't activate - I now find out that the system is incomplete an there was no way for it to active. Just to top it all off, the cctv hasn't been recording to the hard drive for the last 8 days. I didn't know that either.

The thing is, I feel that it's my fault - or more specifically, as if I didn't feel bad enough already, I'm being made to feel that it's my fault by my boss. In all honesty, I don't think that there was anything that I could have done differently to prevent it but that probably wont save my neck. It certainly doesn't do my chances of being retained after my 6 month probation is over.

I'm personally expecting to be told tat I'm having the value of the stolen item docked from my wages. There's nothing in my contract about that but somehow I just get the feeling that is what could well happen. If it does, I need to find some way of fighting it.

I jest feel really bad about it. The thing is, whoever took it probably sees it as a victimless crime, but in actuality, as well as the company being a victim, I feel like a victim. I feel the same way that I did the time that my room was broken into at university.

I know the cliche is to say 'If they'd only ask I'd have given them the money' and on this occasion, I'm certainly not going to say that - the person who took it is probably going to sell it and use the money to by drugs or alcohol. Whatever your belief about drugs, right or wrong, both they and alcohol are 'luxuries' at best and the Devils temptations at worst. So I wouldn't have given them the money instead. I do, however, wish that they feel as much guilt for their act, as I do upset and pain by them committing it. Maybe their guilt would drive them to seek forgiveness and repent of their sins and seek Jesus salvation.

Father, I know that my reaction to what has happened is not exactly

turning the other cheek

And I certainly can't really forgive right now, even though I know that's what I should do.

But I pray that you can forgive them

Moreover, I pray that they will come to you for forgiveness

for what they have done.

Please don't let the actions of another person

have an impact on my relationship with those higher than me in the company.

And please let me get on with things and not dwell on this too much.

In Jesus name,

Amen

Staring down the barrel

Its been a testing few days. My car failed its MOT the other day and I've had to fork out precious money to keep it on the road. Its a catch 22 - I cant not spend the money on it. I need it to get to work to earn the money in the first place. On the other hand, I could well do without the expense. What with paying the road tax, insurance and the cost of the MOT itself as well, I'm in trouble money wise. Its on the credit card right now but there's no what that I can pay for it right now. I also have to worry about the expenses of moving house in a couple of months time.

Work isn't going fantastically either. The incentive is working well, people are certainly selling more effectively and the results are better than they ever could have been before that. However, its a serious struggle to get to target from where we are. There's another 25% to go with only 4 days to do it. Even with everyone well on board, we are now up against the difference that the credit crunch, nae full blown recession, is making to the business. I have to say that I feel a little helpless in my ability to keep it going. I can see that there is no way that the store is going to do target without some serious divine intervention. I cant let the rest of the team see that though, the confidence is pretty fragile and if I allow my doubts to show, the I will be the one who brings down the whole house of card. - Oh the fun of work-place politics!

Father, I have no idea what I am meant to be doing now,

Or how I am meant to be achieving what is before me.

If I carry on in the same way it is likely that I cannot do what I need to.

please help me to see the best way forward and to deal with those around me,

both my team and my bosses.

I think that right now, what I really need is a little divine intervention.

Please find a way to act through those I am surrounded by,

Please help me to act for the good of those who I am around.

In Jesus Name Amen

Is it wrong?

I'm not sure if it's really wrong or not but I want to pray for success at work right now. There's a promotion on at the moment that means I could win up to £300 in Apple vouchers. I don't really want to win all of them, that'd be greedy. I'd quite like to win some though. The greater aim is to get the store through sales target this month and I guess that's more important to me, especially as my probation is up in a couple of months so I'll be reviewed on current performance. I can't help but feel a little insecure that the store is not yet at target. It's grown every month so far, but never actually hot the complete target.

The thing is, I feel a little unsure that I should be asking for personal gain out of such a situation. Compared with everything else that is going on in the world, me praying for success at work, from which I stand to benefit financially, just seems like greed to me.

The thing is, even if I don't really write it down here, or even say it in my prayers, it's in my heart - and that's where God looks, right? So simply by it being there Gd knows it. But is it an impure thought? I mean, so many times we pray it is for some kind of personal gain. Ultimately it's not (really) about the money, although it would be most welcome, it would really be about hitting target and getting a result that might help keep me in a job.

Christ is risen

It's Easter Sunday and we celebrate Christ's rising from the grave and all that the Resurrection means for us. I don't feel too much different as a physical person, but as a spiritual person I feel stronger. Just as Christ appear to his followers when He rose, I feel like, in spirit, he has shown himself to me once again.

I felt drawn back to my old church in Basingstoke to celebrate today, I don;t know why. It's not like I've been part of the congregation there for a number of years. But it was the church where I was confirmed. Somehow it seemed right, as with the Easter service containing the Profession Of Faith and sprinkling of Holy Water, it seemed that it was a good place to re affirm what I believe.

Easter Sunday has long been a day with meaning for me as when Gemma and I were traveling a few years ago, I am 100% sure that, as we attended a service in a church we had never been to before, I was briefly in contact with the spirit of my mother, who had died a couple of years before. I think that maybe Easter Sunday has a certain power about it. Like maybe the heavens are just a little closer that day, or maybe Christ walks just that little bit closer to us on this day.

All I know is that prayers said in faith on Easter Sunday seem to have more resonance and more effect for me personally an it is a day that I feel drawn to celebrate.

Father, I thank you for

Jesus rising form the dead,

For everything that means for Christians all over the world,

And for those who have yet to discover Christ.

When I pray, may my prayers be true and

May I ask only for that which is your will.

Please share with others who have a weakness of faith,

Or those yet to come to you,

The joy of the Resurrection and the comfort that comes

From knowing that we are truly loved and truly saved.

In Jesus Name

Amen

Happy Easter

The true meaning of forgiveness

Ok, so in the run up to easer, I have been asking for forgiveness for some of my sins and forgiving others for things that I have held against them. Some of those I have shared on here, some of them are just between me and Jesus.

The truth that I think that I have realised is that even when we ask God, or others to forgive us, what we ultimately need to forgive ourselves also.

"I, even I, am the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own sake; and I will not remeber your sins" (Isaiah 43:25)

"In Him [Jesus] we have redemption, through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the richness of His grace (Ephesians 1:7)

So if God forgives all those who come to him through Christ and confess their sins, seeking absolution, why do we not always forgive ourselves? One of the things that I have long sought forgiveness for, I find out by taking to the friend who I wronged, that they have long since forgotten my indiscretion and did not even recall it when I mentioned it to them. Yet, I still hold it against myself as one of the few things that I wish I could actually travel back in time and change.

And so we are with God, many times we ask for forgiveness and yet we do not really forgive ourselves. God loves us so much that he gave His only son to bring us to salvation. So we ask for forgiveness but do not really forgive our selves. God as forgotten our sins long before we have even truly forgiven ourselves and, indeed each other. Maybe we should all be a little quicker to forgive ourselves once we have asked for forgiveness from God.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9)

So we are just to forgive ourselves, as God does not hold our sins against us if we truly repent.

Father, please help me to forgive myself

Of the sins that I still hold inside

As you have forgiven me the sins that I repent,

Please help me to feel this for real and to move on

from the sins that hold me back.

Please help me not to hold sins against other people.

As I pray for forgiveness of others, please help me to forgive them in my heart,

as you forgive them in yours.

As Easter Sunday approaches, please help me to

Appreciate the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross

And what it truly means to me

And to all those who come to you through Him.

For the fact that you can save the human race,

please help me to spread the gospel of your love

and to show my love for you in a way that others

can comprehend.

This I ask in Jesus Name

Amen

Todays Forgiveness...

Ok, short and to the point;

Father, today I ask for forgiveness for something that happened

about this time of year, many, years ago.

I once prayed for something that I shouldn't have been given

Yet I prayed with such force and conviction that you still answered me.

I prayed to be given a physical relationship with someone who I loved

Yet should not have been with.

And you gave me what I should not have had.

And being weak, I gave in - outside of marriage.

So, please father, forgive me for my moment of weakness.

I also want to forgive someone for the hurt that they have caused me and a close friend

And for trying to drive a wedge between us. I will not name a name

But I will put the initials N.S.

Father, you know who I mean and that is all that matters.

I want to forgive them for their actions,

Please help me to let go of the animosity that I sometimes feel towards them

And heal the hurt that makes me feel it on the first place

This I ask

In Jesus name

Amen

Does God Celebrate Easter?

On the face of it, that seems a really silly question, of corse He would... But think about it; you send your only Son down to earth to save the Human race, who you love as your own image. And what does the human race do? Most of them refuse to accept their salvation and end up killing your son. How much compassion does it take to forgive that? It's not exactly the sort of thing that you'd celebrate, is it? So, maybe its the resurrection? Certainly I think that there is someone in all out lives that we would celebrate the day that the walked again. And that's it. It is the resurrection that we celebrate, the abundance of life, the forgiveness of sins.

So that is what I am going to do. Between now and Easter Sunday, I am going to pray for the forgiveness of a sin that I have yet to repent for, and in turn, forgive another for a sin against me that I have yet to forgive them for.

So, 'Does God celebrate Easter?' My though is that He celebrates that we do.

Father, as I have said above, I pray for forgiveness

Today I hold before you the way that I behaved towards my

Mother when I was a teenager.

I have said that I am sorry before, but never

Have I truly asked for forgiveness.

Whilst she is no longer alive to forgive, I ask you in her place.

Please forgive all that I have done, that I am truly sorry for.

And, father, I ask you to forgive all those who bullied me when I was at school

I will not name names, although I could place a dozen here I'm sure.

You saw them and know who they are.

Despite what they have left me with, I am ready to let go and forgive

For those who have any remorse for their actions,

Please let them feel that they are forgiven and that I bear no grudge.

Please grant me the strength to continue to heal the wounds that they have left behind.

I ask in Jesus name

Amen

The perfect day off

I think that today has been pretty much my perfect day off. I had a nice lie in to start with and then did a bit of housework and got the vacuuming and sweeping out of the way. I then spent a number of hours out in the sun washing and waxing both the car and bike. After that I went out for a little drive in the sun. Just to top the day off perfectly I have a pizza in the oven and a couple of bottles of my favourite cider to wash it down with.

I didnt think about work at all, they didnt phone me or anything and the sunshine was really up lifting. The peace and quiet of the countryside with the sound of the brids, a few horses neighing in the distance and a complete feeling of escapism and of being in paradise. With the exception of buying my pizza and cider when I went out earlier, I have not spoken to another person all day. Whilst that is not my usual way, I have to say that it was exactly what I needed. I feel more relaxed after this one day off than I have after some hollidays that I've had.

I couldn't help but feel that today had a little divine intervention behind it. A day this warm and perfect as today just felt like it had to be made by God himself. Everything looked beautiful, trees, fields, even the centre of Eastleigh (which usually looks like a crap hole at the best of times!) Everything looks good with the sun shining on it. Like God himself is smiling down on the plannet.

Father, thankyou for today

Thankyou the warmth of the sun

And the feeling of being free that it gave me today

Thankyou for all the blessings that I have enjoyed today

My car, my bike and the time away from work to enjoy them

Thankyou for recharging me today,

With the challenges I face at work,

I feel like I now have some energy to take them on again

Please help me to share the feelings that I have

Experienced today with those around me

and to show that they are because of your love.

In Jesus Name

Amen

A return to creativity

After a long absence from writing and producing anything of musical note, I have finally broken the drought. Over the last two days I have written and produced a new track that is completely original. I've been ticking over on remixes for the last couple of weeks, not really being very original but producing some interesting ideas. Now I am back into my creative flow, maybe there will be some more to follow? Better still, maybe I will meet someone who can sing some of the vocals for me. I must admit that it's annoying that I cannot sing any of the lyrics that I write but I guess i would rather be able to write music and lyrics than to have to sing those given to me by someone else. My creativity is my release and somewhere to channel the energies that dwell within.

Father, thank you for allowing me the gift to create music

and to be able to express myself creatively.

There are times when I have thought about trying to

write religious lyrics to with some of my music.

I'm just not sure that they'd do justice to my beliefs.

Maybe you could guide me?

The words that I woke up with in my head the other day,

Were they meant for this purpose?

I guess that they could be but I'm not sure.

Thank you for the words anyway,

And thank you for giving me my creativity back.

In Jesus Name

Amen

After A Long Time Away

Well, I've not put a post up on here for a while. The main reason for that is that I have been working solidly this week and it has knocked me back a little bit. I've done seven days solid so that two of my staff could go on a training course. I have tomorrow off and that will be nice. I can kick back and relax for a day.

I took the bike to work today and I have to say that it was fantastic. It was almost like an early summers day. The sun was warm, a little chill on the air but not enough to make it cold and very little traffic on the road. The perfect day to own a motorbike! I just find biking so relaxing, like it blows all your cares away. I should have felt pretty much dead on my feet today, what with it being my 7th day straight, but after biking in it almost felt like a pyjama day!

However, on the more troublesome side of life, my car is in a bad way. My baby is sick and in need of a little TLC. Unfortunately TLC costs money. Money that I don't really have right now. Having been out of work for a while my finances are all over the place right now and everything is a bit hand-to-mouth. I haven't had chance to get some savings stored up for this sort of thing yet.

Father, whilst I'm pretty sure that I don't want to be asking

for help to deal with things as simple as maintaining my car.

I do feel that I should be praying for the opportunity to

Build some stability back into my life again

In a couple of months I will be needing to move house again

And before then I need to get some stability to my finances and

To my commitments.

Please grant me the presence of mind to do the best I can

With the situations that are in front of me.

In Jesus Name

Amen

Relaxation On My Day Off

It's only going to be a short entry as I 've had a day off from work today. It was nice to be able to do very little for the day. I did the basics - vacuuming, wash the car, do the food shopping etc. And I got my usual day of treat. Old Rosie cider - the nicest cider that I have discovered to date - and, in my opinion, a real taste of freedom. Perfect for a day off. Other than that I haven't been up to too much today. Nice to have a day of doing very little.

Not that I can truly have a day off, I still logged on to see how work did in my absence. Maybe I should have a day off more often?! They did better without me than they do when I am there. As long as that pattern doesn't continue (joke).

I'd like to think that I have been listening today. There's not been too much on my mind to distract me. I can't say that I've heard anything. I'm fully expecting it to take more than a day so the previous comment is pretty much tongue in cheek.

Father, My prayers today are much the same as last night,

All I can say is that, when you feel the time is right to speak,

I am doing my best to listen.

In Jesus name

Amen

It's been a while since I've been on here, not much has changed in all reality. Work is chugging along quite nicely. Things seem to have improved quite a lot in that respect. I think that's what I would call 'a prayer answered'. So that's everything in a nice little stable groove right now. And I guess that's where I need to be. Having been down to the bottom, I can't begin to climb straight back to the top without laying some solid foundations on which to build.

I think that maybe I need to turn my attention back to trying to find a partner again. Thing is, where do I look. I don't want someone who is morally loose. I want someone who shares my Christian values and has some self respect. You don't exactly find them getting drunk and putting themselves around in pubs and clubs. For the same reason that I don't go there, nor do they. So where do I meet them? Where do they go? How do you find someone who has the values to resist the carnal sins of society and by that very resistance, they keep away from the 'meat markets' that (male?) society has created in order to find female prey? It's a dilemma that I can't really answer. All I know is that I am getting weak. I find myself looking at women in the street that I find attractive and having thoughts that I should not be. There is nothing wrong with appreciating the attractiveness of the opposite sex, but those thoughts and observations should be respectful. I am becoming weak.

Father, please forgive me for when I am weak,

I do not really intend to be as weak as I am

Yet I am not strong enough to resist it either.

Where do I find a partner who shares the same values as I do?

Someone who brings out the best in me

Who helps me to be all I can be

Who I can help to be all that they can be

Someone who will love me without hesitation

Someone who I can love unconditionally

Can you guide me to find the right one?

I am listening, if you are ready to speak.

I ask in Jesus name

Amen

Another Month

Ok, so here we are in March and its meant to be the start of Spring. A time of growth and new beginnings. I have the day off from work tomorrow and I might well have a bit of a clean out. It just might be nice if the weather had stayed spring like. Having used the bike a couple of times on my days off recently, I certainly won't be using it tomorrow. Its raining buckets and blowing a gale out there. I cant even light a fire tonight because the wind keeps blowing the smoke back down the chimney. It feels like winter again!

I don't really know what I should be praying for right now, I just sort of feel the need to open my mind and my heart right now. I don't know what I need to be listening for but I can't help feeling that right now I should be listening.

Father, I don't know quite what to say

I feel like I should be listening to you you right now.

Is there anything that I need to hear?

Please help me to empty my mind and allow space for your words to enter.

That's about all I can say. I hope it makes sense

In Jesus Name

Amen

A Brighter Day

Well, work was fantastic toady. Of course, it was payday for many people this weekend and it seemed like they all came in and bought from us. Today was officially the biggest sales day that the Salisbury store has ever had. It felt like an oiled team effort too. Everyone doing something slightly different and contributing to the success of the store as a whole. The real irony is that, after todays result, if the month was 30 days instead of 28, there'd be a real chance of doing target. As it is we come up 6% short.

But, accentuate the positive etc... There's much to be thankful for, maybe I have managed to clear the air with the team and get a fresh start. But that now means that I have 5 months to achieve what I should have been aiming for in 6. Oh well, I'm still in the game to fight another round at least. I will just have to learn some new team tactics as I am going. If I cannot use the management style that I am used to I am sure that I have the skills to adapt. Right now I am just thankful to get on an even keel again.

Father, once again you have given me more than I deserve

Thankyou for helping me to find a way to get things

back into the right groove and for the little successes

every day that make life seem that much more positive.

Whilst I am sure that I am working with a team that do not believe,

Please grant us all success as a whole in what we do

Please help me to role model all that is Good and Positive about your love

In a manner that will not alienate them but will help the,

to question and find you.

In Jesus Name

Amen

I had my boss down with me for the day at work and what I thought would be a slightly tricky day turned out to be a day that totally took the wind out of my sails. I have slowly been trying to gently coax people at work to focus in a little bit on what we need to achieve in order to e able to deliver the targets that we are about to be set. It now transpires that they have been bitching about me to my boss behind my back. There is part of me that says that I do not care, I am trying to help them and they are just resisting the inevitable but the problem is that I still have 5 months left on my probation and if they continue to moan then I won't keep the position at the end of it.

So maybe the plan of action needs to be revised a little. I think for the time being I will just have to play the team player game and bide my time. When the bonuses dry up and they see a gap in their pay packets they will come and ask my how they can make up a 25% increase in targets.

I don't feel that I have been too aggressive with what I am doing but somehow I have missed the mark with it. That irritates me greatly because all I ultimately want to achieve is a successful store and a winning team. I don't want to change any of them, or what they do. I just want them to do it as much of the time as they can.

Lord, please help me to see what I am doing wrong.

Please help me to be able to talk to my team

and to be able to do whatever is necessary

for them to feel that they can approach me

rather than going over my head to my boss.

Please help me to be able to correct what I have damaged so far

and to be able to build a successful team.

More over, please give me the vision to be able to

see what I need to be and to be able to turn my back

on the conditioning from previous jobs that is holding me back at the moment.

In Jesus Name

Looking for a Church

Everything's going to be alright - atleast for now.  Work was good today, not fantastic money but enough to keep us going towards target.  More importantly it was fun and enjoyable.

Best of all when I got home I found out that I had a decent offer for my old laptop.  Having got my nice shiny new Macbook I have no need for the old PC based one anymore.  The person that bought it was local as it goes and they have already turned up and paid cash.  They seemed like a nice person and I'm glad that I was able to sell my laptop to someone that actually needed it, rather than the previous offer that had come from a faceless company that would have probably just resold it on and ripped someone off for it.

Most importantly, It means that I now have some money that I can pay into my bank account to prevent myself from going overdrawn before I finally get paid.  I'm thankful that someone is looking out for me.  I hadn't realised how much stress I was putting on myself over this but now that it is lifted it feels so much better

Father, thank you for looking after me

and guiding me on path that is right for me to follow.

Can I also ask you for some help?

I need to find a church where I belong.

Something modern and contemporary but

no too evangelical and trite.

Please help me to know where to look for my spiritual home

I will look, if you can guide me, please

In Jesus Name

Amen

Thankful

I think I can relate just a little to people who are really struggling for money right now.  With changing jobs being quite a recent thing, I haven't been paid for my new employer yet.  That comes at the end of the month but in the mean time I have used up all my savings.  DOn't get me wrong, I'm not in a BAD way financially.  But I can relate to having to decide what you buy and whether you can afford something or not.  All this month my credit card has been used for everyday living, something that I would not normally do and now I have a bill bigger than I can pay in one go.

That's no drama, I have an income to pay it with - what I am driving at is that this is the worse off I have ever been and I can begin to relate to those for whom cash is an issue.

Father,  I thank you for the blessings

That I have.

Although today may seem tough

tomorrow has a brighter light.

For those who have a darker day on the horizon,

please be with them and bring them your love

And help them to find a way through this

Somehow, as a society, we need to

find a way through this financial crisis

Please help us all to come together as one

and move forward with you in mind.

Turning our back on the excessive greed and 

looking for a society where we all look after each other

In Jesus Name

Amen

After the Rain...

Well, I didn't get any valentines cards from any secret admirers... I guess it's going to take longer for there to be an answer to that prayer.

Its interesting where God comes in though.  I was at work today and a vicar came in from one of the little churches around the city centre.  There's a few of them, mostly in little nooks and crannies, where the developers have lost the battle to tear down Churches of God and replace them with churches of consumerism.  In a way I'm surprised that the Cathedral is not a little more active than it is, leaving it to the little Churches nearby to reach out.

Anyway, it was nice to have someone from the local community coming round and thinking of the retailers in a time when things are not so good.  He was offering retailers the chance to be prayed for as a company or as people.I sort of felt a little like I was being called to his Chrch.  I think that I need to find time to go in there somehow.

Father, thank you for finding a way to talk to me,

Thank you for finding a way of offering you Love

to the retailers and people of Salisbury.

For those who need to hear you and be with you

Please give them the strength to come to you

and find strength and comfort

In Jesus Name

Amen

Don't Just Stand There... Pray Something!

The last few days have been kind of non events, wirk has been up and down business wise but pretty good in terms of atmosphere and morale. I think that its fair to say that everybody's feeling a bit tight money wise at the moment. Retailing luxury goods, albeit good quality ones for the high demographic market, is not a certain income in such times by any means.

The thing is, because it hasn't been one thing or the other, I havent really had much to pray about. Well, that's not true - there's always a reason to talk to God. If I am being more honnest, I havent felt motivated to do any talking becuase I dont have anything that I feel I need to say. That, I guess is a blessing in itself.

But I do have something I have to pray about. This is a long one and it requires some serious catharsis on my part before I pray. I have a story to tell here and I feel the need to tell it and to ask for healing to move on and get over it trully.

This story goes back 8 years ago now and its a long one. I'll try to keep it as short as I can without cutting off too much.

In my second year of uni my Mum died of lung cancer. I chose to move home for the third year so I could be arround for Dad. I'd have been happy to carry on away from home - my response to things is always to put my head down and pretend that it isn't happening! ANyway, while I was in the third year I took a job in a locla toyshop to help apy may way through uni. Working there I met a girl and instantly took a shine to her. We seemed to have an instant connection and she was the most amazing person that I have ever met - still is for that matter! We grew closer and in the end I got the guts together to tell her how I felt and that I wnated to be more than jsut friends. We started meeting up outside of work and going for walks etc. Not totally like a date but as more than normal firends. I discovered that they were quite hard to get close to but persevered. Eventually we ended up in a relationship but it was always a little difficult to get them to be emotionally close to me. I later found out why but that is not relevant to this.

I very quickly fell in love with them and eventually told them. Shortly after that we went travclling for three months and that was when things became a fully physical relationship. For me that cemented my love for them and in return they said that they loved me too. I was right on the edge of proposing to them, marriage was something that came up in conversation and I was more than ready to commit.

At the time it was in my prayers taht this would be Gods' will for us to work out like this. As I got to know them and I found out more about them I became a confidant for some seriously terrifying things that had happened to them in the past and had to deal with them self harming (I wish I had dealt with that so much better than I did!) and even a suicide attempt. Whilst I respected that as a confidant I had to keep a certain distance until I was invited further, in a way it made me love them even more, that this person had survived all this and was still so amazing. I was totally in love, head over heels. Anyway, after we got back from travelling we were good for a while and things were fantastic - or atleast so I thought. As it turns out, they were cheating on me. Worse still they were doing it with another woman.

I still find it hard to accept it as cheating, how can I compete with a woman? They can do things that I can't, love in a different way to me. Anyway, before to long, I was left for this woman and they came out as lesbian. It ripped me in two, I cried daily for weeks and suddenly I was the one who was self harming. I forgive them, in fact I think I forgave them as soon as it happened. We are still friends to this day, more like brother and sister than anything else. I would never change that now, having them in my life is worth having to deal with the pain of being constantly reminded of what could have been. The truth is that I could never tell them just how much they hirt me, just how much it still hurts.

It ended about 6 1/2 years ago and for atleast 3 years after I would not even look at another woman without feeling guilty. I've been on dates since but noone ever compares. The hurt is still very real and if I am being honnest I still love them completely. I'd drop everything if the opportunity ever arose. But it won't.

I need to be healed of this so that I can move on and find love again. I am pretty lonely on my own. I can cover it with work and by finding things to do but in all honnesty, I'd rather find someone to share life with.

So my prayer is this;

Father, at this time
I pray to be healed
I bear to you my heart on this page
And in person

I offer you this in all honnesty
and ask you to heal me of it
Please dont take away anyone close to me
But please take away the pain of the past with them

I am sorry for all the prayers
that I have offered
asking for this relationship to work
when it clearly was not your will

Please heal me of the hurt
and make me free to love without retraint

When the time is right
and I am ready to meet someone
please guide me
to find a parter

This I ask
With all my heart
In Jesus Name

Amen

NB - any comments of an anti Gay nature will be removed, anyone who wants to try to justify that approach based on Bible passages. go and re-read them with an open mind and you will realise that they do NOT condem homosexuality but condem loveless relationships, based on sex. And that can apply to any of us.

The end to a good week

Well, my store did target this week.  I am seriously relieved.  Whilst there is less pressure in my new company to do target (much less pressure!) it is still nice to have achieved it o especially at a time when retail is suffering and people are not spending.  In all honesty I think all the snow has helped us, people have felt less like going out long distances and have shopped locally and that has helped us.  Anyway, I am thankful for it.  If I manage to keep this rate going then maybe I can earn a bonus next  month.  That would be nice.  Thats the future though, right now I have to be thankful for what I have right in front of me.  Things are going well right now and God willing, they will continue to go well, but that is not something that I have a say over, I can only pray for Gods will to prevail and trust that it will be the right thing for me in the long run.  Anyway, tomorrow is a new week and I have it all to to again.

Father, thank you for the blessings that I have received,

both over the last week and over the longer term.

I pray that you can find it in your will that things

will continue to as well as they have done recently

If I am successful with what I do and I earn a bonus, 

please help me to remember that I should share my good fortune

with those who are less fortunate that I am.

But most of all, I want your will.

I do not want what is not mine to have.

I want your will, not mine

Yet in these prayers I ask that your will 

sees me through the tough times with your grace

and allows me the privilege to help others around me.

I am working tomorrow

I know that Sunday is the Sabbath

But the job that I do requires that I work it

If it is the Sabbath in my heart, and I work it

In the knowledge that I am really thinking of 

Jesus and your plans for me, is that really so wrong?

Please help me not to forget.

In Jesus Name

Amen

Just as a caviat, I'm forcing myself to use the Macbook that I have been given my work, by doing things on it I hop I can get used to it a bit more.  In reality half the keys on the keyboard are not responsive enough so half the letters don't register the first time and secondly, the edge of it is so sharp that it has given me sore wrists from leaning on the edge of it - Apple, please, please, please make your laptops curved at the edge and soften the sensors under they keyboard!  And that's that!

Looking For Love

Ok, I've been off from work for two days so there's not been too much happening really.  Its been pretty cold and snowed a bit more but it hasn't settled like on Monday and Tuesday.  Yesterday the wide of my land lord knocked on my door at about 11am having locked herself out of the house so I had to let her in and let her borrow the phone to see if she could get hold of her housekeeper for a spare key.  When she couldn't I volunteered to driver her over there to see if she could find her at home but she didn't seem to be.  That's about as much excitement as I've had over the last couple of days.

I guess in true selfish fashion, now that my work life seems to be on the up at the moment my mind is turning to the other things that I want and do not currently have.  Sure there are various frivolous consumer items on the list, I'll have to work for those - Im not about to waste Gods time praying for things that I can achieve myself in good time.  There is one thing that is on my mind at the moment though.

With valentines day on the way, I'm starting to feel a little agitated that I am still single.  I have been single for a number of years, after I got severely hurt by someone I loved with all my heart.  It took me many years to forgive them and to heal the pain that they left me.  I have been ready for a while to begin looking for someone but I never seem to move in the right circles.  After all, the sort of person that I want to meet is not the sort of person that I am likely to meed in bars and clubs, so that's out.  So where do you meet someone with a degree of class and morality who will conduct themselves according to Christian values?  It's not like they fall from trees or just turn up, walking down the street.

Father,  I thankyou for everything that you have done for me

Far more than I deserve

But the truth is that, for all that I have

I really long for someone to share it with.

Long term I want to find someone to settle down with

Get married and start a family.

What is it that I need to do?  I get the feeling that there is a reason

why you have not brought someone into my life.

I pray that you will grant me ears that will hear

and the presence of mind to comprehend what you are telling me.

Where should I look?  WHat should I do to be fit and ready?

I ask in Jesus Name

Amen

Snow!

So glad that I have some of this in the cold weather!

The view from my window this morning, there's about 4 inches out there and I've got to get to work!


Again, another photo of my garden in all its snowy lovliness.

On a serious note thoug, I have had to drive through some seriously difficult conditions over the last two days, and at a time when the road has been littered with breakdowns and accidents, the Lord has kept me safe. I now have2 days off from work so I dont have to go out in it for a while!

Father, thank you for keeping me safe over the last two days

Maybe I shouldn't have really gone out

But I couldn't let my team down

So thank you for guiding me and keeping me safe.

Please do the same for the many others

Who will set foot outside over the next few days.

Now that I have a couple fo days off, please can it sone a little more?

I really want to build a snowman becuase I haven't for years!

I know that I shouldn't ask for frivilous things but

As you can see my true desires, you'd know

That I wanted it anyway

So I may as well be open about it!

In Jesus Name

Amen

Life As A Whole

My Baby - photograph taken at my hold house (summer 2008)

I had a day off from work today. In itself that's nothing special. Especially as I have spent a coupple of months at home in the not too distant past. But it was, it was the best I can describe. Pure freedom, pure joy. The day started with some housework. I cleaned the place from end to end and that felt so good. It's not that my standards slipped when I was out of work, it was just harder to get motivated to do what needed to be done. After a couple of hours cleaning I went shopping. Nothing special, a couple of food items and some coal for the stove. How amazing it felt just to pick up what I needed without having to count the exact pennies as to whether I could afford it or not and that is such a blessing, I cant begin to describe it.

When I got back I took my bike out for a ride. My motorbike has always been what I live for, I was born to live life on two wheels. It is freedom, wind in your hair and flies in your teeth. At one with everything that is around you and feeling every little thing, magnified 10 fold. But, when you have no job, every penny you have spare goes in the car tank to get you to the interviews that could get you working again.

It was heatbreaking looking at my baby sitting on the driveway, oiling up every little nut and bolt to keep the rust away, having just enough petrol in the tank to start the engine evey now and then to keep a charge in the battery but not enough to go for a ride.

In the knowledge that I have an income, I cannot begin to describe how good it felt today to go out for a ride, just for the pleasure. I scrimped and saved to buy her in the first place and she is my baby. (yes, ok ok, its a sad thing for a man to love his motorcycle and to treat it like a person but I make no appology!) and I cannot describe how free I felt today, cold air, wind and the odd ray of winter sun. It just felt so amazing. I cannot begin to count such a blessing and how it makes me feel.

Father, I am sorry for the blessings that I have
that I do not give you enough thanks and praise for
There is so much that you have given me
That I do not deserve

Thank you so much for my previous job
that allowed me to buy my motorbike that makes me feel so free
Thank you for my job now,
that allows me to use my bike that makes me feel this free

And most of all, thank you for this freedom that I can feel
Today I felt it, I felt free - if only for a while
And with that freedom, the first thing that came to me
Is just how mcuh I owe you, and howmany thanks I have to give you.

All I pray is that I can continue to feel this way

In Jesus Name
Amen

A Time For Reflection

I haven't been on here for a couple of days, partly because of work and partly because I haven't had that much to say. However tonight is different. I was watching the news this evening and yet more job cuts are being annoucned. God willing, I wont be going back to the dole queue myself but having only jst got free from unemployment I can completely feel for the ppor people who are being made redundant. I have a decent record and good experience, it still took 2 months of hard prayer and hard work to get me back inot work. Some of these people are going to be unemployed for far loger than that.

Father, As I count my blessings for a job that pays enough for me to live on,
Please be with those that are losing their jobs right now
Offer them strength and guidance through this tough time
And give them the drection they need to find employment.

Please grant wisdom to those who have the power to make decisions
that have an influence over the economies of the world.
At a time when there are so many choices that they could make
please guide them to make the ones that will end these troubled times
as soon as possible and allow a prolonged period of calm.

In Jesus Name
Amen

Thanks and Praise

I survived my first day in my new store today. Actually it was pretty easy but tomorrow will be more of a challenge. I am flying solo with no mentor to turn to if it all goes a bit wrong. I think that maybe I will be ok as long as I don't get anything out of the ordinary. If I do I will just have to deal with with it.

I remember a quote I was once told, althoug I cant remember who said it right now. That quote was this;

'You chose you action because it seemed right at the time, in all likelyhood you would have never chosen any of the other options. Therefore it was the right thing to do, even if the outcome was not the right one.'

Father, please give me the foresight to choose the right path tomorrow
to be able to apply what I have learned and not to forget what I need
Please help me to be the best that I can be in what I do
And to remember true Chrsitian values as I conduct my business

Thankyou for how far I have come
in the few days that I have been learning this role
I feel so happy in this role and I hope that you want me to say here for a while.

In Jesus Name
Amen

Thankful For Surviving My First Challenge

I've survived my 4 days intensive training for work so thats a pretty good start.  I've learned a lot and probably forgotten twice as much.  However, I am truly thankful not only for the opportunity but for the guidance to make it this far.  Plymouth was not as bad as I had been lead to believe but was still a pretty rough place.  I survived unharmed, as did my car and for that I am thankful

Father, thank you for watching over me

I appreciate what you have done 

And the strength that you have given me 

to be the best that I can be over the last four days

As I face the challenge of standing on my own two feet

in my new role, please give me the wisdom to do what is right

And to be humble enough to ask for the help that I need, when I need it

I feel at home with the company and the job that you have guided me to, 

please give me the presence of mind and the strength not to mess this up

In Jesus Name

Amen

Open For Everyone

I dont really have a specific prayer for today so what I am going to ask is the for everyone reading this, please say a prayer for anyone you know who is suffering right not.  That could be through illness, loss or simply uncertainty.  Take the time to talk to God and he will hear you, for he is a loving God and wants you to talk to him.  If you ask and truly believe, the it will be given

And i will do whatever you ask in my name, So that my Son may bring glory to the Father.  You may ask me for anything in my name and I will do it.   (John 14:13-14)

Ask with a humble heart, say your words with faith in your heart and it will be given.  I can testify to that.  In the past I have asked for things that were not right to ask for, but because I asked with such passion and belief, that what I asked for was granted and it was left for me to realise that what I had asked for was not really mine to have or indeed right to ask for.  So I guess what I am saying is that prayer is more powerful than any of us really realise,   It is our direct line to God, and anything we ask in Jesus name is going to be listened to.  It is up to us to listen to the answer that is given.

The First Day At Work

Ok, this was my first day in a new job.  It was no where near as nerve racking as I was expecting.  Everyone was really friendly and I seemed to fit in really well.  Tomorrow will be a more strenuous day with a lot more to learn I think but so far so good.  I'm feeling a lot happier now that I'm working again - I actually earned some money today and it feels so good.  I feel truly blessed right now and I can totally appreciate how others must be feeling as they are in times of uncertainty.

Father, I thank you for my blessings that I have

And for bringing me this job.

Please guide and give strength to those that are looking for work 

or have just been made redundant

In these times of severe uncertainty

Please grant wisdom and insight to those 

who are trying to sort out the world economies

And please do not let them fail, for the sake of all of us

In Jesus Name

Amen

Tomrrow's a new begining

Tomorrow sees me starting my new job. It's all happened really quickly, only three days ago I was down in this deep pit of dispair with nowhere to go but down and out. I have GOd to thank for that. And now I am going on to embark on the new path that has been set out for me to follow. I've got to drive down to Plymouth tomorrow (about a 3 1/2 hour drive) and then spend 3 nights in a hotel. I'm looking forward to it actually, the four walls of my home have become something of a prison cell over the last two months and this will be like a mini break as well as training me for my new role.

God, as I embark on this new beginning
Please grant me the strength to succeed
The presence of mind to learn all that I need to learn
And to walk this path with you always in my heart
Please grant me a safe journey there and back
And keep me and my posessions safe in a strange city

Thank you so much for this blessing
Despite all my sins you have given me this
I love you so much
And I am trully thankful for this opportunity

In Jesus Name
Amen

A Prayer Answered?

I think that maybe yesterdays prayer has been answered, God willing. There is the prospect of paid employment on the horizon. Its not 100% certain so far but its very close now. I am so relived and so thankful. Literally just in the nick of time I am saved from the downfall that was before me.

Father, I am so thankful for the opportunity that you have put in front of me
I pray that this is your will and it will last
Give me the strength to approach this job and do my best
And to remember at all times that I should conduct business
According to your will

Dad sent me some photos of a cottage that burned down in his village the other night
Can I ask you to be with the owners of that property
And give them strength to come through what is before them.

In Jesus Name

Amen

In Jesus Name

Ok, this is my first post here, on my new prayer blog. I guess its true to say that, like so many other people, I've decided to to this in a time of need. The background to how I have come to here is not really important for the time being, just to sumarise as thatI am out of work, forced to resign from my previous job becuase someone bore a grudge against me. I have not had an income for over 2 months now and things are pretty dire. If I do not have a source of income by the end of the mont (2 weeks basically) the I will loose my house because I have no money for rent and I will ahve to satrt selling posessions simply to put food on the table.

I have applied for more jobs than I can count, attended interview for probably 10 or more by now and yet I am still un employed. The stress is getting to me and over the last few days I have found myself self harming as a way of comping with it.

Father, I believe that you would not place more on me than I can bear
Yet I now find myself at breaking point
You have shown me so many times in the past
That if I pray with sincerity in my heart
That prayer will be answered

But now I find myself praying for the most basic of things
A job to make a living
I want nothing flashy, nothing that earns me
More money than I need to live
But I am no closer to finding one

What is it that I am missing?
I am praying for this, yet I want your will as I am yours
What do I need to hear that is passing me by?
Please guide me to an answer
Please guide me to a job.

This I ask in Jesus name.
Amen