Crappy Christmas

So Christmas is over for another year, and Boxing day is soon to follow.  I have to say I'm pretty glad it's all over.  It wasn't a bad one, it wash;t exactly a good one either.  To be honest, I think I slept through more of it that I was away through.

That said, Church was OK and I go what I wanted from 'Santa'.  It would be nice if people stopped giving me alcohol for Christmas.  I feel a little bit tragic - is that all people can think of to give me?  Is that how they perceive my personality - an alcoholic?

Christmas down at Dads would have been fine if it wasn't for the other people there; Dad's partner's Daughter (who I refuse to dignify with the title of 'step-sister') and her little shit, spooled brad of a child.  Frankly I want nothing to do with them but sadly I am stuck with being under the same roof as them from time to time.  Anyway, it want great to be honest, poor company, the food wasn't great either.  Dad seems to have convinced himself that his partner can cook - by his standards she probably can - but someone needs to teach her how to cook vegetables!

Really, after all of this I am feeling a bit down and fed up.  It's one of those moments when I just feel like I want to withdraw away from everyone and drop back into my own little world.  I think that I would actually have been quite happy to spend Christmas on my own.  Cook my own dinner, my way and not have to deal with all the other tossers.

Going back to work tomorrow - at least that will keep me occupied and my mind off things.  Money is tight right now as well.  On face value I have a reasonable amount in my current account but I have a bucket load that I need to clear off the credit card as well, which more than cancels it out and will probably wipe out my bonus this month as well.

It's all a bit depressing really.  No one thing is that big but it all seems to come together into one larger mass of issues.

Into every life...

... a little rain must fall.

Ok, so on reflection, I've had a really decent run of good fortune earlier on in the year and I suppose the fact that now things are not going exactly to plan is really only compensation for that - after all, the universe needs to balance.  The Lord must share good and ill fortune upon people equally.

Anyway, my old macbook has come back yet again as the second person to buy it on ebay say it is faulty.  What he has described sounds like the fault that I claimed against Apple under EU law for but now that I have the machine back, I am damned if I can replicate it.  So I think I will just flog it to the local cash converters - the fault that they were moaning about, and that I had an issue with before was an intermittent fault based on certain components overheating and shutting down.  It's unlikely to do that when they test it and buy it off me, and after that it's their problem.  It's a bit unethical perhaps but I need the money and it's just going to be easier to do that and take a slight loss that it is to go through the grief of selling it on ebay and dealing with any faults that may come up again.

Other that that someone that I work with has been involved in a pretty sever car accident and they're going to be off for the foreseeable future.  They're ok - just.  The car was a hell of a mess from the pictures that they sent me.  Thank God, they are basically ok - a couple of cracked ribs and a ruptured knee, but they will recover.  I think that it was very close to being far more severe.  That said, their absence has put a major strain on at work.  Trying to deal with the busiest time of year with one full-time member of staff down is nothing short of a nightmare.  However, there's not much that can be done - it's not their fault that they're off and nature will take it's course, it's not a click-your-fingers type of healing process - it could be 4 weeks odd for cracked ribs.

So I am really tired right now.  I mean, I woke up this morning, after a decent night's sleep and felt like I was ready to go back to bed.  I'm back on the high caffeine energy drinks again too.  I just need something to get me through it all to Christmas day and Boxing Day.  I'm not quite running on empty but I'm getting close.

I managed to get down the gym tonight for a decent work out but I'm feeling knackered now.  I am going to try and get down there again on Friday after work too.  I need to keep this going in the run up to the Christmas Eve weigh in.  Only 3 pounds to go for 5 stone in a year.  Now is not the time for faint heart, for faint heart never won fair lady.

I don't have a fair lady in mind right now but it'll be a lot easier to find one if I am looking trim and fit for purpose.

That is all for now I think...

Another pointless rambling blog post...

So Christmas is getting closer; and with that, I should be feeling more empowered, stronger, full of the joys of the season.  It's not that I don't want to be, it's more like every effort I have is going into  my day job and not really leaving anything left over for my faith and for the season.

With that comment I guess that it's probably evident that work is not going according to plan.  that's an understatement.  Right now the business is haemorrhaging money compared with last year.  After a really storming November, this month has fallen by the way side and I'm looking at a pretty big step down against last year.

Right now I dont't know where this is going in the longer term.  Day to day, it's a struggle in the least.  Some how we need to catch up on last year as a minimum.  Then again, head office are forecasting a +20% growth on last year as well.  Following November's sales, the 20% was looking pretty achievable.  Now I am just looking to break even and not head backwards.  The economy is supposedly on the up and people have a higher level of finical optimism (allegedly) but I have to say that I am not sire that it is doing me any favours right now.

The stress of work is a big one, it isn't with me every hour, but it is there more than I would like.  there are little positives that seem to part the stress a little.  For example, we won a competition last weekend and the prize was for food to be paid for this Saturday for lunch - so I had a free pizza lunch.  That was pretty cool, and then there is next weekend - we have the Christmas meal to look forward to.  So there are some positives on the rounds as well.

It's one of these moments when being single totally sucks.   It's the the season...  It's the season alright.  But really, only if you are with someone that you care about.  There could be someone.  I wish there was someone...  But there isn't.  Not right now anyway.  We're coming down to the cut off zone.  Boxing day... - Or in this case, Christmas eve.  I'm not weighing in after the season of excess, I'll do it before, thank you!

So it's 3 lbs more to go for a nice round weight loss of 5 stone in a year.  Might just be do-able, it's going to be a close run thing.  It's not the 6 stone that I targeted for a year ago, and there is definitely more to go.  I think that I need to aim for 1.5 stone in the longer term and that may well be the goal for next year.  I promised myself that i would go into courtship dating in the next year, last year.  I really want to make that happen but I need to rationalise my feelings towards my body as it stands and maybe come to terms with where I have got to and how far I have come.

Terry and Mel have asked me to their new years party and naturally I am going to go - maybe I can find someone there?  I sure as hell don't want to spend another new years alone.

Much to think about, much stress and all of it taking me away from what should be the most amazing season of the year.

And so I pray;

Father, as so many things cause me to loose sight of what this time of year is really about,

Please help me to keep the real meaning of the season in my heart

So that it may come to the fore, ahead of everything else.

Please give me the strength to accept what I cannot change,

The strength to recognise what I can change

And the strength to fight to make the change happen.

As the time comes, please help me to remember the real meaning of Christmas 

And to share and install it in others.

In Jesus name

Amen

Every once in a while

Every so often you come across a time in your life when everything you touch turns to brown.  It seems to be my turn for some of that right now.  The Christmas temp that I have taken on turns out to be bloody pregnant so is feeling sick all the time, they can't work half the days that I wanted - or that they said they could when I interviewed them.  So that means ore work for everyone else - particularly me.

Then to add to it, the person that bought my mac on eBay turns out to be a complete numpty that doesn't know how to use it so I have not had to issue a blood refund and go through all the grief of delisting the damned thing.

Then just to put the icing on the cake, a machine at work yesterday came out of the box with a mark on the lid - a custom machine that that they'd been waiting for weeks for.  So i ended up dealing with all the stress between the customer and head office.  Frankly my stress level is off the scale and somehow I need to get rid of it before I have this bloody medical on Tuesday.  I really wish I could have a drink but I can't until after the medical.

I could do with a bit of a turn in fortune really.  It's about time that something went better for me.  It's one of those times that I wish I had a partner to support me.  Sometimes a cuddle  would just solve so many different problems.  I just feel so fed up right now, so many little things that are just niggling away at me.

I really need some blue skies ahead somewhere soon.

Jazz an all dat

Ok, so it's been however long and a day since I posted anything.  It's not that things haven't been happening - they certainly have.  As with pretty much every other pressure that I have to deal with, it's all about time.  How I choose to prioritise it and how I choose to use the little that I have.

Progress with the flat continues apace.  I have now redecorated the kitchen and it look a whole lot better.  The only project left on the to-do list is to put down laminate flooring in the kitchen.  It seems easier than I think it will actually be.  Obviously I can put down basic planks and join them together, what I think I may have more issue with is going to be things like cutting the planks to fit around the door frame with all it's intricacies.  I need to decide whether I am going to bite this one off and try to chew it or whether DIY might be better served as GSI!

In either case, that might have to wait a month or two... the macbook had to go in to be fixed the other day and what I thought would be a simple replacement of the airport card - a £50 part at the most, turned out to be a royally fucked logic board - basically I had cooked it.  Too many Logic sessions I guess, combined with the fact that nVidia managed to ship apple a shit batch of graphics card (again) that seem to overheat.  In either case, the logic board was declared as toast.  Typically the machine was just out of Applecare.

Apple customer service has totally changed, I can remember not that long ago that they would have offered me an exception to get it covered without any real fuss.  Like hell did that happen this time!  Basically I had to use the workshop to sue them under European law.  At which point the folded like a piece of paper. - So why not just raise an exception in the forst place and keep the good will?

Any how, my mac was repaired.  It works OK now but still seems to run on the hot side.  In either case, it is worth nothing to me if it goes wrong again, so I find myself parting company with a faithful friend that has been my shotgun for the last three years, been the platform upon which some of my post successful musical works have been started and served me so well.  I can only hope that they will find a good home... and a decent price so that I don't have to pay too much towards the upgrade!

It's obviously the time for various pieces of shit to hit the fan; The car has the rust issue with the widinscreen surround reappearing.  Looks like I will have to fork out for it to be looked at again in the spring - if I'm doing that, I want it sorted for good this time, rather than just patching it up - so that's a few hundred at least sometime into the new year.  Looks like I should have a little help towards it hout anyway, the dole-bludging benefits leech that life has landed upon the family as a step sister has had a hand out to fix her car, so fairness says that Dad will bankroll me the same.  I don't need it - I could cope on my own, but none the less it will be useful.

Then there are my long term finances - some good fortune and some less good fortune.  I was able to get some Royal Mail shares in the recent issue and that has made me a few quid, with the prospect of a reasonable future of dividends to come.  On the down side, my IFA is in the process of sorting out income protection for the mortgage, critical illness cover and a couple of other bits - all through Aviva.  It looks like they are quoting one price to get his recommendation and then trying to fuck me over on the premium.  The mortgage cover they added to the initial premium, without reason or explanation.  Now they are demanding a fucking medical for the critical illness cover.  I don't have the will for this right now, and as Christmas approaches I certainly don't have the time either.  Yet in the same breath, I think I do need to get something sorted out.  In either case, with a medical approaching, I need to go completely clean and sober from now until it is over, just to make sure that I get a genuine result.  So tonight was the last bottle of wine for the time being.  No more caffeine, taurine or the like.  Its going to be bland foods, no stimulants or depressants and so on.  Anything that might help lower the premiums.  Still feel like I'm being ripped off though.

I haven't seen a doctor for years, I haven't had a day off sick school, college, uni or work since 1991!  As far as I'm concerned it's corporate wank at it's worst.

Christmas seems to be here already at work.  The business is already picking up and the amount of money floating around is up.  We are doing more money than last year so far so that looks to be a good sign.  I've just taken on a new Christmas temp to help keep us above the water line.  So far so good, not that I've had the time that I want ot spend to help her get up to speed.

One little downer, turns out that she's just found out that she's pregnant.  Sucks a bit in terms of trying to brow beat head office into let me keep her on.  Also means that I have to just keep an eye out and make sure that she's alright.  It's strange how people that need looking in after in some way are guided to cross paths with those who hold a moral value to protect those who are within their care in some way.

Oh man, I'm tired - and we're nowhere near Christmas right now.  Lord knows how I'm going to find the strength to keep this going right now.  Still, I am off tomorrow and therefore I can have abot of a lie in and come up to speed at a leisurely pace.

Its been a long time

It's been a long time,
I shouldn't have left you,
Without a dub beat to step to.
When I grab the microphone you'd better hit the dex
Time's up - sorry I kept you.

It's been a long time,
Since I had ta,
Pick up the microphone and get badda.
Ain't no other MC on the AKG,
I flip the script like the rest don't matter.

The DJ cuts it up like a shaolin monk
Pumping the funk in your junk trunk punk
I flip it live cos I know where it's at
Pumping funk in the cracks,
Cutting wax with an axe.

I got rhymes real tight
Beats faster than light
Like a ton of TNT
I'm about to ignite
Cos I flip the script on this fuckin' debacle
Passin' the dutch like kids pass the parcel.


There you go, you can have that one for free!  Not sure it's worth any money anyway.

So anyhow,  it's been a while since I put anything on here.  Not to say that things haven't been going on - they have.  More to the point, there hasn't really been the time to put them on here anyway.

Work has been doing my head in.  It's the end of the internal financial year so there's been 2 stock takes in one month - well, the second one is tomorrow.  Other than that, there's a fair bit of stress going on over all this end of year shit as well.  Frankly I could do with out it, but it's part of the job.

Anyway, apart from the work stuff, which isn't exactly going badly - it's just a bit rough right now...  there are some positives as well.  Dad has put me in contact with his financial adviser and it looks like I should be able to get a few bits sorted out to grow a little bit of wealth and security for the longer term.  I have also decided that seeings as the government is going to privatise the Royal Mail, it seems like a good idea to buy a lump of shares as a longer term investment.

This is all seriously starting to sound like I am getting organised in some kind of way - and more scarily that I would appear to be showing signs of maturity and sensibility.  This just wont do.  I need to get back to being childish and irresponsible as soon as possible!

In all seriousness, things are good right now - and for that I am really thankful.  There's so much that has come to my, by the Lord's grace.  I can't help but feel there will be a darker period some time soon. Life seems to have these fiscal cycles - things go from good to bad and then back to good again.  This really feels like the peak of an up cycle.  Things are pretty much as I would have them, give or take a little bit.

The only thing that I really wish I could make progress with is the weight loss.  I have come a massive distance so far.  I have lost 4 stone, which is huge.  I am now stuck on a weight that I can't seem to move from.  I have to take a large degree of responsibility for this myself.  I have let my control on my eating and alcohol consumption loosen a little.  It's not bad, but it's not as tight as I know it could be.  That said, I am doing more down the gym that I have previously.  I am knocking off 600 calories as session before I even do any weights. And I have been able to manage 3 sessions a week over the last few weeks.  But still the weight sticks at this point.  I know I have lost weight and changed shape, it just doesn't seem real.  I don't really feel it or see it in myself the way that I guess others do.  To me I feel just as fat as I did before in so many ways.  I can totally see how people can get caught up in thinking that they are always overweight when they are not.

Who knows, somehow I guess I will have to revisit my motivation and see if I can regroup to make progress.  After all, there must be progress to be made.

Quick post from work.

Ok, I'm on lunch right now- at 3:30pm. Not really feeling too great right now. Don't really know why but I'm feeling a bit low. I am ridiculously tired, I keep waking up with lower back pain in the middle of the night so I haven't managed more than a few hours sleep per night for ages. I'm also feeling a bit lonely. This is one of those moments when I just want to have a girl to cuddle up to and to be somewhere warm and safe. 

It's not that things are bad right now, on the whole things are good. It's normally when times are tough that this sort of feeling takes hold of me but this time it seems to have come from nowhere. 

It's moments like this when I almost feel like rushing my plans for finding a partner and jumping into online dating now, for the sale of not being alone.   I know that's the wrong thing to do. In not ready physically and emotionally I still keep thinking about H. - which irritates me. I could well do without feeling like that but there we go, what is inside me cannot easily be removed.  Time will mend, I an sure. God willing. 

I also need to sort out my head in respect to the sort if person I am looking for. I work with the public every day, so you can't really help 'window shopping' in the quiet periods. The people I find myself drawn to physically are all a but on the young side for what I am looking for. I am 34 yet the average age for the people that I am finds g myself attracted to is probably 23-25. Mentally that's where I think I am, age wise. But none the less, 10 years odd is a hell of a gap and people tend to judge that sort of thing. But there were 10 years between mum and dad - in the other direction mind you. 

And does it mean that I would be taking advantage if I approached someone 10 years younger than me?  I guess they can (and probably will) say no if they want to.  But I would still feel like a dirty old man for making the first move if there was that kind of age gap. If they asked, that is different because they have decided that they are ok with it.  And worse still, what if I make a love on some one and they turn out to be 18-19 or something? That wound just be wrong. 

But I do want some one younger than me. By 34 most women either have children or don't want children.  I DO want kids but I'd rather not be bringing up someone else's. I would if I had to, but it wouldn't be my first choice.  Also, by 34 a lot of women are 'pipe and slippers' or 'frumpy housewife'. I want someone who will come out on long country walks, share some of my other active interests. 

I guess it would be possible with someone my own age but more likely with someone younger. I just don't want to be single any more. 

A smallNyA period of time can make a big difference.

OK, so the house purchase is all complete and I am now the lord in my own manner (so to speak).  In the process of leaving my old bank (HSBC) they managed to damage my credit record and use my details without my consent - breaching the Data Protection Act.  They have offered to settle out of court for an amount that pleases me so that is now all tied up and I have finally cancelled my accounts with them and closed that chapter.

So despite the stress of the past few weeks everything has pretty much come back on track so far.  Now the biggest worry that I have is that my decision to paint the bathroom olive green looks like a big mistake.  It was originally sage green and I think that I'll have to stick with that - I just don't like it very much!

On the work front, I had a 7 dayer last week and I've got another next week - that means cash money pounds of overtime.  Probably just as well as it looks like I might not be getting much of a bonus next month.  If you cant get a bonus, get some overtime!  They can't take the overtime away even if the work fucks up on the other aspects.  Overtime is always a safe bet!

Anyway, the project to renovate the bathroom and kitchen in my new place carries on.  Ive re-grouted the bathroom, replaced the shower, replaced the silicone sealant around the bath and sink and repainted all the whitework.  There's still the walls to do - when I can decide a colour - and then its on to the kitchen.

I've already made a start in there too - but mostly with the little bits.  Seeing as I had a tube of silicone open it seemed sensible to do the silicone round the kitchen sink before the tube went off, so that's been done.  The grout on the tiles was fine but a little discoloured so I have freshened that up with some grout reviver and it looks like new.  I've also replaced the shitty carpet remnant that passed for a floor mat in front of the cooker with something a little nicer looking.

I did have a clock lined up to replace the nasty piece of crap that's on the wall right now but the courier has smashed it up - thanks My Hermes...  nicely done!  What did you do to it?  From the looks of the box (and the footprint on it) someone stood on it!  Nice, thanks for that.  Never mind the 'fragile' labels all over it, just tread on it - it'll be alright, some sucker will sign for it anyway...  Doesn't matter really, I'm getting refunded from the seller - the only irritation is that it was an ebay purchase, used.  There's nothing else like it on ebay right now and no way of getting another one.  So the search continues.

Right now the UK is being hit by a massive heatwave - 30+ degrees a day.  For anyone overseas, you may be used to hotter, but here in the UK that's pretty unusual.  The heat is nice, I like it but it is having a detrimental effect on my plants on my balcony, they're looking pretty sick - and in some cases they've been toasted to a frazzle!  Going down the gym is a nightmare as they don't seem to have heard about air-con.  If it's 30 outside, its 40 in there!  How are you meant to work out in that?!  Weights, fine - just about.  But cardio work - in 40 degree heat.  How about NO?!  So the only thing I can do is try to keep control of my eating and compensate for the fact that I am not working out as often as I want to.  I am still managing 2x a week but my eating is slipping a bit.  More precisely, my drinking has crept up again.  The weight loss is still continuing to a degree but I am sure it is not as efficient as it could be.  I need to revisit and regroup.

But right now, I need to give thanks and praise.  Thanks to my family, who have carried me through from down here on earth.  Thanks to God, who has moved mountains and guided me from on high.  Somehow the seas have parted and I have found my way safely to the other side.

Praise be to the Lord

So close now...

Tomorrow is D-day, Tuesday 9th July.  It is the day that I am due to exchange contracts and I will actually own the flat that I am moving into.  After so many set backs along the way, I can't help but feel that I have been guided through all the perils by a higher force.  It really does feel like divine intervention.  Some how I feel like a path has been cleared for me to navigate.

I can't really say that I ever used to dream about owning somewhere - it wasn't really that high on my list of priorities.  But now it seems to have an importance of it's own.  If I am looking at finding someone to settle down with, it gives me a degree of stability, somewhere that is a little bit more stable and secure.

So somehow I have ended up here.  So much has tried to come in the way and to be fair, I am not across the line yet - although unlikely, it could all go wrong tomorrow and exchange may not happen. I can;t see any way that would happen - we are there in all but signature, but none the less, I will not be counting my chickens until it is all finished.

Work wise, there's a whole load of crap loitering in the background.  So as soon as I get one monkey off my back, there's another one just waiting to climb on.  Everything from staffing to bonuses and all that lies in-between.  I think that my stress level will probably rise whilst I'm dealing with this all.  I'm not even really going to get much time away from it as I have 2 days off in the next 3 and half weeks.  The cash will be very welcome, especially as I think I can forget about a bonus for the next couple of months.

Aside from that, the person that I have feelings for has moved into a circle that does not really overlap my life at all.  I haven't really had time for it to hit me day-to-day, work just feels a bit empty without them there.  I find myself thinking about them in the quiet moments, what they are doing... I swear that I could smell their perfume in the office the other day.  I'm sure that can't have been the case, purely psychosomatic.

I don't know quite how it's going to go down over the next few weeks, I'd kinda like to press fast forward and just get to the other side.  I guess I'll just have to wait and see, and deal with whatever comes along.

The diary of a broken man.

Sounds melodramatic, probably is melodramatic.  But it's also how I feel right now.  Over the last week  I've had so much to deal with, I think it has reached the point where I really cannot cope with it any more.  Work was broken into in the small hours on Monday morning.  The window was smashed through and most of the display stock was taken.  So I was called out and on site from about 3:30am.  SO no sleep then.  Also the house purchase has simply gone from disaster to disaster.  Firstly the place was undervalued and I had to sort that out - That nearly sent me over the edge.  Trying to sort financials with Dad is never an easy thing to do, he always tries to overcomplicate things and we usually end up coming to a disagreement.  Anyway, that was sorted eventually, and I put in a challenge on the given value, just in case it could gain back any ground.  Then there was the break in at work.

So I wasn't really sleeping well before the break in, didn't get any sleep the night of the breaking and haven't really been able to sleep since.  So, today when I popped into the bank to see if there had been any response from the valuer, I get hit with the next load of shit, flying fresh from the fan...

HSBC, my old bank that I am in the process of leaving, have put in a credit check on me for a mortgage quotation and an in-principle decision - without my knowledge or authorisation.  That has screwed up my credit score so that the bank are no longer able to approve me for the mortgage that I need.  SO the shit hits the fan once again.  I have spent the day trying to get HSBC to sort out their mess, but the truth is that I fear the damage has already been done, top the extent that any repair will not be complete in time for the mortgage application to be processed, and it may not restore all of the damage that has been done.  I fully intend to take HSBC to court for breach of the data protection act but right now that will not aid this cause, so that can wait.

It looks like the only way out of this may be for Dad to go 'guarantor' on the mortgage application, and that might just get it through.  Problem is that he is in his 60's - the mortgage is for 35 years, there's no way that they will accept him as being able to cover the whole period (or at least, that's how it seems to me anyway).

So here I am, I think I about to need to find somewhere else to live, at about 2 weeks notice.  I really don't see that as being do-able so it could well be a case of putting everything into storage (and I can't take any time off work to do that) and then dossing down in a b&b until I can get somewhere sorted out.

Jesus this is such a mess.  I actually feel mentally outside of myself at the moment.  I cannot remember things that happened a few hours ago in some cases.  I know they happened but cannot recall any detail.  I don't feel like I'm me right now, I feel like I'm someone on the outside, watching me and my life.

The Bible tells with confidence in many places that the Lord will not place more burden on a man than he can carry - well, Lord - this is getting pretty close.  I cannot carry this for much longer,  PLEASE let something actually go in my favour for once in this matter.  This is quite literally my world right now.  I am committed to making it happen - I need your help in making it so.

I am truly thankful for those around me who are trying their best to get these obstacles from the Devil out of my path, but I REALLY need your hand to clear the way right now, and maybe just to give me a little strength back.

Lord, have mercy.
Lord, I need your help.
In Jesus Name

Amen.

The eyes have it

This should be one of the good days - but somehow it just isn't.

The person I have feelings for gave me something so special today, it proves they really get who I am (but they think of it just as a friendship).  It's not something I asked for, it's not something I wanted, but instantly it has become the most sentimentally valuable thing that I own.  Not because they gave it to me (although that sure helps) but because, without any hint or prompt, they gave me something that hits me on such a personal level that it feels like it was just meant to be.

I now feel really like shit that I feel the way that I do - yet it makes me feel that way even more.  It's so unlikely that I would ever find someone who gets me on such a level, the fact that they are out of reach means that I am now looking for a second person who meets that criteria - like that's ever going to happen.

The team at work made a bit of a fuss about my birthday - lead mostly by this person I suspect.  I didm;t really want it, and it hasn't changed my opinion of birthdays, but I have to admit it was quite nice, and I feel quite flattered that people have any kind of regard for me.

Truth is, I find it hard to cope with people placing any kind of value on me when I don't place that kind of value on myself.

I know what I really wanted for my birthday - or rather  who I wanted for my birthday.  Man it cuts me up inside, the dichotomy between what i cannot have and what need on an emotional level.  In so many ways I do not want to feel like I do for the person that I feel for - it just can't be on so many levels and in so many ways.  yet I have an inbuilt need to find someone and this one person ticks every single box without even trying.  I just don't know any more.  I know what I want, what I find attractive and what I need to make me feel as a person.

So this one person, so beautiful in every way, so perfect in the aspects that talk so directly to me.  I have always has a weakness for eyes.  there's just something about them, you can tell so much about someone,  If someone is dead inside, they show it.  If someone is not what they appear to be, the eyes will let you know.  This person has the most amazing eyes.  I could drown in them without wanting to escape.  I could gaze into them forever and never feel board.  And then theres the personality.  Sometimes you just find someone that you want to hug and never let go, someone who you would drop everything for, take a bullet for.  The kind of person that makes you want to be a better person inside.  The kind of person that makes you want to protect them, honour them and do anything you can to help them have a better life.

And to counter that, theres the who thing that, despite my feelings, they do not feel the same and it can never be.  So the chances of feeling like this about someone else are getting increasingly small.  I have to be honest and think back - I don;t think I ever felt this strongly about 'G' even - and here we are now...

Messed up and such a mess.  Despite the fact that it seems that I cannot have what I want, it doesn't stop me wanting it.

End of the line - all change please.

So I haven't updated on here for a while - it's not that things haven't been happening, quite the contrary.  Everything has been happening so fast that, frankly, finding the time to put any of it down here has been the last thing on my mind.

Ok - SitRep.  Since last entry I have been given notice that I have to leave my apartment as the owner is selling.  If these selling, I'm buying!  Pretty short notice as I only had 2 months notice to leave.  However, 2 weeks in and I have completed my mortgage application (and been accepted, pending surveyors report on the place), put in an offer for the place that has been accepted by the seller and gor the solicitors on board to do all the searches.

My stress level has been off the scale frankly but it will be worth it in the long run.  I won't be paying money each month to line someone else's pocket - I'll be paying it to own more and more of my own place.  Other than that, Ive had a dose of food poisoning and spent a few days shitting my arse out and feeling like crap - whilst still having to deal with work etc and if that wan't enough tomorrow is my 34th birthday - which frankly I couldn't give a flying fuck about.  I have never been one to make a big fuss over birthdays (probably just as well as the only person who ever bothers to send me a card is Dad)  I've never been a big one for birthdays, I hate them.  Why would I want to celebrate the fact that another biological year has passed?  My body is a year older and I don't feel it.  So my mental position and my physical being have got even further apart.

I have a feeling that a big deal of it is going to be made at work tomorrow - I'm just planning to smile, say thank you if and when needed and hope that it will all go away as quickly as possible.  Especially as the one thing that I REALY want for my birthday is absolutely not likely to happen.  I say 'one thing' - that's kind of misleading, perhaps that should be 'one person'!  I think I would probably be speechless with excitement if I were to come in to work tomorrow to find them all wrapped up for me!! - especially as they are A grade 'D' material, and I;d be totally up for that!

Any way, that isn't going to happen so I'll have to deal with whatever is going to go down.  Then get the hell out of there at the end of the day.

Truth is, it feels really depressing to be back here, no further forward at 34 than I was at 24.  Different person, still being held to ransom by my feelings and dreams that don't seem as if they are ever going to come true - and can't come true.

Its fucked up - Im fucked up, damaged goods.  ANd for that reason, even if it could happen, whilst I would be so happy with them, I do not believe that they (or anyone) could ever be happy with me.

I am a product of my childhood.  Of the bullying, the beatings, the abuse - mental, physical and sexual - and all that is left is some fuck up shell of a person who dreams of love, falls in love at a distance and cannot do anything to earn love in return.  Most days it is fine (ish) but some days, like tonight, it hurst. It hurts so badly.  I do not want to be alone any more.  I want love.  I need love, but I cannot earn love.

The one person who I thought truly loved me in a relationship sense didn't really.  The people that I fall for could never love me back and thus goes the cycle.

So I don't celebrate the years ticking by on this shell of a man, stick at twenty something in a mental age, because that's where it all came off the rails - and somehow I feel like by staying at that mental age, I can try to get it back on the rails again.  But in reality, I find myself falling for people who are at that point in their life that matches with my mental state,  meaning that I end up falling for people who are substantially younger than I am - to put it bluntly, totally legal, but highly immoral.  Yet if I fall for someone my own biological age, they are unlikely to be able to give me what I want - to pick up and go forward.

God I am so messed up...

WWJD?

Seriously though, what would Jesus do?

We (Christians) use this question as a point to spark positive thought in line with out beliefs and as a way of deciding to avoid what is wrong and sinful.  But do we ever really stop and think what Jesus would really do?

I men, lets take a real hot potato right now - the position of Women Priests within the Church.  Now - I want to make my position clear right from the start, I am all in favour of women priests - provided it is Gods will (and there's no reason why it wouldn't be).  BUT, those who are against cite passages from the Bible as their evidence for their view.  So what if that is the case for real?  There are some pretty obvious examples of women not being chosen in the Bible.  That is mostly because of the social climate at the time I suspect.  The thing is though, would Jesus move with the times and accept this in a modern climate?  Or are the rules set down then still a requirement today?

And what about other areas that are contentious?  Homosexuality for example.  We seek to embrace and treat our neighbours as ourselves, we accept and minister to others in Jesus name, in the belief that He would welcome all those who turn to him.  But what if we are wrong?  What would Jesus do?  Would he embrace and now decide something that was once a sin, is now acceptable?  In that case, where does it leave other instances of God's law, such as not having sex without marriage?  All this is the word of the Lord, I cannot imagine that it is 'negotiable'.

So where does that leave me (and every other Christian?)  I want to love my life by Gods rules to the best of my ability, I am not one to discriminate against people, and I don't accept people that do - but in both a literal interpretation and a historical interpretation of Christianity, these things are quite prominent.

It's so easy to 'update' theological beliefs to fit with the modern acceptances of society, but are we simply trying to turn a blind eye to a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah or are we justified?

When my time comes and I am called home, will I stand judgement to be told "You did not follow my rules, you followed your own interpretation of them."?  Would I be told "You discriminated against others when you should have followed the spirit of my will"?

Jesus accepted all who came to him, but they had to repent of their sins and take up their cross.  Is our sin loosening the rules to match our society when we should be using the rules to build our society?  Or   is our sin refusing to adapt the rules in the spirit of God's love, when we could engage a much wider range of society?

So it isn't easy, we Just don't know what Jesus would do.  We know what he did and what he taught them.  We know both the word of the Law but also the spirit in which it was written and it seems to me that sometimes they can give different interpretations.  The truth is that no-one knows.  And it is so easy to use the claim of WWJD to justify what we want to do, not what God would have us do.

I want to do God's will and I don't want to discriminate against people.  I am sure God would not want that either - Jesus taught we should love our neighbours as ourselves, but what if there is a line between loving our neighbour, who may fall into one or more of the areas that I have mentioned, and allowing them to become part of the Church.

I cannot honestly believe that God would turn away anyone who came to him through Jesus, but it is so easy to side step the challenge to sin and seek acceptance without change.

Its just so difficult to not have second thoughts about where the line is between that which can be interpreted and adapted and that which is set in stone.

Getting all emotional again

Sunday was an amazing day for me - I  became a Godfather for the first time, to my best friend's youngest.  To some people I guess that it isn't a big deal but to me it's really important.  One thing that I think I am realising is that I am actually now as ready as I will ever be for children of my own.  Only thing is, the person that I can't help but think about having them with.

I need to get my head straight.  To say that I am feeling broody is an understatement but its the rest of it that seems so hard.  My heart is giving me  away again.  As much as my God daughter is important to me in a way that no-one else is, I want a family of my own and the person that I have feelings for is pretty much everything that I would ever want the mother of my child to be.

But I really can't be thinking like this anymore.  No matter how much  have prayed for it - and Lord knows, I have prayed enough - it doesn't seem like it is in His plan.  And the person that I want seems to be happy with who they are with.  I would't want them to be unhappy either.  So what I am left with is the basic option that has been in front of me all this time.  Get myself fit and in good shape so that I have confidence and deserve what I am asking for, and then look for someone that might actually be available.

So I guess that, really, not much has changed, other than I am now really broody to add to the confusion in my head.

What I need to do is take some of this confusion and turn it against myself.  I feel like crying right now - and I don't really know what for, or what about.  It just seems like a well of emotions that need to be let out some how.   I need to take that and turn it towards myself.  I can see the signs of what in the past could trigger a binge eating session, a sort of urge to self harm though food.  I need / want to take that urge and turn it back on myself in the sense that the power of that urge is put into not eating and the self destructive notion becomes exercise at the gym.

All I really want right now is someone to cuddle up to and have them tell me that they care about me.  I guess I am just feeling a little bit vulnerable and a bit lonely right now.

Feeling a little empty

I have to say that I am feeling a little empty right now.  There's a sense of lethargy that I haven't felt for a while.  I only managed 45 minutes down the gym tonight for the sake of feeling tired and lethargic.  And now Im home, putting down these words when I really ought to be doing some paperwork for work.  What I really want is to leave all this behind and just get to an emotionally even keel.

I feeling pretty fed up with waiting at the moment - patience has never been one of my strong points, especially with things that seem to really plod.  I just want to fast forward through time, I guess about 6 months or so would do it.  Past the point where I have to cope with a certain someone going out of my life, to the point in time when I have lost enough weight not to be classed as 'fat' any more.  I have been slowly chugging away at the weight loss thing and can now proudly say that I have managed to loose 2 stone since Boxing Day.  Most weeks I am still managing the two pounds but it just feels so slow.  I cant really see / feel that much of a change most of the time.  Occasionally something comes along that makes me realise that I have lost weight and can now do something that I could not before, or I can fit into clothes that haven't fitted me for a while.  If I can keep this up then I should be at or near my target weight in another 6 months, and the maybe I will be confident enough to actually meet someone and do something about what I really want out of life - a wife and family.

At the moment though I am still fat.  Despite the progress, and the positivity that I try to gain from that, I just want to get rid of it all now.  I don't have a problem with people being whatever size they are - as long as they are happy.

I used to pretend I was happy with my size until I was enlightened and came to see that I was self harming and binge eating.  Now I am most definitely not happy with my size - it is a constant reminder of the abuse that sparked the cycle of harm and the years that I proliferated it.  I hate what I see around the person that is inside.  I don't hate myself, I hate the layer of fat that stops the person inside me from being free.

I don't want to be ungrateful, there are many people who are really struggling to loose weight and so far it hasn't been as hard a challenge as perhaps it might be (and may yet become).  I don't want to play down what I have achieved.

The only way I can describe it is that it is like Christmas, when you know what you will get because you asked for it long in advance.  You build up to that big moment when you get what you want but you just want time to rush by quicker.  It doesn't mean that you don't appreciate the anticipation, you just wish time would go by quicker to get to the end reward.

One day I WILL be a normal weight, one day I WILL accept that I deserve to be loved as a person, one day I WILL have the confidence in my own appearance and my own worthiness to do something about finding a long term relationship.

God Willing.

The rambled rantings of a madman

Ok, so my reality cheque just bounced....

Seriously though,  the one I have feelings for is away on holiday for then next week.  They've only been gone a day - heck- I even saw them briefly this morning, and I feel  a sense of loss.  I;m sure that this early on, most of it is psychosomatic and has very little foundation in reality.  But the truth is this.  Regardless of how I feel about them, they brighten my day like no other.  They put a smile on my face at times when I have no right to be happy.  They make me want to be a better person, they make me want to love them.

So its only a week - that's what I;m telling myself.  On the assumption that nothing happens - and to be fair, why would it? - how am I going to cope when they go off to uni?  I guess the answer is that it will cut me up for a fair while, but I will find a way of numbing it.

I think I have pretty much reached a stage of reckoning that I would rather keep them as a friend than loose them altogether - so when they go to uni, I would want to keep in touch.  But all of this is so one sided.  Look back as far as you like on here and it is all "I want", "I pray" this, that and the other.  Although it is forever on my mind, not once have I stopped on here to really vocalise a care about what they want, how they are feeling.

And beside all this there is 14 years...  OMFG, 14 YEARS!  that is just SO wrong when you put it like that.  But numbers are one thing and personal connection is another.  but still - that makes me feel so dirty for even allowing my mind to go there.  I mean, 3 years nab,  3 years and someone that I have feelings for as a person would be under age.  Shit, I'm no sicko.  I cant cope with it like that.  I just take the person at face value and there we have it.  But is that the same kind of twisted rationale that makes these 'people' think the way that they do?

Oh, mon Jesu, this makes no sense.
thoughts, feelings, emotions
I've almost forgotten what a clear head is.
First the hurt of the past,
Now the feelings I have in the present
Dare I ask about the future?!
I know what I want, but I question if it is right.
I know how I feel, but  do I have a right to feel like that?
you can see my inner most thoughts and feelings
I canot hide from you
Please make this right, either cleanse me of these thoughts
or bring this feeling to fruition.

In Jesus name

Easter Sunday

First off, Happy Easter one and all.  Never forget what today is really about.Never forget what you are celebrating and what it really means for you.

So I spent today relaxing and celebrating what is important to me - being thankful for what I have.  I went to church this morning but to a new church, somewhere I have never been before.  But I was there with friends and among some of the most welcoming people I could ask for.  I think  I know a bit more about the kind of church where I will fit in now.

Equally I know a bit more about what is going on in my heart.  It's true, it's unconditional and frankly it is probably going to come to nothing.  Friendship is the most important thing, and then maybe something else might come, but friendship is the law.

So after church I went for a bike run.  I haven't been on the motorbike in a while and it felt good, if a little cold.  Spring is definitely starting to poke through, despite the cold.  There were daffodils flowering in the banks and the sun was warm through the jacket.  The air was cold enough though and by the end of the run my knees were frozen through and I did a fair amount of the 'John Wayne' when I got off at the end of the run.  Despite the cold it felt so free, I felt so free.  To be on an open road with the sun on my back and the cold, crisp wind in my face.  So this is what it feels like to be free.

So, church then this - I ended up feeling the freedom and the love for the world that a free man can only feel.  Truth is though, it means nothing on my own.  And I don't want to be on my own, I want to be with someone I love - with someone who loves me.  I have found the person that I think maybe I could love, but they seem to notice me only in passing at best.

All I know is that I would give anything I have, go anywhere, do anything to be with this one person.  To stand before the Lord as a couple, to do His will and spread His word.  Together we could be strong, for each other and for His glory.

I pray for this so much and ask His will and His blessing.

Lord, I am not worthy to ask such a question of you,
To pray for a change in your will to suit my own feelings.
Yet I ask none the less, coming to you through the risen Lord, Jesus Christ,
Through your grace and power, may my dreams and intentions
Become your will. That I can share life and love with the one,
I hold before you in my heart.

In Jesus name amen.

SNAFU

Its starting to get to the time of year when Lent is nearly over and Easter Sunday is nearly upon us.  Over the time of lent so far, I have to admit that my faith has been on a bit of a roller coaster ride as to how much time I have taken to nurture it.

Ive got to be honest - my feelings are still in a mess at the moment, and I ended up pouring my heart out at work today to the person that I have all these feeling for.  That really doesn't help matters much.  I don't know if I ended up giving the game away - I din't mean to but then I was just drawn like a moth to the flame.  How close can I hint without actually stating it - and will the hints be picked up?  I don't mean it as a game - I don't mean any harm with it but its like I am drawn in.  Despite I fear that I know what the outcome will be, I just can't help myself.  A million to one chance is better than no chance - and yet i am risking a good friendship that may grow even stronger over time.

I hate myself, I hate this situation, I hate how I am handling it.  Most of all I hate the fact that I cannot have what I want, be the one to give her everything that she needs.  Get rid of what passes as a partner at the moment and get a real man, one who is caring and sensitive as well as strong and supportive.

I just feel like I want to cry.  Weak and pathetic I know but there we are.  I have found someone who I have feelings for based on who they are and their personality - I also happen to think they are physically about as perfect as it is possible to get and they are out of my reach for so many reasons.

This.  Sucks.

Feeling a bit down.

Hmm, today has not been the best of days.  I had to book my iMac in at the genius bar for it to be fixed, my plans for this afternoon did not come to fruition and now just to rub my nose in it, I've just seen something on Facebook that really rubs my nose in it.  the Facebook thing wasn't deliberate, of that Im sure, but either way it just royally sucks and makes me feel really fed up.

I would go as far as to say that I even feel a little bit depressed right now.  When you want something so bad that its all you focus on it just seems to override everything else.  I  might be fighting the fat off at the gym but mentally I am not fit right now.  I feel like crying, but I'm not sure why.  This feeling is strange to me in a way - but I've been here before.  This feeling of deflation is somehow familiar.  What I really want is to just be wrapped up in the arms of someone I love - someone who loves me.  What I feel like I'm missing right now is the comfort of the human touch.

It makes me feel weak to say it, it even sounds weak reading it back - but I feel weak right now.  The room is warm, but I feel cold.  I am rested after a day off work, yet I feel tired.  I have much that i should be thankful for, yet right now all I feel is a sense of loss.

Its all screwed up - I'm all screwed up.  What I really want and need is my emotions to be sorted out and to meet someone who can reciprocate if I develop feelings - or for the person I have feelings for to develop feelings for me too.  But I cant see either of these options happening right now.

So why has today had this effect on me?  I thought I had left this sort of feeling behind.  I guess it is because I care, because I have emotions rather than just turning them off.  I suppose on a more selfish level, one could argue that it's because I didn't get what I wanted on various things.  But it isn't that.  Its something else on a much deeper level.

The difference is that, in the past, this would frequently become the start of another destructive cycle that would have ended up with eating and drinking to a point of harm.  The fact that I can identify this and head it off (or at least I hope I can head it off, I am strong at the moment at any rate) should mean that I have made progress.

I think I will just have an early night, in the hope that the new day will bring renewed motivation.

God Willing...

Ok,  there's a bit going on right now and I'm not sure where to start.  On the mundane side of things, I'm going to have to relinquish my iMac for a few days - it's gradually been developing data integrity issues and it's reached the stage where I can't cope with the unreliability anymore.  So I have a genius bar appointment for tomorrow and hopefully I can get it sorted out.  I personally thing that it is a problem with the ssd or hdd not being able to record data accurately but we will see in due course.

On the other hand, tomorrow could be an amazing day for other reasons.  An off the cuff remark could turn into something that I would really like.  A comment to H could result in spending some time together.  I know that I am only kidding myself in the long run - there couldn't possibly be any way that she thinks of me the way that I think of her?  Or so I keep telling myself.

I just can't help but think that her current bf does nothing for her, doesn't treat her the way that she deserves - I don't think that he exactly does wrong by her - but he doesn't do right either.  I just wish it were me in that situation - that I could do what I feel inside and make her feel like she was the most important person in the world.  It's not about physical gratuity, it's about emotional closeness and shared feelings.

Anyway, it's not going to happen.  I have to be realistic about this.  As much as I desperately want it and have prayed for it as much as I feel I dare, it just does not seem like I deserve it, or could dare even dream of it.  All I know is that whenever I see her, I think I feel love.  Whenever she stumbles, I feel like I want to catch her.  Like I could wrap her in my arms and protect her from the slings and arrows of the world, giving her the strength to be all that she could ever dream of being, accepting everything about her, exactly as it is - without ever wanting to change a single thing.  Is that love?  It certainly feels like it.  I thought I was in love before, and it was a little like this - but not really like this.  Before there were always conditions, fears and insecurities.  A feeling that I had to shape an censor who I was in order not to show a side that I feared would be less attractive.  I don't feel that now.  I can just be.

I don't know if that is a good or bad thing really. I mean, if I was looking at myself from a woman's point of view - ok, difficult I know - but what would I see?  and how would I perceive it?  what about me is more attractive or less attractive?  I have all these personality traits and characteristics that I intrinsically accept as being 'me'.  How would someone that I wanted to attract see each of these?  That is a difficult one to answer.  I guess that it varies from person to person.

Something that sprang to mind today - something so little in reality yet when you are tuned in to someone it can seem like a flashing beacon.  At work we were briefly mentioning childhood and the conversation passed over whether childhood days were happy or not.  (Mine obviously not but I glossed that over for the sake of other company...)  The response from H was understated that her childhood days were not happy - not unsurprising in a way, I get the feeling that, like me, she was different from others as a child, more open, emotional, caring and non-conformist - all the things I love -  yet there was something so small in the background there.  So tiny as to be imperceptible to many people - indeed my colleagues did not flinch a muscle as it passed them by.  Yet something hit me at that moment.  A near uncontrollable urge to put my arms around her and just ask "what was it?", "who hurt you?" and more to the point "I will never let anyone hurt you again".  There was just something there.  It just hit me at a level of connection that was above word or communication visible to others.

It sounds really freaky to say this, but I think I have found someone that I would give my all to protect from the evil that the world could throw at them, and underneath all of this is the knowledge that they are with someone else so it cannot be.  Even if they were not, there is the age gap, so maybe it should not be, and above all else, my feelings are clear yet they only look on me as perhaps a friend if I am lucky.  To even dream and pray for more feels like such and abuse of trust and an abuse of my relationship with the Lord.

Yet here I am praying that he will be willing to bring the two of us together - someone who I could be happy with, and someone who I could make happy.  If only it were that simple.  If it were it might just happen.  But it is not that simple, and here I am praying...

A prayer for H and her family

I'm not going to spend very long on here right now, I just want to take the time to offer up a prayer for a dear friend of mine and her family who are going through a tough time right now.  Bereavement is never an easy thing to cope with, least of all when it is a close family member.  Today was the funeral.  I know how it feels to loose a close family member all too well.  I have lost more of mine than there are left living.  It's such a devastating experience.  I can imagine a bit about how they are feeling and I wish I could carry the burden for them.

     Lord, I hold before you H and her family.
     Please provide to them the comfort and strength to deal with what is upon them
     Grant that they might find strength in each other and those around them.
     Help them find the strength of faith to come to you in their time of need.
     Please grant them safe passage through this dark time and lead them to a brighter day.
     This I ask in Jesus name.

AMEN

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" - Matthew 5:4 (NIV)

His, Thy Moll

OK, so I should probably be asleep right now.  Truth is I can't.  So much stuff running through my head, so many thoughts that I wish I didn't have.

So, I'm probably going to blow my whole plausible deniability thing right now with this - TBH, if the right person reads this, they're going to know anyway.  Chances are that they don't read this - and I'll risk it for a biscuit (as they're off biscuits for lent!).

SO anyway - I was talking to the person that I have feelings for today - and they were talking bout their partner.  The more I hear, the more I realise that they have no sense of romance - I mean, they've been together for 2 years and nothing doing.  None of those little surprises, none of those hopelessly overblown romantic gestures...  I just felt like screaming out:

"Loose this guy, I'll treat you like you deserve, I'll make everyday the best you've ever had, I'll make you feel like no one else has ever done, or ever could"

I cant't say that as much as I wanted to, I can't act on what I feel.  There's just so much frustration, I mean - the age thing is still telling me it's wrong - they're only 19 (nearly 20) but thats just a huge gap and can't be healthy.

I try to justify it to myself in my weaker moments, I mean, I'm not really mentally my really age - I'm still very young on the inside (and I look pretty reasonable for my age on the outside) and they're far more mature than their years - so at face value, and in reality - I think we click on a personal level.  But the rest is just wrong.  A few more years and they could (just about) be my daughter - and that just makes it wrong.  But why do I feel like I do?

I don't know anymore, what I want, what's right, what's Gods' will?  It all seems to blur from one space to another.

I was away for work for a couple of days this week.  I though maybe a chance to clear my head, get some perspective on things.  And sure, great - when I was busy, my mind focussed on the task at hand - and when I wasn't busy, all I could think about was her,  what was she doing, wishing I was with her - not like that, but purely in a companion kind of way.  I've never met anyone EVER that I was happy just to be around.  Even G didn't enrapture me like this.

It could be (just?) a crush, but it feels so much more - and so much less.  I can remember what it felt like when I was a teenager, it was always about a physical, short term gain - sex to be blunt.  This is so much less physical, I don't want sex, I want love.  And so much more, I don't want a crush I want romance.

Its a mess.  I wish I didn't have these feelings, but then I'm glad that I do - I love to feel something - it's so much better than being empty and void inside.  I don't know where, if anywhere, this might go.  In reality, it can't go anywhere - and yet I want it so much.

OK, done pouring my heart out with some weird, freaky rambling.  I need some serious duvet time as I have work in the morning and I need to be on top form as I have no staff to cover - that means i'll have to get out of the office and get stuck in myself - oldskool stylé.

PS - pay attention to the title!?

Stagnation?

So I had a day off today, I worked late last night on a new song.  The music is nearly done - I'll finish it tonight, then its just the lyrics.  Ive got bits and pieces so far but it should come once I'm focussing on it.  The style is really not my usual, a sort of jazz ballad, piano focussed and getting back more to my piano playing.  I am writing it for the person that I have feelings for but I don't think I will ever get to give it to them.  I think I may even try to sing the vocals myself, the we'll really see how good the auto pitch in Logic really is!  For my many skills, singing is not one of them...

Other than that my day off has been a mixed bag.  I went to the gym for the first time in years.  I joined the other day and now I have to do something with it.  If it helps to net a certain someone then that is a bonus, but in the main this one is for me.

I have to be the man I want to be before I can be the man that a partner will need me to be. (Thats some profound thought right there...)

Other than that, Dad is back in the UK tonight after 4 months travelling South America, so I am thankful for his safe return.  It seems that nothing has really changed, certainly nothing that I can put my finger on.  Ok sure, I have been pushing the weight loss a bit ( I wonder if he will notice - and if he does, will he say anything?) and my heart hands on a silken thread, but nothing has really changed that much.

That lack of progress feels like a set back, I mean, after 4 months I;d like to be able to say that something - anything - has moved forward.  I don't know.  Maybe things have changed and I just don't see them.

Lent - Day 2

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” - Matthew 11:28-30

*Puts on Northern (UK) accent*
"Its day 2 in the Big Brother (Lent) House, and James is missing his cider. The ham salad sandwiches for lunch seem to be going down ok, so the abstinence from cheese seems less of a problem. In the diary room, James has been talking to God and God has been listening. So far, God has not responded."


In all seriousness, I'd be reaching for the cider and or vodka right now if I wasn't abstaining for Lent. Valentines Day is should be one of the best of the year for a romantic like me - but it hurts so much when you are single. I absolutely rips right through you when there's someone you really want to be with but cant. It just feels so empty right now, I want to be with that person. I can't - and the fact that they are with someone else right now who I suspect is not giving them the valentines day that they deserve, is almost more that I can take.


Anyway, I think I am going to do what I do best in these situations - write a song. Putting pain and feelings into lyrics has an amazingly cathartic effect, and just occasionally I manage to come up with something half reasonable. (or at least I hope its half reasonable anyway).


I just feel totally cut up right now. I can feel a sense of self destruction coming in again. The fact that I can recognise it now means I think I am getting stronger. This feeling would have had me comfort eating and in a destructive cycle by now. I am going to eat something tonight, but I have already bought it and there is no other food available in the house so I can be sure that I cant over eat. I am not going to drink alcohol at all, the only thing I have in the house apart from vodka is wine and I will not open a bottle.


Being honest, I am hurting though.  Not a happy bunny right now.

What to do.

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.”

- Federico Garcia Lorca

This dude knows his stuff.  Right now I am seriously feeling it  I try to convince myself that I feel differently but it isn't working.  I know that the age gap would be questionable - I'd even question it myself - but the thing that makes me wonder if my feelings are real is that they are not sexually orientated.  It's difficult, im I don't feel my age physically or mentally (not that I'm that old) but it means that on a social level I have more in common with someone 10 years younger than me than I do someone of my own age.  

The thought of a physical relationship is a byproduct of an emotional one, I'd rather be cuddled up on the couch in each others arms than between the sheets, to put it bluntly.  I have not once considered a carnal act, I just want to be with them.  I want a relationship on an emotional level before anything else.  Whilst I find them physically attractive (that's an understatement - they're stunning!) the truth is I am more interested in their personality and the fact that we just 'click'.  When I first met them, I thought they were attractive, but thought little more of it.  Once I got to know them that is when feelings began to develop.  WHat really concerns me here is that it all seems to be a little bit of history repeating itself on my part.  I haven't chosen this, I didn't really want this and I am still trying to find ways of convincing myself that I don't want it still.

But here we are, many personality attributes turn out to be the same, the feelings are the same, the way I feel when they are not around is the same, scarier still, the way things are developing are the same in many respects, apart from the fact that this time they are with someone else, which might just be the saving element of all this, I can't even think about saying anything - if indeed I ever would - whilst they are with someone else.  All I know is I would gladly give up everything for a chance - and that is another ting that seems to be repeating itself.  Why do I never learn from my mistakes?  Why does the first person that I develop feelings for after the past is trully over, turn out to be so out of reach?

G absolutely broke my heart, frankly ripped it to shreds.  That is gone and done - in the past and I am healed.  N showed me that it is time to move on and that I can find someone else and have feelings again.  So why does the first person who I find, who I actually accept whole-heartedly, without comparing them to anyone else, have to be so unobtainable.

This is crazy, it cannot be.  I just wish it could.

Praying for guidance doesn't exactly help, especially when they're loaded prayers.

"Lord I want your will, but please can your will be for me to get what I want" is not exactly the right thing to be praying.

If it can;t be or isn't going to be - I just wish I didn't feel like I do.

Lent

So what do I pray for over Lent?  There is the obvious thing that I should be praying for others, known to me and further afield.  But maybe this can also be a time when I can pray for me and my spirit.  I feel like I have been preparing for something recently - the sudden drive to loose weight - and the fact that it is actually working this time too; My resurgence in Faith.  It never left me completely but being brought someone new to share it with and to show me that I can 'live in the open' and be honest about it rather than hiding it at work.  So all this preparation, and I feel good about it.  When I feel hungry now I don't feel it as hunger, it is not uncomfortable.  When someone notices my cross or wrist band i feel empowered by it.

So anyway, Lent.  I have made my choices.  One was suggested by a friend and actually, the more I think about it, the more it seems a very clever choice that will actually force me to think about what I am doing and why.  Their suggestion was 'Cheese'.  Doesn't seem much, until I think about how often I eat it and how much I like it.  Pizza is an all time favourite with me so that's out.  I have it every day in my sandwiches for work, so I'll have to rethink those too.  I love a bit of cheese and red wine - can't do that either.  So every day I will have something to remind me and for me to focus on.  It is so easy at work just to loose focus on things once in a while and maybe this will help ground me.

I'm also giving up my 2 favourite tipples - cider and vodka.  I've cut my drinking down a lot recently but these are my 2 favourites so I will give those up for Lent also.

My final sacrifice is to give up 1 hour per day of TV/Web surfing time to read the Bible and Pray.  Something that I must confess I have not done for a while.  Sure I have said a few prayers for people close to me when I have felt that they needed it, I have certainly said a few recently for things that I want.  But I haven't really stopped and just Prayed to be in the presence of the Lord and to focus on Him.

There's also an interesting web site that I have found: What To Give Up For Lent which had a daily sacrifice to follow as well. I will also be doing this.

Other than that I have decided that any bonus I earn from direct sales at work (otherwise known as 0.1% of the store takings) will be given to charity.  I haven't decided what charity yet, all I know is I want it to be local and actually do something for people.  Maybe a Christian charity that works with the homeless or something like that.  I will look and see what I can find.

So those are my Lent choices.  God willing I will be strong and complete them.

So, for Shrove Tuesday, I will be having the traditional pancakes, washed down with my last bottle of cider for 40 days.

The Rood, The Sad & The Fugly

It's been a while since I wrote on here.  I've been meaning to for a couple of days but it hasn't come to anything until now.  I don't know that much has changed really.  Some days are good, some days are not good - weight loss wise, I haven't made any progress over the last week.  Next weigh in is this Sunday.  I don't think that I will have made any further progress either.  I need to revisit my motivation and get back in control of it all.

Frankly my head is a bit of a mess overall.  There's a really difficult area thats on my mind.  I have to be careful what I say on here - after all, plausible deniability is not just something that governments practice, I do too!  All I can say is that my heart is somewhere that I don;t think it should be.  It wants something that cannot happen.  Yet I keep thinking about reasons why it might, what it would be like if this and if that...  Its probably no bad thing in itself because it is definitely a move forward and away from a toxic relationship in the past that has had a hold on me for far too long.  You think that you are over something but you aren't.  You think that you have found someone that you might be interested in, yet you find yourself comparing them to the one person that you have left behind and told yourself that you were over, only to find that you weren't really.  So that's that... It can never happen and I need to get my mind off it and move on up.

Dad is due back from his travels soon, about 3 weeks or so I think.  With the marvel that is international pay phones, I don't really feel like he's been gone.  There's been the odd occasion that I'd have probably picked up the phone to him when I've had a bad day but on the whole it doesn't feel like anything much has changed.

I guess the main thing is that I need to regroup and revisit my motivations right now.  The felling that nothing much has changed is probably symptomatic of life as a whole.  I don't really know what I;d want to change, other than my ability to loose weight.  I can dream and have unrealistic ideals. - To be fair, I think I have those anyway.  I guess what I really want, what I really feel like I am missing is a partner.  The ideal of getting married and starting a family is a long way down the road, but it would be nice to be on that road and making progress.  But its a long process...

Loosing weight = more confidence and being more attractive to members of the opposite sex = being able to be strong enough to make the first move and go for what I want.

Or so it seems.

I just need the motivation to loose weight.

Lord, I am trying, I have got further than I think I have before but I seem to be weakening again.  Please help me to find the motivation and the strength to make progress...

In Jesus Name,  Amen.

Quick update

Ok, so i'm trying the whole cut down on alcohol and trying to control my eating habits thing.  It seems to be going ok, not perfectly but better than some other attempts that I've made to try and get in control. But then this time I think I have a better understanding of what the issues are.  I guess time will tell.

On another note, I seem to have a problem with my left knee.  every time I walk down stairs it clicks.  If i have been on it all day, by the time I walk home in the evening it click then too.  I am hoping that it is just some kind of muscular imbalance and that a few light exercises on the muscle groups will sort it out.  It's strange how it seems to have coincided with going on the aggressive with cutting down on food.  I have definitely lost a little weight so I wonder if it is related?  I hope it will pass but I think I will have to get registered with a GP up here just in case I need to book an appointment.  I'll do that tomorrow as I'm off work.

On that subject, work is stressing me out at them moment - there's a lot going on right now and it sort of feels like I'm not quite in control of it all - I need to get a grip on the reins I think and make a few things happen.

Not much else to add really - looks like its going to be a brief post for a change.

New year and all that jazz

OK, so its a new year - something that I don't normally bother with.  I mean, what is the point - it's a day like any other day, it just happens to be an occasion when they year number changes as part of the date.  Its all relative anyway, ask a Chinese person what year it is and they won't say 2013, thats for sure.  Anyway, all this jazz aside - it is the tradition to come up with new years resolutions.  Again, I don't usually bother - aside from some glib crap about drinking more and eating what I want.  But that was the 'old' me.  The me before I developed some kind of drive to try and deal with my problems, before my problems has a title - CED/BED - gotta love those acronyms...  Anyway, so I understand a bit more about what is going on with me psychologically.  There's more as well.  Seeings as this blog is pretty anonymous and I am not Identifiable by name, I can share what I feel comfortable with.  So here's another revelation.

For a long time I have struggled with gender identity.  I don't think it goes as far as gender dysphoria, but then I'm probably not qualified to make that judgement anyway.  All I know is that from a young age - 4 or 5 years old - I have not been comfortable being male.  It has just felt like the badge 'male' doesn't fit what I feel inside.  Biologically I am male, genetics can't lie - and I am ok with that, I mean, I  like women as my chosen type of partner, and whilst I would describe myself as sexually adventurous, the idea of sex with another male does nothing for me.  That said I do have a thing for she males - traps - ones that are convincing as females - but I can't say that I have ever thought about 'penetrative sex' in either direction.  I think it is the idea of gender fluidity that I fond more attractive than anything else.

So anyway, the genetics that deterring my biological make up do not seem to fit with the emotional personality.  Yes sure there are things that when you know me, they could be seen as masculine traits - an interest in cars, motorbike, the whole DJ / Producer alter ego that goes with my music.  But who is to say that they are not 'tom-boy' traits?  There are many other things that go with my personality that are generally classed as feminine by society as a whole.  I like 'chick flicks' (even the name has gender connotations), I'm not about sex, I'm about romance and love, I'm generally quite a touchy-feely kind of person, given the chance and I am definitely in touch with my emotions and my feminine side.

I am sure that, if you described what I like, how my personality is etc, to a person who did not know me, and did so without using gender constructs, they would guess that the person described is female.

I'm cool with all this.  I've had years to come to terms with it - but I think that when I was younger it became a reason why I was bullied and abused at school.  And also why eating became a problem.  It became the self harm that I have recently realised, and the person that was being harmed wasn't the false outer construct, but the real person within.  At this point, these things start to come together into one interwoven thread.  There is an outer me, the one the world knows as 'James' -  there is an inner me, male in biology, female in gender identity, that occasionally comes to the surface with people that I know and trust.  I think that I have come to terms with that over the many years and reached a situation where I am comfortable with who I am, even if I do not have the courage to go public.  I don't think I ever could whilst my father is alive.  I don't think he would be able to understand it all.

So this come back round to the eating as self harm.  I want to start this by making the following perfectly clear -

SIZE / WEIGHT IS IRRELEVANT TO ATTRACTIVENESS AND IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT USED BY THE IGNORANT WHO CANNOT BE BOTHERED TO HAVE AN OPEN MIND.

There are many people with many different numerical sizes that I find attractive, the size part is irrelevant.  If you are a certain size - bigger or smaller - and that is what nature has made you, fine.  If you choose decisions that have an outcome on your size - bigger or smaller - and it is not affecting your health, fine.  No-one has the right to judge.

I am never going to be a size zero, nor would I ever want to be. [I've just realised that, without prior conscious decision, I have equated my body to female clothes sizes...?...]  But what I need to get a handle on is that I am not meant to be this size either.  Much of it is self inflicted, in an attempt to destroy that female part of me that has been the cause of so much pain from other people.  It has been a shell to keep others away from the real me, relationships could be complicated if I have to explain and rationalise these things.  So that has been the defence over the years, self destruction of the real personality and a subconscious attempt to be as unattractive as possible.

So I need to tackle this head on; 4 areas that can change my life and get me to being me, and not 'James'

1.  Eating.  As I have realised, it has become a form of self destruction and only minorly as a way of dealing with pain.  So I need to eat less - sounds easy - and maybe it is - what I need to do is take the 'pain' I inflict with over eating, and use against it a 'pain' from not eating.  I'm not talking about anything like anorexia or bulimia but to 'run with less in the tank' so I feel hungry before meals, eat a sensible amount and carry on again.  That way, when I reach the pinch points when I want to binge, the hungry feeling is never far away and I can use that, instead of the bloated feeling.

2.  Drinking.  This is nothing to do with any of the above - I simply drink too regularly.  I don't often exceed RDA, but I do drink most days.  I need to find a sugar free, alcohol free alternative to drink on weekday evenings and only have alcohol on Saturdays & Sundays.

3.  Hygiene.  I fond it very hard to have a shower or bath.  Despite part of me that loves the pampering of a candle lit bubble bath with some gentle music in the background, the truth is that at school, most of the abuse happened in the showers.  It has actually been a conditioning against it.  the emotional pain that started the cycle started there.  A bath or shower means getting undressed - I have to confront the body that I have destroyed and see the physical manifestation of my hatred.  I need to break this cycle, partly for hygiene reasons but most importantly as part of breaking the spell that is holding me back

4.  Exercise.  Never my strong point, partly because I have a low lung capacity and I have the feeling of being breathless after cardio work - but I can do some basic weights, some recreational cycling and so on.  This isn't going to be a big one, but I have to make an effort in this area.

So this is it.  this is my action plan.  God willing, I can break this affliction and become the butterfly inside this pupae.  As with all these things, there shall be one last hurrah.  Today is the last day without limits.  I shall celebrate the new year today and clear the little that is left in the fridge adnstart a new tomorrow with all temptations out of the way.